Category:
Gundam Wing
Rating: PG-13+ for adult themes
Author:
Lucy the Wandering Assassin (AKA Fishie)
Disclaimer: Gundam
Wing is the property of Bandai and Sotsu Agency. I claim no
ownership, and no profit is being made from this work of
fiction.
Spoilers: The outcome of the war, and a prison
scene
Genre: General. Mental instability and some
weirdness. Deathfic
Progress: Finished
General Notes: This
work of fiction was concocted despite my unwilling muse. There isn't
much for me to say, aside from the fact that it is somewhat weird and
inconclusive.
Thanks to: My friend J for encouraging me
to write despite my lack of ideas.
Music: Gladiator OST;
Braveheart OST; Spirited Away OST
Dedications: To all
writers suffering from writer's block. May this weird little piece
inspire you (or send you reeling in aversion) at what can be done
without a functioning muse.
Summary: Heero Yuy - Preventer
agent and ex-war veteran - is admitted into a mental institute after
unspeakable traumatizing events. To treat him is the young Dr. Quatre
Winner who has been praised as the institute's best when it came to
psychotic soldiers.
Dementia
In early August, Preventer agent and ex-war veteran Heero Yuy was admitted into Fitzpatrick Mental Institute, an exclusive institute especially for mentally unstable military personnel, at the age of twenty-two. His case was assigned to Dr. Quatre Winner, a young doctor who has been praised as one of the institute's best.
15th August
It has been two weeks since Heero first arrived here, and so far, he is showing no signs of improving. His bouts of psychosis are random, with no apparent causes, and range from incoherent mutterings to himself to dangerous attacks on himself, the orderlies and his fellow inmates. We have since moved him to a private room with twenty-four hour surveillance, in the event that something goes wrong. His last violent fit was three days ago, and he has not been awake since.
17th August
Heero finally awoke again today, although he was not himself. He was muttering under his breath, and completely ignored the orderlies who attended to him. He is rejecting food, although I much believe that it is because he cannot see what is being placed before him. I am convinced that Heero –despite his apparent consciousness – is oblivious to his surroundings. The only times he has shown any connection with his environment is earlier today when an orderly attempted to change his clothing. He had responded most violently, and pushed the orderly across the room, although further examination of the sequence on tape proved that he had not been looking at the orderly at all. It is my belief that it was merely a reflex action to the stimulus of being touched by a possible danger, and advise all other orderlies to be careful with what they do around the man.
19th August
(Recording transposed
by T. Barton)
Heero: It's all my
fault…I should not have…there were so many things that…why? I
was so foolish, so… (Incoherent muttering). He would still be
alive…if only…if only…
Dr. Winner: If only
what?
Heero: (Silence)
Dr. Winner: Heero?
Heero: (Silence)
Dr. Winner: Can you
hear me Heero?
Heero: You killed him!
(Sound of springs
groaning; chair smashes; shouts)
21st August
He has been prone to excessive violence over the past few days. It is advised that the dosage of sedatives be increased.
25th August
He has been strongly sedated today after another violent fit where he threw an orderly out the window, then attempted to cut himself with a particularly large piece of glass from the broken window. The orderly suffered a broken wrist from before he was thrown, and a minor leg injury. He has been reassigned to the ground floor.
27th August
He was surprisingly aware when he woke up today. He asked an orderly for some water, and drank it without fuss when the request was granted. He also asked for a pen and a jotter pad, and has since been writing. He greeted me when I went in to check on him in the afternoon, but refused to release the details of what he was writing. We had a conversation about cars, where he pointed out the differences between the engines of many models of cars. When I asked him whether he knew where he was, he simply responded with "hospital". There was no surprise or alarm or uncertainty in his voice. I must express my own shock at his behavior, but it appeared that he was completely fine. I am watching him on the surveillance television as I write this report, and it appears that he is still writing on the jotter pad after completely forty-five pages since this morning. The orderly just came in a moment ago, and he requested another glass of water, an apple, and for the window in his room to be opened slightly so there would be more air. I request an increase in the security outside his window.
28th August
He has not yet awoken after falling asleep just before four A.M. this morning. I skimmed over his jotter pad when I visited this morning, and must profess my surprise when I realized it was a very detailed report on his life since the war. In my brief skim over the pages, I saw many mentions of a "best friend" whose name was never mentioned. I would have read more, but even in sleep, he appears to be very protective of his belongings, and soon tugged the pad out of my grasp and held it to his chest. As anxious as I may be to find out some actual background about what might have caused his current mental state, I dare not remove that which is keeping him momentarily sane.
