The Grass is Always Greener
Author's Note: Hello everyone! This is my latest story, it's (supposed :) to be funny, and is just a result of too much sugar, caffine and me being hyper. Even though it's set in 1870, there will be a lot of modern day language and objects in it. And some Raoul bashing.Hope you will enjoy it anyway! Read and review, but please, no flames, this is only meant to be funny.
Summary: What if Erik and Raoul made a bet on who could last the longest in each other's lifestyle? Erik becomes the Vicomte de Changy and Christine's husband for a day, and Raoul becomes the Phantom of the Opera! Who will cave in first? (Hopefully) funny story, please read and review!
Erik sat in his favorite armchair in his lair. One year had passed since the chandelier crash and Don Juan. One year ago, he let Christine run off with that Vicomte, and had never heard from themagain. Erik had stayed away from his lair for a few weeks after the chandelier crash. Luckily, the managers had the opera house repaired and up and running in a few months time, and Erik had settled back into his lair, after putting up some new booby traps.Evantually, he had found a new obsession to help him get over Christine dumping him: crossword puzzles. He devored them, and did at least ten a day. Mme. Giry bought him dozens of crossword puzzle books to keep him occupied.
He was working on a particuarily tough one right now. "Let's see, I need a five letter word for a fop" he muttered. A splash at the end of the lake's gate made him look up. Raoul de Changy was standing there, motioning forErik to let him in"Ahh, Raoul! That will fit nicly in the puzzle for a five letter word for a fop." he said. He paused to write it down, wondering if he spelled it right, when he suddenly noticed that his enemy was standing at his gate. He threw the book onto the ground and stood up, looking towards the gate. "de Changy! What do you want? And how the hell did you get past all my new booby traps?" he asked
" Once you already survived 'em, it's not all that hard to do it again." Raoul said. "Can you let me in? I'm dying to talk to someone other than my wife"
At the mention of Christine, Erik scowled "You already stole the love of my life.What else do ya want?" he asked
"I just need to get a few things off my chest, then I'll be on my way, I promise" Raoul said
Erik sighed and reluctantly opened the gate, letting Raoul in. Raoul strode up through the water, and pulled up a chair besides Erik. He noticed Raoul had brought a six pack of beer with him.
"What's that for?" Erik asked
Raoul looked at him stupidly "To water the plants with! What do ya think it's for?" he asked
Erik smiled menicingly at him "If you think I'm terrifying now, wait till ya see me when I'm drunk" he said
Raoul laughed and took out two cans and tossed one to Erik., who drank it in a few gulps. Raoul punched him on the arm "Hey! Guessing ya don't get drunk that often being a Phantom, do ya?"
Erik looked at him "Don't touch me." he said
After a few more drinks, a very intoxicated Raoul started speaking. "God, I can't stand her!" he said
"Who?"
"Christine! She driving me nuts! All she thinks about is cooking and cleaning and homemaking! She's obsessed with being a perfect housewife! She's already completley redocorated the bedroom with flowered wallpaper,vanity dressers,a lacey canopy bed, and now she wants me to go on a low carb diet with her because she thinks she's fat!" he said
Erik looked at him, and after loudly belching said "Hey dude, at least you got a wife. All I got is at least a million crossword puzzle books, an organ, my reputation s an Opera Ghost,and a mannequin of Christine that I built myself and practice cheesy small talk lines and kissing on it." he said
Raoul looked at him oddly "Yeah? I just practiced my small talk lines in front of a mirror, but then I got distracted by how handsome I am and just ended up starring at it."
Erik sighed "I don't look at mirrors much. They depress me, although, there is a two way mirror in the ballet girl's dressing room that I look through a lot. Some of those girls look better than they think they do" Erik said, slightly chuckling
" Really?"
"Yeah" Erik said. After a few more gulps of beer, he looked at Raoul "Why are we telling each other this ? Weren't we talking about something else?" he asked
Raoul looked confused for a moment, then said "Oh yeah! Christine! Let me tell ya, her looks and her voice are all she's got going for her!She is so sensitive!"
Erik looked at him "Come on, Raoul, she can't be that bad!" he said
Raoul looked at him "Oh yeah? She tortured me with six hours of Titanic, Gone with the Wind, Casablanca, and every other stupid, sad romantic movie ever made, and she cried through every one! Then, we were getting dressed for dinner, and she was worried her dress made her look fat. So, she asks me, I tell her no, it doesn't and she begs me to be honest with her and tell her the truth, so I told yes, and she cried some more. Then, she got mad, and refused to go to dinner, and I had to cancel fifty dollar dinner reservations. After that, I had to try on about a thousand itchy sweaters she knitted herself for me, and I had a rash the rest of the night!" he said "And, you should see how she's decorating the house! All these fluffy, lacy pillows everywhere, a bunch of Carebear dolls on every piece of furniture we own, and these weird modern art sculptures! And, her room is completley filled with makeup. Well, actually, I don't mind it that much, because I use her concealers and mosturizers to give my face a beautiful, healthy glow."
