MUA HA HA! Ladies, gentlemen, Juvinile delinquents! From the sick mind behind The Wizard of Cuz, The Health Class Fic of SC4R33 D00M, and The Heart of the Idiots, I return, and as crazy as ever, with my second multi-chapter story called THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIK!

I have just received word that my hostile takeover of Kazuki Takahashi and the Yu-Gi-Oh empire failed! So basically, I still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh…I'm working on it….

My last story had at least a basic structure to it, but this one is a lot more random and free-flowing, so expect crazier humor than my last fic, 'The Wizard of Cuz'. I think this story's doomed to be a little shorter though…

As you all know, Marik has this band of lackeys he calls Rare Hunters. But have you ever wondered why he has Rare Hunters? Do you think they just came around for no good reason at all? Have you ever wondered if there is a real story behind why he has them?

Well, as odd as it sounds, there is a story. A terribly mindless one, but a story's a story. So here you are, the epic quest of Marik, before he had a bunch of people to do it for him. Can he handle stealing Yugi's Millennium Puzzle only relying on him, himself, and he, while fighting off dozens of other villains who want to do the same, with dozens of other random horrors awaiting him? Of course he can't…boy, is Odion going to be working overtime…

Chapter One

WELL WRITEN, BUT SOMEWHAT POINTLES LETTERS

In which we meet the main character, and in the end, wish we didn't.

Far, far away from the land you and I know so well, across tall mountains, spiraling vales, scorching deserts, freakishly cold north lands, far on a tiny island in the midst of a rough and tumble sea, where the water lashed on jagged rocks under gray skies as biting winds, gulls screaming for mercy as they were thrown every which way, a perilous quest across land that feed of the carnage of it's victims! Love! Hate! Vengeance! Healing! Life! Death! Renewal! All come into play in a great legend that will be told for years and years to come!

Or at least, that's how it would be if this author wasn't cheep and unimaginative.

MEANWHILE, IN A TINY TOWN IN COLORADO

"How could she!" Marik, an Egyptian native who decided to become inexplicably evil and plot very bad things in a suburban town, was screaming at what he just saw. "I ADMIRED HER ALL THROUGH MY YOUTH! WHY DID SHE DO THIS TO ME!" SHE BETRAYED ME! SHE BETRAYED ME!"

"…and test have shown that Mary-Kate Olsen is indeed anorexic," said the news reporter. "Now, here's Jean with sports."

"NOOOOO!" Marik screamed, crashing his fist down through the arm of the love seat he was sitting on when he heard the particular bulleton on the five o'clock news. "I DON'T WANT TO SEE JEAN WITH SPORTS! MARY-KATE! WHY YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU?"

Ever since he saw their detective series, Mary-Kate and Ashley have been his heroes. He has brought every book and DVD of their work, and knows every line to each. When he heard one of his heroes had an eating disorder, he was dissolved in a fit of rage (IOW a temper tantrum), which he managed to deal with by throwing his Millennium Rod through the TV.

"I'm back from getting groceries and submitting my resume to get as far away from this rat hole as humanly possible," said Odion, quite possibly the only person on the face of the Earth who Marik liked. He needed a better job anyway.

"Odion!" Marik whined. "The TV said Mary-Kate was anorexic!"

"Don't tell me you destroyed the TV again!" Odion said angrily. "Why do you carry that thing around anyway?"

"Cause I can!" Marik said angrily, prying his rod from the twisted and sparking remains of the TV. "Plus, it matches my earrings!...Oh great, now I'm bored!"

"Go play on the computer!" Odion said, beginning his attempt to put the TV back together.

"I destroyed that too," Marik said. "You see, I was cruising fan fiction dot net, and there was this story that said I fell in love with some loser named Bakura, who I just found out was a guy. I got mad…"

"WHY DON"T YOU USE THAT STRESS BALL I GOT YOU?" Odion asked angrily.

"I destroyed that too," said Marik.

"Well fine," Odion said, still fixing the TV. "Then just go and do that thing you always wanted to do, but usually after your done ranting about it you go watch Wheel of Fortune. Oh…what was it…"

"Bake the perfect apple pie?" Marik said.

"No…the other one…" Odion said.

"Solve the world's energy crisis and blame it on television?" Marik asked.

"No..." Odion said.

"Take over the world?" Marik asked.

"Yeah…that one…" Odion said.

