Clarity

It's the middle of the night when I hear a sharp knocking at the door. I don't want to get up. I really don't. I bury my head into the pillow. Just yesterday we had a run-in with Cloud and his friends, and they had completely trashed us. My body still aches all over. I don't want to get up. But I do, because, well, I'm a Turk. Turks aren't lazy. Brushing my short blond bangs out of my eyes, I stumble my way to the front door. The apartment's not messy at all, but the lack of light clouds my vision. Unhooking the chain that keeps the door closed, and the lock that's pretty tight, I open the door. It creates a warm, block of golden light on my maroon carpet.

"You look like hell, Elena." Reno says, shoving one arm into my apartment. I feel like kicking him out, or grabbing the pistol near the door and spraying him with bullets, but I don't. I am a Turk. I shift uncomfortably in my thick, cotton panties. Fortunately, he has said nothing, and luckily, I wasn't wearing anything embarrassing like underwear with bunnies on it. I probably wouldn't be caught dead in those, but things happen.

"What do you want?" He's wearing his usual Turk attire, which clues me in. I sigh a little; whenever I think about the Turks, I thing about Tseng. Tseng has been avoiding me lately; he's pretty quiet whenever I'm around. I guess Reno must have opened his big mouth and told him that I liked him. My fingers fidget with the strap of my camisole. I feel incredibly awkward and embarrassed, even though it's only Reno. If it was Tseng, I am pretty sure I would've fainted by now.

"Put some clothes on. Geez. Rude, Tseng and I are going to the bar. Wanna come?" Reno flashes me his smirk. I hate that smirk. I nod; leave him waiting at the door while I go into my bedroom to change. Slipping onto the usual Turk attire - a loose fitting navy blue jacket and slacks, I come out of my bedroom, and lock the door. I place my handgun in my pocket so I can grab it with ease and walk out with Reno.

It's pretty chilly tonight. I know the only reason I'm going is because Tseng will be there. Reno's looking off in the distance somewhere. The only thing I like about the guy is his hair. Even when I was younger, I was into guys with long hair. It's a dark auburn in the night, but in the sunlight, it sometimes makes him look childish. But I do remember he is the childish one. Tseng, Rude and I are always serious about our jobs unless we're not working. Reno can manage to crack a joke on the job and Tseng doesn't even scold him about it. I don't even flinch when Reno places his arm around me. I just wish it were Tseng.

The bar doors open and he leads me to the table. Rude's sitting pretty quietly, his hands folded together on the table. Tseng's leaning back into his chair, his arms crossed. Reno flops down next to Rude, which forces me to sit next to Tseng. I really don't mind. I notice a large bottle of what seems to be hard liquor. I mentally groan. I haven't drunk anything in my entire life. Rude, on the other hand, likes to get smash drunk. Reno eggs him on, and Tseng just sits there and laughs. But it's not what we're doing now. Reno leans over the table and explains what we're going to do.

"All right, we're gonna play a simple game of truths. Each one of us will get a turn to ask each other questions. We have to answer honestly, and if any of us chooses not to answer," Reno grins, and points to the bottle. "They'll have to down the entire bottle. Got it?" I nod, even though the game's kind of unfair. Reno and Rude don't mind getting drunk. I've never seen Tseng drink but I can bet that he won't mind either. I'm the only one that's got something to lose, and I know Reno had planned this out earlier. I sigh.

"Me first." Reno says, and takes a glance around the table. He turns to Rude. "So, Rude, what's your guilty pleasure?" I draw a hand to my forehead and groan. Tseng smiles a little. I hope it's not anything stupid. Reno drums his fingers on the wood table. Rude leans forward and whispers. When he's finished my eyes grow wide, and I clamp my eyes with my hands. That was pretty..dark. I shook my head and looked back up at the table.

"All right, Elena, your turn." I look up and I know what I want to ask. I want to ask whether Tseng likes that flower girl from the slums. The Ancient. The one the Turks had been chasing after even before I came. Plus, I don't want to put Tseng in the limelight. I can decide to torture the very person who brought me here.

"Reno, who was the last person you slept with?" I smile knowledgeably. I hear Reno's quite the playboy. Reno throws his head back and laughs, as if he mocks my question. Tseng chuckles quietly. Rude looks as if he knows something, but doesn't answer. Then, Reno clears his throat and answers.

