You're Not Alone, a jedi apprentice fanfic

Disclaimer- If I owned Star Wars, George Lucas would not recognize his creation.

A/N- I got the idea for this story after I read JA#16: The Call to Vengeance. For those of you who have read Jedi Apprentice, that would be the one with Qui-Gon's angry face on the cover. For those of you who have not, SPOILER ALERT, the woman he loved died and he felt his life was empty. When he said that, I just wanted to take him by the shoulders, shake him and say, "Your life is not empty! You have the coolest Padawan in the history of the universe!" As I am sure everyone can tell, I am completely unbiased in this matter. Lots and lots of mush, no real romance, though. (translation: lots of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan bonding)

This story is dedicated to Joey, who read A Clouded Mirror and left the nicest review I have ever gotten. It made me feel really special. Joey, you rock my socks. Hug!

"speaking"

'private thoughts'

/talking through bond/

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You're Not Alone

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It had been ten days since Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn had returned from the planet of New Apsolon. He knew without a doubt that he would never travel there again. On that planet, the love of his life, Master Tahl, had been murdered slowly and painfully. His only comfort was that she died knowing he loved her.

On his way to sleep for the night, he passed his sixteen year old Padawan reading one of his textbooks on the couch. "Good night, Obi-Wan," he could not remember if he had said it the night before, or indeed at all since they had returned from New Apsolon.

From the surprised look which his apprentice quickly stifled, he guessed he had not. "Good night, Master," the teenager replied quietly.

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As he settled down for sleep, Qui-Gon hoped his luck would hold out. The first few nights after their return he had been plagued with nightmares, but they had abated. He felt his consciousness drift away, and for a split second thought he sensed another presence.

The tall Jedi opened his eyes, knowing he was dreaming. His heart sped up as he saw who was standing in front of him. "Tahl?" he whispered disbelievingly.

Her striped green and gold eyes were full of laughter. "Well, of course it's me, you dolt!"

"H-How?"

Tahl's face turned serious. "I don't have much time. Follow me," she set off toward a pond, when they reached it, she turned to face Qui-Gon. "That I am here now is the will of the Force. You need to stop wallowing in grief, my friend."

"But--" he started.

Tahl cut him off. "I'm perfectly aware of your feelings on the matter, Qui-Gon. I heard you thinking your life is empty. The Force has sent me here to knock some sense into you. And I intend to do so," she took him by the shoulders and shook him, saying, "You need to wake up and smell the muja juice. Watch."

She leaned down over the pond and swirled her hand in the water. Once the ripples cleared, the inside of a starship was visible. Qui-Gon shot her a confused look, and she explained, "This is the return trip from New Apsolon, when you were asleep."

Sure enough, there he was, lying on the sleep couch. What surprised him was the figure in a chair next to the couch. "Obi-Wan?" he asked Tahl, puzzled.

"Watch," she repeated.

The sixteen year old had a damp cloth in his hand, and was gently sponging his Master's forehead. Judging by the chrono on the wall next to him, it was the middle of the night, an he should have been asleep hours ago.

Mace Windu opened the door and quietly strode in. "Obi-Wan," he had lowered his voice out of respect for the sensibly sleeping Qui-Gon, but the disapproval was evident. "You should be asleep."

The Padawan turned to look at the Council member, dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep while on New Apsolon. "My place is at my Master's side, Master Mace," his soft voice was tired, but determined. "He has suffered a great loss. And," quieter still, "if I can offer him no comfort awake, perhaps I can while he is asleep."

Qui-Gon felt his heart clench. Tahl shot him a knowing look but said naught.

Mace's lips were pressed into a thin line, but he made no further comment. "Padawan Eerin wants to see you."

Obi-Wan nodded acknowledgement as the Korun Master left before soaking his cloth in the bowl of cool water by his feet, wringing it out, and placing it across Qui-Gon's forehead. "I will return, Master."

On his way to Bant, he stopped to fill another bowl with water and grab a cloth. He entered her room to find his friend propped up on her elbows. "Master Windu didn't wake you up, did he?" she whispered anxiously. "I told him not to bother you if you were asleep..."

"He didn't, Bant, don't worry," he reassured her, pulling up a chair. "Lay back."

She complied, and the older Padawan began gently dabbing her forehead with the dripping rag. "What's the matter?"

"I had a nightmare," she told him, eyes downcast.

"About Tahl?" he asked sympathetically.

"Yes," the young Mon Calamari blinked back tears. "I can't help but think-- if I had been there..."

"There was nothing you could have done, Bant," Obi-Wan's voice was full of compassion. "If you had been there, it would only have broken your heart."

