Chapter 18: Make the Pain Go Away

Lucas found himself walking to the river court. He had in his IPod and was listening to "Black and Blue" by Counting Crows. Secretly to nobody's knowledge he had written two suicide notes and addressed them. One of them was for Peyton and one was for Haley and Nathan. He wasn't sure if he'd ever need them, but he knew that if he did decide to kill himself it would be in a moment of extreme pain in which he wouldn't be able to write a note. Each night he picked them up from his night stand and held them. He would just run his finger along the address, tears streaming down his face, hoping that it wouldn't come to that. He was almost certain he wouldn't because he couldn't do that to Peyton. Not after he'd seen how desperate she had looked when he had been in the hospital.

When he reached the court he went and sat down on the bench. His insides physically hurt from the pain he was feeling. Falling to his knees he began to sob. His sobs were so forceful that he was hunched over clutching his stomach in agony. He sobbed for his mother and for himself. Why did this happen to him? He'd lost his mother, and he'd lost Keith. He couldn't take anymore loss or he knew he wouldn't make it. Once the tears stopped and he could no longer cry anymore he lied down on the court and curled up into the fetal position. He wondered if things would ever get better or if that was only false hope.

Haley was out taking a walk when she saw a figure lying on the court. She realized that it was Lucas and could see his red, blotchy face. She walked over to him and kneeled beside him. "Lucas, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You've been crying. Talk to me Lucas," Haley pleaded.

"No. Just go away. Please just leave me alone."

"I won't do that Lucas."

"Leave!" Lucas shouted at her harshly. "Just leave me the hell alone, all of you." Haley could see the fury in his eyes and knew that it was no use fighting him. With one look back she sadly walked away from him.

Nathan was sitting on the couch watching TV when Haley got home. He saw the distraught look on her face. "What happened," he asked turning off the television.

"I found Lucas curled up on the river court. He'd been crying. He yelled at me to get away." Tears were forming in Haley's eyes.

"That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm going to go talk to Dan and see if he'll help me snap some sense into Keith. This has gone too far. He needs to stand up and be a man."

Nathan reached the doorway of his old house and knocked on the door. Dan opened it. "We need to talk." Dan opened the door and Nathan entered.

"What's going on?" For once Dan actually seemed to mean what he was asking.

"Keith. I'm fed up with him and what he's doing to Lucas. He sits there all day drinking while his nephew is nearly killing himself because he's so emotionally scarred. I'm tired of it and he needs to stand up and be a man. There's no excuse for what he's doing to Lucas."

"You're right." Nathan's mouth dropped. Had he just heard him correctly? Was his father actually agreeing with him?

"We'll go now." Dan went and grabbed his keys.

Pulling up to Lucas' house the two got out. The door was unlocked so they didn't even bother knocking. As suspected Keith was sitting in the chair passed out, no doubt drunk. "Get up," Dan said coldly hitting Keith's arm. Keith was startled from his sleep.

"What do you want," Keith said bitterly.

"I want you to stop sitting around on your ass and making Lucas feel responsible for his mother's death."

"He might as well be," Keith said. Dan immediately took a swing at Keith hitting him in the face. Keith grabbed his mouth and pulled his hand back. There was blood on it. "What the hell was that for?"

"That's for you being an ass and turning into somewhere Karen would be disgusted with!" At that Keith stood up and took a swing at Dan, but he stumbled and fell to the ground. "Look at you. You're so drunk you can't even stand. You're pathetic."

"What the hell am I supposed to? I just lost the love of my life," Keith said looking like he might breakdown right there.

"What are you supposed to do? You're supposed to move on with your like Karen would want you to. You're supposed to get off your god damn ass and be there for Lucas. You're supposed to be strong for him. Do you even know what's going on with him? I'll tell you. He ended up in the hospital because he cut his wrist. He took pills to feel numb and he's lost over 20lbs. Have you even seen him lately? He looks ill." Keith looked stunned back this. Had he really not noticed all of this going on with his nephew? "So you know what Keith, get up, be a man and take care of your nephew." With that Dan turned away and walked out the door with Nathan following him. While they were in the car Nathan looked at his father.