31st August
Heero seems largely attached to his jotter pad and writing. He has been writing on and off for four days now, and has asked for more paper when his previous jotter pad ran out. Despite having finished an entire pad, he is still unwilling to let me see it. We have had several other conversations since he became aware of his surroundings, mostly about things of little consequence. I tried to ask him about his best friend at one point, however his writing stopped and the glare he gave me when I did was more than enough to frighten me into rethinking over my approach. Aside from that, Heero Yuy has shown no signs of aggression since he began to write.
3rd September
Heero has been awake for the past eighty hours and counting. When the orderlies approached him with sleeping pills, he declined them; and when they offered him food with ground up pills, he took only one small taste to discern that there were foreign agents in the food that he did not wish to take, and promptly threatened to "overreact and hurt somebody" if he was not left alone. I realize it may not be in the best interest of his bodily heath, however, it seems to be helping his psyche. He has become much more connected and much less irritable within the past week, and I am reluctant to retard any progress with this one considering how long it took for him to settle down. I am also begging that the department give me some more information regarding his background. There may be something there that might help with this case.
4th
September
(Recording transposed
by T. Barton)
Dr. Winner: Hello
Heero.
Heero: (Scratching
noises of a pen scribbling hurriedly over a piece of paper) Hello.
Dr. Winner: How are you
feeling today?
Heero: About as well as
I felt yesterday and the day before that.
Dr. Winner: Chuckles
Living in this room must become a bit of a drag after a while.
Heero: Yes, but it is
necessary. I've seen the cameras and voice recorders around the
room, seen the guards patrolling outside my door and below my window.
I understand I am dangerous, and have concluded from the careful air
surrounding the orderlies and you that I have shown aggression
previously. Therefore, I will make no demands save that you supply me
with paper, a new pen, and food and water at regular intervals that
has not been drugged.
Dr. Winner: O-Of
course.
Heero: You are shocked
that I know these things. I am surprised that you did not. Are you
not the psychologist here? The one whose job is to enter my mind and
find out what is growing there?
Dr. Winner: (Chuckles)
I suppose you are correct, however, it would be the job of an
oncologist to deal with any abnormal growths in your brain.
Heero: My mistake, Dr.
Winner.
6th September
Heero had a bout of insanity this morning when he tried to stab himself with his pen. The orderlies and guards rushed in immediately and restrained him, although I must profess my shock at his sheer strength. Although I have seen it previously, I can still little believe how strong this man is. One would not realize from his small stature that it would take six trained guards and three orderlies to hold him down. He was sedated not long after, and has been sleeping ever since. Still, I am uncertain why his condition suddenly worsened, nor can I safely say why he became insane in the first place. Once again, I request that the department grant me access to his history.
7th
September
(Recording transposed
by T. Barton)
Heero: I'm sorry! I'm
so sorry! Please…please don't go! Come…come back…I didn't
mean it, I swear I didn't! Give me another chance…please…don't
leave! Come back! Please, please I beg of you! Come back…come
back…I…give me another chance! Don't…don't…no, please
don't walk out tha-stop! Cries Come back! Don't…don't
go…don't leave me. I didn't mean it! I swear I didn't! I-
(sobbing)
(Silence)
8th September
The patient has been
suffering from reoccurring nightmares, all of which concerns somebody
leaving. I am uncertain why he has suddenly begun to sleep talk,
however, he has been doing it every night since his last violent
moment. His conscious times have been productive, and I find myself
becoming steadily intrigued by this young man. From what one hears at
night, one is almost expecting a small, lonely child, frightened that
his best friend is leaving him. But during the day, Heero Yuy is the
epitome of control. He does not smile, does not laugh, nor does he
show any strong emotions at all. When he speaks, he speaks with a
collected and suppressed enthusiasm, and when he is listening, his
face becomes a mask of indifference until he hears something worth
expressing an emotion for. His blue eyes are almost always closed,
not literally, but they are almost always cold. Even when his face is
pulled into a frown, his eyes are still cold.
He has thus far gone
through six eighty page jotter pads, and is stacking them on his
bedside table. He does not leave them there for reading however, and
remains very protective of his writing. Nobody is allowed to read or
touch them, and he hides them under his pillow when he sleeps. That
is yet another abnormality, Heero's sleeping habits. When he
sleeps, unless under the influence of drugs, it is always a wary
sleep that has him jolting awake at the slightest noise. I believe
this is, amongst other things, a habit acquired from his days as a
soldier.
