Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers own the Harry Potter story and stuff. Because otherwise we'd be writing the book and not some random parody.
Harry Potter: God of Smell Midgets
Somewhere not in Harry Potter Land, but in Anti-Harry Potter Land/Creepy-ass-town-with-no-trees-and-the-exact-same-house-times-a-billion, Harry Potter is wallowing in pity.
Because his parents died. And he's magical. And his bird won't talk to him. Oh, the angst and woe. (I just like the word woe…haha, woe.)
So Fat Man makes Harry Potter come downstairs to observe the awesome pudding cake of awesomely awesomeness. I mean it's just awesome, it's just beyond!
Fat Man make bird be stuck in cage forever. Tanto no like Fat Man. Somebody should call like those crazy animal saving folks because I don't think that's very nice to the birdy.
"Fatty, Fatty, two by four, keep your fat hands off the door"
Family of Fat minus one is practicing how to open doors and hang up coats because we all know what tedious work that is.
Harry Potter gets to be ostracized to his room with his bird that won't talk to him. He needs a hug! Too bad he doesn't get one.
This whole family has stupid names. Really, everybody in Harry Potter land has stupid names. Like Harmione, Dumbledore, Minerva, etc. And then there's Ron. It's like Star Wars, Anakin, Padme, Obe Won Kanobe (I don't how to spell so just shut up and go away), Darth Vader and…Luke.
Family of Fat minus one is glaring at Harry Potter but I don't know why because we're not really paying attention.
Has anybody else noticed there are like a thousand pictures of Fat Man Jr. all over the house? Because I just did and it's really creeping me out.
Caitlin: I just realized something…they never show Harry Potter's room in the third movie.
Kelsey: oh-my-god-are-you-stupid-look
Caitlin: What?
Kelsey: Yes they did, it's just totally and completely different, like EVERYTHING ELSE in the third movie.
Caitlin: ……..
Kelsey: …….
Caitlin: …Oh.
There is a smelly midget jumping on Harry Potter's bed. His name may or may not be Dobby.
Harry Potter is the God of Smelly Midgets.
Harry Potter decides the best idea right now would be to lock himself in the room with the smelly midget. Smelly midget BEATS HIS HEAD INTO THE NIGHTSTAND because Harry Potter asked him to sit down. You know, you'd think if he was a god he would know better than to ask it to sit down. Harry Potter is a sucky god.
Family of Fat minus one and friends are getting drunk. Yay! Booze!
For being stupid, the smelly midget has a really big vocabulary. Oh, and he's Replacement Yoda.
Smelly midget doesn't want Harry Potter to go back to Harry Potter Land because there's bad stuff and a Basilisk and everybody's gonna die and whatnot…I mean…no they're not…I was totally kidding, I wouldn't just give away the entire movie on the 2nd page.
Yes, terrible things, plots, more beating, etc, etc, etc.
If Harry Potter is so magical, he should just fix the damn door (because it's broken).
Harry Potter belongs in Harry Potter Land. Duh, that's probably why it's called Harry Potter Land.
Harry Potter decides to chase the smelly midget down the stairs to get some letters. Because that's clearly the best idea Harry Potter's ever had. And sadly…it probably is.
OH MY GOD, DON'T KILL THE AWESOME PUDDING CAKE OF AWESOMELY AWESOMENESS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ha, he's disturbed. Smelly midget disappears, completely screwing over Harry Potter.
Fat Man decides to put bars over Harry Potter's windows…because he could totally get out of the windows that never open anyways.
Hey if it's summer, why is everybody always wearing sweaters and long sleeves?
Fat Man just likes to say the word "freaky."
Caitlin: Ohmygosh, don't put the glasses on! No, no, no no no no! No glasses! Bad glasses! He's so pretty. (In creepy-weird-Exorcist-I'm-possessed-by the-devil-except-not-voice:) Damn the glasses! Ahhhhh!
Kelsey: backs away slowly
Harry Potter: puts on the glasses
Caitlin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Flying car flies at Harry Potter's window. Harry Potter gets CLOSER to the window so he can see the pretty car. Harry Potter does not seem remotely concerned that a CAR is FLYING at his window. If I were Harry Potter, I would move now since there is a flying car aimed at my window. But apparently, I'm not Harry Potter.
It's the Weasley twins. I wish they were pretty. But that doesn't happen until the third movie. Damn.
Ron is my hero.
Harry Potter gets dressed in 2.3458782365 seconds.
