AN: Thanks so much to all that have taken the time to review. And to the person that asked the significance of the numbers, I wish I was as smart as you to have thought that up, but instead, it's simply a way I used to divide the sections so Ffnet would eat them. The numbers are the cursed numbers from the show Lost. I'm just using them to split up the sections. Hope you'll continue to read despite my lack of imagination.
Ryan watched Sandy's face flicker with indecision. He caught his gaze and lowered the phone. "It's Kirsten. She'd like to talk to you."
"Did you tell her?" he asked.
Sandy nodded.
Wow. He wasn't exactly prepared for this. He was too messed up to pretend for Kirsten. But if she already knew…then she'd see through his act anyway. He had to talk to her though if she was asking for him.
"Ryan? If…"
He held out his hand and accepted the phone. "Hello?"
"Ryan. How are you doing?"
Such a loaded question for him right now. "Good. You?"
"Fine."
"This isn't uncomfortable at all," he muttered, covering his face. She laughed.
"Sorry. Now that I've got you on the phone all the words I had planned out to say…just left me. How are you really doing?"
"Better? Is that acceptable?"
"Not really…I just…I know you're going through a hard time right now and I really wish I could be there to put my arms around you…but…I can't because…I really have to be here right now…"
Ryan closed his eyes. He didn't know what he thought about her words anymore.
"I know that I hurt you…all I can say now is that I'm sorry and I hope that you can forgive me…I didn't mean what I said…I have never regretted meeting you, Ryan, I've never regretted having you in my life…"
"How are your classes or whatever?" he interrupted. He didn't want to listen to her anymore.
"Please. Listen…part of this…my classes…I have to apologize to you, Ryan, because I don't want to lose you, I almost lost you last summer and it nearly killed me…"
Ryan held out the phone to Sandy. "I'm sorry. I can't. I need…I need to go lie down."
He couldn't say what she needed him to say right now. He couldn't forgive her yet. No matter how much his head was telling him to, his heart couldn't handle it.
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"Kirsten? I'm sorry…" Sandy said, raising the phone back to his ear.
"God…he hates me…"
He knew she was crying. "Kirsten, I need you to listen to me for a minute…Ryan, he's…he's not really himself. You're lucky he was lucid at all…"
"What? Lucid? What are you talking about?"
Sandy sighed. "This is too much for you right now…"
"Sandy, tell me!"
"Kirsten, he was fucking raped, do you have any idea how much that affects someone?"
"Rape…I…"
"It's just as hard for a man to get over it, and for it to happen to a kid…a kid…he's struggling and…"
"I'm coming home…"
"No. Stay. You need to stay…because talking to you, no matter what you said…he's not in a place to hear it whether you're there or here. Don't make him think that he's the reason you came home early…"
"If I stay away, what's that going to say to him? God, I need to be there, even if he hates me, I need to be there so he knows I didn't mean it, Sandy…" she sobbed.
"Kirsten…please, just calm down…"
"Hold on…"
Sandy stood up and paced a tense circle around the patio chairs. He had to make sure Ryan was okay, he had to make sure Kirsten was okay but neither one of them was okay and…
"Okay…you're right…I'm being stupid," she said suddenly. "This isn't about me, this is about Ryan and what he needs. He needs me to be okay so he can trust me. Getting sober will make him trust me again…"
Sandy took a deep breath.
"But I talked to my doctors today. I explained everything and…they're willing to talk about giving me a weekend pass on Friday…"
"Would you go back?"
"Yes. I…I promise…as much as I want to be there…this is actually helping…but the doctor wants to talk to you first, to…to explain things…but I could come home…help you, show you that…that I still love you and then…I would come back and keep putting myself back together…"
"Kirsten…"
"Just think about it. Talk to Ryan about it and Seth…and if you think I should wait…I'll listen to your argument, too…okay?"
"Okay," he said, glancing up as Ryan reemerged from the poolhouse. His eyes were red but he was composed. He held out his hand for the phone. "Hold on, Kirsten."