"Okay!" Marik said. "I suppose I have to get that Millenium Puzzle thing first…"

"Why?" Odion asked said, wondering what tool he needed to use to somehow put the TV back together.

"You see, it's just like my sister told me about that one time…" Marik said, as the wavy flashback effects started to work.

THAT ONE TIME

"Okay Marik," Ishizu said, chilling with him in their underground home. Marik was supposed to get his history lesson, but today he got something a little different. "Now it's time for your lesson on highly dangerous things that can destroy the world."

"Yay!" seven year old Marik said.

"Okay," Ishizu said. "The first thing is if Barney became a military superpower."

With that, she held up a huge billboard with a picture of Barney holding a hand grenade and a rocket launcher on his back.

"Yay!" Marik said.

"The second thing is if Jessica Simpson found a way to create a new line of exploding imitation butter," said Ishizu. Then, she held up a billboard with a picture of Jessica Simpson wearing a halter top and low rise jeans throwing a tub of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' at a building, causing it to collapse.

"Yay!" said Marik.

"The third thing is if somehow, an evil psycho got a hold of the ancient Millennium Puzzle and manipulated its evil and dangerous powers," Ishizu finished. This time she held up a picture of the Millennium Puzzle.

"Yay!" Marik said.

"Now, who wants sugar?" Ishizu said, holding up a huge bag of raw sugar.

"ME! ME!" Marik cried.

BACK TO OUR IDIOT'S MEANINGLESS LIVES

"Those were such happy times…" Marik said.

"How could you remember?" Odion said, getting out the wrenches. "Half of the time you collapsed and were in a coma for days because you were sugar high!"

"That's not the point!" Marik said. "You're right Odion! It's high time I do something useful with my life! And what better way than to take over the world! And due to my TV viewing ability, I have learned the location of Yugi Mutou, the bearer of the Millennium Puzzle!"

"Where?" Odion asked.

"Some hick town called Domino City," Marik said. "Now, I know what I must do!"

With that, he walked over to his role desk and pulled out a pad of stationary and a purple gel pen.

"I," Marik said, "Marik Ishtar, shall now…write a neatly written letter politely requesting Yugi Mutou to hand over his puzzle! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

With that, Marik began to scribble down a work of truly genius penmanship! Oh, how he wrote! The perfect spelling! The well-crafted, grammatically correct sentences! His pen scratched and scratched upon his pretty stationary featuring cute little duckies wearing bathing suits and inner tubes. It read thus:

Dear Yugi Mutou,

I realize that, being a kick-arse duelist, you are often being hounded by the media, and it must be increasingly difficult to keep your puzzle safe from thieves, vagrants, or overall yahoos. So, I propose that you hand complete possession of your puzzle over to me, and I will keep it until you are a completely useless has been, and teenagers all over the world will ask 'Yugi who?'

Thank you for your time.

Marik Ishtar

"It's genius Odion!" Marik yelled with delight. "GENIUS!"

"That wasn't quite the word I was looking for…" Odion said.

A FEW DAYS LATTER AT YUGI MUTOU"S HOUSE!

Yugi's Grandfather walked down to the mailbox to see what was in the mail today. He pulled out one bill, two eviction notices, one death threat, one magazine subscription, a free trip to the Florida, and a letter with an envelope with a cute little ducky wearing a pair of swim trunks and an inner tube.

Grandpa was perplexed by the mysterious letter, and why it was written with stationary featuring cute little duckies wearing bathing suits and inner tubes. He looked at the return address.

Marik Ishtar.
WHERE I LIVE IS NOT IMPORTANT! YOU WILL NEVER TRACE ME! NEVER!
MUA HA HA HA HA HA!

"Marik…that's a girl's name isn't it…" Yugi's grandpa said, walking back to the house. With that, he walked back into the game shop and opened the door.

"Yugi!" Grandpa called. "Somebody named Marik sent you a letter!"

"That's a girl's name isn't it," said Yugi, reading his 'Sailor Moon' manga with Yami on his bed. "It's probably another one of Yami's fan-girl letter's Grandpa! Throw it in the huge trash heap with the others!"

"What do you mean with the others?" Yami asked curiously, looking up from the manga.

TWO WEEKS LATER

"-and so, the earthquake has completely ravaged all of the West Coast, leaving millions without power of adequate junk food-" the announcer on TV announced.

"AH HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Marik screamed with laughter as Odion was vacuuming the hallway in an apron. "Odion, you have got to check out this new sitcom! It's hilarious!"

