Title: Square One

Author: JadaSkye

Feedback: Romance/Drama

Rated: T+

Setting: NJO: AU Beginning somewhere in the unmentioned middle of Traitor. Which means Jacen & Anakin are not around, and Jaina is with Jag—but not for long…

Synopsis: K/J. Jaina, fighting the pull of the Darkside and dealing with life, love and loss after the death & disappearance of her 2 brothers. Plus, URST at its finest: Kyp and Jaina, prolonging the inevitable.

Disclaimer: George owns all the characters, etc. Thanks to Mae for for the inspiration.

Notes: This fic was inspired by songs from the magnificent album "The Everglow" by Mae. Listening to the songs/reading the lyrics will definitely enhance the story. And the overall length of this story depends on how many people care what happens, so please review if you'd like to see more.

This is also my first attempt at a K/J romance and my first shot at a first-person narrative, so… yeah.

And all italicized phrases are mental communication..

PART ONE: The Ocean

-Kyp Durron-

Man, my shoulder is killing me.

And tonight, I have to sleep through a raging thunderstorm, alone, on this uncomfortable, tiny-ass bed. Then, with little to no motivation for doing so, I'll wake up tomorrow and fight for my life, yet again.

It's not like this is a foreign lifestyle for me. It just doesn't usually bother me so much. But right now, between the heavy beating of rain on the roof, the thunder cracking and making the lights dim every couple of minutes and the ache in my shoulder, I feel entitled to a few minutes of whining about my pathetic life.

On the flip side, I actually couldn't be more pleased to be a bachelor this evening. If I had to share this tiny-ass bed with somebody else's ass, it would be altogether too much to handle.

Although having a woman worth fighting for in my life would give me more motivation to get up in the morning, at the moment, I don't feel like dealing with any living creature but myself. (And honestly, even that is asking a lot.) Between leading my Dozen and being swamped by Jedi business and living under the constant threat of the Vong, I'm just vaping tired; physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Even here, in this familiar sanctuary, I can't really rest. My nerves are still edgy from the skirmish and this jungle rain feels more menacing and malevolent than steady and relaxing.

The rain is scattering mild breezes over the surface, but the jungle is still humid as ever. I'd open the front door, but the violence of the storm whistling through these rooms would rack my nerves more than I'm willing to sacrifice.

I'm not expecting company tonight. You'd have to be crazy to try to trek through this storm in the dark. And most of the Dozen is sealed up for the night in the student dorms, a quarter of a mile into camp. I took a quick shower and pulled on an eye shirt and some cut off flight pants.

I walked away from the sleeping quarters, up into the front part of the administrative rooms. I checked all the computers and was sitting down to run a diagnostic on some hardware when I heard a sharp rap at the front door. I cursed under my breath before reaching out with the Force and sensing…

"Solo?"

So much for my quiet evening.

I ran to the front of the cabin and threw open the door.

"Gods, Jaina what are you doing here?" I quickly pulled her inside. She looked as if she'd been wandering around outside for hours.

"I can't sleep in there." She mumbled. "I—I just had to get out."

Her dark hair was plastered to her head and her face glistened with water droplets. Her brown cloak was soaked black by the rain and her boots, covered in mud.

She looked amazing.

But her presence felt violently wounded. Outwardly, she was fairly calm, but inside—turbulent; more disturbed than I've felt her in years.

"Are you-- okay? You're not hurt, are you?"

I brushed rain from her cheek and tilted her face up to look through her expression and into her soul--

And was instantly sorry I'd spoken.

Behind her facade, Jaina was destroyed. Absolutely ravaged. My hand slipped back down to my side. She stabbed me with her gaze, but answered my question quietly.

"I'm not injured, no."

"Yeah, well, this Yavin dew is just a little heavier than usual tonight." I mumbled, sheepishly. "I'll get you a towel, hold on." I tore my gaze away from her long enough to grab the driest of the two towels in the fresher.

Jaina's very soul was darkened by the war. Countless battles ripped away all that was left of her innocence, and also deprived her of a normal adolescence. The loss of two brothers and a number of friends over the past few months took the expected toll. Jaina was no longer the arrogant, obnoxiously fearless, teenage daughter of the man who practically adopted me. But she was still a fierce combatant and a passionate leader…

And standing there soaked and wretched and vulnerable and beautiful, she'd never felt less like a sister to me.

When I returned, she'd shed her cloak and was working her way out of her boots. Her green flight pants were splashed with raindrops and her sleeveless, black flight suit top did a fine job of accentuating every curve of her torso. I ran a hand through my own damp hair as I approached, banishing my initial reaction to her into the depths of Yavin IV. She dropped her boots, socks and weapon belt near the door and accepted the towel, barely meeting my eyes.

"Gods, where is your boyfriend now?" I wondered, forcing down my disgust toward Jagged Fel for the lack of his presence in this situation. But her voice interrupted my disdainful thoughts.

"Why are you sleeping here and not with the Dozen?" she asked softly, still not meeting my gaze.

"I wanted to check on some diagnostic stuff. And truth be told, I needed a moment away from the Dozen to pull myself together."

She didn't say anything for a long moment. Then she sighed, quietly, but heavily and moved toward the computer room.

"Well, I won't disturb your solitude. I'll be up here."

"Hey, no! No. Come back here." I grabbed her hand instinctively to pull her back into the sleeping quarters.