Ryan raised it to his ear. "Kirsten. I am not upset with you, what I'm going through right now has absolutely nothing to do with you, okay? I just…I can't really talk to people right now, I just need you to know that it's not you…"
Sandy watched as Ryan nodded, lowering his eyes. "Me, too…here's Sandy."
He took the phone back. Ryan sat down with a sigh, taking a deep breath and leaning back against the chair and closing his eyes.
"Sandy?"
"I love you, Kirsten."
"I love you, too. Call me tomorrow…ten am is my free time, if you can…"
"I won't forget," Sandy replied.
"Give Seth my love."
"I will."
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"What is wrong with you?" Summer hissed, pulling Seth out of the theater into the deserted lobby.
"What?"
"You're totally not with us, Cohen. Marissa and me have been talking all through the previews and there was a Serenity trailer and you didn't even bitch at us! What is going on?" She asked, softening her tone. "Where's your head?"
Seth's head was currently freaking out in a poolhouse with his grandma. Ryan. He knew that he promised to take out the girls but now that he was out, attempting to pretend that everything was normal. Ryan had sent him out to get him out of the house, too, Seth had seen his agenda but he hadn't fought back. He wanted to get out, too, the tension was thick back at the homestead.
But now that he was out, he was free of Ryan's issues for a few hours, all he could think about was that he should be there. He should be staying strong with Ryan, taking care of him now that Trey had betrayed him.
Ryan said that Trey helped him through it before. That's what real brothers were supposed to do. Not go out with hot girls while Ryan was suffering in silence.
"Cohen! Seriously? Is…is everything okay?"
"You have your car, don't you?" he asked.
"What? You're leaving? Oh, hell no, not until you give me an explanation…"
"Summer. I can't…"
"Yes. You can. You haven't called for three days, three days since when you told me Ryan was locked in jail and your mom was in rehab and now, after three days, you ask me out just to take off?" She took his hands. "Don't you get it? I'm not mad, I'm fucking worried! Are you okay?"
"Summer. I need to go home…I think I'm catching what Ryan has, that weird prison flu," Seth said, pulling his hands away and clutching his stomach.
"Prison flu. Cohen…please…talk to me…"
As much as he wanted to, he couldn't tell her anything, he couldn't even lie. He shook his head, stifled a gag and rushed into the bathroom.
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I think I'm losing my grip
But I can still make a fist
-Nine Inch Nails
Ryan heard Sandy sigh heavily as he hung up the phone. He didn't open his eyes. He let the sun wash over his cold body.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. I just…I'm not mad at her, Sandy…but it did hurt hearing her talk to me like that…" Ryan admitted. He owed Sandy an explanation.
"She hasn't been herself for a while. She's…she's been lonely and I hurt her…you didn't do anything wrong, she…she lashed out…"
"We trapped her. I know all about being trapped…" Ryan said, thinking about Sandy's words. He'd agreed with Sandy when he told him about the intervention but maybe he should have considered how it would affect Kirsten. His mother had thrown bottles and plates at him the first time he tried to take her to the free clinic for detox. Kirsten lashed out with words…
They both hurt.
He was tired of the hurt.
But he really didn't have the energy or the motivation to stay angry. He was tired of being angry. He was tired of feeling.
The numbness was looking more inviting by the second.
"Ryan."
"Still here," he answered forcing himself to look at Sandy.
"Kirsten wants to come home for the weekend and her doctors okayed it. How would you handle that?"
Ryan was speechless. He didn't know how he'd deal with it if she just walked in and pretended that everything was normal. He'd probably pretend right back but he didn't have his walls in place…
"If you don't want her here…"
"It's her home, Sandy, this is her house, her family, I can't ask you to keep her away," Ryan said honestly, sitting up fully and taking a deep breath. The pain was back. Keeping the numbness at bay.
Pain brought clarity.
"Ryan…" Sandy chastened.
"I have to face her, she's always going to be…a part of my life, you know? If she hadn't been drinking, she wouldn't have said that to me…she wasn't herself," Ryan said.
"Are you trying to convince me or convince yourself?" Sandy asked.
It was a valid question.
