Why Me?
Glorfirien
Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor.
Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! Just all of 'em. I seem to be going through them as the team do so unless you see the new episode's you might learn something you don't wanna know. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
Right. Well.
Apparently, there's some higher plan that I'm supposed to be following. Of course, it's being tampered with by the baddies.
…
My life is a bad television show.
How depressing.
I suppose I can deal.
As long as I'm not expected to save the world. Or save someone from imminent doom. Or shoulder any kind of responsibility what-so-ever.
Show of hands. Who thinks that I was brought into another reality, thus proving and disproving various laws and theories, just to sit around and be the SGC's pseudo-oracle?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Think terrible thoughts if I become a Mary-Sue in any way. I'm sure the negative karma will reach me in time to screw me over even further.
Whine whine whine. Goodness, how many times have you moaned and groaned about the lack of excitement in your life? About how you wish you could be hero and make a difference?
Yeah and how many times have I bitched about getting a million bucks? Pay up.
Hardy har.
What is it now? Is the enemy infiltrating the SGC complex as we speak in an effort to do away with me?
Honey, you are not that important.
Gee I feel the love; it's all tingly.
Must you be so caustic?
I must.
You are becoming tedious.
And you are truly heavenly sent if you've put up with me for such an extended amount of time.
Nice one.
I thought so.
No really, have you been practicing?
Does it show?
There is a marked improvement.
I guess practice does make perfect.
Sweetie, only He is perfect.
Yeah well He made and created me so some of the perfection must have rubbed off.
Must you always sidetrack me? Don't answer that!
It's the only amusing pastime I am able to indulge in.
What? Are you actually sick of reading fan fiction?
It all takes on new meaning when the realization that it is actually occurring somewhere, somewhen, someplace. Not fun to read about the angst and torture then.
Easier when it was all hypothetical?
Most things are.
True.
Now, your actual reason for enduring my presence?
There has been a slight change in plans.
Plans? What plans? I don't remember making any plans!
That's because you didn't. Now listen and follow along.
Why do I get the feeling that I'm not going to like this?
Perhaps you might actually be clairvoyant.
This is sooo bad. I mean really bad.
Mitchell's MIA. It's suspected that he's either a POW or KIA.
I have one over the SGC grapevine.
I know he's not dead.
Please. As if he could actually die.
Now the question becomes where he is, who's holding him hostage and when he's getting back.
Bastard still hasn't given me my tiramisu.
It's almost time.
Why the hell did I let you talk me into this?
You want real food?
True. Mmmm….tofu(1).
All right let's leave the beef bulgogi thoughts for when you're actually out of this place.
What am I supposed to do again?
…
You're kidding.
Nope.
…
Follow my explicit instructions. Otherwise, I guarantee you'll be caught and spend the rest of your time incarcerated with worse food and no internet.
Lead on Macduff. (2)
You do know it's 'Lay on' not 'Lead on'?
Duh. I did participate in the play. But, since we're not fighting I find the mistake appropriate.
Just do as I say.
Ay ay capitan!
…
So why am I actually getting away with walking bolding through the halls?
There's a glitch in the surveillance system.
And no one has noticed this?
They have bigger problems.
And they think this problem is the cause of their camera situation?
Precisely.
So, is it a right or a left?
Right.
My right or your right?
My right is your right.
Do you actually have a right?
Just...stop.
Right.
Please.
Okay okay. Now, I get that Big Brother (3) Walter isn't watching as I traipse around the SGC without my usual babysitter but why isn't there anyone in the halls? And how am I supposed to access the doors without the card thingy? And how am I going to get in the elevator and up top without being spotted? Or get out there period considering that we're probably on lock-down? And if I do manage all that just how am I getting away from the mountain without being made?
Faith.
Oh you've brought Faith? Is Xander here too? (4)
Look, just do as I say. Have faith and pray. Know that He has His ways. Plus, this place does have stairs.
You want me to scale twenty something stories of stairs? You must be aligned with the dark side.
Stop on this level.
Why?
You can use the elevator.
Why now?
It's out of order.
An how does that help…oh….OH! Man, He so rocks.
Doesn't He?
Isn't NORAD occupying the top levels though?
They're restricted to their offices. No unnecessary trips until they have the order.
I don't have to walk into Colorado Springs do I?
You should have to. American teenagers. You're all so lazy and spoiled.
And? We're a product of society. Blame the government.
Up this shaft.
Oh man. A ladder?
Get to climbing.
You look ridiculous with that taped to you.
Whatever. I'm climbing. Plus, it has all my clothes and my manga and comics and anime. I just got these. I am not leaving without them. and don't you think it was cool how I comandeered some plastic bags from the restroom to aid me in my nefarious purpose?