Her eyes fell on our hands and I watched her face as she looked at them. My fingertips burned at her touch, but I slammed a heavy door on my rising emotions. This was no time to entertain old feelings, and certainly no time to add confusion to a mess of other powerful emotions. We'd held hands a few times before, and it was always just electric enough to be awkward. But this time, she didn't even flinch at my touch. Something was seriously wrong.

"What's going on, Goddess?"

"Everything-- hurts, Kyp..."

She didn't think or say anything else. I turned her to face me, taking both of her hands in mine, and gently brushed her mind. I felt the raging turmoil of emotions about the war, about Jag, about her family, about Anakin—but mostly about Jacen. Her twin brother's presence made up a sizable part of her own life force. I reached out in the Force and was grieved to feel a perceivable hole in her very essence.

I knew the terror of battle. I knew the heartache of hopelessness, the agony of loneliness and the intense pain of losing family. But for the first time in my life, I felt not bitter, but grateful that my life had led me to the place where I could comfort someone as dear to me as Jaina Solo. Looking at her face, the pain of losing my own brother returned abruptly and powerfully.

"I understand."

Much to my surprise, she forcefully dropped my hands—and exploded.

"No, you don't understand, okay!" she growled, her voice wavering and increasing in volume. Her anger flared as a clap of thunder rumbled over the cabin.

"Don't even pretend to understand! You cannot fix this! Don't lie to make me feel better!"

I froze, feeling a sense of dread as her lower lip began to tremble uncontrollably. "Jaina…"

"Kyp, there is a black hole burning inside of me…" she continued. "Where there was once life and courage and strength, there is now death and darkness. My whole life, I have had brothers," her voice cracked. "I have never been isolated like this--- especially not from Jacen—and now-- now I am completely--"

No rain from any sky in the Universe will ever match the downpour that I witnessed at the moment when I brought Jaina Solo into my arms.

There's something about holding a sobbing woman in your arms that's incredibly sobering for any man. But when that woman is a public pillar of strength and ferocity, watching her break down is surreal and terrifying. I would have traded my soul in that moment to console her. But she could not be consoled.

Nevertheless, I wrapped my arms around her petite frame, surprised to find that she didn't shove me away, but fell limp against my chest, racked with tears. I felt her pain seeping out slowly, like beads of boiling water hissing over the side of a superheated pot. Holding that pain and anger inside was weakening her, killing her. Although she would never ask it of anyone (especially not me), I knew she needed to unload on someone who cared about her, someone strong enough to share her agony.

I knew how she must loathe that feeling of desperation-- but she wouldn't have come here tonight for any other reason. She was at the end of her line and she needed my strength. She needed me.

My own exhaustion had long since slipped out the back of my mind and I began to silently coax her to let me in; to let me transcend the iron walls around the depths of her heart. I had no idea what would happen to me if she actually let her guard down, but I knew that if she'd just stop fighting me, our mysterious, war-forged Force bond would take care of the rest.

However, Jaina was not one to submit easily, and she fought me for a few moments. But the hope that had held her up for so long slowly seeped away and ultimately, she was too exhausted to resist.

I shivered inwardly as I felt her hands slide down my chest and circle my waist. But all pleasure was dispelled as suddenly and excruciatingly, the hot dagger of her pain burned into my body. She began to tremble uncontrollably and her agony smashed into me like an iron fist in my gut. I couldn't stop tears from streaming out of my own eyes as her despair over Jacen and Anakin morphed from a heated sliver into a boiling, raging river of liquid anguish. I was overwhelmed. I felt my knees quiver slightly as I struggled to hold her steady and channel all of the emotions. I swore inaudibly at my moment of weakness. But she heard me anyway, felt the shift and immediately tried to recoil.

"I'm sorry…"

"No!" I said sharply, cradling her face in my hand and pulling her back toward my chest. "You stay right here. You have to let this go."

She shook her head slowly. "No, let me go--"

"Go where?"

She's pushed against my chest. "Please, Kyp…"

"Where else are you gonna go, Jaina? To who?"

"Kyp," she gasped through tears. "I'll take care of myself. Just let--"

"Jaina!"

I held her by her shoulders, inches from my chest. She closed her mouth, the volume of my voice having startled her slightly. She was still trembling, but she stiffened quickly—and the walls I'd just penetrated suddenly re-materialized.

The woman could make a fortune in construction.

She finally looked up at me, with defeated, bloodshot eyes, frightened of what she might say if she parted her lips again. Verbal communication ceased for a moment and I pushed damp hair from her face, gently prodding her mind, pleading with her to trust me, to let me back in. She dropped my gaze and denied me again and again—but her resolve was so weak. I didn't understand! There was a time when she enjoyed inflicting pain on me-- why was she so intent on keeping it to herself now?

"Why are you shutting me out!"

I felt her emotions swell. I sensed her holding back what she wanted to say. But at that point, she was far too exhausted to keep a filter on herself. She finally glanced up at me-- and her eyes overflowed.

"Because if I don't-- I'll hurt you-- and then you'll be gone too."

My heart shattered.

I reached out and pulled her entire body into my arms. She didn't resist. I felt her wet hair and face against my chest.

"Jaina…" I whispered, just above her ear. "I swear, you won't hurt me."

Gathering every ounce of my strength in the Force, I stood to my full height, and keeping my grip on her petite waist, inwardly commanded the blazing emotions to calm to a simmer and be extinguished. I blinked deliberately, before taking her tearstained face in my hand and meeting her eyes, proving how ready and willing I was to devour round two of her breakdown.

"I've got you, Goddess. I won't let you fall."

I believed him.

It was impossible not to…