"The last person I slept with was a girl from Sector 4. Her name was Angelina." He smiles a broad smile. I look disgusted, but I try and hide it. I wonder whether Tseng notices, and then I brush off the question. We go on taking turns for a while until it's almost two in the morning. I yawn a bit. It's Reno's turn now, and I think he's going to finish off our get-together for the night. He turns towards me.

"Elena, do you like Tseng?" I freeze. Then he smiles. "Wait, or should I ask, do you love Tseng?" I don't say anything for a while. I don't even turn to look at Tseng's expression because I don't want my face to be a dead giveaway. I am quiet for a little while, and then I ask for the bottle. Reno smirks as he hands it to me. I've never drunk in my life. Tseng, Rude, and Reno all know that. I pause while I finger it. Maybe I should just get it over with. No, no, I can't. Tseng's my boss. I can't even believe I was actually considering telling him.

I start drinking. The liquor feels strange and acidic in my mouth. I can feel my stomach hurting. My head pounds as I drink gulp after gulp. Tseng tosses a glare towards Reno. I think they know I have a low tolerance for liquor. Very low tolerance. I can feel the burn on my sides as I continue to drink. I gasp for air for a little bit, and then continue drinking. I think I feel tears building up near my eyes.

Leave it to Reno to ruin my night. I'm going to be smash-drunk soon. The tears sprawl down my face, and I brush them away haphazardly. It's three-fourths done. Only a quarter left. As I remove my mouth from the bottle to breathe, my breathing hitches on what seems to be a sob. You're not crying, Elena. You're not. I can feel my body shaking. I can't do this anymore. Tseng places his hand on the table, and glowers at Reno.

"She has a low tolerance, Reno." But as soon as he's said this, I slam the bottle down, and wipe my mouth with my sleeve. My lips tremble, and that's when I burst up from my chair and dash out. Rude and Reno look at each other as if they don't know what's going on. Tseng runs after me; I can feel his footsteps. The chill wind bites at my cheeks. My tears are only adding to the pain as I wipe them away with my hands. I start running away from the bar, to the street that I can cross and get to my home in about twenty minutes, if I hurry. I hear Tseng's voice call out.

"Stop, Elena." And I stop, because he's my boss. And I love him. My breathing is ragged and torn, and so is my head. I can already feel the effects of the liquor coursing through my veins. I'm going to wake up with the worst hangover in the history of the Planet. Tseng secures a hand on my shoulder. I never want to wash this jacket again. Oh, I just want to kiss him blindly. He looks so dashing and handsome in the dark.

"Don't be stupid. You're drunk. I'll take you home." I nod weakly. We walk together towards his car. I love his car. It's a bright, smooth one, and I've never seen the model elsewhere. He pulls me in, and I feel like I'm on cloud nine by now. Licking my wet lips, I lean my head against the back of the car seat.

"Tseng?" I ask, my voice thick with confusion and delirium. He doesn't look towards me but gives a simple 'Hm'.

"I love your hair." I think he brakes rather suddenly, but not because of my statement. We're in front of my apartment now. I don't think he trusts me to go there alone. Tseng manages to force me up the stairs. I'm giggling like I'm mad by the time I reach my apartment. He doesn't even trust me in my own apartment, because he comes inside, and picks me up. That feels good. Now I'm going to memorize this moment so I can replay it in my head every time I think he doesn't like me. I sigh contentedly.

Shoving me on the bed, he pulls up the bed sheets, but I can't stay still. I throw up my arms and scream, because it seems fun. Tseng tries to keep my down, but I start jumping up and down. He takes off my jacket and the silk shirt underneath. His fingers quickly unbutton my shirt and I look up at his serious expression with heavily lidded eyes. Now if only he was unbuttoning my shirt for another purpose. I bet Reno's told him all about how I don't wear jammies. I giggle. I feel him unbuckling my belt and unzipping the front of my pants. His hands work their way behind, curling around my rear to grab my dark slacks off. I think I leap on top of him. He's got this stoic expression on his face, an expression that looks like its patience is ending.

"Elena, please go to bed." I shake my head and pout. I don't wanna. I wanna sleep with him. No, not like that, you sick perverts! He removes the clip from my hair and tries to keep me in the bed, but I keep jumping up. It's then when I pin him down again. I think he looks more stoic than confused or shocked. I giggle insanely. I wonder if my voice is high-pitched.