Why didn't you just ask for a pack?
Suspicious much? Asking for duct tape to secure the bags to my belt loopswas easier. Besides, it works. This stuff was good enough for MacGuyver. Plus, it has been postulated that it holds the universe together. Considering that I've proven one theory right I wouldn't discount it. Now what? I'm in the middle of a forest.
North.
Which way is north?
Your left.
And then?
Then you'll reach the parking lot, it's a good mile away from the mountain.
We're stealing a car? What ever happened to "thou shalt not steal"?
We are not stealing a car. You are commandeering a vehicle with every intention of returning it.
Stop stealing Jack's lines only I can do that. (4) Urgh. I've sweated through my shirt. Isn't the lot monitored?
Remotely. The cameras are down remember? You need to be quick before the situation is over, you're found missing and they send out the dogs.
Which car? And how the hell am I supposed to get one? It's not as if anyone leaves their car door unlocked and their key in the ignition.
Silver Honda next to the black Tundra and the red BMW.
You're kidding. What idiot left their door open?
The key is in the zippered pencil pouch in the glove compartment.
Seriously. Who's car am I "commandeering".
Dr. Lee. The man may be a genius but he has serious problems about remembering the mundane details. He'd forget his keys otherwise.
I'm not exactly overjoyed at this prospect. What if I get pulled over? I don't exactly have a license.
No one will notice his car missing until he leaves which won't be for hours. That is,as long asyou're not discovered missing for awhile. Which might take awhile considering that I had you remove the bugs from your clothing. When they do they'll probably do a base wide search and it won't be some time until they realize you actually made it out. Hopefully we'll have ditched the car by then.
And I was actually starting to like those guys. If I weren't such a pragmatist I would've ditched the clothing. Just imagining them going through my things…Well, here's hoping I don't get pulled over. Where am I going anyway?
You'll need whatever money you have left.
Can't they trace me if I make a withdrawal?
Yes. But if we time this right you'll have the money and be gone before they notice.
Then…Lord please guide me and keep me safe.
Amen.
Stop here.
Why?
Just park.
Now what?
Get out and walk around the corner. There's a garage sale.
A garage sale?
Just do it.
How can I buy anything? I have no money.
Inside of the pencil pouch. Lee has a hundred dollar emergency fund.
Sweet.
Now what?
Grab the black duffel.
What else?
That tube of lipstick.
Eww. Used lipstick.
Suck it up. You can't go into a store, they have cameras.
All right. Is that it?
Look into the orange bin.
What am I looking for exactly?
That black pencil skirt.
Whoa. It actually looks like it fits.
The long coat and the flats.
Anything else?
The white shirt obviously. And that blue leash and collar set.
Leash? Never mind. I don't wanna know.
"That will be fifty four dollars. My sister's things, she left them here before she moved to Florida. Silly brat wanted a whole new wardrobe."
I handed her three twenties, took my change and left.
Go in here.
Are you crazy? There's a 'Beware of Dog' sign.
They're on vacation. The dog's in a kennel.
Now go behind those bushes and change. No one will see you.
What look are you going for exactly?
Hush. Leave the coat off. Pull down your hair, take off your glasses and apply the lipstick. Put your stuff in the duffel.
You know I'm not going to look any older. Besides, I do need the glasses to drive.
The clothing is superficial. You have to walk and act differently. Shoulders back and a slight sway in your hips.
You're insane.
Look sweetie, you may have some pounds of flab but you have definitely got big boobs and wide hips. Not to mention a big butt. If they get the attention then your face won't. So suck it in!
…
Aww…you're blushing.
Shut up.
Where am I going now?
First of all, put all your belongings in the duffel. Now drive three streets over.
What now?
Pull over.
Again?
Look ahead.
I'll get the leash and collar.
He won't bite.
I'm surprised he hasn't been picked up yet. No collar but he is a lovely golden retriever. Looks expensive.
His name is Homer.
"Hello Homer," I murmured as I collared and leashed the complacent dog, his tail wagged violently and he licked my face.
"Stoppit Homer! What kind of person names a beauty like you Homer anyways? No account for taste."
And what would you have named him?
Helios, Hyperion, Apollo or Cerberus. (5) Aurelius maybe…no Aureus.
How pagan of you.
What? Should I name him Lucifer?
Just get him into the car.
Can do.
Now, on to the nearest ATM.
Perhaps it was premeditated, maybe even celestially designed, whatever the case it was during a meeting between SG-1, 3 and General Landry that the nondescript Airman entered with the pressing news.
"Airman?" General Landry said nothing else but his tone conveyed multiple messages; prominent among them was annoyance and the urging that whatever it was had better be important for the airman's sake.
