A/N: Sorry everyone. It's just so much more Stargatey not to tell you what she said. Plus it amuses me to do it this way. Mwahaha.

Ch 6: Team Bonding

"So, Sam, did you ever tell Janet what you said on the way back to the gate?" Daniel asked, checking once more to make sure the ties on his wrists hadn't magically loosened since the last time he'd tested them. Amazingly, they hadn't. And now his bum was going to sleep. Great.

"No, of course not! Why would I want to do that, I'm mortified enough about everything I said to you guys…"

"Most of it was nice," Daniel pointed out.

"Anyway, I'm glad you didn't tell the Doc anything else, because I heard through the grapevine that she cleaned up big last week. On us," Jack said.

"She actually bet that you'd…" Sam started incredulously. She stopped and shook her head in amazement. Now that she thought of it, it was just the sort of thing Janet would do. "Never mind. I figure whatever she comes up with on her own is probably going to be worse than what actually happened anyway… and she'll just die not knowing for sure."

"The curiosity that terminates the feline," Teal'c said sagely.

"Huh?" Daniel said.

"T, it's 'curiosity kills the cat,'" Jack corrected.

"I see."

"In either case… yes," Carter said, not bothering to hide her amusement.

"You're a little bit evil, aren't you, Carter?" Jack asked as though he were discussing what was for dinner.

His stomach rumbled as he thought of food, and he decided that since they were done swapping stories they'd all been there for anyway, they should get a move on escaping their current predicament.

"Okay kids, how are we going to get out of this one?" he asked. "And doesn't anyone else find it a bit odd that we were immediately surrounded by angry Jaffa as soon as we stepped through the gate, but we've been left conveniently alone for a long time now?"

"It is unusual, O'Neill," Teal'c agreed.

"On the other hand, they pretty much made it impossible for us to go anywhere, so why would they bother checking on us?" Daniel asked logically.

"And it's possible they have some sort of monitoring system we just haven't found yet," Carter added.

"All right, Major, we're going to assume that's not true and start working on getting out of here. Now, does anybody have anything left on them besides their shoes and underwear?"

"Not me," Daniel said.

"I had a razor blade in my boot, but I think it's gone," Carter said.

"Really?" Jack asked, surprised.

"Well… we've been having such a bad run of luck lately I thought it might come in handy… but these guys apparently searched us pretty thoroughly. And seeing as how I don't have my socks on anymore and can't feel anything in my boot other than my foot… I'm guessing they found it." She slid both boots off easily since they were untied, feeling around in them with her toes before confirming that her blade was gone. It would have been a miracle if it hadn't been anyway - they'd clearly been searched very thoroughly. "Yup. It's gone, sir."

"Did you get that idea from a Quentin Tarantino movie by any chance, Carter?"

She was silent for a few moments before reluctantly admitting, "Maybe."

"Sweet."

"Regardless," Daniel interrupted. "She doesn't have it anymore… and with the way we're tied up right now I doubt it would make much difference anyway."

"Don't get negative, Daniel, we just… need to break down the situation. Take this one step at a time."

"We are incapable of stepping at all in our current bound positions, O'Neill," Teal'c reminded him.

"I have an idea!" Carter said suddenly.

"That's what I want to hear. Go ahead, Carter."

"Teal'c… the ropes tying us all together… are they close to your symbiote pouch?" she asked. They were around her torso, but Teal'c was much taller than she was.

"They are, Major Carter."

"Could you maybe somehow get your symbiote to um… bite through the ropes or something?"

Teal'c said, "That is not possible, Major Carter. Communication is minimal and on a mainly subconscious level. My symbiote would have no desire to leave the protective confines of his pouch to attempt such a difficult, and I believe impossible, task."

"Oh," she said, sounding disappointed.

"All right, good try. Just… keep thinking, Major. We've got nothing but time," Jack tried to encourage.

"Think fast though, Sam," Daniel added impatiently.

"Daniel, relax!" Jack ordered.

"I'm sorry, Jack, but I've got a pounding headache and I really have to pee."

"So… pee."

"Ewwwww," Daniel said.

"Sir, that's disgusting."

"What, I didn't do it! I'm just saying… we're gonna be here a while," Jack said reasonably.

