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Someone asked me today on how I was doing and all I could do was smile. They smiled back, feeling happy. But me, I felt empty …

I kept smiling and said, "I'm all right …"

-

It took some time to get used to the idea of taking care of three people. He loved all three so he didn't mind the load or the burden. He didn't have to worry about rent nor did he have to worry about nosy neighbors or complaints being given by the apartment complex owner. He had his own house; his parents' house. The walls of the house are all a soft shade of yellow. It was his choice to paint the walls yellow. The choice was a mystery to him. It was a big house, four rooms, three bathrooms and a very spacious living room. There was a back garden that he dedicated time to every week to tend to and a fairly good sized dojo as well.

He kept telling himself that he loves his home and the people that come and give it life. And yet, he wonders if the life that graced his house by three people he truly cares for somehow managed to reach his heart.

-

I saw one of my students crying in the playground today. He was hiding from the other children, leaning against the barbwire fence that lead to the target training field.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"They call me weak. I just wanted to play with them. Make friends." The crying child answered.

"You will. One day. You survive. So you're not weak. You're strong."

The crying child wipes his tears and looks at me with his large gray eyes. "Iruka-sensei is strong."

And I can only smile and answer, "Maybe. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all my strength …"

-

The first thing he ever did when he got home from the hospital was to start moving furniture around. He didn't tell anyone nor did he request help. Once or twice, Kakashi would come and give him a hand when he's not being over worked by the Hokage. It was not Kakashi's fault, that much he knows and understands and so he doesn't blame him. He does the work by himself.

It took a month to finish painting the entire house, replace the floor boards and roof tiles and get the garden trimmed. He worked day night in his house, with the occasional helping hand from Kabuto. He was grateful for the medic's help and always will be.

After all, it wasn't just the gardens Kabuto ever helped him in.

Iruka feels that he owes Kabuto his life.

Months later he starts to doubt that debt.

-

I do not like drinking and I never liked it. A drunken staff member asked me during the graduation party for the new batch if there was ever something I regretted …

"Yes," I said. "I regret living … "

-

The house still smelled of fresh paint and newly waxed floor tiles. The smell of the thinner coating the furniture filled the air of the house. It was suffocating for Iruka's likes but it was his new home. He didn't decorate the walls with family pictures. What personal belongings he had of his past life, he kept hidden in the attic in a locked and sealed box that nobody will ever open unless they had his blood in their hands. He had many things he wanted to put on the walls and around the house.

For example, he had a lovely woolen carpet that belonged to his mother that he wanted to feel under his toes like he always did when he was a child. That carpet was rolled and wrapped in thick plastic and stored away in the attic. He had a beautifully calligraphed scroll wall display that belonged to his father that spoke of a folklore that he imagined seeing in his living room wall; that scroll was now tucked in its bamboo case, wrapped in cloth and hidden in the attic too. There were family pictures, students parties and memorable moments that never failed to make smile that he wanted framed on the wall. But they were all in albums, hidden in a large box in the attic.

Instead, there was a plain blue and gray floor rug in the middle of his living room. There was a painting of nature on his wall that he bought for a good price in a nearby sale. He never used the fine china his mother owned and kept; the very china they all ate with when his parents were still alive. Instead, there was a set of plain white and blue china set that he bought for everyday use stored in his kitchen cupboards. The fine silver and blue china that his mother kept was hidden in the attic.

Everything was hidden in the attic.

There were times when Iruka would come home to an empty large house. Sometimes Kakashi was sent away on long missions parring also with the dates Kabuto was sent off on missions too. Sometimes Itachi wouldn't be on his couch, chewing dessert he left in the fridge for him. He obviously got used to the fact that they were all shinobis and busy people fairly quickly.

He doesn't mind being alone.

With them gone now, he was just left in his study room, looking out the window with the papers scattered on the desk in front of him. Winter was drawing near and Konoha's winters are fairly mild.

Sighing, he started to sort the papers out according to the highest student grade. When he completed the task, he moves to the second room in the house. The four rooms in the house was turned in to some sort of get away. The last room had one large futon on one side and the basic small furniture. Iruka gave it a warm touch by adding displays and a tall side lamp along with a shelf of books good to read before sleeping. The bottom shelf of course held most of Kakashi's Icha Icha series.