"Thank you." Dan looked at his son. "What you did back there. Thank you." Dan didn't say anything, but Nathan knew he had heard him.

Keith stood up and walked over to Lucas' room. His door was closed so he quietly opened it. Lucas was lying on top of his covers asleep. Keith quietly walked over to him. Dan was right. Without him even noticing Lucas had been disappearing before his very eyes. The boy clearly had lost a lot of weight and with his shirt off you could see some of his ribs. There were deep bags under his eyes and he was so pale he honestly did look ill. If he was walking around he could easily be mistaken for someone with a terminal illness. Keith looked sadly at his nephew and had to turn away. A tear, the first one he had shed in weeks, rolled down his cheek. He had to turn away feeling the guilt overwhelm him. He'd ignored Luke, blaming him for his fiancés death. He had done this. His words had caused Lucas to go into this downward spiral. At that moment Keith knew that he would have to stand up and help his nephew. He had to make things right.

Peyton was in her bedroom sketching with her webcam on. Her drawing showed Lucas standing at the river court with the ball a little bit away from his feet. Peyton had captured the lost look on his face. Peyton stood in the background of the picture behind the picnic bench looking on. She was looking at Lucas, a sad look on her face, as though she had lost him. Setting the drawing aside she sat staring ahead lost in her own mind. A knock on the door startled Peyton from her daze.

Peyton answered the door to find Brooke. Brooke stepped in immediately embracing Peyton in a hug while shutting the door with her foot. The embrace was too much for Peyton and she began to cry. She cried for nearly five minutes before stepping away from Brooke. "Sorry, I got your shirt wet. Look at me crying all over the place."

"You needed to Peyton. I saw you on your webcam and you were trying to pretend everything was okay just like always. It's okay to admit you need help. What's going on?" Peyton sat down and began to tell Brooke everything that had been going on with Lucas in the past few weeks.

Peyton ended her story with a sigh. Getting everything off of her chest felt like having a huge weight taken off of her. "I know you're worried about him Peyt, we all are, but he's going to be okay. And you know why?" Peyton just shook her head like a small child, "Because he has you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to him and even through all of this he knows that."

"Thank you Brooke," Peyton said hugging her friend.

Lucas rolled over and looked at his alarm clock. It was 5:30. I must have been tired. He slowly got up and went in search of water. His mouth always became dry when he took the pills. He had convinced himself that he didn't need the pills he was only using them to get rid of the pain. Someone deep in his mind he knew that even when he did feel better he'd still want the pills, but he would never admit that to himself. What he saw upon walking into the kitchen made him freeze. He blinked his eyes a couple times to make sure he was actually awake and this was happening. Keith was actually up and in the kitchen making dinner. Lucas slowly walked to the table and sat down. Keith must have heard him pull out the chair because he turned around and faced Lucas.

"You've lost some weight. I thought you might like a home-cooked meal," Keith said as though the past month hadn't occurred.

"Um…sure, that sounds good." Lucas just sat there baffled after Keith turned back around to stir what smelled like spaghetti sauce. They both remained quiet while Keith finished the dinner and set Lucas' plate in front of him, taking a seat across from Luke. "Thanks." For a few minutes they both just sat and ate their food.

Finally Keith interrupted the silence. "Listen. Uh, I know I said some things awhile back that I shouldn't have said. It's not your fault Luke. I just want you to know that. Your mom wanted to be at your game. She was so proud of you for playing despite Dan and everything else. It might as well be my fault."

"What do you mean?"

"I was supposed to drive with her that night, but I got caught up fixing someone's car. We could blame this on so many things. We could blame it on the person who went early and hit her. It's terrible, it's tragic but blaming people only makes it worse. And, well I'm sorry for blaming you." Both Lucas and Keith were trying to stay strong, but both were tearing up remembering Karen, both as a mother and a lover.

"It's okay. I blame myself too."

"Lucas, don't. It's not your fault. Get that through your mind because it's true. By sitting around blaming yourself you're only hurting your mom. She'd want you to fulfill your dreams and keep fighting." Lucas just nodded his head. "Look at me Lucas." Lucas looked up. "Tell me it's not your fault."