"Daniel Jackson please refrain from urinating for as long as you can," Teal'c requested.

"I will! Geez! I thought we were supposed to be figuring out ways to get out of here, not talking about the fact that I need the toilet!"

Thirty minutes later, Daniel was trying not to think about how badly he needed to pee, Teal'c was trying to kel'no reem, Carter was trying to figure a way out of their situation, and O'Neill was singing, 'And the rain, rain, rain came down, down, down,' to make Daniel's task even more difficult. Then they were all engulfed in a bright white beam.

vvvvvvvvvv

Jacob Carter considered himself a patient man, although other people might have disagreed with that assessment. But there were limits to what he could be expected to put up with, even with the calming assistance of his symbiote, Selmak.

When he arrived at Stargate Command after massively rearranging his schedule so that he could spend a long weekend with his daughter, only to be informed by his buddy George that his daughter and the rest of her team were missing on some backwater planet… Jacob lost it. Selmak was irate as well; she owed her life to SG-1 several times over and rather thought of Jacob's daughter as a sort of adopted child of her own as well.

General George Hammond, who was under plenty of stress of his own trying to figure out what had happened to his best team, was instantly reminded of another time Jacob had been similarly livid - when his one and only daughter had skipped off with a bunch of her friends to an unsupervised beach house after her high school prom. At the time, George hadn't though it was possible for a man to be more furious. The addition of Selmak had apparently made it possible for Jacob to get even more upset, or at least to express himself more colourfully.

"Jacob, please… we sent the MALP through before them and everything indicated they were going to a deserted planet… a planet that, according to the rescue team's report, is still in fact deserted. We're working on the assumption that they have been captured and taken to another planet…" Hammond tried to explain.

"Sounds like you've got nothing to go on at all, George!"

"We've contacted Thor, he abandoned the task he was doing immediately and is heading to the planet they gated to…"

"I want to go too…" Jacob began.

The crowded briefing room, which had become command central for the rescue efforts, suddenly went completely still and silent as SG-1 appeared. On top of the briefing room table, one of the only empty spaces in the room.

"Umm, hey guys," Jack said after a few moments where time seemed to stand still. He, along with the rest of his team, looked around the briefing room, a bit dazed after their rapid transport. Everyone in the briefing room stared back at them, stunned.

The briefing room was a crowded but very clean environment. Suddenly Jack became aware of the stark contrast he and his team presented, all tied up together, covered in layers of sweaty prison dust... and almost naked on top of everything else.

"SG-1, welcome home," Hammond said with a grin after a few moments, not even caring that they were getting dirty footprints all over his nice shiny table.

"Sam! Thank God, you're okay!" Jacob exclaimed, pushing through the crowd to the edge of the table. He quickly took in the state of his daughter and the rest of her team in surprise.

"Dad?" Carter croaked, looking down at him as though his sudden appearance was stranger than hers, turning steadily pinker as she noticed just how many people were witness to their grand entrance.

Thor appeared suddenly in his own separate flash of light, next to them on the briefing room table. "General Hammond, as you can see I have located and rescued SG-1."

"Thank you, Thor, we owe you one," Hammond said, shaking his hand enthusiastically and helping him off the table.

"Thor, couldn't you have found a slightly more conspicuous place to drop us off?" Jack demanded sarcastically. "Like, I dunno, maybe smack dab in the middle of the Oval Office or something?"

"Sir!" Carter exclaimed/reprimanded. "Thor, thank you so much for rescuing us. We really didn't know how we were going to get out of that one. You saved our lives."

"As you have done for us on many occasions, Major Carter," Thor said. "And I am not offended by O'Neill's remark. This was the only empty space available in the room. My sensors automatically locked onto it."

"Oh. Well. Thanks, little buddy," Jack mumbled, glad he hadn't offended Thor. But seriously... on top of the briefing room table, in his Simpsons shorts? How did these things keep happening to him?

"Thor, once again I am in your debt," Teal'c said.

"Your thanks are unnecessary. Your retrieval was very easy once I determined your location."

"Um… before we get into the whole denouement bit, ya think we could get these ropes cut off?" Jack asked.

"Yeah I've got a nasty rope burn because Sam wouldn't stop giggling," Daniel chimed in, speaking for the first time.