Bant's gaze rested keenly on Obi-Wan. "Perhaps like yours is now?" her friend did not answer, just kept sponging her forehead. "Why were you awake, anyway? Did you also have a nightmare?"

"No," he refused to make eye contact, but she persisted in staring at him until he relented. "It's my Master, Bant," his voice was very quiet. "I'm worried about him. The entire time I've known him, he's been steady, like a rock. No matter how confused I got, Qui-Gon always knew what to do-- sometimes I believe he knew what I was thinking better than I did myself. And now he's in such turmoil... I'm lost. I don't know what to do."

The fourteen year old reached out and took his free hand. "You're not omnipotent, Obi-Wan. Neither of us really know what's going on in Qui-Gon's head right now. Tahl was--" she choked slightly over the past tense. "my Master, but that's different."

"Yes; I know what you mean. So I do the only thing I can."

Obi-Wan continued sponging her forehead as she peered closely at him, seeing clearly for the first time the shadows and exhaustion. She blinked. "You haven't been to sleep at all tonight, have you, Obi-Wan?" he gave no answer. "You're staying up with Qui-Gon, aren't you?" when he still did not reply, he went on. "You're going to make yourself ill! You hardly slept on New Apsolon-- you can't keep this up, Obi-Wan, you--"

"Bant," his tired voice cut her off. "This is all I can do for my Master."

"But Obi-Wan, you need sleep," she pleaded. "I know you: you'll stay up with him until you get sick, and only stop once he notices and drags you to the Healer's Wing!"

"I need to do this, Bant," the softness of his voice did not mask the determination underneath. "Now sleep."

She desperately tried to fight the waves of drowsiness washing over her --apparently Obi-Wan had been practicing sleep suggestions-- but to no avail. The sixteen year old gently squeezed her limp hand before taking his bowl and cloth and leaving.

He did not move from his spot next to Qui-Gon until morning.

Qui-Gon turned to Tahl, at a loss for words. Finally he spoke. "I had no idea."

"That's why I'm here."

The tall Master frowned in thought as something in the back of his mind demanded attention. Suddenly, it clicked. "He hasn't stopped, has he?"

Her face was calm. "What makes you say that?"

"I had nightmares... but I would always become calm and fall right back to sleep. Once I thought I sensed another presence, but chalked it up to disorientation."

Tahl sighed. "Yes, he has continued to stay awake with you at night, and will persist in doing so until, as Bant said, you notice and take him to the Healers. I'm facilitating to part where you notice."

She swirled the water again, and it revealed Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's apartment at the Temple. "This is what is going on now."

Again the sixteen year old sat by his Master, sponging his forehead with a damp cloth. Looking closer, Qui-Gon could see more signs of extreme exhaustion. This was the real Obi-Wan, not the one who feigned cheerfulness during the day and shielded how much sleep he lacked.

Abruptly the Padawan dropped the cloth and sprinted for the 'fresher. He had barely made it when he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. His knees buckled underneath him and he knelt there a moment to regain his strength. Standing unsteadily, Qui-Gon's student flushed the toilet, wet a rag with ice cold water, draped it across the back of his neck, and went back to his Master's room.

The tall Jedi knew immediately what he had to do. "I need to get back. Obi-Wan's sick, and I was too wrapped up in myself to see it," his eyes became very slightly wet. "How could I not have seen it? He was hurting too, but too busy helping everyone else to help himself."

"It is a hard thing to realize one's own blindness-- as much as it frustrated me, mine was the easy kind," Tahl looked at him compassionately. "The important thing is that you confront this now instead of later, before Obi-Wan's illness has time to progress."

The irony of the situation was not lost on Qui-Gon: the "blind" one had shown him his own lack of vision.

"I have to wake up, but--" he did not want to leave Tahl.

"You have to leave, Qui-Gon," she told him gently. "I will be here; I will wait. Obi-Wan needs you now. He's sick, and he doesn't know what to do."

"I know I have to help him," his voice was uncertain. "but--"

Tahl's firm voice cut him off. "But nothing. Obi-Wan will help you heal, if you let him."

She was right, and Qui-Gon knew it.

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When Qui-Gon opened his eyes, the first things he became aware of were the empty chair next to him and the sound of retching coming from the 'fresher. Swiftly he got off of the sleep couch and headed toward the light peeking under the door.

He opened it and knelt on the floor next to his student, gently touching his shoulder.

Obi-Wan started, turning to look at his teacher with bloodshot eyes in a too-pale face. "Master?" he asked in confusion. His face lost even more color as another wave of nausea hit him. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

The tall Master did not reply as he reached out and felt Obi-Wan's forehead. "Padawan, you're burning up. We need to get you down to the Healers."