Ron and company tear the bars off of Harry Potter's window. And apparently nobody else in the neighborhood notices…or cares.
After throwing all of his luggage at the Weasley's, Harry Potter leaps out of his window into a beautiful arc.
Harry Potter: FREEDOM!
Fat Man: Grabs Harry Potter's leg
Harry Potter: Let me go you fat, fat man!
Fat Man: That hurts me right here. points to mass of fat where his heart may or may not be
Harry: Kicks his leg free Drive!
And then, leaning out of the window, with the wind blowing through his brown hair that is supposed to be black, and the moon reflecting in his blue eyes that are supposed to be green, Harry Potter yells with a Scottish accent:
"YOU CAN TAKE MY TAKE MY LAND, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE MY FREEDOM!"
Fat Man: falls out of window" Ow.
Ron decides it would be nice to wish Harry Potter a happy birthday. Then they fly to the house that looks like it's gonna fall over. And there's pigs. Insert any scene from Babe and/or Charlotte's Web, whatever floats your boat.
The clock with the people is weird. And apparently Ron can never stop eating. EVER.
Julie Walters yells at Rupert Grint. Rupert Grint is now in another movie Julie Walters. Julie Walters is crazy (not like it's a stretch from Mrs. Weasley or anything). They drive. (insert appropriate theme music here)
She likes Harry Potter better than all of her children, combined.
Mrs. Weasley: You could have been killed! You could have been SEEN!
Flashback
Hermione: You could have gotten us killed, or worse, EXPELLED!
End Flashback
Kelsey and Caitlin: People in Harry Potter Land need to get their priorities straight.
And here comes Ginny! She's so sweet and innocent and cute. It's hard to believe she's becomes a bitchy-slut-whore in only four short years. Kids these days grow up so fast. Tear
Kelsey: Mr. Weasley scares me.
Caitlin: He makes me laugh.
Kelsey: You scare me.
Caitlin: I make me laugh!
Percy has randomly shown up. But he's not a prick…yet.
Mr. Weasley sucks at punishment and a bird just bounced off of the window.
Percy's hair is pretty sweet.
Caitlin: Oh sure, Percy's being so nice Now! But who's the one that hates Harry Potter now? Huh? WHO? HMM? That's what I thought! Damn him.
Kelsey: Riiiight…
Harry Potter needs to never wear a turtleneck ever, ever again.
The Weasley's don't understand why disappearing in a burst of green flames would be slightly unnerving.
Kelsey: How can Harry Potter fly through fireplaces and completely contradict the laws of physics and still have such perfect hair?
Caitlin: Because he's Harry Potter and he's awesome. Duh.
Kelsey: …okay…but his hair isn't moving. Is that normal?
Caitlin: Well if you were Harry Potter would you have messy hair?
Kelsey: Well, he does in the third movie.
Caitlin: That's completely different.
Kelsey: Oh yeah, he has sex hair in the third movie.
Caitlin: Well you can thank me for that one!
Kelsey: uhhhh…
Caitlin: I'm just kidding!
Kelsey: …
Back to the movie
Caitlin: NOOOOOO! Not the glasses.
Back to the movie, for real this time
Caitlin: NOOOOOOOO!
Kelsey: Caitlin! SHUT UP!
Caitlin: is bitter
Totally not joking, we are seriously going back to the movie now.
Harry Potter decides it would be a good idea to touch the scaly hand of doom. If the hand could laugh, it would be laughing right now.
It is very convenient that Hagrid randomly showed up in scary land or the evil people would have eaten him.
Hermione knows magic so she fixed Harry Potter's glasses.
Hermione: Where's Ron so we can continue our sexual tension that will never end and completely drive everybody insane because we're stupid?
Oh yeah, they're now in a bookstore and Gilderoy Lockhart thinks he is god's gift to women.
He is wrong.
Draco Malfoy is so pretty. And he has shiny hair.
Ginny is a bit odd.
Lucius Malfoy showed up!
Lucius Malfoy: And THAT'S how Stella got her groove back.
Everybody: Umm…
Lucius: Hello. I am Lucius Malfoy. And I am an "ex" Death Eater. And I would very much like to kill you right now. But I can't because of the possible occurrence that Voldemort is maybe possibly gaining strength in Guam right now, which I would know absolutely nothing about and would have no part in his possible return that may or may not happen at some point towards the end of your fourth year. So I will just harass you with my pimp cane and be on my way. Come, shiny haired son, let's be off.
Kelsey: Dude! What happened to the smack-down?
