"Flight 277 now descending into Port Charles Airport. Please fasten your seatbelts, and thank you for flying with us. For passengers going to Toronto, please stay in your seats, as we will only be refueling, and will be on our way shortly."
I sighed. This was it. Back to reality. Not that I had had any real escape. For months now I had been living in my day-to-day, without any type of break. Now I had to go back and look at the ruins of my marriage, asses the damage, and explain to everyone what had happened between Nikolas and I.
I wanted to curl up in a hole and die.
"Look, I know that I'm not exactly your favourite person in the world right now, and I know you have more than ample reason to hate me forever-" Jax began quietly beside me.
"It's hardly your fault," I interrupted. And it wasn't. I didn't blame him at all. His bad judgment in Courtney wasn't the reason that my marriage had broken up. I was the reason my marriage was crumbling. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. What were you saying?" My manners and my mind were somewhere else, left in the time before. Before Connor, before the rape, before my heart was smashed into a million pieces.
"This might sound crazy, but why don't you come away with me? I have a house on an Island off the coast of Florida. I usually go there to think, get away from everything. I think you could use a break as well."
I almost laughed. The man whose marriage had been destroyed because of my bad judgment was asking me to go away with him?
"I. . ." I began, unsure of what to say. Could this be revenge? He would get back at Courtney but taking me away? And what did he expect from me in exchange? That we have an affair? Get married? Run away? My mind was racing into the delusional. Jax was a gentleman. At least, I always thought he had been, before this surrogacy mess began. I put my head down in my hands.
He read my mind. "No pressure on this, Emily. I don't expect anything from you. And I completely understand if you say no. But after everything that's happened today, I think that a vacation might do you good."
I looked at him closely. His blue eyes glittered, and told me that he was sincere. And for the first time, I didn't see him as Courtney's husband, or the father of Elizabeth's baby, or the cause of all my problems, or as the guy who beat Nikolas up. I saw him as an ally; he was the only person in the world who knew what I was going through right now. And I knew behind his fairytale wedding and his playboy persona, there was a heart that had been broken and a man who was genuinely hurting.
"Maybe a vacation wouldn't hurt."
JaxI watched Emily as the plane descended. Her eyes were closed, and her head was tilted slightly back, but her body remained rigid. I don't think that I've ever seen anyone so tense before. My first reaction was to put a hand on her shoulder, offer to massage out the knots, but I realized how easily that could be misinterpreted, and quickly dropped the idea.
My heart went out to her. She had tried so hard to keep her marriage together, and had played the part of the perfect wife so well. If this hadn't happened with Nikolas, I would have been convinced that there hadn't been a problem since the day they met. If Courtney had tried- just for a week, even just for a day- like Emily had, maybe this would have never happened at all. She was so upset, and held it all back. I couldn't help but wonder what else she was hiding. No one goes and leaves a woman like Emily for someone else. There had to be something else going on, and I was determined to find out what it was.
I was truly surprised when she said yes. I expected her to hate me, not to treat me so well. Not to listen to what I had to say, or to be patient with me. Emily was an enigma. Despite the blow that she had just taken, I doubt she was thinking about herself. I bet she was just waiting to throw herself into something else- volunteering, helping Elizabeth with the baby, trying to sort out the mess that was the Quartermaines. She needed time by herself, to regroup, to recharge, and to reconsider her options.
After the plane landed, I was immediately on my cell phone, booking a helicopter to take us over to the Island.
"Do you want to go home, get some clothes or something?" I asked her as we waited in the airport's bar.
She shook her head. "I don't want to deal with anyone right now." She looked so, so tired. I finished my scotch and signaled to the bartender for a refill.
"Are you sure you don't want anything to drink?" I thought a drink my relax her, numb her a bit. I realized that if I was drinking alone, I would have to keep myself relatively sober until I was alone.
"No, I'm fine, really. And thank you. . . for doing this. I really didn't know what I was going to do when I got back."
I shook my head. "It's my pleasure. And stay as long as you like."
She nodded. She hesitated, and then finally spoke, with a trace of guilt in her voice. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
I was startled by her question. "Because I know exactly what you're going through right now, and if situations were reversed, I would hope that someone would do the same for me." And you're beautiful echoed in my mind. I quickly pushed it away.
