Kisame and Itachi's Semi-Excellent Adventures
Author: Qaddafi the Ripper
Summary: Join Shark-chan and Weasel-chan in their random, humorous, bloody, and occasionally sexy adventures as they try to cope on the measly salaries provided by Akatsuki.
Disclaimer: I'll get to that sexy part eventually, since I'm not Kishimoto.
Extra Notes: In this chapter, we discover one original character who can't be killed. Dedicated to the Blind Itachi FanClub.

Part 4: Adventures in Optometry! He ain't blind yet, but it's only a matter of time.

Itachi opened the scroll. He frowned slightly and held it farther from his face. He frown deepened minutely and he squinted at the scroll. Before long, he had the scroll as from as he could hold it from himself and even then was still squinting. He was on the verge of activating his Sharingan.

Kisame, watching, frowned, worried. "Itachi-san, is something wrong?" he asked. It occurred to him that he hadn't seen Itachi read anything in some time, maybe as long as a year. Itachi didn't answer him. "Are you having trouble reading the scroll?" Kisame persisted. When Itachi still didn't respond, he walked over and looked at the scroll over his partner's shoulder. It print wasn't particularly small or messy. It very easy to read, but Itachi was still squinting.

Kisame realized what the problem was and made a decision. "Next town we come to, Itachi-san, you need to see an optometrist." Itachi turned his face up to him, his scowl widening slightly. "No complaints," Kisame insisted. "You don't want to become a blind ninja, do you?" Itachi looked away back to the scroll. He was, Kisame thought, pouting ever so slightly.

They reached a large town two days later. Kisame carefully evaluated the town as they entered, and decided it was large enough that it should have an optometrist. A man stood at lazy guard of the gates –proof that this was not a ninja village, since shinobi were never lax about security. Kisame hailed him, "Sir? Could you help direct us? Do you know if there's an optometrist in town?"

The guard frowned at him, his eyes finding the slashed forehead protectors that both ninja wore. "If there's a what?" he asked insolently.

"An optometrist." Kisame paused. "An eye doctor."

"I wouldn't know," the man said. Which was an obvious lie, since he was wearing glasses.

"Please," Kisame said, trying to be patient. "We're not here to cause any trouble, and we don't want to waste time wandering around looking for one."

"I ain't telling any missing-nin scum anything," the man spat.

"Really? Perhaps I can change your mind." Kisame drew a handful of shuriken. Some ten minutes, later he had obtained directions to an optometrist. The directions were a bit vague, granted, but they should be enough to get close and then they might be able to find the place on their own. He was very understanding about the fact that the directions were a bit vague, which was why this town wouldn't need to look into getting a new guard. The current one might just need a few months in the hospital and then a few years of therapy.

He never found out if the directions were good. As they were walking, they just happened to pass a building advertising optometry services. Kisame shrugged; what the hell, one optometrist was as good as another. They entered, and Kisame noted that Itachi seemed to be pouting again, not that anyone other than he would be able to tell. A very attractive young lady was sitting at the front desk. Kisame sauntered up to her, putting on his best shit-eating grin. "Hello, miss," he greeted her. "My friend here needs to see--" he quickly glanced at the sign above the secretary's head "--Tanaka-sensei."

The secretary ruffled through a few of her papers. "When's your appointment?" she asked. She blew a bubble of gum and then snapped it in front of his face.

Kisame missed a beat, then replied, "We don't have an appointment. But it's very important that we see Tanaka-sensei, and we can pay well." That was a blatant lie. "If you can fit us in, I'll make it worth your while." He winked suggestively.

The secretary looked him over, her lips forming into a sneer. Kisame wondered in despair why so many people looked at him like that. "Yeah, right," she sneered. "If you haven't got an appointment, get lost. Or make an appointment; the next opening in three weeks from now." She tapped a pen on a schedule on her desk.

"We can't afford to just hang around here for three weeks," Kisame argued with a frown. "We need to see a doctor now."