Once again, I am
insisting that the department grant me access to his past. I am
becoming increasingly frustrated at being denied access to my
patient's files, especially when his psychosis seems to be rather
strongly attached to his time serving.
10th
September
(Test conducted by Dr.
Q Winner; recorded by T. Barton)
Dr. Winner: Heero, I am
going to show you several pictures, and I would like you to tell me
what you see.
Heero: Okay.
Dr. Winner holds up
Card A.
Heero: Blue ink
splattered on a piece of white paper.
Dr. Winner: Heero, you
must be creative. Tell me what your mind sees, once you get past the
"ink on paper" business.
Heero: A butterfly.
Dr. Winner holds up
Card B.
Heero: A…mask? But
it's broken…shattered at the top.
Dr. Winner holds up
Card C
Heero: Two people
having dinner.
Dr. Winner: What
gender?
Heero: Does it truly
matter?
Dr. Winner: Yes.
Heero: Fine, two women
having dinner.
Dr. Winner holds up
Card D
Heero: Looks like an
animal rug.
Dr. Winner holds up
Card E
Heero: A bat, but it
looks like it has some snapping creature attached to its wings.
Dr. Winner holds up
Card F
Heero: I do not see the
point in these pictures. Do they really help you understand my
psyche?
Dr. Winner: It could.
Some doctors find this test horribly inaccurate, but I thought that
we might has well try it anyway, just to see what sort of interesting
explanations your mind ends up drawing to all these images.
Heero: If you insist,
well, I have no clue. What does that tell you? I have no imagination?
Dr. Winner: Please
don't get angry Heero. I understand this may seem tedious to you,
but I would rather if you continued cooperating for just a moment
longer.
Heero: I don't see
anything.
Dr. Winner holds up
Card G
Dr. Winner: How about
this one?
Heero: I'm not
sure…some sort of unusual cloud I suppose.
Dr. Winner holds up
Card H
Heero: There's a war
going on at the top of the picture, you can see the projectile
weapons here moves forward to point. The rest of it, I'm not so
sure…
Dr. Winner holds up
Card I
Heero: (Rapid movement
away) Get it away!
Dr. Winner: Now Heero,
please calm down.
Heero: Appears
frightened, hides behind desk Get it away! Take it away! Starts
swinging his chair around
Dr. Winner: Guards!
12th September
Although I am rather
skeptical about the Rorschach test, and often the responses given
seem perfectly normal to me, but has been supposedly interpreted as
abnormal. However, Heero Yuy's responses does leave one troubled.
In all my four years as a psychologist for this institution, I have
never once come across so…powerful a response. He was genuinely
frightened when I showed him the final card, and could not be
restrained until he was given a strong shot of sedatives.
He has recovered, and
has returned to writing. When I saw him yesterday, he enchanted me
with an in-depth report about one his missions during the war. In
particular, he mentioned his partner Duo Maxwell who has never
previously come up in conversation. He told of Maxwell's joker
personality, and his tendency to exaggerate things. In the mission he
was telling me about, it seemed that Maxwell had been captured by Oz
forces, and he was rushing to retrieve his comrade. He told of his
mission parameters as killing Maxwell and leaving, and how he had
blatantly defied orders when he returned to base with Maxwell slung
over his shoulder.
I ran a search on Duo
Maxwell, but returned nothing. I am certain there is information
about Duo Maxwell, and this is one of the reasons why the department
has been constantly denying my requests for Heero Yuy's background.
Consider this yet another request.
17th September
Heero is showing steady improvement. He is sleeping normally now, and his EEG results showed no abnormalities in brain activity. During the day, he is very proper, if not rather anti-social. I believe that he should be allowed to move into a communal room in due time.
21st September
Heero has finished his almost month long writing endeavor, and has finally concluded his bout of writing after seven hundred and twenty two pages of writing. I was surprised when he offered the stack of notes, with his only explanation that he would no longer need it. He did not ask me to read it, but did request that I publish it. When I asked why, he did not reply.