And nobody noticed that there were suddenly two books instead of one in Ginny's cauldron because then there would probably be no movie.
Insert time and plot and whatnot.
Why does everybody leave Harry Potter and Ron last?
Ron and Harry Potter crash into the solid brick wall.
Everybody in the train station: WTF?
Kelsey: That just made my life.
Caitlin: laughs hysterically like a demented elf
So instead of Harry Potter and Ron sending a letter to the school telling them that they can't get on the train, they decide to steal a flying car. This is possibly the greatest plan ever.
Harry Potter: Most muggles aren't accustomed to seeing a flying car.
Well, no dip Sherlock.
Harry Potter: Let's fly exactly two inches above the train tracks because there is absolutely no possibility that the train will be behind us.
Ron: Okay.
Ron has the greatest look of all time on his face.
Train is suddenly directly behind the car. This is bad.
Harry Potter falls out of the car. He's dangling above the train and only seconds away from an untimely and gruesome demise: BUT! HE HAS A RECEDING HAIR LINE! (At this point in time, please pause the movie and study Harry Potter's receding hairline)
Caitlin: It's not a receding hairline! It's just the wind.
Kelsey: Nu-uh! It's a receding hairline!
Caitlin: You can't tell! He's only 12…or 13!
Kelsey: Or is he?
Caitlin: What?
Kelsey: Well Gary Coleman is like 48 and he looks like he's 12.
Caitlin: Harry Potter is not Gary Coleman. His was born on July 23, 1989. He is exactly 2 months and 7 days older than me.
Kelsey: Caitlin. (in the best Dr. Phil impression EVER!) You need help.
Caitlin: Is bitter…again
Back to movie
Ron: Take my hand!
Harry Potter: takes hand
Ron: I'll never let go, Harry Potter! I'LL NEVER LET GO!
Harry Potter: let's go but does not fall because then the story would die too
Harry Potter gets back into the car somehow.
Harry Potter: I think we found the train.
Thank you Captain Obvious…again.
It is randomly night now. Because the night makes everything all mysterious and cool. Feel the mystery!
Ron breaks his wand like a stupid person because he is a stupid person. But an awesome stupid person.
Ron is more concerned with the fact that he broke his wand than the fact that they are stuck in a giant man-eating tree of peril that tends to move about the school between the second and third movie.
The car throws all their crap at them and runs away. Because that's just what cars do.
Harry Potter: SO…a smelly midget shows up at my house, we can't get through the barrier and we almost get killed by a tree…CLEARLY somebody doesn't want me here.
Caitlin: Yeah, because that's totally what I would think if all that stuff happened to me.
Filch is old. And weird.
Snape: Hello. I am Allen Rickman and I am hot and sexy. And I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for the paper, I'm too sexy…
(Note: Caitlin is actually singing this song right now and it's really starting to scare me)
YAY! It is the awesome-totally-the-best-ever Dumbledore and the old lady that we all know he's hookin' up with in the broom closet.
Dumbledore: Hello. I am Albus Dumbledore. I am here to save the day. And I am delightfully eccentric. And Snape, I totally and completely trust you with my LIFE even though you were maybe possibly involved with the Death Eaters at some point in time. But I know you'll NEVER go back to that and betray MY LIFE because that just wouldn't be very nice now, would it?
Everyone: sends death-rays at Snape
Old Lady: Hi! I am Old Lady. And I have an awesomely awesome hat. And you will not get expelled because then there would be no movie. Oh, and my name is Minerva McGonagall.
Snape: Death-rays at Harry Potter
Harry Potter: Death-rays at Snape
They're in Herebology. They're playing with scary, screaming plants.
Hermione: They come in handy when people are petrified. They make them unpetrified.
Caitlin: Hmmm…how convenient.
Shiny haired boy is bitter because his screaming plant doesn't love him.
Spello-tape: the wonderful "magical" tape of wonder and awe that totally looks absolutely nothing like regular, non-magic scotch-tape.
Small child with giant camera takes picture of Harry Potter.
Person: Hello. I'm Colin Creevy. I'm annoying. I like to take pictures…of everything ever made in the history of forever. Even birds. Even the same bird every two seconds.
Kelsey: That sounds like you, Caitlin.
Caitlin: death-rays at Kelsey
Ron's clinically retarded owl crashes into some potato chips. And Ron got a Howler.
OH MY GOD! I SAW OLIVER WOOD!
The letter yells at Ron. Ron looks so funny. The letter eats itself and dies.
