Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

An: Now edited, thanks to Rhee for beta reading!

Summary: He loved her smile, he loved her, but she was never allowed to find out about it

Warning: OOC

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Sara Sidle Smiled

When Sara Sidle smiled it sent showers of sensations through his body, when Sara smiled he forgot about everything else around him, he forgot about the world, forgot about his doubts and fears. When Sara smiled at him he was the happiest man on earth, never forgetting though, that he had to hide this happiness, that he could never be with her.

And now Sara didn't smile anymore. And Grissom didn't know what was worse, the pain that he had always felt when he had to tell himself that he could never be with her, that he had to forget about her, that he would never be able to show his feelings to her, that he would never be able to smile like this at her - because he just couldn't let her know what he felt, how much he felt for her, that these feelings were more than love, incredible, beyond anything that the human mind could imagine. She wouldn't be able to understand it, he himself couldn't understand it, and he had felt feelings like attraction to women, sexual desire and even maybe love before, but it had never been like this. He loved her so much that it hurt sometimes, even when he did not remind himself that he could never be with her, he couldn't even describe it to himself. He didn't understand it.

Or was it worse that she didn't smile anymore? Had she only stopped smiling at him or smiling when he was around? Or had she really stopped smiling completely? He didn't want her to feel sad, to feel anything else but happy and that was why he couldn't be with her. He would never be able to make Sara happy, a woman like Sara who was so much more than just a woman. So much more than just a woman who he desired, admired and felt attracted to.

So much more special, so much more beautiful, so much more amicable, so much more than anything else and he loved her so much more.

He had these fantasies of her and him, they were together, were together and she was happy, he was happy, they were happy together, together. He lay on the sofa and watched TV, she lay next to him, her head on his chest, her arms wrapped around him, from time to time they shared soft kisses, from time to time they kissed with passion, his hands never let go off hers and she smiled.

Sometimes when he walked home from work he made a detour, walking through the park, in the early morning hours this place was probably the only place that ever slept in this city and he imagined him and her walking there, together, holding hands, sometimes his arm lay around her waist, sometimes they stopped, kissing softly or just holding each other in their arms, it depended on his daily mood, sometimes he needed to be held, he imagined she would hold him, he imagined she would comfort him and then they would laugh, he loved it when she laughed - almost as much as when she smiled - when she smiled it made his heart beat louder, harder, it made the butterflies in his stomach fly, fly and fly and they wouldn't stop flying for hours.

But he could never make her happy, could never give her what she needed, even if she thought that she might need something else. She needed someone who could really be there for her, someone who was like her and not like him. He wasn't the happy kind of person, he wasn't as enthusiastic as her, couldn't feel as much as she could.

He only felt something when she was around, felt so much when she smiled.

But Sara hadn't smiled for a long time, she hadn't even faked a smile, not even that. In his dreams she was still smiling, but it wasn't the same.

When she had smiled there had always been this light in her eyes, it was a special smile, it showed so much happiness, so many emotions that he just couldn't count, that he couldn't name.

His life wasn't the same without her smile, it was the only thing he had always been able to cling to, and it had been the only thing they would ever be able to share! Smiles.

And then one day Gil Grissom realized why Sara wasn't smiling anymore. And he realized that he was the only one who could make her smile again…

Something made Grissom realize that he could indeed be as happy as Sara.

And then one day Sara smiled again, one day they lay together on his sofa, one day they walked through the park together, stopping to share kisses, stopping to hold each other and they were happy, together.

Sara had taught him how to feel, how to show feelings and she had taught him how to smile.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE END