Why Me?
Glorfirien
Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Insues. Humor.
Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! First 3 Episodes just to be safe! Definite 'Avalon' spoilers.
Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
I have no frickin clue how it happened.
One second, I'm happily settling down in front of the television with a big bowl of ice cream in my comfy pajamas to begin my Lord of the Rings marathon and the next I'm standing in some kind of big gray cement room staring through the glass at some kind of technical room full of shocked people.
Alarms start blaring and doors open admitting people.
People with guns.
Guns that are pointed at me.
I 'eep' and my bowl of ice cream becomes a victim of gravity. I jump back to avoid the chocolate splatter and fall on my ass.
"Don't shoot!" I shamefully scream and quiver like a girl.
A booming voice sounds over some kind of speaker, "Put her under arrest! Make sure she has no weapons."
I'm approached by two of the guys dressed in green and bite back a whimper as they haul me up.
I look up to the observation room to see a grumpy guy flanked by a yummy looking tall guy and another tasty morsel, both who are obviously too old for me but man a girl can look can't she?
Wait...what the hell is that?
That's not...
I mean...
It couldn't possibly be...
Aww shit.
Lt. Col. Mitchell shook his head, "Never a dull moment."
General Landry glared.
"Well...that's never happened before." Daniel Jackson put in his own input.
The two SGC "newbies" turned to him in question.
He shrugged, "They either come through a Stargate, a quantum mirror, outer space, or Asgard transporters but they don't just appear. That's new."
General Landry suppressed the urge to groan, "I'm going to question her. You two. With me."
Okay. Breathe. You did NOT just see a Stargate. You didn't.
No way.
You fell asleep drooling over Viggo and Orlando and are now in a sugary coma dreaming weird ass dreams.
"HEY! Bad touches!" I squeaked as the guards patted me down.
They left me in the small little room and shut the door.
I ignored the fact that if I had been dreaming those guards would have been a certain ranger and elf and would NOT have stopped patting me down.
I decided to continue my little delusion and sat down, humming, and lamenting the loss of my extra chocolate ice cream.
That's when the door opened admitting the three guys from the observation room.
"Just what are you doing on my base?" the oldest gruffly questioned.
"Base? What kind of base? Army? Air Force? Boy Scout?"
I grinned when that got a snort out of the hottie with the glasses. What can I say? I'm a funny kinda girl.
"This is no time for jokes!" the man fairly roared. Oookay. Angry much? This was just too weird. I want my elfies!
"Okay, I support weird dreams as much as the next fantasy lover but this is it," I muttered and pinched myself.
"Owwie!" I whined. That hurt!
I sighed stared at the bewildered trio. Closed my eyes, counted to ten.
Nope, still here and getting glared, stared and scrutinized.
I sighed and delivered, with a perfectly straight face and steady tone, "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity. Why couldn't it have been Middle Earth? They have elves! Or Hogwarts! They have Snape!"
I groaned and started to beat a steady tattoo against the table.
With my forehead.
"Stop that!"
"Why? I'm here. In the midst of insanity. I'm probably gonna die or get snaked by the last live Goa'uld in existence. I. Bonk Wanna. Bonk Be. Bonk. Unconscious. Bonk"
I looked up at the hisses and gasps of disbelief.
"Hey...why are you guys here? Is one of you General Hammond? Or Col. O'Neill? I like him. He's funny."
This time the youngest cutie spoke up. "Okay. How about you stop. Tell us who you are, how you got here, and how you know those names? And the Goa'uld." he added.
"Okie-dokie," I said perkily to their consternation.
"I'm Cindy Cardenas. California girl born and bred. Nineteen years old, in my first year of college at UC Riverside. Social Security number: --. I was rudely interrupted while commencing my Lord of the Rings marathon by being mystically transported here, don't know why or how but if you figure it out let me at the bastard. I didn't know where here was until I saw that big ring thingy, ya know the Stargate? Hey, would this place withstand a nuclear attack?" I babbled.
"Hey! Slow down! How do you know about the Stargate?" Glasses-Guy demanded.
"I did say I wasn't from around here right?" without waiting for them to nod I ploughed ahead, "That's good because then you might give credibility to my story when I say that back home there's this fascinating Sci-Fi show called Stargate: SG-1 with this fascinating plotline based on the original Stargate movie. Hey! Waitaminute! Am I gonna like die! From that entropy cascade failure thing? That looked painful. I don't wanna die...and I wanna go home...I have a paper due for my Mythology class and there's a quiz for my War and Mortality seminar and my birthday's next week and I didn't get to say goodbye to my Mom and Dad!" that did it as I started to sob, "And...and I'm stuck under a mountain that's regularly being invaded without any ID or money in my pajamas without my books and my ice cream...I HATE YOU MURPHY! YOU BASTARD! YOU COULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN SOME SLUTTY LITTLE FANGIRL! I HAVE A LIFE YOU DEGENERATE ASS! PONCY BLEEDIN' POOF!"
My loud exclamations made the men jump and the guards burst in. I zeroed in on them.
"AND YOU! SHOOT ME! YEAH YOU HEARD ME! SHOOT ME! YOU'LL BE DOING ME A FUCKING FAVOR!"
The anger seemed to dissipate as I fell in the hard cement floor in a heap. "I wanna go home," I moaned.
I flinched and look up when somebody started to pat me awkwardly, "Hey...don't cry. We'll help you get home." It was the young guy again.
I snorted, "You just want me to stop crying because you're all too emotionally stunted to handle a sobbing teenager."
Still, I quickly wiped my face and stood, distancing myself from the awkward males.
"So...I gave my dramatic rendering of the damsel in distress. Who the hell are you people?" I questioned stiffly.
"Ah. I'm Dr. Daniel Jackson. This is Lt. Col. Mitchell and General Landry who is in charge of this base."
I blinked and curiously reassessed him. Guy looked nothing like Michael Shanks. A bit leaner with slightly blonder hair and darker expression. This guy had actually gone through all that crap. That's when the last part of his introduction broke through.
"Oh no. Oh no..." I started to chant.
"What? What is it?" Mitchell questioned hoping I wasn't going to cry again.
I stared at them in horror, "This is the new season! I got dumped in the new season? That's...that's just not fair!" I wailed.
"New season?" Landry questioned somewhat more gently. I guess he REALLY didn't like crying females.
"You know show seasons? Like the difference between the first and fifth season of Buffy? What people use to categorize the sections of certain shows...why'd I have to get dropped here now? Why not when Jack was General or Hammond! No offense to you," I added to Landry quickly "But I haven't watched this! I'm flying blind! I I don't know what's happening! I could actually die!"
"So what you're saying is that in some alternate dimension we're a T.V. show?" Mitchell questioned with skeptical disbelief.
"Yes. I believe I mentioned that. Pretty popular too. Let's see. Five hours of SG-1 on Mondays, an hour every day Tues-Thurs, and two sometimes three hours on Friday."
"Whoa. That popular?" Daniel muttered out loud.
I couldn't help but grin at my wicked idea. Hey if I had to suffer...misery loves company and I'm pretty miserable.
"Uh-huh. Really popular. I mean like you wouldn't believe. You have quite a following of teenage girls Dr. Jackson," that made the guy blush, "and guys." Hmm that had the opposite effect.
On the bright side Mitchell was coughing and Landry was hiding a smirk.
"Though of course, it sometimes seems to pale in all the attention that a certain Jack O'Neill seems to garner but lets not hold that against him."
Ooh definite frownage. Heh seems I've made a friend in Mitchell. Sweet.
"All this aside. Why are you here?" Landry questioned.
"Oro?" I tamped down a blush at their looks, "I mean...what?"
More looks.
"Uhh...I would say that given my arrival to my hysterical rantings that I am as clueless as you. Unfortunately," I muttered the last but still got some glares. Jeez sorry. Not much of a military person. Or respectful for that matter. At least to people who are fictional.
"I have an idea!" I held up a finger and struck a 'Eureka!' pose, which must have freaked them out since I'm in pajamas.
"Which would be?" Mitchell prompted.
"You all tell me just what's been going on and I'll make my way from there!" I said cheerily.
Okay. Bad idea. Sheesh.
"Young lady. We still haven't confirmed you're who you say you are and we will not be giving classified information to someone who clearly does not have clearance."
I shrugged. Fair enough.
"Okie-dokie. Ask me questions Space Monkey. Keeping in mind that my knowledge is somewhat limited. Heck I don't even know the year or President."
Daniel looked weird, a mix between disbelief and constipation.
"Unbelievable. A whole different dimension and still Jack corrupts young minds," I heard him mutter.
Was he twitching?
"Wait a minute. Who is your President?" Mitchell seemed curious.
So I told him.
I got some blinks.
Daniel shook out of it first.
"Okay tell me something only SG-1 would know."
I shrugged, "Jeez. I'm not a fanatic. I can't exactly act out every single episode. Now if you want someone to recreate Lord of the Rings I'm your man...er...woman."