"Well, that's just too bad. There are people waiting who do have appointments." The secretary pointed at a few people seated on uncomfortable chairs in the lobby, reading magazines that were at least two months old. Kisame considered the people for a moment, then drew his samehada. Mere seconds later, he had decisive proof that the office's air filter system worked beautifully; he could hardly smell a thing and he was right next to the body! He worried that the doctor might charge more to cover the stains on the chair and carpet.

In shirt order, the doctor himself came out. "Who's next?" he asked the waiting room.

Kisame stood up. "We are," he announced. He gave the other people are pointed look. "Right?" No one objected, so they got to go next. When they reached a smaller room in the back, Kisame pushed Itachi forward. "My friend needs his eyes checked," he told the doctor. "He squints when he reads."

Tanaka-sensei turned to Itachi patiently. "You're having trouble reading?" he asked. Itachi gave Kisame a brief glare but nodded to the question. The doctor walked up the the chart of letters on the wall. "Can you read this for me?"

Itachi squinted. "E," he began with confidence. Those charts always started with E. He squinted harder, the next letter was fuzzy.

"It's tsu," Kisame called out helpfully.

The doctor turned to him with a flinty look. "Your friend here is being examined, not you," he said. "You're not helping."

Kisame took a step back in surprise. "I'm sorry, sensei. I'll be good." He sat in a chair in the corner and folded his hands in his lap, acting like a good little boy. The examination continued for some time, with the doctor pulling out all sorts of devices to help him determine Itachi's problem. It was close to a half hour before he made his conclusion.

"You need reading glasses, young man," he told Itachi. "You're far-sighted. That means you can see things just fine at a distance but have trouble with things that are closer. It's probably why you didn't have problems during a fight." The doctor, clearly, had also noticed that they were missing-nins. The doctor continued, "Your prescription will be ready in an hour. While you wait, the nurse can help you pick out a pair of frames that you like." He swept from the room.

The selection of frames the nurse showed them was impressive. Kisame had never paid much attention to glasses before, and found the variety intriguing. He picked up a sharp pair that was dark with red highlights and put them on Itachi. He considered. "Oh, I think these suit you perfectly, Itachi-san!"

Itachi glanced at him then at his own reflection in a mirror. He was still upset. "Don't pout," Kisame scolded him. "Sensei said the glasses were just for reading. You don't have to wear them all the time. And I think you look good with them on. Like, older and wiser and more sophisticated and smarter..."

"I don't look smart without them?" Itachi asked drily.

Kisame blinked. "I didn't mean that! You look smarter with glasses, not smart." Itachi settled down after that. He tried on a few more pairs, but eventually went with the pair that Kisame liked. When Tanaka-sensei finally came back with the new lenses in the frames, he was frowning.

"My secretary is dead," he stated.

Kisame did not look even remotely guilty. "She had this thing for appointments, which we didn't have," he said. "Does this mean the glasses will cost more?"

"No," Tanaka-sensei said, to his surprise. "She wasn't covered by any insurance or union, so it won't cost me anything. And she was due for a raise soon even though she didn't deserve it. However," and now the look he turned on the two of them was flinty, "if you come back and cause more trouble, I will not stand for it."

"How will you keep us from causing trouble?" Kisame asked, curious. "We're pretty powerful ninjas, and someone like you couldn't stop us."

Tanaka crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm the only optometrist in this village, and perhaps in the whole country, who accents missing ninjas as patients. If you want help in the future, you won't cause problems."

Kisame gapped at him. This was, quite possibly, the first person he'd ever met that he couldn't kill. "We'll be good, sensei," Itachi promised quietly. Kisame nodded silently, and they got out of that place as quickly as possible after paying their bill. If the optometrist could pull something like that, there was no telling what else he might manage!

OC's dead in this chapter: 1, plus one tortured.
Total dead OC's: 4

Notes from previous chapter: someone stated in a review that Tsukuyomi only lasts up to 72 hours, not longer. Yes, it is true that that is how long the technique can be held for, how long Itachi can manipulate time and space. However, the repercussions of the technique can last longer. Recall that Kakashi and Sasuke were in comas for at least a month afterwards.

Next time, Adventures in Home Cooking, in which we get to meet the Hoshigaki family!