SCENE: Niles' and Daphne's apartment. It's obviously still the Montana,
but has been redone to a more feminine and modern taste. Nothing frilly,
just more fabric and fewer antiques.

The living room. Sixteen years after SBSB, late afternoon, a weekend day.

[DAPHNE is curled up on the stuffed sofa (gone is the fainting couch)
reading a book. You can tell she's older, but is much the same,
still lean and pretty. A tall 13 year old girl comes running noisily
down the stairs. She is lanky and has straight blonde hair and blue eyes,
and she speaks with an American accent. She is carrying a photograph.]

HESS: Mom! Look what I just found!

DAPHNE: Hess, could you try just once to come down those stairs
without making a racket?

HESS: Sorry . . .

DAPHNE: [Putting the book down] Well, what have you got there, then?

HESS: [Handing DAPHNE the picture] I found it in that big old box of
pictures in the study. Mom, I've seen pictures of your wedding,
you weren't wearing a dress like that.

DAPHNE: [Looking at it with surprise] Oh, my God. I had no idea there
were any pictures of this!

NILES: [Enters from the kitchen carrying 2 glasses of sherry.
Hands one to DAPHNE. Thinner hair, but he has also aged well]
Pictures of what?

[DAPHNE hands it to him. He smiles. HESS is leaning over the back
of the couch, looking from one to the other]

NILES: Ahhh . . .

DAPHNE: You must have kept this, because I certainly wouldn't have.
Why?

NILES: I liked it. I still do.

DAPHNE: A picture of me in a dress I wore when I almost
married another man?

NILES: [Sitting next to her and taking a sip of sherry]
Yes, but it's the "almost" part that's key. [Puts his arm around her]

HESS: Whoa, you guys. Back up. Mom, you mean you almost married
someone other than Dad?

DAPHNE: We never told you that story? I can't believe no one
in the family has ever mentioned it.

HESS: [Coming around to sit in a chair] Please, Mom, are you kidding?
I would have remembered that! OK, both of you, spill!

NILES: [To DAPHNE ] Shall we?

DAPHNE: Why not? The "G" rated version.

NILES: Is there one?

DAPHNE: [Grinning] Niles!

HESS: Man, you guys are a trip! Come on, I'm dying to hear it.
Come to think of it, I never heard you talk about how you met each other
or anything. So give!

NILES: [Small smile] Well, it will sound a little far-fetched,
you might not believe it. Then again, knowing your old man,
maybe you will.

[STEPHEN comes downstairs tossing a basketball. He is 9 years old,
same hair as his sister, with brown eyes and is a bit of a bruiser,
quite un-Niles like.]

STEPHEN: What's going on?

HESS: Mom and Dad are talking about how they got together.
Pull up a chair, this should be good.

STEPHEN: Waaaait a minute. Is this going to be mushy?

NILES: Definitely.

STEPHEN: Ewww!

NILES: Oh, joy. Our son has picked up Roz' favorite expression.

[DAPHNE laughs]

HESS: Oh, grow up, Steve, this is big news. She almost married
another man!

STEPHEN: Wow, really? [Sits in a chair on the other side]

DAPHNE: OK, you two, let me start. [HESS leans in, DAPHNE takes
a deep breath.] I met your father a couple of days after
I took the therapist job at your uncle's and grandfather's place.
You guys knew I worked there, right? [They nod] Well, as I recall,
your dad did sort of a double take when we were introduced.

NILES: I had no idea that my brother had hired someone so . . .
[Focused on DAPHNE] so beautiful.

[HESS smiles, she's getting into this]

DAPHNE: It was my first real job in the states and it was
very comfortable. I liked your grandfather right away.
Took a bit longer to warm up to your uncle . . .

HESS: [Impatient] Mom, we're talking about you and Dad here!

DAPHNE: OK,OK, I'll get there. [To NILES] Hopelessly romantic at this age. Anyway, back then, I didn't think much about your dad one way
or the other. For one thing, he was married to his first wife.
The Cranes had their own lives and I had mine. When I wasn't working
I had my own social life, my girlfriends, the occasional boyfriend.
[Acting a little lost in thought] In fact, there was this one guy . . .

NILES: Daphne!

DAPHNE: Oh, come on, you silly sod, I'm teasing.

NILES: You! Let me take this part. I . . .I can't say I fell in love
with your mother right away, I mean, I was married and
thought I loved my wife. But I did quickly develop quite the crush
on your mom. Everyone but she could tell. I often completely
lost all composure when she was in the room. Quite simply,
she drove me nuts.

[HESS has her chin in her hands and is smiling]

STEPHEN: Boy, Dad, I bet you were one heck of a goofball!

[DAPHNE laughs]

NILES: That would be one way of putting it, thank you, son.
Anyway, it went on this way for, well, years. I would drop by
your uncle's apartment just to see Mom. I loved being near her,
she was so lovely and sweet. Then, after some time, my marriage failed
and my wife and I started divorce proceedings. By this time
I knew I was in love with your mother but I never seemed to be able
to tell her. Always bad timing. And by then we had become good friends,
and I didn't want to risk losing that.