"Sir, the subject known as Cindy Cardenas has escaped."
A pause.
A moment of pure and complete silence before the room descended into chaotic questions.
"Since when has she been missing!" Landry's thunderous bellow quieted them.
"Adams, her guard, returned her to her assigned room after lunch and she had not been seen since. The situation occurred and it was not until dinner that Richardson entered the room only to find that she was not in residence."
"Get search teams together, I want this base searched from top to bottom then again from bottom to top," he ordered.
Mitchell nodded and motioned for Teal'c and SG-3 to follow him from the room.
"Col. Carter, how likely is it that she actually left the base?"
"Not very likely sir, if she is a normal human girl like her test results suggest."
"Then go to our surveillance system and find where she went," he instructed.
She exited to do so.
"Don't say it," Landry warned as he saw that Jackson was going to make a comment. "Help Mitchell or Carter. I have a phone call to make."
"Sir?" Hernandez, the unfortunate airman,almst winced at the glare he was receiving. Damn Richardson for pulling rank and making him deliver the news to the general.
"She left a note," he fled as soon as he was dismissed.
Daniel prepared to make a comment, thought better of it when he was targeted by Landry's glare and instead decided tomake a tactical retreat. He had learned something working almost a decade with the military.
Landry groaned as he read the note, "I did warn the President."
He had a call to make.
"What do you have?" Landry questioned.
"We have her returning from lunch and entering her room at 11h49. The entirety of the incident with Khalek began at 0900 and did not end until 1900. During that time, surveillance was randomly affected; the longest of these period was at 1300 when, we believe was when Cardenas made her escape," Carter informed the gathered group soberly.
"Nothing else? Anything at all to indicate how a nineteen year old college freshman escaped from a heavily secured government facility!"
"She emptied out the account General O'Neill set up for her at 16h24. Mitchell and a team went to search the area where the withdrawal was made," she was halted from continuing by the phone.
"Landry," the general answered curtly. "You're sure? How?…You're serious?" He hung up.
"It seems that Ms. Cardenas made away with Dr. Lee's car," he notified his listeners.
"How is that possible?" Daniel mused.
"It seems that Dr. Lee left the door open and the key in the glove compartment," Landry replied scathingly.
The group exchanged disbelieving and bewildered glances.
"How was she able to ascertain that Dr. Lee's vehicle would be so easily accessible?" Teal'c inquired.
"She checked every single car?" Daniel quipped.
"We have a day people," he continued at their questioning looks, "Then the NID takes over the search and she becomes their problem."
"Give me something." Landry ordered.
"Well you can tell Dr. Lee that he can drive home tonight."
"You found the car?"
"We found the car."
"Was she in it?"
"That's a negative. Though..."
"What?"
"She left aletter sir."
"A letter."
"Well...letters. Plural."
"And they were addressed to?"
"Myself, Dr. Jackson, Dr. Lee, General O'Neill, Airmen Adams and Richardson and Dr. Taylor."
"Anything else? Do you have any other lead?"
"No...the trail's stone cold. I think she wanted the car to be found."
"Why is that?"
"She parked in front of a fire hydrant sir."
"Get back to base."
Well, you're on your own now.
Now? Why now? C'mon, without you I'll be caught in minutes.
Hey, free will. I can't make all your decisions for you.
How about I make the free choice to listen to your wisdom and glide through this ordeal?
How about no?
Meanie.
Sara?
Okay. I'm alone. Wonderful.
I need to find the yellow pages. I have a hankering for some Korean BBQ.
A whine caught my attention.
"But I guess I should feed you first huhHomer? Poor baby. I wonder how long you've been without food. But what can I get you? I don't think a store will let you in with me and I don't want to leave you by yourself, you're too pretty by half…"
Hmmm…
"C'mon Homer let's go to the park."
Mmmm. Hot dogs.
It's not tofu but I'm starved and so is Homer.
"You shouldn't feed him junk," I looked up to see a teen who looked just about my age.
"Well, I don't have anything else to give him. I just found him today and decided to come to the closest park and see if anyone recognized him," I answered quickly without mentioning anything about using him as a decoy to fake-out the USAF.
"Well I'm glad you did. Homer went missing yesterday," he grinned. Cute guy. Familiar somehow.
"Got any proof?"
He arched an eyebrow, "Beyond the fact that he's almost humping my leg in happiness?"
True, Homer was wagging away like crazy.
"Ah well. Whether he's yours or not you're welcome to the little brat. Much too hyper for my tastes. I'm Cindy." I greeted as I handed him the leash.
"Jah…onathan."
Now I know where I've seen those smirking brown eyes.
