A/N: This is one of my more recent works (July 2005), and I'm rather fond of it if I don't say so myself. This is an AU Royai 5-chapter short story. I hope you all enjoy it! Please offer your con-crit and whatever else you can think of in your reviews:)

Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, Roy would be wearing a miniskirt 24/7. And he would be in every episode. And he would make out with totally random people at random points in time… And since that's not happening every Monday through Wednesday at 1:30/12:30am, then FMA does not belong to me.

I Saw It on the Bathroom Wall

by crazykitsune17

Chapter One: The Stall

Roy Mustang, a handsome young bureaucrat, was the vice-president of the massive company, WorldSpin International, Central Branch, Department of Human Resources. He was in his early thirties, not married, and had an office the size of one of the smaller Hawaiian Islands. Most of the day, Roy just sat back in his chair, answered the phone when he felt like it, and watched his subordinates scurry around doing the actual work. Roy was a VP; why should he have to do anything so menial when he was almost Lord of the Department of Human Resources?

His bank account was almost the size of his office. Not only could Roy completely carpet the islands of Hawaii in his money, he could buy the entire state as well if he wanted to. He was doing quite well in the business industry for barely thirty-one years old.

Rumors flew around the lower offices that Roy was born with a leprechaun up his butt. Ever since he started his career right out of college at WorldSpin International, he was lucky. Every promotion opportunity that sprang up, Roy jumped on it and almost always received the promotion. It wasn't long before he had climbed up the corporate ladder all the way from the lowest rung to just short of the very top. From lowly peon without a nameplate or a desk with actual drawers to a man of great importance with a gigantic office and a golden-embossed nameplate with his name and title – Roy Mustang, Vice President, WorldSpin International, Central Branch, Department of Human Resources.

Roy had power (he could order his subordinates to get him coffee instead of making coffee for his seniors), money, and lots of underlings at the company who hated his guts. All that was missing was a hot, sexy woman hanging off his arm and gushing about how awesome he was.

Roy missed that particular aspect of his life, too. He had always loved women – what high-ranking corporate official with an embossed nameplate wouldn't? – but he never seemed to be able to get a girlfriend and keep her long enough to get a stable relationship filled with love and hot sex every couple of nights. It was a painful fact that Roy had a hard time understanding.

I'm sexy, I'm cool, I'm rich, what more could the ladies ask for? He posed for himself in front of his ceiling-to-floor wall mirror and admired his good looks. He had perfect skin, easily the best haircut in the entire Department of Human Resources, and a great smile thanks to years of adolescent orthodontics. How can the ladies resist such a sexy beast like me?

He frowned at his mirror. Mirrors don't lie. This mirror was telling the cold, hard truth that he, Roy Mustang, was gorgeous. He sighed and turned away from the mirror, going over to his desk to play with the lettering on his nameplate. He scratched at a reddish stain underneath the "G" in his last name where a few of his smart-assed subordinates decided to squirt ketchup. They had coated his entire office in ketchup as a prank, and, needless to say, Roy was less than pleased. They're just jealous… was his excuse.

The old, crusty ketchup stain still wouldn't come off. Every day Roy picked at the tiny, barely noticeable glob of dried ketchup under the "G", but he was getting nowhere. Precious minutes of pretending to work were wasted while doing that.

Roy glanced at the clock. It was nearly three in the afternoon – time for Roy's daily majestic saunter into the restroom. The bathrooms were just down the hall from his gargantuan office, and he strolled down that strip of hallway like it was a red carpet laid out for him in Hollywood. Usually, the suck-up subordinates would wave and smile and ask, "How are you doing, Mr. Mustang?" and generally kiss as much Royal ass as they could to try and get promoted. The other underlings, the bratty ones with bad attitudes, in Roy's opinion, would just glare and snort in indignation. More jealousy… thought Roy.

Roy wasn't a fan of public bathrooms, but he used them anyway as an excuse to chat with the other restroom inhabitants and employees and brag about himself. Entering the restroom, Roy found, almost in disappointment, that there was no one there.

He pushed open a stall door so he could pee in private instead of for all the world to see at a urinal, and unzipped his pants. It had been a while since he had used a stall; using the stalls when you didn't have to merited a demotion in the ego hierarchy. It had also been a while since Roy remembered how fond of graffiti his staff was.

"Put a star here if you hate Roy Mustang" one scribble said. Underneath it were at least twelve stars. Roy growled under his breath but quickly forgot his anger when he saw another message on the other side of the stall, scrawled in barely legible, tiny, masculine writing.

Call Riza Hawkeye 555-7169 She's hot.

Roy quickly finished emptying his bladder and patted his pockets for a notepad and pen. He found a Bic pen in his right pocket, but he wasn't carrying any paper on him. He had a roll of Mentos and a cinnamon-flavored Listerine Pocket Pack, but nothing to write on. Sighing, Roy pulled out a square of toilet paper and wrote down Riza Hawkeye's number.

Quickly, he pocketed the number and flushed the toilet, exiting the restroom pompously as usual, more bounce than ever in his step now that he had the phone number of a supposedly hot girl in his pants pocket. He would give her a call tonight.

Roy had waited until seven o'clock that night to call Miss Hawkeye. He didn't have a clue who she was, what she looked like, or how old she was, but he wasn't thinking of those things. The mental image in his mind was considered reality to him, and his reality was envisioning Riza as a curvaceous young woman with a bushel of curly blonde hair and blue eyes. As all of his fantasies/"realities" included, she was wearing a miniskirt.

He pressed in the last number on his phone and waited for it to ring. He tapped his foot eagerly against the parquet floor in the dining room, waiting for her to pick on. On the third ring, a mellow female voice answered.

"Hello?"

"Is this Miss Riza Hawkeye?" asked Roy suavely.

"Yes, this is she. May I ask who is calling?"

Damn, she's so formal! thought Roy. I wonder what she looks like… "Hey, babe, this is Roy Mustang, vice president of WorldSpin International, Central Branch, Department of Human Resources."

Riza's voice dropped to a sardonic tone "Oh. I know you." Jerkwad… she wanted to add, but she kept her mouth shut in case he was offering her a promotion. Though why he would was beyond her; she was pretty sure that Vice President Mustang had never seen her around the office. "What do you want, sir?"

Roy grinned. "Well, I was thinking… Maybe we should go on a date?"

Riza held the phone away from her face and glared at it in disgust, hoping that Roy would somehow be able to see her expression. She recovered herself quickly, however, realizing that Vice President Mustang was waiting for an answer. She yelled, "What are you saying? I hardly know you! No!"

Roy wasn't deterred. Not yet. Miss Hawkeye did have a point; he had never seen her around the office, and they had never spoken. Grinning, he continued, not missing a beat: "Well, then why don't we go out to dinner on Friday to get to know each other a little better?"

Almost appalled but strangely attracted, Riza's mouth dropped open. Does this guy not know what "no" means? she wondered silently to herself. No, of course not. He's used to getting what he wants… However, Riza didn't deny him the opportunity to "get to know her". She agreed.

Roy smirked to himself, nearly drowning in his own self-importance. He lowered his voice to his well-perfected sexy growl and replied, "That's great, sweetheart. I can't wait to see you there." He put the phone back on its cradle with a click and put his hands behind his head in a relaxed position. Maybe you're not doomed to be single for all of time after all…

--crazykitsune17--