A/N: Well, it's been kind of a long hiatus for me, but school and a writer's block were conspiring against me. I'd like to send a special shout out to Nathan and Marian for their helpful comments and insights. Without further ado, Chapter Eight.

Prank Warfare

by Onedergirl

Chapter Eight

In Love and War

It all started that morning at breakfast. Well, truth be told, it all started a few nights before, but Harry Potter was blissfully ignorant of that fact. No, as far as he was concerned, it all started that morning. There was nothing hinting at the utter humiliation that he would feel by the end of breakfast. There was nothing ominous or foreboding about the morning. As far as mornings went, it was rather unremarkable.

Unremarkable, that is, until he entered the Great Hall. He sat down--as usual--with Ron and Hermione, and began eating his normal breakfast of scrambled eggs, French toast, potatoes, and orange juice. He even began to indulge himself in what had become--of late--one of his favorite pastimes. That is, sneaking glances at Ginny Weasley when he thought no one was looking. It was just this activity that got him into trouble. Occupied as he was, he didn't notice a hand dart over his juice, drizzle a few drops of clear liquid in it, and then return from whence it came. Not only was Harry completely ignorant of this significant fact, but it had gone unnoticed by the rest of the Gryffindors as well, all of whom were too busy watching their own backs to watch out for someone else's.

Due to the situation, one can easily understand that Harry would drink his orange juice as though nothing was wrong. And that would explain what happened next.

The whole incident happened rather gradually. Harry's little glances in Ginny's direction developed into conspicuous, open-mouthed stares of adoration. By this point, even Ron and Hermione began to take notice.

"Harry? Harry!"

No answer for Ron, but Ginny was on the receiving end of a very ardent stare.

"Oi! Harry! You there, mate?"

Slowly, Harry's mouth shut and his head swiveled on his neck. Sluggishly, his eyes fixed on Ron with a dreamy, dazed expression that was beginning to unnerve Ron, who cleared his throat nervously. "Uh . . . you alright, Harry? You seem a little . . . ." Ron trailed off, at a loss for the right word to finish that sentence.

The question must have traveled at a somewhat more leisurely pace than the usual speed of sound, for it took an inordinate amount of time for Harry's response, which consisted of a sigh. This was no ordinary sigh, though. This was one of those very rare epic sighs, the kind that convey the very worst kind of pain--that of being used and abused by the woman of one's dreams. It was a sigh that was at once forlorn, melodramatic, and almost physically painful.

Whatever the sigh may have been, however, one thing was certain: it was not typical behavior for Harry Potter. Hermione and Ron exchanged a look of fear and confusion, and this time Hermione tried to get through to him. "Is there something wrong Harry?"

It seemed that this was--excuse the pun--the magic question. Harry seemed to see his friends for the first time as he answered.

"No, nothing's wrong. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow."1

Ron just looked confused at this answer, while Hermione looked like she was torn between laughing and crying. The worst part seemed to be that the rest of the Gryffindors were starting to take notice of Harry's rather peculiar behavior. Of course, in situations such as these--when it seems that things can't get any worse--they inevitably do.

Had Harry's affliction consisted merely of gawking at an increasingly embarrassed Ginny Weasley, they would have only suffered minor embarrassment, and perhaps Harry would have only been subject to dark looks from Ron. Perhaps no one but the Gryffindors and a few sharp-eyed students from other houses would have noticed. But this was not what happened.

What did happen next was acutely embarrassing to the Gryffindors, not to mention incredibly demoralizing.

As if coming to a decision, Harry abruptly stood and, with the gait of a man on a mission, he strode around to the other side of the table, kneeling near Ginny.

She had been watching him since becoming aware that he was staring at her, and she had to admit, she watched him approach her with a little anxiety. But she was also secretly pleased. When he kneeled down beside her, her heart quickened, and she had to wonder if perhaps Larissa had been right, and he did fancy her. She didn't dare hope.

Ron watched his friend go with trepidation, wondering what on earth Harry planned to do. When he saw him kneel near his sister, his blood began to boil. Best friend or not, no one messed with his little sister. But before he could make a move, Harry began to speak. Loudly. And in a tone of voice and with the appropriate gestures that would have made a used broom salesman or a third rate Shakespearean actor proud.

"In vain have I struggled, but my feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you, dearest, loveliest Virginia."2

Her pleasure was quickly turning to horror. She'd always imagined such romantic words being whispered to her over a candlelight dinner, perhaps. As it was, he was yelling them in the most melodramatic tone of voice she'd ever heard. And in front of the entire school.

