Chapter One: The Prowls of A Tabby Cat

It was nearly midnight. And the castle was quiet, mostly anyway. Inside her office a very preoccupied Minerva McGonagall scribbled away on many pieces of parchment, the work of her fifth year Gryffindor class. Correcting. Making notes on the side. Adding whatever seemed necessary. She'd been at this for hours. What of writer's cramp, you ask? HA! Only the WEAK halt their work for such human situations as having writer's cramp!

She came to one in particular and stopped. Hermione Granger was the name on the top. Without even looking at what the student had written, Minerva just placed it with the other already-graded essays. Back in Granger's third year many professors just skipped grading all of her work, it was always perfect. Having a bright Gryffindor was nice, Minerva mused, but Granger was just obnoxiously smart.

Severus delighted in impersonating the student in the teacher's lounge, jumping up and down in his seat with his hands waving wildly in the air. This almost always brought uproars of laughter from anyone watching, even Minerva sometimes had to put a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

It seemed all the professors had a take on young Granger's antics. Once, even Minerva herself had joined in, after Rolanda Hooch had spiked her drink with alcohol anyway. The flying instructor enjoyed bringing up this fact at most faculty meetings, and once did a good enough impersonation to get a standing ovation.

Lost in thought, Minerva put down her quill and leaned back her chair slightly. Suddenly the clock on her office wall struck 12:00. Surely, she figured, all of the students were in bed by now. It was near the end of the year, exams were almost upon them.

Standing up slowly the deputy headmistress stretched, she really was starting to get to old for staying up almost all hours of the night. But more work was to be done this night.

Minerva walked to the door of her office and poked her head out. Nothing. She could vaguely hear Peeves breaking something a few corridors away, but nothing else.

She stepped out into the hallway, transfiguring herself into her tabby cat form as she did so. She took off down the hallway and was soon met with the dreaded staircases. Normally, she wouldn't chance going down them as a cat, but she was in a hurry tonight, she was already late.

Minerva bounded down the first few steps without slowing, but then (and you knew it was coming), she hit the disappearing step. Being a cat, she is thus much smaller then a human being, obviously. Where this disappearing step would only make the average person trip, a cat would just fall through the staircase completely. And thus was the situation here.

As Minerva fell through the air, screeching, the other staircases seemed to move out of her way, as if trying to avoid breaking her fall. And as she fell, her life flashed before her eyes. All seventy-something years of it. And yet, the fall was so long, that she ran out of things the flash on, and called for a re-run.

And then, as she saw the floor coming up below her she closed her eyes and began to think what she was sure would be her last thoughts. Oh! What an unfitting end, to fall through that STUPID staircase! I told Albus to make sure all those disappearing steps were gotten rid of, but would he do anything about it? No, sir! The stubborn old coot

The seconds went by…. Then they turned into minutes…. Minerva opened her eyes and looked around. She was standing on the floor beneath the staircases unhurt and very much living.

"How the hell am I still alive!" She wondered aloud.

((Author: Because character death in a fanfiction piece always brings flames into the reviews.))

Confused, Minerva looked around for the source of this voice which had seemed to come out of nowhere. Perhaps she had woken up someone. But the staircases were pretty far away from all the dormitories, and none of the ghosts or paintings around here had a voice like that.

"Who are YOU?" she asked what seemed to be thin air.

((Author: rolls eyes Ahh, shuddup! In this fanfiction story, on this computer, I AM GOD! NOW BOW DOWN TO ME, or go on with your business and pretend this never happened. You pick.))

Minerva gave a puzzled look in what seemed to be the general direction of where the voice seemed to be coming from, then scampered off down the nearby corridor. She was REALLY starting to get to old for this.

It was a bit of a hike to her destination. Minerva took advantage of this fact to reflect on her sanity in light of recent events. All too soon through her self evaluation, she came upon her final destination, and her midnight companion. Unlikely, perhaps, but how many cats capable of intelligent conversation can you find in a school such as this?

