Title: "Breakdown"

Author: Hattori Hanzo

Genre: Romance/Angst

Rating: M just to be safe

Warnings: Femslash (Buffy/Faith).

It was 4 AM in the morning and I was listening to a song called "Breakdown", by Mariah Carey & Bone Thugs 'n' Harmony. The strange and irresistible urge to write a fic came over me, so I did. Uhh... if it sucks, let me know. If it doesn't, let me know :P

You called yesterday

To basically say

That you care for me but

That you're just not in love

Immediately, I pretended to be feeling similarly and led you to believe it was OK

To just walk away from the one thing that's unyielding and sacred to me

Mariah Carey feat. Bone Thugs 'n' Harmony - "Breakdown"

Buffy walked quietly down the sidewalk, her footsteps echoing in the silence. Every once in a while she would pause, trying to decide if she really wanted to do it or not. Who knew what could happen if she did it? Who knew what could happen if she didn't do it? She'd get hurt either way... she was just trying to pick the lesser of two evils. At one point, she even stopped dead in her tracks and spun on her heels, shaking her head, sighing and deciding she just wasn't strong enough to do it. She couldn't bring herself to go there and force her mouth to speak the words she knew would hurt the one she would be saying them too. And by hurting Faith, she would hurt herself. But she couldn't keep going with it.

She would look away from Angel and try to keep her breath steady everytime he would tell her how much he loved her. She really did her best, but she knew that he noticed how she just couldn't bear to hear those three words. Everytime he would dare even whisper "I love you", she would stiffen and look down at her feet, avoiding eye contact with him. And only after much concentration and after gathering obscene amounts of strength, she would push a simple "You too" through her lips. That wasn't the case with Faith. She would continuosly tell the other Slayer how she loved her. She would scream it to her, followed by her name, while they were lying on Faith's bed, their naked, sweaty bodies rubbing furiously, making the springs in Faith's old, dirty matress squeak. She would say it to her when Faith's head was lying on her shoulder, her eyes watching reruns of the Three Stooges intently. And Faith would look at her, wipe a strand of brown hair away from her eyes and look into Buffy's, and say, loud and clear, "I love you too, B."

She only realized she had finally reached her destination when her closed fist was up in the air, ready to knock on the dirty wood of Faith's door. She lowered her hand a bit, then wiped her eyes with the back of it, trying her best not to cry, trying her best to be strong and not break down there, only to run back home and crawl into her bed hating herself for not having it in her to put an end to her relationship with Faith. Ignoring all her rational thoughts, she swung her hand at the door, her knuckles hitting it with a little more force than she intended them to. She stood for a few minutes under the flickering light of the old lamp hanging above her, illuminating at least a portion of the porch of the motel. When Faith didn't open the door to let her in, she thought once again about leaving, but mentally slapped herself and knocked again.
She heard shuffling inside and heard her lover's muffled voice shout, "I'm coming, hang on." A few seconds later, she heard the keys turn and the dark haired Slayer pulled the door open, surprised to see Buffy standing there, looking at her with watery eyes. She frowned, wondering why her girlfriend would hold back her tears and why she would have any tears to hold back at all.
"Can I come in?" Buffy asked quietly, fidgeting and looking down at her well-manicured, pink nails.
"Uh, yeah. Sure," Faith replied, stepping aside for Buffy to enter. The girl stepped into the room and Faith laid a hand on her shoulder as she walked past, caressing it. She was surprised when the other Slayer shied away from her, almost as if she was afraid.
She closed the door with a click and followed her lover to the bed, where they both sat, much farther apart from each other than usual. Faith watched Buffy intently, but looked away every time the blonde would shoot her a quick, reluctant look. When the tension hanging in the air became too thick to bear, the brunette asked in a sympathetic tone, "So what's up?"
Buffy took a deep, shaky breath, her tears threatening to spill when she did. She closed her mouth and her lips quivered. "We..." She sighed once again, wiping her left eye with her thumb. "We have to stop. We have to break up."
The words hit Faith harder than any blow she'd ever received, and that included being sucker punched by Lagos or having her ass kicked by one of the bitches from the Sisterhood of Jhe. After finally mustering enough strength to speak, she said, sounding both angrier and sadder than she wanted to, "And why do you think we should do that?"
Buffy's eyes widened slightly at the tone of Faith's voice, but she still refused to meet the other girl's gaze. "Because... I can't keep lying to Angel. It's hurting me, and it's hurting him. And I don't want that to happen."
"Well, did you ever consider that maybe doing this would hurt me?" Faith asked through gritted teeth.
"I did," the blonde said, her words shaking as she spoke while tears ran down her pale cheeks. "But Faith, I love Angel. We've been through God-knows-what and we're still together. And he loves me too."
Faith sighed, trying as hard as she could to calm herself, to supress her anger, her sadness, and nodded slowly. "I get it. You both mean a lot to each other."
Buffy added quickly, "Don't ever think you don't mean a lot-"
"It's cool, B. It's no big deal, really. I know what you both have been through. I see how much you love him. He loves you too."
Buffy frowned at Faith's sudden change in behavior. That wasn't what she expected at all. She expected Faith to either break down into tears, cling to her arm and beg her not to leave her or lash out with anger and throw a punch at her face. But... she never expected a calm and understanding reaction.
"You're not angry?" The blonde asked in a calm, comforting and at the same time incredibly sad voice.
Faith frowned, thinking. After a few seconds, she sighed and said quietly, "No. I'm a bit... surprised, that's all. but not angry."
"Sad?" Buffy asked, expecting - wanting, even - Faith to say yes.
Faith shook her head slowly, calm as ever. "No, B. I totally get why you're doing this."
The other Slayer knew she was lying. That wasn't like Faith at all. That, or she didn't really know her lover as well as she thought she did. "You're not sad... at all?"
The brunette took a very deep breath, trying to calm her beating heart and uttered, "No." But her voice faltered and she knew Buffy noticed she'd lied.
"That's not true. I can tell."
Faith let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, and said, "Ok... so maybe I'm a little hurt. But what am I gonna do? You don't wanna be with me, I'm not gonna try and force you to stay with me."
Buffy slowly and reluctantly raised a shaking hand, putting it on Faith's shoulder. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being so understanding," Buffy said. "It still hurts to tell you this, but... you made it easier."
Faith gave her now-ex-girfriend a weak smile and said, "Any time."
The blonde stood up slowly and waited for the other girl to do the same. Once she had, they walked slowly to the door and Faith pulled it open. Buffy stepped out of the room and turned around slowly. "You sure you ok?"
Faith nodded. "Yeah. Five by five."
Buffy nodded slowly, a weak and fake smile plastered on her lips, and then proceeded to turn around once again and walk away, hearing the door shut with a click behind her.

TO BE CONTINUED

A/N: So whatcha guys think? This is really my first attempt at angst - well, not my first but the first I actually put some thought into - so if it sucks, lemme know. Positive and negative reviews are welcome. Also, I will only update it if I get 3 reviews per chapter or more. Why? Because if I get at least 3 reviews per chapter, it means at least a few people are reading it. And if I don't, it means no one's reading it... and if no one's reading it, what's the whole point of continuing it?