A/N: I feel terrible about not updating, but I'll be completely honest, my Harry Potter muse had been sort of failing me for the past couple of years. But it's reignited and while I can't guarantee regular and frequent updates, I can promise that I'll do my very best to entertain you and deliver the best material I possibly can. Also, please note the pen name change. Anyway, onto the long-delayed chapter!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable.
YOU'VE GOT 0 MESSAGES
By: beautiful little fool
Summary: "Draco, I just want you to know that as your mother I have always loved you. And again as your mother, I will continue you to love you, perhaps a little bit more, especially since Miss Granger will humiliate you in court." (Loosely based on Laws of Attraction.)
Chapter 6: The Hunt of a Cougar
Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE
To: Ferret Shit
From: Granger
Subject: Meeting
Malfoy,
Narcissa has finally relented and requested that both parties meet to discuss the distribution of assets. Inform your client and we'll proceed from there.
- Granger
Wizmail – REPLY
To: Mop Head
From: Malfoy
Subject: RE: Meeting
My client is wholly uninterested in discussing the distribution of his assets. He may come around, we'll see.
- Malfoy
"Malfoy. Spit it out. Bugger off."
Beep!
"What an atrocious greeting, Draco. Really. I thought I'd raised you better than that. Then again, you are your father's son through and through. Completely lacking in manners. Well, what can I do? It is what it is.
"Anyway, I didn't call to lecture. I called to request your presence at a little party I'm hosting in honour of my newfound freedom. I'll expect you to arrive promptly at seven o'clock Saturday evening dressed in formal attire. You can extend this invitation to a lady friend should you wish to do so. Ta-ta for now."
"She's gone nutters!"
"Or she's celebrating singlehood. I honestly don't know what the big deal is, Malfoy."
"She's absolutely barking mad, my mother is! I should have her locked up at St. Mungo's! Have her bloody institutionalized!"
"You are being complete arse-face. It's just a harmless little party."
"Are you actually supporting this lunacy, Zabini?"
"If lunacy happens to be celebrating one's freedom, then yes, I whole-heartedly support it."
"Celebrating one's freedom?! It's not like my father locked her up in a bloody cell, feeding her only bread and water for the past twenty-five years! He didn't enslave her and force her to do lick the bleeding toilets clean! The woman has not lifted a finger since she married my father! She's been living a life of luxury and frivolity, one full of spur of the moment trips to Milan, Sydney, Bejing, New York and the rest of the whole bloody planet! She threw about galleons like her life depended on it! Couldn't give a shit when father almost faced time in Azkaban! She was without any bloody care in the world! She was well taken care of! She's had plenty sodding freedom!"
"That's not necessarily freedom, Malfoy. And while I agree your mother can't really claim to have been imprisoned in her home, perhaps she felt the imprisonment in her marriage."
"Her marriage? Do you have your head and arse on straight, Zabini? My father couldn't give two knuts about what my mother did as long as it was decent and his name wouldn't be dragged through the mud. I reiterate: she was free to do as she pleased!"
"Maybe she felt trapped in a loveless marriage?"
"What in hell's name are you even talking about? My father loved my mother."
"How often would such sentiments be exchanged between them?"
"Often enough."
"Ever witness any of these tender moments?"
"They seemed to like a good romp in the bed. Quite frequent."
"You really must consider the possibility of a sex tape."
"You are foul, Zabini."
"Perhaps. Nevertheless, I doubt a few good romps a week can hardly constitute a loving relationship. It's all lust and sexual desires. Unless, of course, it was a term of agreement on your parents' bonding contract. Then, it just becomes a pain in the ass for both parties. Who wants to be obligated to have sex? What if you're in a foul mood? Or too exhausted for such laborious physical activity?"
"…"
"What?"
"Sometimes, I wonder if you're a woman underneath all that male bravado."
"Don't make me laugh, Malfoy. I'm all male."
"Whatever. I simply cannot believe my mother is forcing me to attend this obscene gathering. And formal attire? Is she holding a debutante ball?"
"Don't worry. I'll be there as your moral support."
"I am not asking you to be my date, Zabini."
"Right, like I'd agree in the first place. As an 'eligible bachelor', your mother has requested my attendance and I've received my own invitation, thank you very much."
"…Is this a joke?"
"I don't joke about such matters. That was her precise wording. And, as a matter of fact, there wasn't even a 'plus one' on the invitation either."
"Merlin's balls! How many other 'eligible bachelors' do you suppose she's invited?"
"I would presume all of them if Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter have made the exclusive guest list."
"What! This is madness! How do you even know this?"
"Oh, the little Weasley and I have been keeping correspondence since we last met at the Quidditch match. Surprisingly, we get on smashingly well. I believe she also mentioned her own invitation as well."
"Oh, joy. I suppose she's invited all of Wizarding England with the exception of my father."
"Hmm… that would be the logical summation."
"Shut up, Zabini. By the way, you are officially fraternizing with the enemy and I don't think I can tell you anything in confidence anymore. Whatever I may tell you may somehow be relayed back to Granger. Far too risky."
"Please, my inability to keep a secret should be the last thing on your mind. You're the one with the loony mother, Malfoy. That should be your main concern at the moment, not who I happen to befriend."
"Bugger off."
"You hate it when I'm right."
Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: (none)
So I've just received this odd invitation from Narcissa Black for her "coming out again" party, whatever that means. Don't have a clue why she'd invite me or Ron and Harry for that matter (personally, I think she's gone a little nutters), but if it means free food and drinks, the boys and I are most definitely in.