As she approached, the other cat stood up, "Took you long enough! What kept you?"

"Long story… Very long story…" said Minerva sitting down across from the other, "What's new around the castle, Mrs. Norris?"

Mrs. Norris made a gagging sound. "You know good and well I hate it when people call me that! I only let that crackpot Filch do it because he feeds me!"

Minerva chuckled softly. "You still haven't answered my question."

"Umm, well… Let's see. Last time we met was last week, yes? Hmm… Filch is trying out a new cleaning product on the floors. Some muggle thing. Dr., no, Mr. Clean I suppose it was."

Minerva rolled her eyes, "I meant the INTERESTING stuff!"

"That's the trouble. Nothing interesting ever happens 'round here."

"Go figure. So… How're you and Crookshanks getting along?"

Mrs. Norris laughed loudly, "I've got about as much luck with him as you do with Albus!"

Minerva gave her friend a dirty look, but before she could say anything to her another voice sounded through the corridor.

"Wuz-up with you ladies!"

Annoyed, Minerva turned towards the voice. "Crookshanks, you bastard, get out here!"

The ginger cat walked, no, strutted out from the shadows and sat down opposite the professor. "Do you have to be such a sourpuss all the time, Minnie?"

Minerva rolled her eyes, oh how she despised being called that. What she wouldn't give for one good swipe at that pig with fur, but he was quite a bit bigger then she was in her cat form.

"Yeah, Min, do you have to be such a sourpuss?" Swooned Mrs. Norris, chiming into the conversation for the first time since Crookshanks had appeared.

What she saw in that stupid tomcat, Minerva would never know, and frankly, she didn't care to find out. Excusing herself quickly, she left the other two cats alone in corridor. As she walked away, Minerva wondered what they might do alone without her. She shivered at the thought.

Turning the corner, Minerva transfigured herself back into her human form, straightening her robes, and putting back on her spectacles, she began the walk back to her office.

But alas, my friends, dear Minerva's plight is not over here.

On this night, she decided to cross the wrong corridor, at just the wrong time. What is this world coming to? One moment you're trying to think about anything but the fact that you have just left your friend and the prat she has crush on behind you, and the next moment, you're suspended upside down in the air.

This was Minerva's current situation.

As she swung through the air, arms flailing about, glasses falling off, and hair starting to come out of it's traditional bun, Minerva tried not to yell in surprise (it was quite late, you know).

Then a shadow stepped away from the wall. Minerva tried to focus on it, and recognized it as soon as the room stopped spinning. It was none other then Rolanda Hooch.

"Ohh, Minerva. After all your years in teaching I wish you'd learn to look before you leap!" said Rolanda, visibly struggling to hold in the laughter threatening to cause her to implode.

"Rolanda, you git! GETMEDOWNFROMHERE!" yelled the transfigurations teacher, so angry her last sentence was made one word."

At this, not even a mime could keep from laughing, much less Rolanda. Exploding with laughs, snorts, and giggles, the flying instructor threatened to fall over. Leaning against the corridor wall for support as her laugher reached its peak, she hadn't actually meant for Minerva to get caught in this trap. She'd set it for Severus, whom she knew would probably be crossing through eventually, but catching the usually stern, dignified head of Gryffindor house was so much better.

Very shortly afterward, a few Slytherins popped their heads out of the nearby dormitory to see what the hullabaloo was, as a very surprised Severus Snape came around the opposite corner of the corridor.

A few daring Slytherin sixth years with an obvious death wish walked out and began to laugh almost as loudly as Rolanda at the sight. Then a few first years not quite knowing what they were doing followed suit. Within minutes the whole of Slytherin house had gathered to watch what was unfolding.

Even the usually emotionless face of the potions master was hidden around the corner so no would see his soft laughter.

Minerva crossed her arms over her chest, still hanging upside-down, fuming, and cursing Rolanda with every curse word known to man. The other professors are never going to get her live this one down.

Ohh, the woes of a Hogwarts Professor. Do you think wizards use Aspirin?