"Harry," she whispered urgently, "maybe this isn't the time or--"

He interrupted her, never seeming to hear her in the first place. His passion was flowing from him, and he couldn't stop now. "I awake from dreams of thee in the first sweet sleep of night, when the winds are breathing low and the stars are shining bright!"3

If he didn't have it before, he certainly now had the attention of everyone in the Great Hall. It was quiet enough to hear the birds chirping outside. And yet he continued, heedless of the frantic and pleading faces at his table, and able to be heard above the laughter that started quietly and rippled through the Slytherin table until the Slytherins alone made up for the total lack of noise from the rest of the school.

"But soft! What light there sits before me? It is the east, and fair Ginny is the sun!"4

That set the Slytherins off with a fresh wave of laughter, while the Gryffindors, to a man, tried to slump down and hide under the table. They were unsuccessful in hiding their beat red faces, though they tried.

Harry, meanwhile, paid no one in the room any attention--save Ginny, whom he looked at adoringly. "I ne'er was struck before this moment with love so sudden and so sweet,"5 he crowed, in what he obviously thought was a romantic way. This just caused even the somewhat sympathetic Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs to try and hold back their laughter.

He exhaled another sigh as Ginny tried desperately to find a place to hide. It wasn't working too well, considering that--apart from Harry--she was now the center of attention. She couldn't help but wish that Voldemort would attack.

But no such luck. Harry would not be deterred, even standing up and proclaiming his passionate feelings to the room at large, though his eyes never left poor Ginny.

"Nymph of the downward smile, and sidelong glance, in what diviner moments of the day art thou most lovely? 'Tis when thy ruby lips part sweetly and so remain, because thou listenest."6

In spite of her horror, Ginny couldn't help wondering if "listenest" was even a word.

Ron had been taking in the scene in stunned dismay. His best friend was sighing and spouting words of love . . . to his sister! It was very nearly too much. The only thing that kept Ron from dragging Harry out of the room and giving him what for was the knowledge that Harry had to be under some kind of spell. And so instead of directing his wrath at his best friend--whom he considered more or less innocent--he instead was devising creative ways in which to exact revenge for the humiliation of his sister, his best friend, himself, and the rest of the Gryffindors. Whoever had done this was going to be in for a fate worse than death, once Ron was done with him. He glanced over at Hermione, who looked utterly miserable, obviously feeling bad for Ginny and Harry, as well as the rest of Gryffindors.

She caught him glancing at her, and gave a sad shake of her head. "He's not even being original," she whispered to him.

Ron was not a little upset to hear this. After all, his best friend and his sister were being disgraced in front of the entire school and she had the gall to comment on what was actually being said! He was about ready to lash out at her when he noticed that she had returned her attention back to the train wreck that was Harry, and he realized that he really didn't know what to say in response to her anyway. He also turned his attention, unwillingly, back to Harry, who wasn't finished yet.

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!"7 he cried, falling to his knees near Ginny and looking up at her with a face so desperate that its expression could be read in pea soup fog at thirty paces.

Ron chanced a glance at his sister, almost fearing to see her face. Ginny, for her part, had gone ashen. Her eyes were as wide as saucers, and she was gaping at Harry. Ron grimaced. Whoever had done this would PAY!

"I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears of all my life!"8 He looked at her imploringly, and continued. "There's something in the way you move that attracts me like no other."9

He must have thought that he was being suggestive. It sent the Slytherins to the floor, some fearing that they might die of laughter before Harry was finished.

"Everyday I love you more and more. I'll love you until the end of time."10

He paused, and the howls of the Slytherins died down, everyone in the room curious as to what would happen next. It was quiet but for a moment before Ginny released a little squeak that sounded rather like a mouse being trod on, before bolting from her seat and racing out of the room.

The absence of Ginny seemed to break the quiet of the Great Hall, as well as the spell over Harry. As a result of the former, the decibel level of the Great Hall reached a fever pitch as the Slytherins relieved their favorite moments in pantomime-like fashion, while the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs gossiped and speculated what the Gryffindors would do in retaliation--or, indeed, if the Gryffindors would surrender. The Gryffindors remained the black hole of noise; all afraid to even look each other in the eyes because of the acute mortification they felt.

As a result of the latter, Harry stared at the door for a moment, before slowly making his way back to Ron and Hermione and slumping down into his seat. The three of them glanced at each other for a moment, wondering what on earth they were going to do now.

In the confusion and noise, nobody noticed two students quietly slipping out of the Great Hall.

*********

1 Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.
2 Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.
3 Lines to An Indian Air (poem) by Percy Shelley.
4 Romeo and Juliet (II.ii) by William Shakespeare.
5 To G.A.W. (poem) by John Keats.
6 To G.A.W. (poem) by John Keats.
7 How Do I Love Thee (poem) by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
8 How Do I Love Thee (poem) by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
9 Something (song) written by George Harrison, performed by the Beatles.
10 Come What May (song) sung by Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman (from Moulin Rouge!)