"No, Master, I'm fine. I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me."

"What 'didn't agree with you,' you've hardly eaten anything since we got back."

He shouldn't have been surprised to see the look of startled confusion that crossed his apprentice's face, but he was. 'Well, why shouldn't he be surprised?' he chided himself. 'You go from not noticing anything to Mr. Caring in one night, he doesn't know what's going on.'

Aloud, he said, "Up you get, Obi-Wan, we're going to the infirmary."

Qui-Gon stood, extended his hand, and hauled Obi-Wan to his feet. When the sixteen year old swayed, the taller Jedi picked him up and strode out of the 'fresher, using the Force to turn off the light.

"Master, I'm fine, really," the teenager protested weakly.

"No, you're not," Qui-Gon tightened his arms around his charge. "Sleep, Padawan, you're exhausted."

"Can't," overcome by fatigue, Obi-Wan was not fully conscious of what he was saying. "Need to stay awake... Master needs me..."

Clenching his jaw, Qui-Gon sent the slightest sleep suggestion to his stubborn, wonderful apprentice. It was enough. Obi-Wan relaxed into the first sleep he had had in two weeks, his breathing deep and even.

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Healer Winna looked up in surprise as Qui-Gon Jinn strode into the infirmary, Obi-Wan Kenobi cradled in his arms, but quickly schooled her expression into neutrality. "What seems to be the problem, Qui-Gon?"

The tall Master sighed, looking down at the bundle in his arms. "Obi-Wan has not had any sleep in probably the last fourteen days. He has a bad fever, and cannot keep any of what little he eats down."

"Fourteen days, you say?" Winna was careful not to sound accusatory.

He paused, doing some mental calculations, then nodded.

"I have no intention of sounding confrontational, but why in the name of the Force did you wait so long to bring him here?"

"Because I was too blind to notice before tonight."

Winna felt her anger ebb as she heard the defeat and regret in his voice. "Follow me."

She led Qui-Gon into an examination room before running back out to get the appropriate equipment. He carefully set his Padawan down on the table, then smoothed the hair off of his forehead.

The Healer strode briskly into the room. As she used various devices to measure Obi-Wan's blood sugar, temperature, and other necessary properties, she asked, "So why hasn't Obi-Wan been sleeping?"

He sighed, rubbing one hand across his face. "On New Apsolon, we were in pursuit of Tahl's kidnappers for a long time. I--" some hesitation. "forgot that Obi-Wan is only sixteen. He exhausted himself. You know how he is, he'd have gone on until he keeled over of fatigue. After Tahl died, I went to find the man responsible. Instead of sleeping, Obi-Wan uncovered information which saved my life."

"And here?" she fed blood samples into different instruments.

"The first few nights we were back, I had trouble sleeping. He stayed awake with me, and used sleep suggestions whenever I woke up, but I didn't know it. Tonight I woke up to find him getting sick. He tried to pass it off as something not agreeing with him, but he's hardly eaten anything since we got back. I don't know why, he's always had a huge appetite."

"How did you find out he hasn't been sleeping? Did he tell you?"

"No, I--" Qui-Gon was unsure of whether or not he should tell her what happened. He remembered what Tahl had said: "I can think of several people you could tell, and at least one you should."

"Tahl showed me, in a dream..." he started hesitantly, but Winna cut him off.

"I've heard of that happening," her voice held some wonder, "but it's very rare. And very special. Don't feel obligated to tell me."

Several of the machines beeped to indicate that they were finished calculating, and Winna went over to scrutinize the readouts.

"His blood sugar is very low, you said he hasn't been eating much? He's also lacking iron and displaying anemia. While his red cell count is low, the white cell count is very high, because he's fighting off..." her eyes widened. "Great Force, no one noticed before now?"

"What?" Qui-Gon asked tensely.

"Ragoonian flu. I cannot believe no one realized. And don't look so guilty, I don't just mean you. None of his teachers or friends said anything at all?"

"No, why? Is it serious?"

"Yes, but," she added, seeing his momentary look of panic, "not fatal. He has a temperature of 102 degrees, and won't be able to keep down any food. I'll give you some IVs and a hydration drip: he's severely dehydrated, most likely from vomiting. Keep him cool, and I see no reason you can't take him back to your apartment. He'll probably be more comfortable there."

"Thank you, Winna," Qui-Gon said, hoping the Healer understood the meaning behind the seemingly insignificant words.

"My pleasure. Obi-Wan's a good kid."