Pretty Boy: Good day ladies and gentlemen. I am (dramatic pause) Gilderoy Lockhart. And I am god's gift to women, worship me.
Everybody that's not a boy: worships
Apparently, pixies are the greatest evil on earth.
Finnegan is a funny name.
Haha, pixies are the bringers of doom.
Lockhart: Oh my god! Don't take the picture of me, I MUST LOOK AT MYSELF.
Pixies are rejected smurfs.
LOOK! IT'S OLIVER WOOD! He's my hero. Well, except for Ron. But his name is Biggerstaff.
Shiny haired boy is kind of mean. Well actually, he's really mean.
Kelsey: I HAVE FAITH IN YOU DRACO!
Ron is throwing up slugs. That's just a whole new level of gross. So they go to Hagrid because obviously Hagrid is the leading expert on reversing spells.
Harry Potter is hearing voices. Well, if I had to address letters for four hours, I would probably start hearing voices, too.
You know, most intelligent people wouldn't go follow a voice. Especially if the voice is all like "I'm gonna kill you!" and whatnot.
Somebody graffiti-ed on the wall in blood. And Hermione doesn't believe people can read. And Filch is a little too emotionally attached to his cat.
Who in there right mind would walk CLOSER to a wall with blood all over it?
Harry Potter lied to a teacher. THE SHAME!
Filch: Hello. I am Filch. I love my cat. A lot. And I have an anger management problem.
Stuff happens.
Hermione: No Harry, even in the wizarding world, hearing voices isn't a good sign.
Other stuff.
Ron is just stupid. Ron made a hairy cup with a tail. Old Lady tells everybody about the Chamber of Secrets. It's a bad place and bad stuff happened in it and it's bad and there's an heir and the heir is bad and so on and so forth.
Hermione reads WAY too far into things.
Ron always likes to blame Malfoy.
Hermione decides to make a potion. It's kind of illegal. And it's breaking like a billion rules. But conveniently, the potion is just lying around the library. Hermione is starting to go down a bad path. Next thing you know, she'll be dating Draco Malfoy and have shiny-haired babies.
QUIDDITCH! OLIVER WOOD IS MY HERO AND HE'S FROM SCOTTLAND!
Ron: Let me aim my really crappy and broken wand at Harry in an attempt to save him from the crazed and homicidal bludger.
Hermione: No…just…no.
Draco: Fly! Fly as fast as you can! You can't catch me; I'm the shiny-haired man!
Draco falls and Harry Potter's arm bends the completely wrong way, but at least he catches the snitch. And Hermione blows up the bludger of doom.
Lockhart kills all the bones in Harry Potter's arm. On "accident."
Harry Potter has groupies! Yay!
Re-growing bones. That just sounds stupid.
Smelly midget shows up. Smelly midget has pretty much been screwing over Harry Potter's entire life. Smelly midget needs therapy. And a hug. And a large dose of Vikaden.
By the way, clothes make smelly midget be free. And all this crap had happened before.
Smelly midget is petting Harry Potter. But now he's gone.
Colin got his damn self petrified. And his film blew up.
The Chamber of Secrets is opened…again.
It's very ironic that they're using the bathroom with the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets…except…not…
Random dueling club meeting is going on.
Lockhart is…special. And Snape is bitter. Random poses and apparently "expelliarmus" makes people fly 20 feet backwards and crash into the ground.
Harry Potter vs. Shiny Haired Boy. This is best 45 seconds of my entire life.
Shiny Haired boy: Scared Potter?
Harry Potter: You (pause) wish!
Kelsey: laughs hysterically
More random spells.
Caitlin: When did they learn all these random spells?
Lockhart is pretty much useless. Oh, and there is a giant snake and Harry Potter can talk to it. That's kind of creepy.
Snape decides to wait just long enough for everybody to think Harry Potter is demented and evil before making the snake go poof.
Parselmouths…evil…I'm not…1,000 years…blah…blah…blah.
Ginny: Hi. I'm Ginny Weasley. I'M POSSESSED BY VOLDEMORT!
Everybody: What?
Ginny: Nothing.
Harry Potter follows the voice AGAIN because he's just a little slow. So now it looks like Harry Potter is petrifying people but he's not, he's just stupid.
The Sorting Hat is odd. But I suppose it'd be kind of hard to find a talking hat that's normal.
Caitlin thinks Voldemort is Michael Jackson. And apparently he molested Harry Potter.
Dumbledore's bird blew up but it's okay because he was supposed to.
Harry Potter was dropped as a child. Probably more than once.
Winter
Hermione put roofies in cupcakes.