"It's not my fault." He said the words, but he didn't believe them, at least not entirely. "May I be excused?" Keith nodded his head. Lucas walked into his bedroom and grabbed his phone.

"Hey," Nathan answered.

"Hey man, what's going on?"

"Not too much. You sound like you're in a good mood."

"I am," Lucas said, "which is why I want to take advantage of this good mood and do something fun."

"Definitely, I'm having a party at my beach house later if you want to come."

"Yea, I'll be there. I'll see you then."

"Yea see you later."

That evening Lucas headed over to Nathan's beach house. Peyton walked in behind Lucas and decided that she would watch out for him tonight. "Hey man," Nathan said going up and giving Lucas a brotherly hug, "How's it going?"

"Good."

"Alright, well I'm gonna go find Haley. She's wandering around here somewhere." With that Nathan walked away and Lucas made his way to the kitchen to fix himself a drink. He went to the counter and immediately filled a cup nearly halfway with vodka before adding soda to it. Taking a drink he winced at the strong taste of the liquor burning his 

throat. Looking around he saw that no one was watching and grabbed his bag of pills from his pocket. He took one out and looking around one last time popped it in his mouth and downed it with some of his drink. Between the strong drink and the pill he knew that soon he would escape from the world once again. He would feel numb tonight. Taking his drink he went back into the family room and took a seat on the couch. Brooke sat down next to him.

"Hey Luke, how are you doing?" Remember to smile.

"Things are going great. I'm really glad to have such great friends."

"I'm glad to hear that," Brooke said while looking at Luke for any signs that he was lying. He didn't seem to be lying but then again she'd learned better than to trust him completely anymore. "Alright, well I'm gonna go find Peyton. I'll talk to you later though." She got up and looked around for Peyton. She found him talking to some guy she didn't recognize. "Hey P. Sawyer."

"Hey Brooke," Peyton said and hugged her friend. "Have you seen Lucas?"

"Yea, he's over there on the couch. I just talked to him."

"Oh, okay. Well I'm going to go use the bathroom."

About an hour after being there Lucas was sitting on the couch feeling very out of it. Even his vision was getting blurry. He hardly noticed that Peyton had sat down next to him. "Hey Lucas, how are you?"

"I'm great. Things are going really great Peytin," Lucas slurred.

"How much have you had to drink tonight?"

"Oh you know, just a feew of these things. I don't really remeber what it is."

"Okay, well I think we need to get you home," Peyton stood up and pulled Lucas up and he stumbled.

"I'm not ready to go home."

"Well you need to go," she said grabbing his arm. Lucas pulled away forcefully and stumbled backwards. "Lucas, come on you need to go home. You've had way too much to drink. Your mom wouldn't want to see you like this."

"Well she can't see me like this now can she!?" It was getting very difficult to form words at this point.

"Lucas you know that's not true. You're mom's looking out for you."

"No Peyton she's not. My mom is dead and it's my fault so just shut up already!"

"Don't say that Lucas. It's not your fault and you have to stop thinking that."

Lucas was practically shouting by this point. "No it is. If it hadn't been for me making her feel guilty for not making it to my stupid game! If I hadn't made her come then she wouldn't have been rushing. She wouldn't have tried to make that yellow light and she wouldn't have gotten hit by that drunk driver. It is my fault Peyton! Because I was too fucking selfish!! I just HAD to have her at that stupid game!!"

"Lucas it is not your fault. You're mom wanted to be there. She wanted to see you play."

"NO, it is my fault. It's my stupid fault!"

"No, look at me Lucas, tell me it's not your fault."

"I can't," he said walking out, "I can't." With that he quickly walked out of the party. He got outside and began running, but his vision as blurry and he couldn't get his legs to cooperate. His legs gave out on him after a block and he 

remained sitting in the yard. Standing up he dragged himself to the bushes and laid down knowing he couldn't make it home. Letting the darkness take him over, he passed out right there.

Wait for everyone to go away
And in a dimly lit
room where you've got nothing to hide
Say your goodbyes
Tell yourself we'll read
a note that says
I'm sorry everyone
I'm tired of feeling nothing goodbye