"Listen…I don't want to push you right now…"
"You aren't," Ryan said. Sandy and Sophie and even Seth were being incredibly understanding. "I'm trying and it's harder than I thought it'd be. So. Kirsten's coming home tomorrow. It'll be good to see her…"
"If you don't want to see her I'll keep her away…"
"No, Sandy. I…" Ryan shook his head in frustration. "Why can't you understand…"
"I understand that you don't want to be the person keeping Kirsten from coming home because you think it will hurt me and Seth…but I don't want to be the one that keeps you from getting better because of bringing her home…" Sandy replied.
Ryan hesitated, but after a moment, he saw what Sandy was telling him. "Okay…"
"Okay. I'm going to call her tomorrow so we'll have time to think about it. I haven't told Seth yet…this has to be a family decision, okay?"
"Okay. I should be appreciative that you're including me in the decision at all…"
"Why do you say that?"
"Because I've been a little…nutso, haven't I?" Ryan muttered.
Sandy smiled. "Nothing that we can't handle. And you're not nutso. You're just a little shaken up.
Ryan smiled reluctantly and was relieved to see Sandy relaxing.
He felt better. Not much, but better. He trusted Sandy. He had to rely on his instincts and even with a few bumps along the way…Sandy had never let him down.
"It's going to take time. For all of us. But that's something that we have. Time."
True. School was out for summer. He had time.
But not much time until Kirsten got home or Marissa finally showed up.
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Seth hand meant to rush for the exit but in his attempt to pretend to be sick, he'd actually rushed into the bathroom.
God, he was bad at this. He splashed water on his face.
He had to do this. Calm Summer down. Be stealth. Then go back and stay with his brother.
"Cohen. Just tell me." Summer was standing in the entrance to the bathroom, her face serious and her voice begging.
He trusted her. He knew she'd keep his confidence.
Or not. She'd tell Marissa, just like she'd told him about Trey's attack. She'd do what her judgment told her was best for the people she loved. But he loved Ryan and he knew…
"What is going on?" she whispered.
"Ryan got hurt in juvie. He got into a fight with these guards and got really beat up. And he's really angry, not like safe for public consumption angry," Seth heard the words come out and watched Summer's face relax. She believed him. "And to make things worse, The Nana's in town and Mom's not here and the house is this big inferno of tension and I wanted to come out and not think about it but I can't because you and Marissa keep staring at me…"
"Cohen, I'm sorry…"
"Ryan's really messed up, like the only person he's not yelling at is Rosa," Seth lied. "He doesn't want to see anyone, how am I supposed to explain that to Marissa?"
"I'll take care of Coop," Summer said, pulling him into her embrace. "I'm sorry…for pushing you."
"She shouldn't see him like this, it wouldn't be good for either of them."
"I'll tell her something…not the truth…do you want to go finish the movie?"
"I think I should go home. Be with Ryan."
"Okay. But…call me okay? I miss you…I'm here for you…don't shut me out like last summer…"
"I promise," he said, kissing her.
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Ryan went into the poolhouse. Sophie had made herself at home in the small kitchenette.
"Lie down, kid. I made you some soup, Seth and Rosa said you like clam chowder and I have a great recipe…"
He did like chowder. He settled onto his bed. The bed was soft and safe.
He had to admit that this was his home. His home base. No matter where life took him, he'd always end up here. Safe.
"Deep thoughts?" Sophie asked, walking over and placing a tray across his legs with a bowl of soup and chips and toast and tea.
"Yeah. Are you going to eat?" he asked her. He crossed his arms until she relented, fixing herself a bowl and sitting down.
"Happy?"
"Yes," he nodded.
They ate in silence for a while.
"Can I ask you something?" he said.
"Sure."
"You know about shrinks…like, what are they going to ask me? What am I going to have to tell them?" Ryan asked.
Sophie smiled at him patiently. "Whatever you need to tell them. They get paid to listen to you."
He took another spoonful of soup.
"You can still talk to me if…if you want."
Ryan smiled at her. "I know."
"Why not?"