Okay, who is going to seriously eat a cupcake that's floating in mid air. It's a good thing Crabbe and Goyle are stupid.
They're drinking the potion now. It's kind of gross.
Isn't a bit suspicious how only RON and HERMIONE run off screen.
Ron is Crabbe now, and Harry Potter is Goyle.
Greatest line ever:
Shiny-Haired boy: I didn't know you could read.
Okay, Ron and Harry Potter are really crappy liars.
Oh, but Harry Potter made a pretty smooth save.
It's a good thing Draco likes to talk a lot about random things otherwise it probably would've been a lot harder to figure the whole story out.
They change back in the middle of the Slytherin common room. That really shouldn't make me laugh, but it does.
Hermione is a cat. My life is complete.
There is a leak.
Caitlin: I want to flood a bathroom.
Ron is an insensitive prat. And Harry Potter found a diar…journal.
The journal knows Harry Potter's name. Unfortunately, Harry Potter isn't smart enough to realize that it is odd to talk to a journal…especially when the journal talks back…or sucks you into it.
Look it's Tom Riddle! He's Voldemort. It would be so much better if Harry Potter knew that, but he doesn't so everything sucks.
Broken childhood, no home, angst, angst, some more angst, "I will become the greatest evil on earth," etc.
Twilight Zone Music
It's a bit odd that everything is in black and white except for Harry Potter's sweater.
Random let's-explore-the-wonders-of-backlighting-in-slow-motion-scene.
Everybody thinks Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets even though he didn't, except for Ron. He doesn't believe Hagrid did it.
That is probably the smartest thing Ron will ever do for the next 4 years of his life.
Somebody completely killed Harry Potter's room. And I'm sure it totally wasn't Ginny.
There is random Quidditch. Oh, just kidding. It got canceled.
Oliver Wood: YOU CAN'T CANCEL QUIDDITCH!
Old Lady: I CAN, AND I WILL!
Oliver Wood: hate
Harry Potter and Ron find out that Hermione got petrified. And they might close the school. And there's a cloak or something…I don't know.
Harry Potter and Ron are at Hagrid's and they're having tea except not.
Dumbledore, Fudge-who-apparently-got-taller-joined-Weight-Watchers-and-had-plastic-surgery-between-the-second-and-third-movies and Lucius Malfoy show up and decide to put Hagrid and Azkaban and kick Dumbledore out because apparently drowning in bottle of peroxide affected Lucius' brain.
Lucius Malfoy has a really pretty bow in his hair.
Hagrid is not very smooth. At all.
They're following the spiders, the spiders, the spiders. They're following the spiders, wherever they may go.
There are like a trillion spiders in the ginormous woods. Aragog is really big.
Aragog: Hello. I am Aragog. I am a giant spider. I am from a distant land in a pocket and whatnot. And I was not in the Chamber of Secrets. But I can kill you!
There are lots of nasty spiders and they are really going to eat Ron and Harry Potter. So Harry Potter hits them with a light but that what a dumb idea so it didn't work but it's okay because their car-gone-wild saves them.
Harry Potter does a spell that totally should have blown Ron's face off but it didn't. And there is some nasty, slobbery dog in the back seat. And they're being chased by a giant army of spiders but nothing's going to happen because they still have to play chess…except not because that was the first movie. Oh the snake, that's it. Chess, snakes…same difference.
Hey, Hermione had a piece of paper in hand that conveniently tells them everything they need to know about the giant snake in the plumbing.
Since when does Hogwarts have an intercom system?
Ginny got taken into the Chamber of Secrets. Harry Potter, go save your lover, NOW!
Caitlin: death-rays at Ginny…and Cho, even though she has absolutely nothing to do with what's going on
Lockhart is useless. Really, painfully useless. But he coordinates, so it's okay.
Liar, liar pants on fire.
He was going to blow up their memories, but Harry Potter and Ron beat him down.
Moaning Myrtle got killed by the giant snake thing. But she helped them figure out where the secret, evil chamber of ultimate evil and doom is.
Who puts an evil lair in a sink?
The Chamber is apparently dirty.
After going down the slide into a bunch of bones, they find a giant snakeskin and Lockhart tries to blow up Harry Potter and Ron's memories again but he uses Ron's wand and screws everything over and becomes dumber than he was before.
The rocks conveniently fell directly between Harry Potter and Ron.
Lockhart is REALLY stupid so Ron knocks him out.
Harry Potter decides to be a hero and fight the living dead even though he's only 12.
