A/N: Damn I'm bored. That's all I've been since school started a month ago. So only random Fullmetal Alchemist one-shots for now. And that Family Guy "Can't Touch Me" song is stuck in my head. xDDD Family Guy's the coolest.

Dear whomever it may concern,

Hi. My name is Envy. You should know who I am—if you're a Fullmetal Alchemist fan, that is (which you should be, because that show's badass). But if you DON'T know who I am, let me guess: you're one of those weirdos who depend on dubs for your anime desires. Right? Am I right? Yeah. Thought so.

I've been asked the QUEEREST questions of the Fullmetal Alchemist cast. Like, honestly. Just because I have a belly shirt, means I don't have any fucking feelings, right? I know I'm one of the more…interesting characters in the series, but puh-leaze. I won't lick your ass for better FAQs. So let me clear a few things up.

First of all, why did I kill Chibi-san, you ask? The real question is: why the hell didn't I do it sooner? The bitch deserved it. And yeah, he came back, went back to hell again, blah, blah, blah… His misery is almost sex appeal.

Wait. Scratch that last comment. Because people are having the distinct impression I'm gay. Well, I'm not. That's that. I'm asexual. I just like boys a little more. And pretty pink things. (sigh) I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.

And for those equally perverted pricks who think I'm straight… no, I have never "did it" with Lust. What makes you say that? I mean, yeah, we're both dead sexy. But she's basically my boss. Aren't employee relationships against the rules?

Oh. And why the spandex? ALL the Homunculi wear spandex. We have our own little dress code, actually. It's pretty kinky. I just have a better fashion-sense than everyone else; Greed nearly jabbed me in the danger zone when I took his skort idea.

Also, what's up with everyone implying I'm actually FEMALE? You haven't been in my pants; you wouldn't know. Just trust me on this one. Unless, of course, you want me to flash you. That I can do.

Palm tree, palm tree, palm tree… Who the fuck started all of that? Whoever did needs to get hit by something larger than they are. Are homo nicknames your idea of a sick joke? Screw you, moocow.

See what I mean? My fan-mail box is FULL of crap like that. So leave me the hell alone. Go away. Bother some other Homunculi. Pfft.

Your favorite person ever,

Envy.

P.S. EDWARD ELRIC'S GAY.