He looked at her seriously. "I love Kirsten. I see how much it hurts Sandy that you don't feel the same way…and I don't know if you could be unbiased…" he said quietly.
Her face flashed with realization.
"I'm sorry," he said immediately.
"No, don't apologize…I never…I never really thought about it that way…I mean, Sandy won't confide in me and I guess I can't blame him…"
"Sophie…"
"But…the offer still stands."
He studied her.
She leaned forward. "I guarantee if you unload some of those things pounding away in your head that you'll feel better."
"Just tell me how to get rid of the panic attacks, the flashbacks…" he said.
"I can't know until you talk to me. Prime your system for the shrink," she urged.
He took another spoonful of soup.
What did he really have to lose? She already knew about juvie and she was still reasonably normal around him.
"Tell me about juvie."
"Juvie…karma," he replied absently.
"Karma?"
"This kid I helped get arrested to get my brother off…he was selling drugs…he was my cellmate the first night…I managed to fight him off…"
"First night's the most important…have to hold your own," Sophie said, pretending to be uninterested but establishing her understanding of juvie and jail.
"But…I didn't figure in that he had an 'in' with the guards…told them that I had some rich dad but was guilty as hell…so when the doc sent me to my cell…they came for me…to teach me a lesson…"
"Did you fight them?"
Ryan shuddered involuntarily. He'd finished the chowder but nothing else. She took the tray from him, making him keep the ice tea. "Broken wrist. Broken ribs. Handcuffs. I couldn't really put up much of a fight…"
She was watching him.
"It hurts more if you fight," he said quietly.
"You know that…"
"My dad used to fuck me. Before he got locked up."
"That's how you think of it? Fucking?"
"Sorry," he said.
"I'm from the Bronx, 'fucking' isn't a bad word…but I'm talking about the context…" she replied.
"He was punishing me. Dad…" the word made him nauseous.
"When the guards…were punishing you, did they say anything?"
He could feel their breath on his neck. Their hands on him, hurting him. He could hear his father's voice. He was going to sink…
"Ryan?"
"I didn't hear them," he realized, focusing on her. "It hurt too much…"
"What did you hear? What did you see?"
"Nothing…but…I could feel…it hurt…but it was, like, I deserved it…I had been pretending I was…that I was good enough…but…I had come back to my roots, I had fucked up and I needed to be reminded…"
"Reminded of what?"
"That I was nothing, that I'm worthless…no matter what I do…"
"Ryan. Do you really believe that you're worthless? Do you really believe that you deserved it?" she whispered.
"Karma," he murmured, thoughtful.
"You're a smart kid…tell me your definition of karma…tell me why you think you deserved to be hurt like that," she urged.
"I turned on Trey, I turned on Kirsten…"
"Ryan. Do you honestly think you betrayed your brother?"
He didn't know. "He betrayed me, too…but I knew better…"
"He doesn't hold any responsibility for his actions? Why do you hold universal guilt? He's older than you, he grew up in the same home as you, he had the same father…why are you responsible for him?" she asked.
It was a valid question.
"I can't tell you how to feel…"
"I know…but…you're right…I guess my vision's a little skewed," he admitted.
"Its understandable," she said. "Sandy's not your father."
"I know," he answered honestly. "Sandy's never hurt me. Sandy's not…cruel…"
"You have to trust him. You can trust me. Let us take care of you for a while…let us carry the load," she said softly. "You have to stop taking responsibility for things out of your control. Those men…they took advantage of you, they used you to fulfill their sick fantasies but it wasn't your fault…they didn't know you and they couldn't be punishing you because they don't know you…"
Those fuckers didn't know him. They assumed since he was from Newport and that Kyle knew him that he was some spoiled little punk…
"Your father didn't know you…he used you…he hurt you because he could…"
"Because I was weak…he was trying to make me strong," Ryan said.
"He was trying to break you because you were stronger than him…he…Ryan, you didn't deserve that…"
"How can you be so sure?" he asked, lying down. He didn't want to talk anymore. This wasn't helping.
"Because. Because I can see you. And you didn't deserve that."
He met her eyes steadily. "You don't know me, Sophie. What he did to me…it made me who I am…you know?"