"We ah… think Danny boy has a concussion, too," Jack explained as four Airmen began cutting at the restraints around their ankles and torsos.

While they worked, Hammond said, "All right, people, good work. Sergeant, call the rescue team back, everyone else who's not Thor or Jacob, clear out of here."

The room emptied quickly, people already muttering about the 'grandest SG-1 entrance of all-time.'

"Dad, what are you doing here?" Sam asked, looking for a way to fill the uncomfortable silence as their restraints were removed. She had never been more grateful for regulation sports bras and underpants in her life, but she was still understandably uncomfortable. She really wished the Airman working on her restraints would hurry up so she could get some clothes on.

"Just came to visit my favorite daughter," Jacob told her.

"Really?" That was a twist - no suicidal Tok'ra mission in the works?

"Aww, Jake, I missed you too," Jack said in a gushing tone, overcompensating for his discomfort with the whole situation by making a really lame joke.

Jacob rolled his eyes and said patiently, "Nice to see you too, Jack."

SG-1 was finally freed from each other, although their hands still remained tied behind their backs. They were all helped down from the table and the Airmen resumed their efforts on the ropes binding their wrists. Now that they were no longer back-to-back, SG-1 was able to look at each other for the first time in many hours. They exchanged relieved looks that they had once again managed to escape from such a bad situation.

Jack looked the rest of his team over carefully to make sure they hadn't been lying to him about their injuries, his eyes lingering involuntarily on his 2IC. Without thinking, he suddenly exclaimed, "Hey! They really are black!"

Carter looked like she had a sudden migraine, Teal'c gave a small smile, and Daniel laughed and shifted back and forth on his feet, clearly trying to hide the fact that he still needed to pee, while Jacob's eyes flashed dangerously. George quickly put a restraining hand on Jacob's arm and said, "Umm, Thor, why don't you give us a quick explanation before I send SG-1 to the infirmary."

While Jacob glared at Jack and Jack busied himself rubbing at the sore marks on his wrist dramatically, hoping for some sympathy, Thor said, "The planet they were on is a ruse, General Hammond. Jaffa not loyal to a specific Goa'uld inhabit the nearby moon and survive by taking prisoners and ransoming them back to their original homeworlds or the highest bidder."

"Lovely," Jack and Daniel said together.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.

The Airman who was cutting Carter's wrists free shrugged his BDU shirt off and offered it to her. "Thanks," she said gratefully as she slipped it on, unbelievably sore in every muscle of her body.

Even though they had spend the last several hours tied up together, as soon as they were completely free, SG-1 clumped back together in a protective little huddle, subconsciously seeking each other out as they all still felt very exposed.

Hammond looked at the miserable, dirty little group that comprised his flagship team and couldn't resist. "Well, I'd order you to debrief, but in your present conditions, I'd be forced to have you all arrested for indecent exposure."

Jacob chuckled and clapped Hammond on the back, in a suddenly good mood now that he saw his daughter was relatively unharmed. "Good one, George."

"Come on, sir... that one was a little obvious," Jack said. "I expected more from you, General."

"You're just mad because he got to say it before you did, Jack," Daniel said.

"What was that, Daniel? You want me to sing to you again? Oh the rain, rain, rain came down, down, down, in rushing running rivets..."

"Infirmary, now people!" General Hammond called loudly over the loud singing of his 2IC.

He didn't even want to know why O'Neill had suddenly burst into song, nor why Teal'c had joined in, nor why Carter was giggling and Jackson was suddenly dancing in place on the balls of his feet, whining, "Jaaaaaaaack!" Sometimes with SG-1, it was much better for his sanity if he simply didn't ask.

Carter steered Daniel towards the door, and they set a brisk pace. O'Neill followed them, still singing. Teal'c bowed slightly to Hammond, Thor, and Jacob. The two bald men and bald alien watched them go. Hammond frowned at the trail of dirty footprints they left (two large sets of boots, one much smaller set of bare feet, and one odd combination of bare foot and boot from Dr. Jackson), but he had to laugh when the last thing he heard as the team disappeared down the corridor was Carter asking, "Sir, how do you know the words to a song from Winnie-the-Pooh?"

Hammond turned to Jacob and Thor, looked at them carefully for a few moments, and finally asked, "So, care to place your bets, gentlemen?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The End.