"Uh…yeah," Odion said, trying to vacuum under the sofa's of which everyone knows are the most impossible places to vacuum. 'All the hard to reach spaces'. HA! This was the last time Odion listened to the smooth talking yet incredibly bad actors on infomercials.

"Hey did the mail come?" Marik asked.

"Yes," Odion said.

"Did I get anything?" Marik asked.

"If you got something, wouldn't I have just walked up to you and gave it to you?" Odion asked.

"Well, I don't really know you that well!" Marik said.

"You've known me all your life," Odion said.

"What did we get in the mail Odion?" Marik asked.

"Two bills, three pieces of junk mail, my new issue of Subservience Monthly, one eviction notice, two death threats, one letter bomb, and a partridge in a pair tree."

"Oh, stop being sarcastic Odion," Marik said.

"No, I'm not kidding," Odion said. "We got a partridge in a pear tree. See?"

He pointed to the other end of the room to a decorative pear tree with a happy little bird sleeping in it.

"Oh, I thought that was always there," Marik said. "Oh darn, it's been two weeks! ODION! Fetch me my stationary! I need to write another letter!"

Dear Yugi Motou,

I can see my previous letter to you has gotten lost in the mail, and I will only see it again when it appears on a talk show forty years from now. However, I am willing to re-tell my proposition to you.

You may think you're so cool, but one day, you are going to be a useless wannabe with no life pumping gas somewhere. Until then, I want to keep your Millennium Puzzle safe and give it back to you when you need it to remind you of your brief and entirely useless youth and glory days.

Cheers,

Marik Ishtar

---ooo---

Meanwhile, unsuspecting to the world, a dangerous mission was being brewed at the local government headquarters, STUPID, Supplementary Tactical Unraveling and Persecution of Insane Delinquents. STUPID takes pride in tracking down lawbreakers of all kind, and its clever disguise was and is that of an everyday Home and Garden's store! In one conference hall, unfortunately, all was not right.

Enter Bianca Hayasaka, and Tish Tamakashi, probably the two most up and coming agents in the business. They were the most deadly pair ever since they left the academy. Bianca, a long haired red headed, brown eyed, tall, thin, and graceful-figured beauty, while lacking most basic intelligence (and I mean the most basic), greatly advance in raw strength, dexterity, knowledge of charming opponents into false senses of security, and expert weapon use and close combat. Her partner and best friend, Tish, a short, tri-colored haired (her base color silver white, despite the fact she was in her twenties, with black and orange streaked in), green and grey eyed, willowy girl, a little bit shorter than Bianca, possessed not only a massive amount of intelligence, but mastery in strategy, cunning, catlike reflexes, and a sharp wit (this is starting to sound like 'Kiddy Grade', isn't it?). Only three months out of the academy, and they already had their first mission.

"Here's the nice hot water for your foot soak Mr. Boss," said Tish, angrily carrying in a basin of hot water in a skin-tight body suit.

"AND I GOT THE FRUIT!" said Bianca happily, skipping in, also in a skin-tight body suit.

"Thank you girls, my feetzies felt all saaaad," said a balding man at the head of the table. "I suppose I should give you an actual mission by now…"

"One that doesn't involve soaking your putrid feet?" asked Tish.

"The fruit looks so happy! Don't you think so Tish?" asked Bianca.

"Boo…" said Tish threatening. (A/N Boo is Bianca's nickname)

"Tell me…" said Mr. Boss, holding up a crude, stick figure with a frowny face that looked like Marik, who was sticking his tongue out. "Do you recognize…THIS MAN?"

"No, I can't say," said Tish. "I haven't met many stick figures in my life…"

"La la la la la…HAPPY FRUIT!" said Bianca, picking up an orange and an apple and making them dance on the table.

"His name is Marik Ishtar, and he is one of our most wanted men!" said Mr. Boss. "His list of past discrepancies is incredible! Have a look!"

"Um…" said Tish, flipping through a file labeled 'Marik Ishtar the Pig Dog', "He doesn't have a single thing on file, except one."

"IT'S HORRIBLE ISN'T IT?" screamed Mr. Boss.

"No…" said Tish.

"NEVERTHELESS!" screamed Mr. Boss. "Your assignment is to go to the place he is predicted to strike next, Domino City, a classic hick town, disguise yourself as a local, and hunt him down like a dog, to right this terrible crime! Do I make myself clear Ms. Tamakashi and Ms. Hayasaka?"