I'll assume that you've been invited and I imagine we'd both need new dress robes for the occasion… So we're going shopping this afternoon. No excuses. Drop everything and come meet me at Madam Malkin's at four o'clock sharp. If you're not there, I'll come drag you by the hair.
-Ginny
P.S. Completely forgot to ask: are you bringing Wood as your date? I bet he looks absolutely yummy in dress robes. Though his splendid arse would be hidden beneath all that material. Such waste.
Wizmail – REPLY
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: RE: (none)
Unfortunately, I have no choice but to attend Narcissa's party being her attorney and all. She expects me to "support her in her endeavour back into the dating world". Translation: she's entering cougardom and she's on the prowl for younger, juicier meat. And I totally agree that she's gotten a bit mad as of late.
But I digress. As much as I probably should refuse your offer to go dress shopping, I really do need to get out of the office. Narcissa floos every hour or so wanting to know how I'm progressing on her divorce and I haven't the heart or the energy to tell her to just bloody bugger off and let me do my job. So I suppose I'll meet you at four.
And regarding Oliver. He's received an invitation of his own. Something about all eligible bachelors having to be in attendance. Serious cougar behaviour.
-Hermione
Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE
To: Granger
From: Draco Malfoy
Subject: DO YOUR DAMN JOB!!!
As her bloody lawyer you should be looking out for my mother's best interest, Granger. You shouldn't let her dilly-dally and host ridiculous parties for even more ridiculous occasions! My mother is officially nutters so you'd better keep her in check! She's your goddamn responsibility!
Do you know that she's invited anyone and everyone with whom I have ever associated? She's invited all my friends and acquaintances, Granger, and it is fucking mortifying! They'll assume I'm loony by association! And I cannot have that mar my reputation! Everything is at stake here, so you'd better get a handle on my mother and make sure she refrains from other foolish activities and doesn't do any more damage to the Malfoy name or so help me God, Granger! So help me God!
"I am in no way associated with Narcissa Black. She is not my mother."
Beep!
"You stupid prat! Who do you think you are? Honestly? To have the gall to Wizmail me and order me to take responsibility for your mother?! You are every bit as looney as she is!
"You mistake me for something else, Malfoy. I am not your mother's babysitter, I'm her Godforsaken lawyer! That's right, her lawyer! My duty, as far as your mother's concerned, includes me looking after her impending divorce and ensuring that you and your git of a father don't dupe the poor woman out of everything she has! I don't interfere in her personal life and I could care less that she's throwing a party in celebration of her newfound bachelorettehood. In fact, I could care even less if she decided to have fireworks explode in her backyard every time she starts her menses! That's her business, not mine!
"Look, she's your mother, Malfoy. Maybe you should be looking after her and making sure she doesn't get into trouble. Narcissa is a bit, for a lack of a better word, lost right now. For the past twenty-five years of her life she's been Lucius Malfoy's wife. She hadn't had an identity of her own and she's genuinely confused and struggling to get her bearings. I know you're representing your father, Malfoy, but your mother needs you as well. She's not half as strong and independent as she fronts herself to be. It's tough for her so ease up a bit, would you, and just be there for her for once?
"Anyway, I've got to go. Narcissa's calling. Again. Seventh time today…
"…*Sigh*While I thoroughly hate having to stoop so low as to ask a Malfoy for a favour, do you think – er – you could ask her to let up on the phone calls and floos? Maybe limit them to two per week? You know, while you're being there for her and all? It's driving me batty and I have a feeling she'll probably listen to you."
"I like the green one on you better."
"Ginny, I told you, the neckline is far too low."
"Hermione, the green dress makes you look like a very alluring, very sensual fairy. You know, with your curls and that green just shimmering all over you body-"
"Except the cleavage."
"Your cleavage speaks volumes on its own. You don't need any sodding material covering it up."
"What's wrong with this black one? It's really business-like and I'd like to maintain some air of professionalism."
"That black one makes you look like a nun mourning the death of a troll. And besides, this is a party not a stupid business conference."
"Ginny, the green dress is far too provocative-"
"I bet Wood would love you in it."
"…"
"So…?"
"Okay, fine!"
"Ha! I knew you'd give in once I mentioned Wood."
"I didn't pick it because of him!"
"Oh, yeah? Then, why did you pick it?"
"Because…"
"You're stalling. It's because of Wood."
"Is not!"
"Is to!"
"Is not!"
"Then, why are you blushing?"
"…"
"Don't worry, Hermione. I'm sure he's going to want to ravish you after seeing you in it."
"Hermione Granger, here. I can't answer your call at the moment so leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."
Beep!
"Granger, sorry for my earlier outburst. However, I can't really comply with your demands that I take care of my mother. My father expects complete loyalty from me and so while I'd love to be the one to lock my mother up in a loony bin and visit every so often to make sure she's still alive and breathing, I'm afraid I'm going to have to hand off that responsibility to your somewhat capable hands for the time being. I can't be there for both my parents while this is going on. There would be too much manipulation on their part and too many biases on mine to ensure that the divorce is handled carefully and effectively. It would just get far too messy and complicated.
"As for my mother's constant floos and calls, she just needs someone to talk to. Like you said, she's a bit lonely these days. When it gets to be a pain, have your receptionist intercept all calls and floos and distract her with conversation. Most preferably about frivolous things. My mother doesn't really care for the serious things in life. Obviously."
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it. Drop a review. They always inspire me to continue writing.
- beautiful little fool