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"Hey. What are you doing home?" Sandy asked his son as he woke up from his doze on the couch.
"I wasn't really into the whole movie stuff…couldn't get my mind off…everything. How's Ryan?" Seth asked, sitting down beside him and flipping on the TV quietly.
"He talked to your mom…"
"How'd that go?"
"He got upset, she got upset, they both apologized, and I have no idea," Sandy admitted. "The Nana was talking to him last I checked."
"The Nana certainly has a way with him…" Seth grinned.
"I'm actually pretty stunned about that whole relationship," Sandy said.
"Never thought Ryan would replace me as the favorite grandchild, I mean, he's not even Jewish," Seth joked. "What about Trey?"
Sandy rubbed his forehead. He had a lot on his plate these days. "Trey is an ass."
"Oh, with Mom out of the house the language rules are relaxed, I see. But he's definitely an ass…what did he want?" Seth asked.
Sandy didn't know how much he wanted to tell his son. He hadn't told Ryan that his brother had called.
"That bad?" Seth asked.
"He wanted to apologize to Ryan. He wanted to see if I'd take his case…"
"Dad…you didn't…"
"Of course I didn't," Sandy replied. "I wouldn't consider it, even if Ryan asked me to. I pushed Ryan too hard to forgive Trey and bring him back to Newport…"
"You didn't know this would happen. He never talks about his family, about Chino, how were you supposed to know?"
He should've known by the look on Ryan's face in the waiting area when he first went to get Trey. He should've known by the tense glances Ryan kept giving Trey when they'd gone out to lunch. But no. He'd coaxed Ryan into inviting him home, he'd forced Ryan to give up his poolhouse so Trey would have a place to stay. He'd pushed Ryan to reconcile with him after whatever happened at the auction…
"Dad?"
"I should have known that he didn't want Trey here. He was trying to protect himself, to protect us and I just ignored him…I ignored everything he was trying to tell me…" Sandy admitted.
Seth sighed. "You know…after the auction, Ryan didn't want anything to do with Trey. He wanted to cut him off…but me and Marissa…we sort of encouraged him to make up with him…the birthday party at Marissa's wasn't Ryan's idea…it was ours. If you're at fault, then so am I...but we didn't do this to Ryan. Those fuckers at the prison did this to Ryan, his dad did this…"
"He told you about his dad?"
Seth hesitated. "He said it happened to him when he was a kid…and that Trey helped him through it…I just figured that it was his dad…"
Sandy nodded. "He…"
"We can't undo what they did. But we can take care of him now, prove to him that he's better than that…"
Sandy missed when his son started channeling Dr. Phil but he was grateful. "You're right."
"Thanks." He sighed heavily. "I lied to Summer tonight. She cornered me in the bathroom and demanded to know why I was acting weird."
"What'd you tell her?" Sandy had a lot on his plate but so did Seth. Dealing with a worried, panicked, well-meaning girlfriend was going to be a lot for Seth to handle.
"I told her that Ryan was really angry and that he was yelling at everyone. I think I said that he was yelling at everyone except Rosa because everyone knows that Ryan loves Rosa," Seth explained.
Sandy laughed. It was notorious that Ryan loved the housekeeper.
"I told her that the Nana was here and that it was really stressful and she agreed to convince Marissa to stay away a little longer…but she feels guilty since what Trey did to her is why this whole mess started."
"There's definitely too much blame flying around," Sandy admitted. "It's not Marissa's fault."
"What's going to happen to Trey?" Seth asked.
"I don't know. But I'm going to make sure that he never comes around here again…okay?"
Seth nodded.
"Your mother wants to come home for the weekend. How would you feel about that?"
Seth's face lit up with enthusiasm. "That's good, right? That they give her a weekend pass?"
"She asked them because of Ryan…because he's hurt," Sandy told him.
"How's Ryan feel about it? I mean, I know she was harsh to him but he loves her…he'll want to see her…right?" Seth asked.
"I just wanted to make sure," Sandy replied. Seth accepted his shady response and settled back against the couch. "You can go see him, if you want. Nana won't bite."