Erik stared at him "Good god, it can't be that bad!" he said, unbelievingly
Raoul stared at him "Oh yeah? Three words: No football allowed"
Erik sputtered out his beer "No! You poor boy! How horrible is it?" he asked. Even though Erik was a multitalented genius who was shunned into solitude from the rest of the world and lived five stories underground, it didn't mean he didn't like watching football games, and he prided him self on never missing a superbowl.
"Horrible. Christine believe football's too violent and unsensitive for me too watch, so she used those parental controls and blocked every sports channel available on cable, using a password only she knows. I've tried everything and I still can't unblock it!" he said. Erik suggested a few words
"Music?"
"Nope, tried it."
"Angel?"
"Tried it"
"Phantom?"
"Tried it"
" I love Erik naked?"
Raoul glared at him "Tried that even. Nope, nothing."
Erik looked stunned "Damn" he said.
Raoul gulped down his second can of beer "Yeah. You know, you got a pretty sweet deal going on here. All alone, 24/7, with a T.V. that you can watch football on, you're a musical genius and you can look at naked ballet rats any time you wanna!" he said, causing Erik to turn beet red.
"Don't you ever tell Madame Giry this, but Meg is so damn hot, especially when she's in those skimpy little chorus girl outfits, like they wore in Hannibal."
They drank a few more beers, and after a while, Erik said "Ya know, your life can't be that bad. I mean, come on! You're like a millionaire, you got the most beautiful girl in Paris as your wife (as annoying as she might be) and you have a perfectly normal, not deformed face that you don't have to hide behind a mask"
Raoul looked up at him "By the way, there's something I've been meaning to ask you for quite a while." he said
"Shoot"
"How the hell do you sing through that mask?" he asked
Erik looked at him "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Say" he said, brightening "Maybe I should tell you"
Finally, Erik said " My life ain't that sweet a deal, though. I live five stories underground, in tortorous isolation for the rest of humanity, without anyone to keep to save me from my solitude. I wish I had a friend"
Raoul looked at him with puppy dog eyes "I'm here, friend" he said, putting his arm around Erik's shoulder
Erik looked at him " I already said don't touch me, unless you have a death wish" Raoul removed his arm from Erik's shoulder." And I said I wanted a friend, not a fop"
"Hey!"
"Let's face it, you are what you are" he said "And why did you come down here to talk to me when you know I want to kill you?"
Raoul sighed "You're the only guy I could think of. The only people I talk to anymore are Christine, servants, and a few males in some once a month marriage retreat." he said
"Wow" Erik said
Raoul looked at him queerly "By the way, where do you go to the bathroom?" he asked
Erik stole a quick glance at the lake " You don't wanna know" he said
Raoul suddenly conscious of the fact he had swam through the lake went "Oh, that is so sick!"
When Erik and Raoul finished drinking, Erik said "Say, which of our lives do you think is more horrible?"
Raoul said "Mine is"
"No, mine is!"
"No, mine is!"
"No, mine is!"
"Mine is!"
Erik suddenly brightened " I know. Why don't we see for ourselves whose life is more horrible?"
Raoul looked at him "Huh?" he asked
Erik said "Since we can't decide, let's switch places. I'll live with Christine and act as the Vicomte for twenty four hours, and you live down here for twenty four hours, and only leave to do evil Phantom-y things" he said
Raoul looked at him sinisterly "Say, that's a good idea. But, why don't we make it interesting. Let's bet on it. Whoever cracks first and lasts the least amount of time in each other's lifestyle has to pay the winner one hundred francs!"
Erik shook his hand "You're on Raoul!" he said. With that, Erik ripped off his mask and cloak and handed it to Raoul "Remember, Vicomte, I have a rep to protect. I don't want everyone thinking of me as some harmless, prissy man" he said as he grabbed his boat and the oar, and began to leave his lair.
Raoul scowled and said "O.K. But remember, Christine's a handful!"
Raoul sat down, put on the mask and cape and finished the remainder of his beer, while Erik rowed away to his new position as the Vicomte de Changy, a.k.a. Christine's husband. Both of them confident that the other would crack first. After all, how hard could it be?
A/N : Funny? Stupid? Whatever it is, PLEASE review! I LOVE reviews!