HARVEST MOON: JACK'S TROUBLED LIFE
Disclaimer: I don't own Jack or Karen. I only own the convoluted plot.
Warning: This story earns its T rating. Definitely not one of the tamer HM fics out there…
Chapter 1: Love and Marriage?
One fine country morning, Jack Harvest woke up to the ever-aggravating sound of a rooster crowing. Jack had always found this odd, seeing as he didn't have any roosters. He had around a bazillion chickens, to be sure, but he was quite positive none of them were male because they all laid eggs. 'Oh well; screw it!' he thought. 'Time for yet another day of tedious back-breaking labor! Joy!'
He hopped energetically out of bed, accidentally kicking his wife as he was in the process of doing so. Karen let out a yelp and threw a pillow at him. "Dammit, Honey!" she shrieked in belligerence, "that hurt!"
"Yeah, yeah…" Jack mumbled, not paying his spouse any attention, as was his habit. He fished around on the floor for his trademark trucker hat, which had mysteriously fallen off his head during his sleep. He really hated losing his cap, which was why he wore it to bed every night.
Karen, meanwhile, was still complaining. "Really, Honey; I don't see why you insist on coming to bed every night fully clothed- right down to your boots, even!" she bitched. "That kick of yours might not have hurt so much if you hadn't been wearing that heavy, disgusting, manure-encrusted footwear of yours!"
"Jeez! I said I'm sorry, okay?" Jack exclaimed, raising his hands up in the air in a defensive gesture.
"No you didn't!" Karen shrieked.
At this point, Jack discovered his cap under the bed. He ecstatically jammed it back on. The find made him happy enough to try and dismiss Karen's mysterious bad mood that morning (although if he'd bothered thinking about it, she was in this mood every morning- but of course, he didn't). He even tried to make amends. "Aw, who cares what I did or didn't say?" he asked affably. "Now make my breakfast."
Karen snapped. "MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN BREAKFAST, ASSHOLE!" she screeched. She stormed out of the house in a positive fury.
Jack stared after her in utter confusion, wondering what on earth could have crawled up her butt hole and died a horrible death. Then he lamented, "Aww, crap; now I do have to make my own damn breakfast."
Fixing himself a hasty meal of Japanese rice balls, Jack set this nourishment before him and downed in it one enormous and defying-of-all-physical-laws-of-nature bite. Then he rushed outside to see what the hell was wrong with Karen, hoping it didn't mean she wouldn't make his dinner tonight, either.
"Karen, what the SHIT is your problem?" he inquired curiously, upon finding her standing uselessly in front of the wooden picnic table behind the house as always.
She glared at him angrily; his approach not exactly being the best one with which to confront an irate wife. "Honey, you don't pay attention to me at all!"
"For God's sake, my name's not 'Honey'," Jack told her, confused. "It's 'Jack'. Why do you keep forgetting my name?"
Karen stared at him for a long moment, struck dumb over his stupidity. Then she repeated slowly, "You…don't…pay…any…attention…to…me."
Jack shrugged. "And that bothers you because?" Then suddenly he grinned manically and screamed, "HEY KAREN! THINK FAST!"
Karen looked up, blinking. "Huh? OW!" A large rock, at least the size of her head, hit her there. …On the head, I mean.
"Ha ha!" Jack chuckled.
"WHAT THE HELL!" Karen jumped up, her eyes blazing wickedly enraged. "YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH, WHY'D YOU JUST THROW A FREAKIN' ROCK AT ME! ARE YOU TRYING TO PISS ME OFF?"
In response, Jack just grinned and threw another rock at her head.
"OW!" Karen's heart level dropped from Evil Green to Deathly Purple. "…Oh, that does it. I've put up with just about enough of this shit," she muttered under her breath.
Jack paused from getting ready to throw another rock and stared at her blankly. "Huh?"
"Nothing," she snapped, and would say no more.
Jack shrugged it off, tossed a final rock at her, and went to the barn to milk his cows. He decided that it was just PMS or whatever, and that she'd probably get over it by lunchtime.
He was sadly mistaken. After moseying through his chores, Jack ran into the house to see if Karen had fixed him a sandwich or something, because he sure was starving. To his disappointment, he only found a small envelope on the table. Baffled, he picked it up and began to read the letter inside:
"Went back to my parents' house. There is some casserole in the refrigerator from a few weeks ago.
"-Karen."
Jack stared at the note blankly for a solid five minutes. Then he put it down and frowned. 'Back to her parents' house? Why the hell would she do that?' he wondered. 'I thought she always said she hated those bastards. Oh well; at least she left me lunch!'
Hurrying to the kitchen, Jack opened the refrigerator eagerly to find the casserole. Much to his disgust, it was covered with a fuzzy green mold.
"ARGH! SICK!" he exclaimed, chucking the atrocity away from him. It landed with a chilling 'splat' on the kitchen wall and stuck there. He looked at the mess in a state of mild horror for a few moments, but then decided Karen could just clean it up when she came home, anyway. Come to think of it, he wondered why she might think to leave him with nothing but a moldy lunch to eat. 'Aw, she's probably just getting senile,' he reflected. 'After all, there IS that whole forgetting my name thing, too.'
Still hungry, he thought hard for a few moments as to what he could eat. He finally decided he'd go pay a visit to the Flower Bud Bakery. It was a long walk, to be sure, but one of Elli's delectable cakes would be worth it.
A/N: So, what'd ya think? As I'm sure most of you have guessed, this chapter is somewhat of a parody of how you can get Jack's wife to leave him in HM64. Later on, I'll probably throw in a few characters from the other games as well. Whatever it takes to make this interesting, eh?
Now, I'm a total review whore, so please, please, please review now! Tell me what you think about the story so far! I'll lurve ye forever if you do!
Next: The Mystery of the Missing Housewives!