Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling, except Aragorn, who belongs to whoever owns the copyrights to Lord of the Rings now and Remus Lupin, whom, for now, belongs to J.K. Rowling, but will belong to me soon… so very soon…. yes, precious….

Songs belong to Andrew Lloyd Webber and Nine Inch Nails.

The Matrix belongs to whoever made it.

The Kit-Kat bar song belongs to I'm tired of writing this disclaimer.

Ideas for the future of the story will still be greatly appreciated!

The first paragraph of this chapter is dedicated to Nikki.

And yes, I am scared of elevators.

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Dennis Creevey was having a mid-life crisis. After 13 years, he had realized that he was not a helicopter, so he had no reason to stick his arms out and run around the Great Hall making buzzing noises. But he did so anyway.

The lazy author skipped giddily down the corridors, the magical purple typewriter zooming along behind her. She flung herself into the Great Hall and sat down at the teacher's table on top of Remus Lupin, who had come back to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts because it makes the author happy.

Harry and Ron faced each other and shook hands, before stepping ten paces apart. The entire Great Hall was silent, but that may have been because the author was wearing ear plugs. Hermione began screaming like a school girl, which, if you think about it, she actually was, as Harry and Ron began their jousting match.

(CUE POORLY INSERTED SCENE FROM THE MATRIX)

Harry jabbed, Ron stabbed, Harry punctured, Ron…. shmunctured.

Before the rest of the story is revealed, the lazy author would like to draw attention to something. Logic had recently won a phone-in competition for a week-long trip to Tahiti for two on a local radio station, and had taken his wife, Physics, along with him.

Harry and Ron's jousting match for Hermione's heart was still going on in the Great Hall, when Sir Cadogan, the annoying painting who had substituted for the Fat Lady (see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, page I can't find the book right now) rode into the great hall and, in one valiant poke, stabbed Harry and Ron through the heart.

The lazy author sighed in annoyance. Being dead was just another reason for Harry to be even more angsty and brooding. The author slammed her face into the mashed potatoes, and looked up in time to see Sir Cadogan ride away with Hermione. And, sure enough, Harry had already headed to the secluded corner and stared out the window with a very grave look on his face, and occasionally shaking in manly sobs.

The author threw her hands in the air and stormed out of the great hall, dragging her magical purple typewriter and Remus Lupin behind her. The author wandered around the castle, wondering where she'd put her two main characters and her surprise guest star.

The author heard faint singing coming from Dumbledore's office, so she decided to check there.

"Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar, the chocolaty taste makes my day and everywhere I go the people say: Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that- break me off a piece of that- break me off a piece of that KIT-KAT BAR!" The author sang to the bird thing that guarded Dumbledore's office.

The author pushed the button for the third floor on the elevator up to Dumbledore's office, and sat curled in a ball on the floor with her face pressed into her knees, breathing very heavily. After a while, she felt the elevator stop, and she looked up, only to find that the doors hadn't opened yet. The lazy author promptly started screaming. Then the doors opened, and the lazy author grabbed the typewriter and Remus Lupin and sped out the doors into the office.

Aragorn, Son of Somebody, King of Something, From Someplace, Who's Family History Dates Back To Sometime, was jumping up and down on Dumbledore's desk, with his hair tied in a French braid and wearing pink pajamas. He was singing a song into a hair brush that, one would think, related to the story in some way, or was written by Green Day. But he wasn't. Because the lazy author doesn't like Green Day all that much. So, he was singing:

Poor fool, he makes me laugh, hahahahaha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah aha hahahahahahhahhaha blah hah ha!

On second thought, he was singing:

There are things I said I would never do

There are fears I cannot believe have come true

For my soul is too sick and it's too little and too late

And myself I have grown to weary to hate

The more I stay in here

The more it's not so clear

The more I type of this song

The more space I can fill

But that would just get boring

So I'm going to stop typing this song

But it's hard because the song is so good

Nine Inch Nails is better than Green Day, deal with it!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

The lazy author walked up to Aragorn and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Aragorn, it is time," said the lazy author.

"For what?" asked Remus as he turned off the music and waved his wand so that Aragorn's clothes returned to normal.

"Um," said the author, "I'm not sure… I've got it! Aragorn, you can use your awesome tracking skills (of doom) to help me find the main characters!"

"Kay," said Aragorn, who was looking a lot manlier covered in chain mail.

"So, Aragorn, where do you suppose we check?" the lazy author asked.

"Mumble grumble bumble shmuble," Aragorn replied, because nobody can understand what Viggo Mortensen is saying, except in that one scene at the end of The Return of the King, which may or may not be totally ripped off in this story.

The lazy author, Remus Lupin, and Aragorn set out from Dumbledore's office, banging coconuts together a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Nothing could distract the trio from their epic quest, except

"GIFT SHOP!" The lazy author cried in glee as she ran over to the booth on one side of the room.

"What can I get for you miss?" asked the person who worked at the gift shop, who will be Gollum because everybody loves Gollum.

"I will take three of those," the author said, pointing to posters of Draco Malfoy, "four of those," the author said, pointing to Sirius Black action figures, "and eighteen thousand of those," the author finished, pointing at 'I Love Remus Lupin' hats.

"No, no, miss! You must not stay at Hogwarts, because history is to repeat itself!" said Gollum, who had just turned into his alter-ego, Dobby.

"But I need them! I need them or I will explode!" cried the lazy author, "How am I to get them if I'm not at Hogwarts?"

"Use the force," said Gollum, who had just turned into his other alter-ego, Yoda.

"No, no, no! Miss cannot use the force, it is too dangerous!" said Dobby.

"Shut up! We are wasting valuable time that we could be using searching for the precious!" snapped Gollum.

Gollum turned slightly to the other direction to respond to himself, as the lazy author quickly stuffed all of the Harry Potter merchandise into her bag and put one of the I Love Remus Lupin hats on her head. Aragorn resumed banging the coconuts together, and the three of them ran down the stairs because the lazy author couldn't handle being in the elevator again.

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Draco and Ginny were having some very severe problems of their own, the first being that they were in Siberia, the second being that Draco had left his hair gel back at the castle.

The two annoyed characters wandered over the icy landscape, seeing nothing but snow.

"Halt, who goes there!" came an annoyingly familiar voice.

"It is I, Sir Draco- No, MUST RESIST THE LAZY AUTHOR'S DESCRIPTIONS- of Hogwarts, and Lady Ginevra, no, that's ugly, Virginia."

"I challenge you to a duel!" the voice replied.

Sir Cadogan rode up to them, Hermione sitting on the side of his horse-shaped snow mobile, reading Hogwarts: A History.

Ginny opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off when ten people dropped from the sky, all in matching orange snow suits.

"You are under arrest for being Illogical," the person at the front of the orange-snow-suited figures said, while handcuffing Sir Cadogan.

"Who are you?" asked Hermione.

"I am Physics, and these are my matching-orange-snow-suited helpers, and my husband, Logic."

Sir Cadogan began grumbling incoherently, but every once in a while the words "meddling kids" and "I'll get you and your little orange-snow-suited Physics police, too!" before he was thrown into the back of a car and driven up into the sky.

"Well that was sufficiently odd," said Ginny.

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Shorter than the others, I know, but I like it.

Reviewness:

ellieo- Thanks again!

claudiastar- You stole my humor. And prove that I'm more Lupinerific? I created the word Lupinerific! You can't get more Lupinerific than Lupinerific. I R MADNESS. Ph34r me.

I lied about the puffins. They will appear eventually!