"I know. I will. I just…need a break."
Sandy patted his leg and they both turned their attention to the Cheers rerun.
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Sophie left Ryan in Seth's capable hands that night and tucked her son in on the couch before going to bed herself. She set the alarm for seven but was up by six-thirty, helping Rosa unpack fresh groceries and starting breakfast.
"Hey, Ma. You're up way too early for California," Sandy said, greeting her as she was finishing up the first omelet.
She smiled as he kissed her cheek. "I have to fatten you guys up. I don't know how you are all so thin around here with Rosa cooking for you," Sophie said.
"I'm so sorry that we aren't rolling around on our round, fat bellies, but none of us are malnourished," Sandy laughed. "How's Ryan?"
"Seth's with him, they're both sleeping. I turned the TV off, I think they were watching something on TV before they fell asleep but it was cartoons when I checked on them," Sophie answered.
"Ma, they were probably watching the cartoons," Sandy said. "I need to talk to you about something before the boys get up," he said seriously.
"I need to talk to you about something, too," she replied. "Let's have some coffee first, though, huh?" She needed her coffee. They sat down at the kitchen table and she let Rosa serve them. She'd never had a servant but she had to admit that the Spanish lady was a good housekeeper. She'd taken good care of her boys.
"Kirsten wants to come home for the weekend," Sandy stated.
Sophie wasn't sure if she was being asked permission or just being told a fact.
"Has Ryan said…" Sandy started.
"He said that he didn't take me up on my offer for counseling because he loved her and he knew I didn't like her. He said that it hurt you that I couldn't get along with her…" she interrupted.
"He's a sharp kid," Sandy said after a pause, not meeting her gaze.
"He talked to me, Sandy. That's what I wanted to tell you. He…he tried to talk to me and even though I can't tell you everything that he said because it would be breaking his trust…I can tell you that you're doing everything right. That kid hasn't trusted anybody for a really long time but he trusts you," she said. She needed to tell Sandy. "When I first met him, I had no idea that he had a past like that…because you and Kirsten gave him a home…I know he's hurting right now, but one thing is still the same…he loves you both…"
Sophie thought she saw a tear in Sandy's eye, but he looked away before she could see for sure. Boys.
"She said some things to him during the intervention…"
Ouch. Sophie had assumed that Kirsten went on her own, not by force…
"Some things that she didn't mean, but that she knew would hurt…and if Ryan wasn't in such pain, I know he'd have let everything just bounce off like me and Seth…" Sandy continued. "But I think he was already up to his neck with his brother and that she might have clicked something over in his brain…maybe she was the last straw that tipped him over the edge to going after his brother that night…and if she has that much effect on him then how's this weekend going to go?"
Sophie let him finish and didn't speak. She knew that he didn't need her to respond, just to listen.
"But I think if waits too long to make it right then she might lose him…"
"They might need each other," she said quietly.
He nodded.
"He needs to know that he's worth something, Sandy…that he's not being punished…the only way to show him is to stick with this…show him you love him, listen when he needs it and let him be quiet when he needs it…he has to be comfortable…"
"Is he not comfortable?" Sandy asked, concerned.
"No, honey…what I'm trying to say is that a little more TLC is not going to hurt Ryan," Sophie finished.
"Why did I think you'd be lecturing me by now about Kirsten?"
"It's not my place. You've been married to her twenty years…it's about time I accept that I can't change that," she said. "It took Ryan to teach me that…so I'm sorry…"
Sandy reached over and took her hand with a smile. "Thanks, Ma…for coming and for…for doing all this for me…"
"Thank you for remembering that I'm a part of your family again," Sophie smiled.
The door opened and a very sleepy Seth walked in. "Dude, I told you there'd be food, Ryan's stomach's been growling louder than I could snore," Seth told them.
Ryan was rubbing his eyes drowsily but he had come inside without coaxing. He went directly to the coffee maker and nodded to Seth.
"Oh yeah," Seth said, pointing at the cast. He poured two cups of coffee and moved them to the table.
