Chapter 4

Hogwarts (or the place that was a prison)

Well Good Morning Sunshine! Don't kick you sidekick as you get up and thanking them for waking you would be a nice gesture since you are now a tyrannical master.

Now that you have had your eight hours sleep, put on your make up, a little foundation and eye lifter will make you feel so much better about yourself! And boys this includes you! You don't have to see how ugly women are without make up on, so why should they have to suffer your ugliness?

Now that you're all pretty, put the lipstick down unless you want to beaten up, you can start getting ready to leave for the train. You will see that your sidekick, being very proficient has already packed your school trunk, Mary Poppins type satchel or kitchen bath for you and therefore you shouldn't kick them when they forget to bring you scrambled eggs with the full English breakfast they made. A clip round the ear will suffice.

Once you've finished breakfast (no it isn't poisoned) you can go to Kings Cross Station in London. How you get there is completely up to you. However if you would like to get there in one piece I don't recommend the following transportation:

Tiger

Dragon

Rabid Werewolf

Three Year Old Rickshaw Driver

A Taxi playing the song 'By the Way'

An old man offering you sweets from a car window

Hitchhiking in a Smart Car (unless you want to pretend to be coats)

Wheelie Bin

Once you've arrived at Kings Cross Station you need to find your way to platform nine and three quarters (9 ¾), which is deceptively situated between platforms 5 and 6. If you are one shrewd observer you will notice that people seem to disappear through the solid brick wall between the two platforms, however this is complete nonsense, if you wish to try running at the wall you will break your nose among other things and will incur the wrath of the train station officials (you wouldn't like them when they're angry) so I shall let you in on a little secret. Tap the green brick at the bottom of the wall with your trolley and you will open the secret trap door that will drop you straight onto the platform. Alternatively you could just take the stairs on your right hand side.

When down on the platform it would be wise to avoid running over peoples toes with your trolley, it's very rude and not the best way to make friends. Before you get on the big ruby red train stood in the station, now is a good time to check your list…yes your top ten football teams are still on it! The items you still have left to be used are:-

The marauders' map – it has lots of pretty pictures in case you get bored and can help you find people if you lose them in big crowds or in the dark or you just really want to avoid someone

Any product from WWW or Weasley Wizard Wheezes. You never know when you'll need some form of distraction, act of vengeance, something to cover a cowardly escape or something that will make you laugh…it's also nice to go and see Fred and George.

A pocket handkerchief

The Angel DVD box set

A rare Roman coin

A commemorative plate from some event within modern history – the World Wars, Jubilees, Birthdays, Royal Weddings, Plastic Father Christmas Buffet trays…

A single chopstick

A coaster

A typewriter

A bunch of daises

A French Onion sellers bicycle

A Beret

Inspector Closseau's moustache

A curtain hook

A length of fishing line

A pair of sunglasses

A clock

An eye patch

And a miscellaneous kitchen item

Make sure you also have your pigeon and owl still and not in the same cage. Pigeons and owls aren't the best of friends, no matter what Saturday morning cartoons may endeavour to try and teach you.

Now there is always a queue to get on the train and it is imperative that your sidekick and you get a compartment all to yourself so you can turn away the unwanted riff raff and only invite the deceptive and devious in for tea and crumpets…though it is at this point you will realise you have forgotten to bring any jam, which you can blame on your sidekick and the punishment (I suggest putting him on sock duty for Hagrid) will have to wait if you are to avoid the queue.

Attach your length of fishing line to the curtain hook and using it as a grappling hook secure it to the roof of the train. Now tie your sidekick to the end of it and push him at the window – watch out for the broken glass as you climb in after him – well maybe that was punishment enough for forgetting the jam. Don't forget to repair the window and make sure your sidekick is breathing and has enough blood to prepare your tea and crumpets.

The trick to associating yourself with the right kind of wizards is simple – blonde or dark haired and look distinctly ferret or troll like evil wizards, often whelpy or all brawn no brain – good for a cowardly army. Ginger haired wizards good, all members or some relation to the Weasley family – just check to see whether they're named Percy or not (this is never a good thing as could lead to long conversations about one Bartemius Crouch and the thickness of cauldron bottoms). Ignore those of the spectral plane because they are either a) ghosts or b) not really there – not the best recruitments for your Hogwarts crew. The first person you invite to sit down with you will automatically become your best friend – so say the laws of the Hogwarts Express – just make sure you don't invite squirrellesque know-it-alls or someone looking for a toad as your first guests.

Now enjoy your ride to Hogwarts, don't forget to change before you get there (your robes are in your trunk) and good luck choosing a suitable best friend…oh and don't stick your head out of the windows – tunnels come out of nowhere on this line.

Upon arriving at Hogwarts you will be instructed to leave your luggage on the train – ensure you hide your sidekick in your trunk before leaving. As a first year you will then be directed towards a small fur covered mountain – no Scotland hasn't been invaded by fake beards that attack mountains – that is Hagrid – Gamekeeper of Hogwarts (and on the weekends he pretends to be Robbie Coultrane). He will lead you to the boats that will take you across the lake to Hogwarts – however if you are deathly afraid of water – you can always just take the path marked "shortcut to Hogwarts".

After taking the shortcut (boats are so overrated) be sure to hide behind the rather large bush (making sure that it is not the Whomping Willow) and join the back of the procession of students as they walk towards the castle. Watch out for the Scottish Hag (aka McGonagall) and good luck with the sorting.

For those of you doomed to suffer a penance for an act of wanton thievery shall begin to feel the need to run around with your arms covered with your newly sprouted feathers, pretending to be an aeroplane and at five second intervals to stand on your head with a slight flush and three foot hair on your feet chanting 'It's a small world after all'.