The third room was turned in to a guest room. Iruka made sure that the closet in the guest room had double futons and its basic furniture as well. It had a bigger window compared to the last room and had a darker yellow paint job. Unlike the last room, it had no balcony or book shelf. Hardly any of the three entered the third room.

The second room was a study. Iruka kept all his work in that particular room. It had the office feel to it and like many years ago, it used to be his father's work room. There was a large shelf on the far wall that had books and several encyclopedias and other informative documents and maps arranged by alphabetical order. A large tack-it board lay on side of the room where Iruka tacked on important notes, schedules and work memos provided the administration. The room was just a vision of work loads to anyone who entered it.

The first room, was where all the television, radio and VCR went. Kakashi cheekily called it the entertainment room. There were floor cushions, a cupboard with extra pillows and blankets and several collections of movies and music to choose from. The room had no window but Iruka made sure to install ambient lights in the corner of the room to make up for the lack of a window. It gave a good feel to entire room and most of the time, his three companions liked to spend their time in the first room.

Iruka sighed as he piled the papers on one side and pad for the second room. He avoided the master's bedroom more on autopilot mode rather than by choice. He couldn't remember when he started avoiding the room when neither three were present but for now, as he settled down on the futon he laid out, he was glad he did.

It was just habit.

Not choice.

Then again maybe it was choice.

Iruka just wasn't aware when he made it.

-

It was a simple game of truth or dare. Something a very bored teacher seem to think fun when it wasn't funny at all. At some point or the other, the tip of the bottle points at me, the base at a colleague.

"Do you ever, ever wish you had a better life?" She asked.

This was coming from someone who also lost her family and now found love in two adopted children and a lover. She is like me I, I think. But not me. Perhaps compared to her, I'm just a broken mirrored reflection.

"Yes. Many times." I say, and I smile. "Sometimes I don't even know that I wish it … "

-

One winter night, while alone at home alone, he sat on the futon in the third room with a ball of good quality yarn on his lap and two knitting needles. Years ago, he remembered his mother knitting scarves for the winter for both himself and his father. Now, he practiced the same tradition only he's not a mother.

"I'm a lover." He mumbles and accidentally pokes one of his fingers with the needle. Grabbing the tissue from the side table, he applied pressure on the small dot of broken skin till the bleeding stops. He then continued to knit.

It was at ten-thirty in the afternoon when the front door opens and closes, bringing in a set of three footsteps. He set away his knitting and sigh a bit tiredly. It was a long day and two of his students nearly received permanent scars during taijutsu lessons. He felt tired and worn to the bone and he wasn't even thirty yet.

Pulling his wits together, he pulled the door open to find Kabuto in front of him ready to knock.

"Welcome home." Iruka greeted, smiling.

"We're home." Kabuto smiled, taking Iruka by the hand and leading him to the dining room where Kakashi was bringing plates while Itachi opened their dinner.

"I suggested sushi." Itachi said. "But they told me that your favorite food was ramen."

Kakashi pulled his mask down and quickly placed a small kiss on the corners of Iruka's lips. "I told them that you liked miso better."

He smiled like he always does and nods at the three of them. "Thank you." Iruka rubbed his scar. "Let's eat then."

They eat. They tell stories. Kakashi and Kabuto bicker and pick on each other. They laugh.

It was so normal.

But so empty …

Why did it feel empty?

-

"You're squad members have not returned. They won't be anymore." Tsunade-Hokage said.

"I will in form their families." I reply, and dip my head in respect.

"Please." Tsunade nods and gives me my leave.

I go to the first family. Then the second. Then the third. And finally the fourth. I came to realize that weeks ago, my teammate's son lost his mother in a mission. The boy holds back the tears with all the will power of a six year old as I tell him the news.

"Was he brave?" He asks, voice cracking.

"He was always brave." I answer, quiet and unattached.

"You're their captain! You were supposed to protect them! Why are you even alive?" The boy demanded, all the anger and misunderstanding a six year old was capable of poured in to that one question.

I smiled at him, sad and reach out to pat his messy hair. "I'm not even alive anymore …"

…

…

TTC (Turn the Page)

Broke the whole document in to four parts because reading it all in one go would be a headache …

FAQs in the last chapter.