"Tseng, I want you," My voice dripping with delirium. "Stay with me." I beg. My voice steadily turns into a whine. He picks me up off of him, and forces me down on the bed, and this time pulls the covers up to my chin. I burst out of my bed, and this time I kiss him. He's standing there, next to my bed, his fingers touching my waist slightly. Oh, how I want him to him to push inside of me. I moan as I deepen the kiss. His lips feel dry and cold. We topple onto my bed, and when he finally breaks the kiss, I let out a squeal of happiness. I'm still on top of him. Tseng wipes his mouth with his fingers.

"Elena, take tomorrow off. Get some rest." He back faces me, hunched over and sitting on the edge of my bed, and I think he's thinking. Heck, I don't really know. I bet I won't remember a thing tomorrow morning, including that last statement. I loop my arms around him and give him a kiss on the base of his neck. I have to push away his long, silky hair out of the way first, but it feels good, like water through my fingers. He shakes off my hands and mutters something about never letting me have a drink ever again. I let out a louder squeal. I guess I am pretty happy. I got to kiss Tseng! I lay down on my bed and spread my arms and legs out and stare up at the ceiling. I hear the sound of the door clicking. He's gone. And I fall asleep pretty fast.

Morning comes quickly. The pain in my head hasn't subsided, but multiplied. I let out a cry of pain. I still have to go to work. I don't remember much from last night, or more like I don't want to remember. I said some crazy things and I bet I'm going to be fired from the Turks for trying to pull my moves on Tseng. He wasn't even angry. That's why I love him. Always serious, patient, and understanding. The only thing I feel liberated about is the kiss. It was so deep and emotional. If I hadn't been drunk, my mind would've made me faint just for thinking it. I sigh.

I arrive at HQ pretty fast. I get the feeling I'm late even though I'm usually the second person there. Always the second, because Tseng is there first. Sometimes we talk in the morning, but it's business only. He says it's our duty to put our job first, and while on the job, we can't let our emotions or feelings show. That's the first sign of weakness. Tseng praises me sometimes because I'm what he thinks to be the ideal Turk. Reno's a goofball and Rude's stony expression doesn't help our missions, and I'm kind of the person that keeps them together when Tseng's not around.

Reno's there. I can't believe he actually got to work on time. The guy is late on a daily basis, and no amount of glares or reprimands from Tseng changes that. They're too good friends to let that happen. I walk past him and head towards the shooting galley. I'm the best sharpshooter out of all the Turks, even though we're all pretty good. Tseng comes at a close second, and Rude third. Reno doesn't even bother using a gun.

Putting the headphones on, I twirl the gun from my pocket and concentrate on the area below the cardboard cutout's left shoulder. I fire three-dozen shots in a close cluster. That's pretty good, especially since most of them went through the same bullet pierce, and the rest made the spot very close. My eyesight's top of the line, and one needs clarity while shooting. I find peace while shooting my gun.

I don't have to worry. I keep shooting the cutout until I think I've shot enough to kill off most of the people in Shinra HQ. Not that I would want to. I feel my lip trembling. I feel something warm and inviting touch my waist, and my gunshot misses. It's the worst shot I've made all morning. I throw off my headphones and place the gun on the glass counter, and swivel around so angry..

"You should go easy on the man. He can't fight back, you know." Reno flashes me his usual condescending look. I hate it. I don't even bother glaring. I just turn around and finger my gun. I was achieving a state of nirvana there, when I was shooting. The little moron had to ruin it all. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I signed up for the Turks because I hated my past life. Being tossed out of a home that didn't want you can do that to you. Unwanted, even when I was a child. Being thrown into an organization that has so much dirt, they have to put dirt on top of it to keep the people from finding out.

He places his head on my shoulder. I jerk away from his touch. I don't want it, especially not from him. It was from my mother that I learned that not all touch is loving and sincere. It was raining on the day when she threw me out, ironically. My face tear-stained and dirty, I dragged my teenage self out of the gutter that I was put in. I had lived a wretched life in that dirty slum, and I was going to radically change my life. I never wanted to see that house again. Ever.