Ryan spoke softly to Rosa, giving the lady a wide smile before she shooed him over to the table and pulled out his chair for him.
Seth winked at her. "Ryan always sucks up to Rosa, that's why he has so many more muscles than me, she gives him special food."
Ryan gave him the finger but Rosa tapped him teasingly on the back of his head.
Sandy was smiling but Sophie could tell that he was worried how the tentative family atmosphere was going to react when Kirsten came back into the picture, even for just the weekend.
---------
"Kirsten. Sandy's promised to get all the alcohol out of the house…"
"I'm not planning on drinking…"
Dr. Woodruff studied her from the driver's seat.
She sighed. "I know, people never plan on it…but I just want to go home and see my family. Show them that I am not going to lose them. I never got to tell my father how much I loved him and I can't make that mistake again…"
"I told you that I can stay with you…this is too much stress for someone like you…"
"Someone like me? I'm a mother, I'm a wife, this isn't stress," she snapped. She was so tired of everyone telling her what she could and could not handle. She was an alcoholic, she was tired of denying that, too, but she had been Sandy's wife and Seth's mother for a lot longer than she'd been an alcoholic. The fact that they were handling everything without her was killing her.
They needed her and she wasn't there.
Seth had needed her, Ryan had needed her, and she wasn't there. She'd let them down. She'd let Sandy down.
She had to show them that she was sorry and that no matter her personal issues, that she was still there for them.
Sandy always had a stronger relationship with the boys. Before Ryan came, Seth was her son, he loved her and would barely grace his father with a sentence. He was withdrawn but he had loved her. But when Seth saw how much Ryan trusted Sandy…everything changed. Seth and Ryan became Sandy's sons.
Seth hadn't really talked to her since Portland. She wanted him home and Sandy let him stay. Seth never forgave her and Sandy never forgave her for doubting his decision.
She had been so busy with ignoring Rachel and seducing Carter and drinking to bother with trying to work out all those feelings. She'd turned away from them and it didn't really matter who turned away first.
"Kirsten? What's on your mind?"
The center wasn't a bad place, they just didn't let her hide from her problems. She'd started drinking to dull the hurt. She wasn't happy in her life. She wasn't happy…but the alcohol had made her forget.
"We're almost there, Kirsten."
"Okay. Sandy will bring me back if…if it doesn't go well," she said, straightening her back. She brushed her fingers through her hair.
He nodded, pulling through the gates.
The driveway looked the same. She'd only been gone a week but she knew how much had changed inside.
She gathered her purse on her lap as he turned off the engine.
"Any last words?" Kirsten asked.
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Sandy dipped his finger into the leftover frosting in the bowl and got it almost to his mouth when the doorbell rang. His mother didn't even turn away from the freshly baked muffins.
He hurried to the foyer and opened the door.
Kirsten.
"Hi…" she started, but he was too busy embracing her.
All his doubts, all his second thoughts, all of that was gone because she was in his arms. He missed her so much. She smelled different. Her eyes were brighter. Her hair was shiny again. She almost looked like the woman he married.
"You never have to ring the doorbell," he whispered, kissing her cheek. He didn't know if he was allowed to kiss her lips yet.
"So…this is okay?" she asked.
"This is more than okay. Ma's in the kitchen making dinner, she says since it's our first family dinner that it has to be special," he said.
She looked at him, doubtfully. "Your mother…"
He knew she'd question him. "Let's talk first. You want to go out back?" He put his arm around her waist and she leaned into him.
It had been so long since she had leaned on him. Or even allowed him to touch her. He sighed as they walked around the edge of the house into the backyard.
"How are the boys?"
"Ryan had a pretty good day today. They're in the poolhouse watching TV," Sandy answered. It was true. Ryan had only suffered one panic attack so far and he'd calmed down after a few minutes of talking.
"I figured the girls would be sticking close to them," she said, sitting down with him at the table furthest from the house.
"Ryan's not really in any shape to be social," Sandy replied. "And Seth's really protective."
"Have you heard from Trey?"
"He called. He's not going to talk to Ryan. No matter what. I'm going to try my best to get him locked up for the maximum…I don't want Ryan to know anything about it," he said.