DAPHNE: I did love your father, too, then, as a friend.
He was always so nice to me, always listened to my problems . . .

HESS: You didn't even consider him as a possible boyfriend?

DAPHNE: Well, now, honey, there was the class thing.

HESS: Class thing?

DAPHNE: We don't have as much of an issue with things like that here,
but it's very strong in England. I grew up with it. I saw myself
as a sort of, well, servant to the family. I didn't even fancy
a thought that your dad might be interested in me.

STEPHEN: Did they treat you like a servant, Mom?

DAPHNE: No, dear, not at all, we were all very good friends,
and they were very dear. Well, except when your uncle was feeling testy,
which, now that I think about it, happened a lot.
[NILES laughs] But he was testy with everyone, not just me.

HESS: Go on, go on . . .

NILES: Young lady, have some patience.

DAPHNE: Oh, yes, you'll know all about patience when we get to the end.

NILES: [To DAPHNE] May I? [She nods] Once my divorce proceedings started
I tried on several occasions to ask your mom on a date. And I'd always
chicken out. And one day she said something about never getting involved
with a man going through a divorce, so I decided to wait until
mine was final. But by that time . .

DAPHNE: I had started dating his divorce lawyer.

HESS: Wow! Dad, you must have been a wreck!

NILES: Well, yeah, you could say that.

HESS: Mom, did you love the guy?

DAPHNE: I thought I did. But looking back I think I was just responding
to a nice man who fancied me. And when he asked me to marry him
I figured it was my last chance. I really wanted to get married
and have a family. And I wasn't exactly a kid, you know.

STEPHEN: Dad, what did you do?

NILES: [Sighing] Suffered.

DAPHNE: [To NILES] You know, I still feel badly about that.

NILES: Oh, come on, honey, we've been over this. It wasn't your fault.

HESS: So then what happened?

DAPHNE: Well, I got on with my wedding plans. And your dad started
dating a woman, a plastic surgeon. None of us liked her . . .
she was pushy and . . .

NILES: [With a warning look to DAPHNE, as in "don't go there"]
I felt I had to get over your mother and get on with my life.

HESS: [Dreamily] But you just couldn't!

DAPHNE: [Laughing] You've been reading too many romance novels, my girl.

NILES: Hey, give her a break, she's right.

DAPHNE: Anyway, everyone but me knew about your dad's thing for me.
He kept it secret, they all did. But I found out about it about
6 months before I was supposed to be married.

STEPHEN: How?

NILES: [Like a Cheshire cat] Your Uncle Frasier told her.

HESS: Oh, man! Really?

DAPHNE: The funny part is that he didn't know what he was saying.
He had hurt his back, you see, and was taking pain pills that
made him woozy and, well, a bit loose in the tongue, shall we say.
I was giving him a massage to help his back and he blurted out that
Niles was crazy about me.

HESS: You must have been pretty surprised, Mom.

DAPHNE: Try shocked, darling.

STEPHEN: Did you say anything to Dad?

DAPHNE: God, no, I couldn't! Your grandfather had let it slip that
it had been going on for 6 years, at that time. I felt very strange
about it all. At first I tried to just let it go, but, . . .
that became increasingly difficult as the months went on.

HESS: [Now completely enchanted] You were falling for him!

DAPHNE: Guess I'm not the only psychic in the family.
[STEPHEN rolls his eyes, NILES laughs] I started seeing him . . .
well, in a new way, as an attractive man. Only by that time he was
courting his new girlfriend [NILES puts his head in his hand]
and had stopped paying me much attention.

STEPHEN: This keeps getting weirder.

HESS: Quiet, let her finish!

DAPHNE: I got more and more confused by what I was feeling, and by
the week before the wedding I was a nervous wreck. I had to talk
to someone, and I decided that the best person would be your
Uncle Frasier. I told him I thought I was in love with your dad.
Your uncle was so sympathetic. He suggested I talk to your father,
tell him how I felt . . .

NILES: And she was going to tell me when I came back from a trip . . .
with Mel . . that was the lady's name . . .having [hating the memory]
eloped with her.

HESS: [Indignant] You just up and married her?

NILES: I'm not saying it was my shining hour.

HESS: Well, DUH!

DAPHNE: Hush up, Hess!

NILES: I realized afterward that I was trying to . . .actually,
pretending to get over your mom.

DAPHNE: And I convinced myself that I had just been going through
jitters about the wedding.

HESS: This is so cool! My own parents! It's like a soap opera!

NILES: No, sweetheart, no one would write a storyline like this.

DAPHNE: [Laughing] Who would believe it?

HESS: OK, OK, the wedding . . .

DAPHNE: We all went off to a country inn where it was to be held.
Your uncle was concerned for me, but I assured him I was fine and
happy with my fiancé. We had the rehearsal dinner and were all
gathered in the cocktail lounge for dancing.

NILES: And I asked your mom to dance . . .sort of a farewell.

HESS: [Swooning] Oh, how tragic!

DAPHNE: To be thirteen again!

STEPHEN: Aw, cheez!