"O'Neill?" The word slipped out before I could stop it.
Brown eyes weren't so twinkly now. More like chips of ice.
Shit.
I bolted.
I was lucky enough to make it a couple feet. Flats are not conducive to a quick get away.
Bastard tackled me.
Then he started tickling me. "Hah! Tickle attack! You know you can't run from me Cindy!" He was grinning and speaking in a teasing manner but his eyes were serious. No one noticed anything out of the ordinary.
I can't believe Sara did this to me! She knew! She led me to Homer (the name makes so much sense with Jack's The Simpson's obsession)! When I get my hands on her…
"Let's go home," he ground out sweetly.
"Don't forget my stuff!" I called loudly.
He glared and helped me up, grasping my wrist tightly, handing me Homer's leash and shouldering my duffel.
"Who are you?" he hissed.
"I'm Cindy Cardenas you prick," I countered.
"Who sent you?"
"The voice in my head! Who do you think? No one sent me!"
"Don't lie to me," he growled.
He had led me to an isolated trail. Lots of trees.
"Talk," he ordered.
"Look, some crazy higher being decided to screw with my life and dump me in the middle of the gate room of the SGC where I then saved Daniel's bacon and became the SGC pet. I got tired of it and escaped. I found the damned dog and came to the park for some food and was thinking about how I could get away from this center of insanity without being caught when you came up to me!"
He was searching me, "You're lying. And telling me a story full of crap. Otherwise how the hell would you know who I am!"
Little…grr!
"I met the General! He was cool! He made me his apprentice! Besides, hello alternate realities, I know what happened years ago when Loki decided to play! Now let me go!" I tugged at his arm and lost my footing when nothing gave.
I was going down and taking him with me.
A familiar feeling swept threw me as I was falling and it only registered as I hit hard marble instead of soft dirt where I'd felt that before.
I looked up, into mini-Jack's slightly dazed eyes.
"What the hell?" he hissed as he scrambled up.
I pulled myself up as Homer started to lick my face again.
We had landed right in front of a throne where a serious looking man, the king no doubt as identified by the expensive looking crown,was glaring down at us. Flanking him on his right was an attractive looking man with raven hair, blue eyes and cool looking armor. At his left was a lovely looking woman, the Queen if her matching crown was anything to go by. It was all very medieval, "King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table" looking. Except there were no knights...no wait...there they are, pointing pointy spears at us. But there's no roundtable. Just a rectangular one.
Well shit.
"Where are we!" Jack questioned.
I ignored him.
"Oh god…why me?"
The End
Wow. I'm really late aren't I? Forgive me? I offer this chapter unto the masses in appeal for absolution. (laughs). I told you guys the end was near. I just didn't say how near. Mostly because I myself didn't know. I can't get over how short his is. I mean, it's the end! I jam packed this chapter with stuff…well not really me but Sara and Cindy really wanted away from the Stargate universe, they felt superfluous. Poor babies. I kind of felt that the last parts, with Landry and SG-1 were sort of forced, I can't do military protocol; I'm sorry. Please tell me if I succeeded in any manner. If not, tell me how wrong I am and why.
Well, next is either a pseuso-espistle companion fic to Why Me? where I write out all the letters/notes that I mention in this chapter or some short one-shot companion pieces to Why Me? that your reviews generated. Maybe both?
Be on the look out for the teaser of Why Me?'s sequel which I will tentatively be titling Oh For Cryin' Out Loud! Which has yet to be outlined or even considered.
Remember, reviews not only make me happy but guilty (and guilt is a wonderful motivator). I love reviews they show me you care. If people care then I care, my muse cares and she will make sure that Cindy, Mini-Jack and Sara will have adventures this summer.
(1) Tofu…Soon tofu. An Asian soup (Korean my friend tells me) with tofu and any kind of goodies…I prefer beef, mildly spicy. And the beef bulgogi (or boolgoki I think) is just thinly sliced barbequed beef. If any of you come across this I recommend you try it. Very delish. The garbi ribs aren't bad either. But find a nice place, not too expensive. Anyone in S. Cali should try Um's Tofu House in Torrance. They give you soooo many yummy appetizers.
(2)Shakespeare's Macbeth.
(3) Big Brother. You know? George Orwell's 1984?
(4) Faith and Xander from BtVS.
(5) Jack Sparrow. Not Jack O'Neill. Ack POTC:DMC is almost out! Squee!
(6) Helios, Hyperion and Apollo were Sun deities in mythology. Cerberus was the three headed watch dog that guarded the entrance into the Underworld. Think of Fluffy in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Aurelius and Aureus, their meanings have to do with gold.
Glorfirien