Landry looked really exasperated. "Just start talking. Everything you know. From the beginning."
I grinned and nodded. Deep breath. "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was empty, a formless mass cloaked in darkness. Then God said, "Let there be light" and there was light."
"Okay. You're not funny anymore. Now you're just a smart a...leck," Mitchell complained.
I shrugged. "Teenager," I inform them à la Captain Jack Sparrow.
Okay they weren't amused.
"Okay! Jeez! Cultivate a sense of humor! Let's see...okay 1928 or so some guy finds the Stargate. Fast forward. Dr. Daniel Jackson is laughed out of respectable academia because he said that the pyramids were older than previously stated. I think there was some talk of alien landing pads as well? Anyway he's approached by someone...Catherine Langford I think, I slept through this part. He figures out the symbols on some tablet are constellations and then the 7th symbol which is the point of origin. It works with the dialing system which scientists have created including one Samantha Carter. Jackson joins the group that goes through the Stargate appointed by a General West which is headed by Col. Jack O'Neill. What only he knows is that should the place be hostile he is to detonate a bomb. So they go. Meet some Abydonians. Danny-boy gets married after being dragged by a yak and doing a pretty embarrassing chicken impersonation...or is that imitation...anyhow, Ra gets overblown. The rest of the team minus the newlywed archaeologist returns to earth and all is fine and dandy for a while. Until some guy named Apophis comes to the scene and starts making trouble causing the SGC to come into being. Ugg blah blah blah yap yap yap. SG-1 saves the day again. And again. And again. Let's see some key words. Uhh... Cassie? Jack kissing alternate Carter...wait it was the other way around. Umm... oh! Dr. Jack is a coffeeholic. Sam and blue Jell-O. Teal'c and Star Wars and Jack and fishing/hockey. Oh! And Daniel? Mini-Jack! Can I stop now?"
Daniel Jackson was mouthing 'Dr. Jack' with ashocked face.
Mitchell and Landry just looked flabbergasted.
"That still isn't enough. You could be a spy and gotten that information from stolen mission files. Do have anything more detailed? Something that would not be included in the mission reports?"
Jeez suspicious much?
"Okay. Umm in one of the first missions. Sam was traded to a warlord 'cuz she was pretty and she was wearing a blue dress. The guy told her that her eyes were like blue river stones. Then on the world where Pelops ruled the people lived for a hundred days and Jack got an STD from sleeping with that chick Kynthia and learned the importance of Carpe Diem. He wanted to play shuffleboard down in Florida if I'm not mistaken. Uhh...Daniel died because of radiation poisoning and ascended because of Oma Desala. The Harcesis child showed you the world where you blew up Moscow and killed Jack. Oh! Sam was a host to a Tok'ra named Jolinar and then Martouf had a thing for Sam because of it. He died. Then Sam's dad got snaked by Selmac 'cuz he was sick and there's that whole thing with the Tok'ra being really snotty bastards and Anise/Freya being a total Ice Queen. Teal'c's first wife died, he had some kind of feud going with some guy whose name I can't remember right now but I'm pretty sure he's dead. Oh hey! You guys were called to Tollana to act as some kind of defendants for Skaara and averted a Goa'uld scheme. Umm...Baal, the greasy bastard, captured Jack when he was abandoned by the Tok'ra named...uh slipped my mind, and was tortured. Daniel was ascended at the time and tried to pull an Oma and get Jack to ascend. Also, Teal'c has a tendency to say 'Indeed.' and do the eyebrow thing and Jack likes to call your artifacts 'Rocks'. That's it I'm tapped. No more inane facts kiddies!"
I groaned and put my head down.
"Oh no! Wait...one more. Sheppard and McKay? Those guys are cool! Hey wait...aren't you supposed to be on the Daedalus?" I questioned Daniel.
"In a couple hours yes."
Then he got the 'oh shit' look.
"Dr. Jackson!" Landry didn't look happy.
I outsmarted the smarty-pants with my immaturity! Coolness.
I didn't listen after that. Thoughts. Chocolate good. Legolas good. Glorfindel better. Umm...tell about the Aurai (or is it Aurii? Orii? Whatever. My appellation is better.) people? Don't tell? Tell about Vala and her funny bracelets? Nah. She's funny. Choices.
Oh someone was waving a hand. In my face.
"Yes?"
"Now what are we supposed to do with you?" Mitchell mused aloud. The question aimed more to his CO than me.
"Ravish me?" I answered innocently.