Kelsey: You can totally tell they painted the dirty on his face.
Somebody has a bit of an obsession with snakes.
Harry Potter: Look, there's Ginny and she's semi-dead so let me throw my wand across the floor.
TOM RIDDLE IS EVIL YOU STUPID FREAKING IDIOT!
Oh…and, um…he kind of maybe sort of might have possibly accidentally possessed Ginny once or twice…or eight times.
Kelsey: You know, it's kind of weird that Harry Potter's fighting this like immortal evil guy when he's like 11 and 12.
Caitlin: I know, it makes more sense when he's like 15 and 16.
Kelsey: Not really…because they're all like old and he's not.
Caitlin: Well kind of, because he's angst-y…and that's what angst-y teenagers do…they fight evil people…
Kelsey: ….
Tom Riddle is a little pissed off. And he has really bad handwriting.
ANAGRAM TIME!
Harry Potter: You're the heir of Slytherin?
NO! HE'S VOLDEMORT! STOP BEING SO FREAKING STUPID YOU PIECE OF STUPID CRAP!
The bird of awesome sends a hat. Because that's useful.
There is a giant snake chasing him.
Harry Potter: trips over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Caitlin: laughs like a crazy person because she knows she's totally done that like a thousand times
Kelsey: is scared
Caitlin: Did you know basilisks are REAL MYTHICAL creatures?
Caitlin: can't breathe and her head hurts really bad and she's crying and turning purple.
Kelsey: laughs
At least the bird is useful and pecks the thing's eyes out.
Run, Forest, Run!
Snake corners Harry Potter and is about to eat him but then Harry Potter actually does something smart and saves himself.
Harry Potter runs like a girl…or a gay man.
Voldemort says he's going to be alive in a few minutes but he won't be because that's the plot of the fourth story and you can't kill that or I will cry.
Harry Potter obviously got a sword and wound up on top of a wall.
Oh, he killed the poor snake-y thing.
Snake-y Thing: dies
Boo-Ya Tom Riddle! SMACK DOWN! WHAT NOW!
Harry Potter will die in 1 minute. But not really because he has to live for at least 5 more years.
Harry Potter stabs the journal with the fang which apparently makes Tom Riddle burst into light and Ginny wakes up.
Caitlin: Oh, she got ink in her hair.
It has been way more than a minute. Why is Harry Potter still alive?
Bird thing saves everybody and flies them out of a random cave in the forest even though there is only one entrance to the Chamber of Secrets because nobody builds a secret lair with two entrances.
Caitlin: Did you know Harry Potter can open the Chamber of Secrets whenever he feels like?
Kelsey: Yeah, but why would he want to?
Caitlin: Because he's pretty.
Kelsey: Oh…
Dumbledore is wearing a lot of red but I don't know what he's talking about. And he gave Harry Potter a bloody sword, so of course Harry Potter grabs the pointy end.
Lucius Malfoy is here now. He just keeps showing up and nobody knows why.
He kind of looks like a Barbie doll.
Lucius Malfoy: I don't know what you're talking about, Dumbledore. I know nothing about Voldemort using an evil diary to attempt to regenerate his sixteen-year-old-self. And furthermore, I have absolutely no idea how it got in Ginny's cauldron.
Dumbledore: Nobody said it was in Ginny's cauldron.
Lucius: ….
Dumbledore: …
Lucius: I have to go. hairflip, leaves
Harry Potter tricks Lucius Malfoy into freeing the smelly midget and then Lucius tries to kill Harry Potter but then Dobby whoops his ass.
Now there's a feast.
Hermione is de-petrified. She runs up to Harry Potter and gives him the most hugest hug of ever. Then she turns to Ron…
SEXUAL TENSION!
…and they shake hands…
SEXUAL TENSION!
Harry Potter notices nothing…
SEXUAL TENSION!
…Harry Potter is stupid.
SEXUAL TENSION!
Caitlin: SEXUAL TENSION!
Kelsey: Caitlin, let it go.
Dumbledore cancels everybody's finals.
Hermione: You canceled my soul!
Hagrid shows up. He was late. It's Ron's owl's fault.
Hugs and happiness. The end.
A/N: We have to give credit to SilverPhoenix for a bunch of random lines in this story. This took us like 5 hours to write so you can take like 30 damn seconds and leave a freaking review. Please and thank you. They make us happy. If you haven't read our other parodies, feel free too. And you could review those to because then you could be like the Lord of Awesome or something. Okay, we're going now. Ta. And Ciao.