25th September
Heero is being moved
out of twenty-four hour surveillance, considering his behavior over
the past month. He is still staying in his private room, although the
security has been greatly decreased. I understand that this must be
the head of department's decision after reading my reports,
however, I do not think that the security should be lifted so
absolutely. Regardless of all else, Heero Yuy is still a mental
patient, and I would rather like it if he did not have the
possibility of escaping. I understand that most of the security has
been moved to patrol outside Captain Wufei Chang's room, however, I
would like to remind head of department that this case is not even
close to over yet.
I have begun reading
the stack of papers Heero gave me. So far, there has been no mention
of names so to speak. He has named people as only "Best Friend"
and "Dragon" and "Space Heart". There were a few mentions of
"Shinigami", and research has landed me with the Japanese God of
Death. I apologize for being unproductive, but my analysis thus far
of his writing has yielded me little else.
28th September
We finally allowed Heero out of his room today. The security on him was outrageously frugal for someone who could potentially win a fight against eight men. However, there were no incidents, which I suppose must be what the head of department was expecting. Heero was very tranquil throughout the entire day, and spoke very little. However, there have been subtle changes. His posture is now more relaxed, and the tenseness in his shoulders has vanished. His blue eyes are more expressive, and he even smiled. I admit that he is progressing nicely, although I have know just as little now as I did when I first started working on his case.
30th
September
(Recording transcribed
by T. Barton)
Dr. Winner: Who is
Shinigami?
Heero: My best friend.
Dr. Winner: And who is
your best friend.
Heero: It doesn't
matter anymore. I will be with him again soon.
Dr. Winner: How?
Heero: He is waiting
for me Quatre, waiting for me in Elysium.
Dr. Winner: Elysium?
Heero: Yes Quatre, Duo
is waiting for me there.
Dr. Winner: Duo
Maxwell?
Heero: He is waiting
for Space Heart as well, Space Heart and Dragon and the Lion Tamer.
Dr. Winner: Those are
people from your story.
Heero: I can't use
their real names, but the fake names would do. Please see to it that
it is published Quatre, and maybe someday, you will understand.
1st November
I cannot berate myself
enough for how stupid I was. Elysium, the home of the blessed after
death. I should have known, should have upped the warning, but I did
not. I failed him, failed him more than I can say. It bothers me even
more that, even now, as I sit here writing this report while Heero's
body enters the furnace, I do not know the story of Heero Yuy. I know
there is more to his final conversation with me than what I
interpreted, and yet I can never be sure because he is no longer
here.
I have solved a section
of the puzzle though. Duo Maxwell, the Best Friend and Shinigami,
died according to Heero's account only two months prior to him
being admitted to this institution. Apparently they had gotten into
an argument over something that Heero remembered, but Duo did not.
Heero had called him a liar, and Duo had stormed out in a fit of
rage, apparently due to his own betrayal that his best friend would
call him such a thing. There is more to this story than I know, but I
do not suppose we will ever find out. Regardless, Maxwell went into a
fit of rage and overindulged in alcohol at a bar before attempting to
return home, despite his intoxication. He never made it back, and
Heero has been blaming himself for the death.
The other names are
still mysteries to me, and I do not suppose I will ever find out. I
have received word that I am to attend to Captain Wufei Chang, since
his previous doctor was reassigned. It seems that the captain has
been suffering from random bouts of violence, similar to Heero's
condition. I do not understand why the department has ordered me to
do it however, considering that my last patient ended up slitting his
wrists with broken glass. I was rather hoping for a break before
resuming work again.
7th November
Despite my reluctance, it appears that the department was unrelenting and I now find myself working on Captain Wufei Chang's case. Regardless, I do hope that the department would be more helpful this time around. Perhaps that way, we can save a soldier instead of letting him die.
Endnotes:
Inconclusive, I know. Well, I'll leave you to draw up your own conclusions I suppose. A side note is that the ink blot test (Rorschach test) is something that used to be implemented widely by psychologists, however, the controversy regarding its accuracy eventually led to it being used less and less. When I was writing about it, I went on the internet and found a site that had ten different plates, with an explanation down the side of what you should see and what you shouldn't. Heero's responses were almost all my own responses, and I neglected one plate due to my inability to see anything in it (I also cut the responses down so that it was only one per plate, mostly because I understood the question first as to name what you see first and only what you see first (cough)). I must also make the note that I can see why this test is no longer widely used. According to it, Heero in this story(and hence myself mostly) have trouble relating to people, am a homosexual, am hostile, have anxiety, have poor social development, and lets not go into the final plate. I absolutely freaked when I saw that image (it was so messy…), even though it wasn't meant to be scary at all…