I couldn't help it. Their faces were just too funny.
"BWHAHAHA! Oh my god! You should have seen your faces!" I grinned and looked at the camera in the corner, "Think I could get a copy? Please? Walter-san you'll give me a copy won't you? For posterity's sake?"
You know I must really be wearing on these guy's nerves. Okay somewhat guilty now.
"Okay. Sorry. Stick me in a V.I.P room with a guard and a T.V. Does one of the nerds on base have the Lord of the Rings movies? Extended editions preferably? That'll keep me occupied for about 40 hours. Oh don't forget the chocolate ice-cream...just not the one that's decorating the gate room."
So, I was dumped into a drab room that at least had a bed. But no T.V.
This was only AFTER lots and lots of embarrassing invasive tests.
Meanies.
Staring a four gray walls could only be so interesting. I opened my door.
"I'm not trying to escape," I said quickly.
"I'm sorry miss please return to your room," cardboard soldier said.
"But I am in my room," I told him, "Is there a rule that I can't open my door?" Wide-eyed innocence.
Hah! Guess not. I sat in the doorway, without being outside the room. The two-stationed guards changed positions and scrutinized me from across the small little corridor.
"So...My name's Cindy. Wish you'd tell me yours but you probably have some kind of stoic silence thing going. Buckingham Palace much? So...I'm an alien that came to Earth to observe your ways and record them for my people. Kind of like Brainiac just not with the whole genocide thing after."
Not a twitch.
"You know I always kind of felt a mixture of sorry and curiosity towards you guys. I mean on one hand you guys don't seem to get much credit even though you and all the other SG teams must make some important contributions. Then again some of those scientists are seriously cracked."
Was that a twitch?
"How old are you guys anyway? Married? Kids? Girlfriend? Fiancée? Boyfriend? Oh right. Don't ask don't tell. Me? I'm single. And definitely not looking. This nineteen year old college girl is happy to stay immature."
Was that a quick flash of disbelief?
"You thought I was fourteen!" I accused.
I growled, "That's just...disturbing. Why do people keep thinking I'm a teenie-bopper? I mean sure I don't wear make-up or show more skin than I hide but that's not an excuse! I tell you, American society is seriously whacked! You have T.V. shows where teen girls are portrayed by women in their twenties and teenagers play the parts of bratty kids. Gives people the wrong idea! Makes up an image that is wrong. Making young girls that they have to have boobs and hips while they're still going through puberty! Some cultures may marry girls at young ages but at least they don't show 'em off like pieces of meat."
Hmm...maybe they were getting annoyed.
"Okay. Sorry. Rant over. I'm really wondering which power in the universe has decide to screw with me. This is so beyond waking up on the wrong side of the bed. On the bright side I'm not being shot at, snaked or infected by some kind of virus. On the other hand...kinda bored. Not fun."
I sighed. This wasn't that fun anymore. I shut the door after standing and flopped down on the bed. I burrowed under the sheets, bringing them up to cover me totally before burying my face in the pillow to muffle any noise I might make while I sobbed.
I don't know what woke me up but I think it might have been the combined presence of one Lt. Col. Mitchell and the hunk of rock that had to have been Teal'c.
"Aren't you guys supposed to knock?" I questioned feebly and tried to ignore the fact that I must look like crap.
There were no jokes ladies and gents. These people were soldiers and they looked it. I'm not ashamed to admit I was freaked.
"What do you know?" Mitchell questioned somewhat darkly.
"On what subject? I'm pretty good at Literature. Not so much at Chemistry." Damn my mouth is going to get me killed.
"I like you Miss Cardenas. You have a sense of humor. But you have information that could potentially save some people and I want to know what you know."
Okay. Time to get serious.
"What happened?"
"What do you know?"
I sighed, "Look just tell me!"
Nothing.
"I'll ask questions and you answer Lt. Col. Mitchell. Vala came?"
Nod.
"She gave you info?"
Nod.
"You went through the Stargate to speak to Myrddin?"
Shake.
"Vala and Daniel are married?"
"If you consider being stuck together by bracelets married."
"How are your fencing skills Lt. Col. Mitchell?"
"Good enough that I defeated a glorified scrap of tin."
"Find a nice piece of tech courtesy of the Alterrans?"
Nod.
"You about the use it in conjunction with Daniel?" Still trying to trip the guy up.
"Daniel and Vala have done so."
"Woken them up yet?"
"Vala flat-lined."
I sighed.
"You know how to wake them up."
Silence.
"Tell us." Whoa. Teal'c has definite presence.