NILES: Brace yourself, son, it gets worse. Anyway, what we were feeling
for each other was obvious, at least to your uncle. He was watching us
on the dance floor, and saw how we looked at each other.
He dragged me up to his hotel room and told me that your mom
knew I loved her, and that she'd told him she felt the same for me.

HESS: All right, Uncle Frasier!

NILES: Well, after some major hyperventilating [DAPHNE chuckles]
I decided to give it one last shot. I took Mom aside and told her
what I'd just learned and that I loved her.

HESS: AND?

DAPHNE: AND . . .I rejected him.

HESS: WHAT?

DAPHNE: I said I loved him, too, but I felt obligated to go ahead
with the wedding. I had promised the man, and . . .

HESS: Mom, no one has to marry a person just because you said you would.

DAPHNE: [Sarcastic but amused] Thank you, Doctor Crane.

STEPHEN: Dad, you must have been pretty sad by then.

NILES: Oh, yeah. Major understatement. The next day I got dressed for the wedding but I just couldn't attend. I hid in your grandpa's Winnebago.

DAPHNE: And I got dressed in . . .that [indicating the picture,
now on the coffee table] and started down for the ceremony.
But I was feeling absolutely miserable, too, which was duly noted
by the little flower girl. Then I just bolted. I saw your uncle and
grandfather come out of the camper. I figured your dad must be in there.

NILES: I was sitting in the driver's seat alone when
I heard a knock on the door.

HESS: Mom!

DAPHNE: Didn't I ask you for a date?

NILES: You asked if I was free for a date, and while that
wasn't technically true, I had to leap at the chance. Then she told me
to start driving. She said, to be exact, "Let's get this
bloody boat moving!"

[Both kids laugh]

DAPHNE: I just wanted to get out of there.

STEPHEN: So you guys ran away?

NILES: Well, not quite. After some discussion we decided to go back
and face everyone.

HESS: Man, your wife and that guy must have blown a gasket!

NILES: [To DAPHNE] What did she say?

DAPHNE: [To NILES ] It's a car metaphor, dear. Yes, they were
pretty upset. But things resolved themselves over time.
Your dad got a divorce . . .

NILES: After major hassles from Mel . . .

DAPHNE: And now we're here, and we have you two, and it all worked out.
See?

STEPHEN: Did you get married right away?

DAPHNE: No, son, we took it slowly. Dated for a while . . .

HESS: You went on dates after all that? Like you'd just met?

NILES: Well, honey, we wanted to do things properly. A lesson for you
in the future, I hope.

DAPHNE: When the time was right, your dad proposed to me and we had
the elegant but simple wedding you've seen in the pictures.

NILES: Yeah, Frasier saw to the "elegant" part.

STEPHEN:I can't imagine getting married. To a girl! Ugh.
[Makes a face at his sister, who returns it]

HESS: Wait 'til you grow up, you little twit. You'll probably find
some girl you like and fall all over her! [Acting] Oh, my sweetheart
. . .oh, my darling . . .

STEPHEN: Put a sock in it!

DAPHNE: Hey, you two, hush up! Hess, please take that picture
back where you found it.

HESS: Right, Mom. Um, do you mind if I tell this story to my friends?

DAPHNE: [Looking at Niles] Do you?

NILES: No, not at all. But I hardly think they'd be interested
in the history of your old parents.

HESS: Are you serious? They'll go nuts! It's the most beautiful
love story ever! [Runs upstairs]

DAPHNE: Stephen, weren't you going to shoot some baskets with
Tom next door?

STEPHEN: Oh, yeah. Got distracted. See ya!
[Runs toward the front door with the basketball]

DAPHNE: Back by 6!

STEPHEN: OK! [Exits, slamming the door]

NILES: [Looking after him] Are you sure you weren't fooling around
with someone else when you got pregnant with him?

DAPHNE: Nope. All yours. Must skip a generation. [They lean back,
his arm still around her shoulder] We've been pretty lucky, haven't we?

NILES: That we have.

[HESS has started back downstairs, but, hearing them, crouches down to eavesdrop]

DAPHNE: Niles, you haven't told me why you kept that picture.

NILES: Well, you may have been dressed to marry another man.
But that was the first vision I got of you when you changed your mind
and came back to me. It's an image I'll never forget.
I still love you just as much as I did then.

DAPHNE: Me, too. [Looks at him sexily, runs a finger down his cheek]
Well, now. You'd better go pick out a jacket and tie.

NILES: And the reason for that would be?

DAPHNE: You're taking me out for a leisurely dinner tonight.

NILES: Are you asking me on a date?

DAPHNE:I am. Retelling that story has made me feel . . . quite romantic.

NILES: [Sitting forward] You are on! Where would you like to go?
London, Paris . .

DAPHNE: Someplace more local, I would think.

NILES: I've got it! Au Pied du Cochon!

DAPHNE: Lovely. We'll let the kids order pizza, and Hess can look
after Stephen.

NILES: Perfect. [Takes her chin in hand and kisses her]
And then wait 'til I get you home.

HESS: [From where she has been watching, whispering] Way to go Dad!

[NILES and DAPHNE turn around, hearing something.
HESS bolts up the stairs, a little too noisily. They turn around
and shake their heads]