So I scraped up money I could get from waitressing at joints where perverted old men used to come and stare at me. Getting that money, I improved my self. Went to an inn, washed all the dirt from my hair and cut it short. Because it cost more money to shampoo longer hair. I got myself a decent outfit, bought a gun, and trained with it endlessly until I could shoot bottles from long distances. Then, after three and a half years, I went up and applied for the job as a Turk, because one of the other Turks had become injured in a fight against the rebel group, AVALANCHE. I was here now, and it was all that mattered.

"Elena," he murmurs, softly, so softly it doesn't sound as if it is Reno. "I'm sorry." I think Tseng forced him to say it. But I did so many crazy things, put my job on the line, and ruined my relationship with Tseng because of his idiotic idea. All he had to do was intervene and say I didn't have to drink. Now I was tainted beyond belief. He places two butterfly kisses on my neck, his mouth dragging along the length of it. I don't flinch. There's something warm and comforting about it. And then he pulls away, and leaves me alone in the galley. I walk out of the room and decide to make amends with Tseng.

"Tseng-" I push open his door, and strangely he is there, looking out the window, and not at his desk or reading a memo sent to him by the President. I was really hoping he wouldn't be there so I wouldn't be forced to apologize. It isn't as if I don't feel guilty. I just wish I could blame it on anybody else but me.

"Elena." And I wonder what is up today, and why Reno and Tseng seem obsessed with my name. It glides off their tongues, and it's always a soft 'n' sound before the 'a' comes. I think I appreciate that about my name. I brush away blond hair out of my face before clearing my throat and speaking again.

"I apologize for my actions last night. That is no way a Turk acts." There. I did it. Now I should feel regretless. But I don't. Tseng eyes me, with his gentle brown eyes. I feel overwhelmed by guilt beyond belief from last night. My head's still throbs from the liquor. I brushed my teeth three dozen times and rinsed my mouth three dozen times more just to get rid of the remnants of the liquor. I didn't want anything to remind me.

"I thought I told you to take the day off." He doesn't seem angry. He seems gentle and compassionate and I want to throw my arms around his neck and crush his lips to mine. Maybe tug on his hair, while I'm at it too. My mental fantasy snaps in half as I regain my composure and shake my head.

"I know. I feel better today, I do." And I don't. Because I feel like a fool for crying out 'I want you' and sounding so desperate last night. Tseng lets out a small chuckle. I wonder if he knows that I'm lying. I bet he can read my mind. That would be pretty scary. The liquor's still in my body, so I can't deny that some of my thoughts are childish and staccato.

"You're a poor liar," He says, and he advances towards me. Tseng lifts my chin, studying my face closely. I worry because he might be able to see right through me. And then it happens. I can feel a warm euphoria rush through my body as he kisses me. The kiss is the equivalent of a whisper. Quiet, serene, and gentle. I can feel him glide his tongue inside my mouth, and I surrender my mouth to him, because, he is my boss. He digs his fingers through my hair. My stomach flip-flops a couple dozen times, and I can feel my hips riding up his waist. He backs towards the desk, and then he peels my legs apart and places them on either side of his waist. I break the kiss because I'm air-hungry.

"But an excellent kisser." He finishes. I feel scared, weak and vulnerable now. I don't know why I should. I should be leaping for joy, running up and down the walls and perhaps doing a couple of jumping jacks. This has been what I've always wanted. No, this has been the only thing I've wanted. And yet there's an incredible, deep yawn inside of me. A yearning to want something more. Tseng then clears his throat, and tells me to practice some long range crippling shots. I nod, and rush out the room, my little heart beating faster than fire ignites on dry tinder.

I keep shooting for two hours in the galley, but my shots keep going wayward. I've lost my clarity, my direction. Focus, and unfocused. Everything seems as if it's being viewed with a telescopic lens. Rude had come in earlier, mentioning that Reno and I weren't so different after all. That we both vie for another's attention, meaninglessly, and endlessly. And it seems as if our efforts are futile.

It was a lot for Rude to say, but he leaves me thinking. Thinking for hours. That Reno sliding his mouth against my neck is me desperately kissing Tseng last night. And then I know. My shots keep missing; one needs clarity in order to shoot correctly. My eyes blur, focus, blur, refocus, and blur again. Nothing is really clear anymore. Not really, anyway.