"But it's my fault that your marriage is in trouble."
Her words shocked me. This explained the guilt, and why she was wound so tight. She blamed herself. Suddenly I felt almost brotherly towards her.
"Emily, none of this is your fault."
She didn't raise her face towards me, but I could have sworn that I saw her blinking back tears. Her voice wavered. "I just wish I could believe that."
NikolasMy mind was reeling, screaming, cursing what had just happened. I couldn't believe that Emily had walked out, walked away from me, from our marriage. After everything, she was walking away. How could I have done something so risky, so stupid, so irrational? How could I have hurt Emily so badly?
But my mind was drowned out by something stronger, monumental that was happening inside of me. I felt like a junkie getting a fix when I kissed Courtney. Not out of attraction or desire, but out of a need, a driving force bigger than both of us. Her touch burned my skin, and I hoped that it would leave marks, permanent reminders of my betrayal.
I don't know what to call what we did. It wasn't sex, it was so much more and so much less at the same time. It didn't make any sense. Sex implies voluntary, and it didn't feel like I had any choice in the matter at all. I assume that Courtney felt the same way. I couldn't call it making love either, because there was no love involved. I don't think there was even emotion in it. It was hard, rough, but so completely empty and flat at the same time.
When we were finished, neither of us said anything. We moved apart, until each of us were at complete opposite ends of the bed, making sure nothing was touching. My skin felt raw and slimy. Silently, I opened the mini-bar, which in this room wasn't mini by any means, and pulled out a bottle of vodka. I filled the crystal drinking glasses to the brim, and handed one to Courtney. She had pulled her dress back on, however she made no motion to leave. She coughed with her first sip, but didn't pull the glass back until it was finished. Her face was flushed and she looked like she was about to gag, but motioned her glass to me. I filled both hers and mine, which had emptied just as quickly.
We were halfway though the second bottle when she finally spoke.
"I just ruined my third marriage." Her voice was cryptic and stone cold. "Keep the vodka coming, Nikolas. I have nothing left to loose."
CourtneyI had no way of knowing what had just happened.
I remembered Nikolas being hit, and Jax and Emily leaving. I remembered kissing Nikolas, and his being on top of me. And now here I was, naked and disoriented, feeling guilty as hell. Nikolas was beside me, but it felt like we were miles apart. I wanted to cut myself out of my skin, and crawl away, and start over again. I couldn't handle being myself anymore. The reality of what I had done was bigger than me, bigger than either of us, bigger than this world. I felt sick to my stomach, the gravity of the situation rising in the back of my throat.
I don't think that I had been a participant in cheating on Jax. It just happened, and I had no say in the matter. All I could think was this is so wrong, or the word stop would echo in my head, louder and louder, but I couldn't seem to make my mouth form the words. My body had not only cheated on Jax, it had cheated on me as well, when it wouldn't stop what it was doing, despite the best of my abilities.
Nikolas stirred beside me, and finally dragged himself out of the bed. I groped the floor until I found my dress, and pulled the material over my head. It scratched my skin. Nikolas handed me a tall glass of some liquor, and I took a gulp.
I sputtered. It was vodka, and I had sworn it off after my first experience drinking, but I needed the comfort that it brought. I didn't put the glass down until I had finished it, and I motioned to Nikolas for more.
What had happened wasn't rape. I made that distinction in my mind. I believe that I wanted it just as badly as he did, but that isn't saying much. I don't think either of us wanted to cheat on our significant others, but it happened. We had been unwilling participants, the victims of a cruel fate.
But I had done it. I had sealed my fate. And when I kissed Nikolas, I had effectively sealed my own fate.
I couldn't have kids. I couldn't keep a marriage alive. For God's sake, I had broken up another marriage. What was left for me?
Luckily, I didn't have to think about it much longer. On my third or fourth glass, the glass got so heavy that I couldn't hold it any longer. I tried to set it down, but I think I missed the bedside table, since I heard glass breaking on the floor. I went to pick it up, but I felt too tired. As I closed my eyes, I tried to mutter something to Nikolas about the broken glass. But all I could come up with was, "oops."