"It's hazy alright! There's going to be a second time...you know the symptoms that Vala had before she went? That's gonna happen to both of them. You have to disengage them before they die because this time they're not being brought back."
"And how do we do that?"
I prayed that I was right in telling them this, "Dial the Gate. Anywhere. When the seventh chevron engages or locks or whatever, throw that sucker, the technology that got them in this mess to begin with, into the 'whoosh' wave of the gate and incinerate it or whatever it is it does."
"Why wait?"
"Damn well better wait!" I bit out quickly, "Daniel and Vala have to open a connection on their side or who knows what the hell could happen to their consciousness."
"I thank you CindyCardenas though I hope for your sake that you are telling the truth."
They left me hoping that everything would turn out for the best.
The door burst open and in strode an ice cold Daniel Jackson.
"You knew," he hissed.
I just stared at him trying not to look guilty because I'm NOT! I'm not. It was for the best.
"I knew." I whispered.
The bracelet was off, I noted idly.
"Why?" he questioned hotly.
"Stop trying to make this my fault! There was no way to stop it!" I yelled.
"Forewarned is forearmed! Do you think we would have done it if you told us!"
"Stop trying to guilt me with that shit! And the clichés won't work either! It was the only way!"
He growled, I swear, "Who are you and why are you here?" his tone was deadly.
"You know that already Dr. Jackson." I whispered. Damn his eyes were accusing. "I'm sorry but it was the only way..."
"The only way to do what?"
"Let me ask you something. You say that if I had told you that you would believe me. I say you're a fucking liar. You know why? Because you don't know me or my motives. Your own curiosity would have made you go. And even if not someone else would have gone because the fucking government would have told them to," 'Hah' I thought, 'Take that you prick.' He looked away from ME this time. 'cuz I was right.
"You want to know why I didn't say anything?" I questioned him. He nodded.
"Because I KNEW with as much certainty as one can have in this kind of shitty situation that if you and Vala went when you went that all that crap would happen but that you would be back ALIVE. Don't delude yourself and think that it would be the same for some nerdy scientist who went. Either way the Aurai would know about us anyway and we wouldn't have any idea who they were or that they were coming. You went and your curiosity got enemies. That was inevitable but now you and everyone else here KNOW you have enemies and now you are as prepared as you can get because all these soldiers just beat the Goa'uld into the ground. This is the best chance you have. That's why I did it. So please don't give me this 'what if' shit. It happened. Get over it and save the galaxy again."
"That's it? No more information on the future? Going to keep us in the dark while people die when they get here?" he accused.
"I don't know anything else!" I screeched and glared when he became skeptical.
"I don't okay? And now...now I'm fucking scared because there's no way anyone is going to believe me. They're going to use me as their scapegoat just like you're trying to do. I'll be the stupid brat who didn't warn them what would happen and who won't give them any more information. So forgive me if I'm not exactly happy okay? I'm probably going to be interrogated and even if they let me go...hah they won't let me go, and I'm not going home. I'm killing hope right now...ú-chebin estel anim."
Was that guilt? Or pity? Whatever.
"Please leave."
I didn't look up, "Dr. Jackson? Say 'hi' for me."
A pause of confusion, waiting for me to explain maybe, and then the door shut.
This sucks.
And the question which has been haunting my dreams and pretty much every waking moment:
Why Me?
ú-chebin estel anim: This is where my Lord of the Rings (henceforth known as LOTR) nerdinessshines through. This is elvish for: I have/keep no hope for myself. Roughly. It's half of what Aragorn's mother said as she died. She said "I give hope to the Rangers. I keep none for myself." A play on words because EstelHope was Aragorn's elvish name once upon a time since he is considered the Hope of Men. That was in the book. The line can be seen/heard in LOTR:ROTK and is said by Elrond and Aragorn. (Yes. I'm a nerd.)
There will be lots more LOTR without actually becoming a crossover.
There was a Harry Potter reference. I am a Sexy Snape Supporter despite HP6 though I still say it's a lie!
There's even a Rurouni Kenshinism- The "Oro?" is all his I believe.
Self-Insertion is fun. And that's it. Fun. See. The genre is humor! There will be no smoochies between fictionMe and JackDanielMitchellSheppard etc. Unless it's a totally hilarious and nonromantic situation. Like embarrassment.
Reviews might be better depending on who is reading.
Suggestions for humor appreciated.
Next chapter: Who was Cindy asking Daniel to greet? Will our insane heroine (right.) survive? Forget that…will the SGC survive?
Glorfirien