"Of course…what about the…the other case."
Sandy flushed. "I hired a lawyer. To…to handle that. My family needs me more right now."
She smiled at him and her eyes lit up. "Good for you. I was worried…worried that you'd be doing too much…"
He took her hand. "I miss you."
"I miss you, too. I'll be home for good as soon as I'm strong again. I…I lost my way, Sandy," she whispered.
"We'll help you find it. Want to see the boys?"
Her face flashed with trepidation.
"It'll be okay. They won't bite," Sandy said, needing to convince her. The faster they got this started, the less it would hurt. Like a band aid.
"Okay," Kirsten replied. He could see her steadying herself. She was going to do this.
"Do you want me to prepare you?" he asked, guiding her to the poolhouse.
"Yeah."
"He's bruised, all over. He's still got stitches in his back, if you happen to see him shirtless. He's got a cast on his wrist…"
"How's he doing? I know you got him the best doctors, I just want to know about…"
"He's not crazy. He's comfortable. He's…he's still a little off…"
"You just told me he wasn't up for social interaction, what am I supposed to think?" she asked, confused.
Sandy put an arm around her and she didn't flinch. He missed her so damn much. "Just don't expect him to have any intense discussions with you today. He's…"
"Fragile."
He saw her watching their boys through the windows.
Seth was talking animatedly with the video game controller in his hand. Ryan was lying in bed with his arm across his face, but it was clear that he was listening.
"Where are you getting that from?" Sandy asked. They looked reasonably relaxed in his opinion.
She smiled at him and knocked softly on the door.
"Mom!" Seth called out, opening the door and embracing her. "Hey…"
"Hey, Seth…" she smiled widely.
"You made it past the Nana and everything," Seth teased, winking at him. He was at full-on-enthusiasm. Sandy loved his son.
"Haven't actually been inside yet," Kirsten said.
Ryan had gotten to his feet when Sandy glanced at him again. He didn't step forward and he kept his eyes lowered but Kirsten made the first step, embracing him tightly.
Seth stepped over beside him. "Why do you look so worried?"
Kirsten was speaking to Ryan in an urgent whisper but they couldn't make out the words.
"It's okay…it's okay…don't worry about it…" Ryan started, keeping his eyes closed.
Sandy wanted Kirsten and Ryan to go back to normal. But he realized that to Ryan, placating the needy parent was normal. He didn't know any other way to be a good son.
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Her arms held him tightly. "I'm so sorry about what I said, I didn't mean it, I love you, you're so important to me and I'm so sorry that I wasn't here when you needed me…"
Every phrase had it's own landmine so he let her hold him and told her what she needed to hear. "It's okay…"
He knew it wasn't his responsibility to sugar coat things for Kirsten but it was easier than facing everything else.
She pulled back and took his face in her hands. Her eyes were bright with emotion. "I want you to listen to me. I'm sorry."
"Me, too. I'm glad you're better," he said automatically, ignoring Sandy's worried look.
"You shouldn't be up, lie down, I don't want you straining yourself just because I'm here," she said suddenly.
He was startled by the quick change from her accepting comfort to her giving comfort. He glanced at Sandy who nodded. He sat down on the bed. He was relieved when Seth resumed his perch at the edge by the TV.
"So, Mom, how's rehab?" Seth asked bluntly.
Kirsten's face flushed but she finally relaxed into a smile. "It's kind of like going back to school except the classes are about me and my mistakes." She sat down beside Seth on the bed. Sandy settled to stand beside Ryan. He put his hand on Ryan's shoulder and studied him for a long moment.
"It's not as bad as I thought. I…I really needed a wake up call…but I know now that you guys really loved me to make me go…"
"You needed help, Mom. We're just glad you're getting it," Seth said.
Seth and Sandy were visibly elated to have Kirsten back and despite his depression and apprehension, it was good to have her back.
"How have you guys been doing?" she glanced backwards at him and noticed Sandy's hand on his shoulder. Her face flashed with worry but she covered it quickly.
Everyone's game face was on now.