"Do we get fruit after?" asked Bianca.

"Uh…sure," said Mr. Boss.

"WE'RE IN!" screamed Bianca.

"Whatever," said Tish. "Don't bother to give us way-cool gadgets, just hand over the plane tickets."

"What plane tickets?" asked Mr. Boss.

"We have to buy our own plane tickets?" asked Tish in shock.

"Until you're promoted!" said Mr. Boss.

"I hate this job," said Tish, dragging Bianca away from the basket of fruit by the back of her suit.

ANOTHER FEW DAYS LATTER

"Yugi," Grandpa called from downstairs, "that Marik girl wrote you another letter. I think she really wants you to read it!"

"What makes you say that?" Yugi asked from upstairs, painting his toes with Yami.

"She doused the entire letter with a perfume that smells eerily like pizza," Grandpa said.

"She's just another of Yami's fangirls Grandpa!" Yugi said. "Burn them with the others!"

"Just how many of those letters am I getting?" Yami asked.

BACK WITH THE WEIRDOES

"-and so, Sparkles the magical blue pony went off to the far away land of Pixiebutt, where all of the kind sprites, elves, fairies, red dogs, and milkmen took care of him forever and ever. The end," said Odion, closing up the huge story book with a pink bunny on the cover, entitled 'Bed Time Stories for Babies or Pathetic Fools."

"Oh, that was such a happy story Odion!" Marik said, covered under his pink coverlet in his bed, while Odion was sitting in a rocking chair not far from it.

"Ee-yah, that," Odion said.

"So, anything in the mail?" Marik asked.

"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT NOW?" Odion screamed.

"I dunno," Marik said.

"You didn't get anything from Yugi, alright?" Odion said. "He's a celebrity! I'm sure he doesn't answer every single letter he gets!"

"But…but…" Marik said, huge purple eyes shiny and filled with tears.

"Look, will the story of Happy the Magic Can Opener make you feel better?" Odion asked.

"No, I think I need to drown in sorrow now!" Marik said sadly, burring his face in the pillows and bawling at the top of his lungs.

"That's it, just let it all out…let it all out…"Odion said, going downstairs to watch Survivor.

---ooo---

"I still can't believe that we have to buy plane tickets…" said Tish, still in her secret agent uniform, in some random airport in England, talking to the ticket seller. "Two tickets to Domino City please."

"Round trip?" said the attendant.

"Yep," said Tish.

"THIS EVIL FRUIT MACHINE WON'T GIVE ME MY BANANAS!" said Bianca, also in her black, skin-tight body suit, violently kicking the fruit machine, then, eventually giving up with pure rage, opened up her suitcase in the shape of a huge, happy, smiling frog, pulled out a H.E.A.T. gun, and blew a hole through it, until a small bunch of charred bananas fell through the slot.

"That reminds me," said the ticket seller, pulling out a small cardboard box with a piece of paper labeled 'Weppins', "hand over your arms ladies."

"Aw…" said Tish, opening one of her suit cases, and dumping out two rail guns, a Sig Sauer 9MM, and a grenade launcher, as well as several ammo cartridges. "You too Bianca."

"No fun airline people," said Bianca, dumping out her suit case, which was full of weapons along the same lines. It took her a while to let go of her H.E.A.T. cannon, but Tish managed to persuade her by saying that if she didn't, she'd force her to eat health food and not her regular three square meals of Snikers. They both were heading to the plane when-

"All of them," said the ticket seller.

Tish gave Bianca a look, and Bianca sighed, walking over with her purse, pulling out her makeup case, snapping it open, and pouring out an assortment of smoke bombs and small grenades. And so, the two L33T 4G3NTZ of Doom headed off to Domino. So was the first step in the chaos and madness that was to come. For from their exodus, from all over the world, weirdoes would be cued to converge over one spot…and doom was to ensure (not to mention a fanfic).

---ooo---

CHAPTER ONE! BWA HA!

I am terribly sorry about the shortness. Don't worry, upcoming chapters will be much longer.

Thank you so much to everyone who's reading this right now! If you're not familiar with my updating system, I always do it on Friday, so keep an eye out for it!

Next time, all of you will get to see Marik kiss a television set, the Doom Biker's playing PC Monopoly, a ice cream salesperson getting barbequed by a heat ray, and so much more!

Anyway, I hope you liked it, and if you are a Marik fangirl, please don't kill me. Just asking. Anyway, review me pleasy, and hope to see you next chapter!