"Yes," the tall Jedi picked up the smaller form from the table and gazed down at him a moment. "Yes, he is."

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"Master Qui-Gon?" Bant Eerin looked up at him as he answered the door. "Is Obi-Wan okay? He wasn't in classes today, I was worried..."

"Obi-Wan has Ragoonian flu."

She squinted at him. "How would he get that? The virus is spread around, but only the people with weak immune systems actually develop the disease."

Qui-Gon sighed. "I found out last night that Obi-Wan has been staying awake with me at night since we got back from New Apsolon."

Horror suddenly filled the young girl's expression. "But-- but he said he was getting enough sleep--" her brow wrinkled. "No, he said fine," one hand reached up to knead her forehead. "I should've known."

The older Jedi, confused, just waited quietly for her to explain.

"A few days after we got back I asked Obi-Wan if he was getting enough sleep. I knew he was staying awake with you, but he said he was fine, and he looked fine, just a little more tired than usual," she looked pleading. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I had no idea he was getting sick, or--"

"It's not your fault, Bant," he cut her off. "Obi-Wan fooled us all. If not for your Master, I think he'd still be staying awake and making himself worse."

He explained his dream to Bant, knowing Tahl would want it. "Tahl said she would always watch over you, Bant."

"Thank you," the fourteen year old whispered around the lump in her throat. "Qui-Gon, I-- I don't know if Obi-Wan would want me to say anything, but," her face grew more determined, "he blames himself for my Master's death."

That was not something Qui-Gon was prepared to hear. "He what?"

"I don't know exactly why, but he said something about being injured, and a probe droid being destroyed. Obi-Wan thinks it's his fault you didn't get there in time... he also said something about someone named Alani..."

Qui-Gon clenched his jaw. He knew what had happened: Just as Eritha told him it was his fault Tahl died, Alani must have said the same to Obi-Wan. His teenaged Padawan did not have great measures of self-confidence, and the remark had likely hit home.

"Thank you for telling me, Bant," he told the young Mon Calamari who was nervously chewing her lip. "I didn't know he thought that."

"I'm not sure he was completely aware of what he was doing... he kept apologizing, and he seemed rather out of it."

It sounded similar to what had happened in the wee hours of that morning: Obi-Wan had been so overcome by fatigue that he spoke his heart, not realizing what he was saying to whom.

"When he wakes, I'll tell him you stopped by," he told her as she thanked him and left.

Weighed down by a new burden, Qui-Gon walked slowly back to his room where his apprentice was sleeping peacefully. Winna had advised him not to worry if Obi-Wan slumbered for a long time; it was to be expected after all of the rest he had missed.

He sat down next to him and began bathing his Padawan's forehead in cool water, realizing the irony of the situation. "Never again," he vowed softly. "Never again will I be so blind as to miss what's right in front of me," he touched Obi-Wan's still, pale face, which was warm from fever. "I promise, Padawan."

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Qui-Gon was awakened from a doze by Obi-Wan stirring beside him. Immediately he became alert, taking a quick visual check of his apprentice. There was more color in his face, and when he removed the rag and felt his forehead, the temperature had gone down somewhat.

"Master?" came a sleepy voice.

"Obi-Wan," he could think of naught else to say, and settled for brushing the ginger hair back from his Padawan's face.

"Master, I feel funny... what's the matter with me?"

"You have Ragoonian flu," he answered quietly, taking the smaller hands between his own.

"How long have I been asleep?" he seemed to be confused, and Qui-Gon did not blame him.

"Quite a while. You needed to catch up on all the sleep you missed."

"I-- what?"

"Your body's defenses were weakened when you stopped sleeping and eating regularly, and then the Ragoonian flu set in."

"How..."

"How did I know?"

The befuddled and ill teenager nodded.

Knowing exactly to whom Tahl was referring when she mentioned the person he should tell of his dream, Qui-Gon explained what had happened while he was asleep.

A faint smile touched Obi-Wan's mouth. "She was always looking after me, I guess it hasn't changed."

He appeared to want to add something, but did not. Qui-Gon put gentle pressure on his hands. "It's alright, Padawan, what do you want to say?"

"You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, Master," he said hesitantly, "but I was wondering, after Melida/Daan..." he trailed off.

"Did Tahl bring me to my senses?" he did not wait for his apprentice to respond. "Yes, she did. She seems to do that a lot."

His heart felt lighter as he realized that he could speak of Tahl without being stabbed by the pain of her loss.

"I always thought so," Obi-Wan said quietly. "I-- I wish I could have thanked her," he seemed to be struggling to repress his emotions.

The tall Master moved to the edge of his bed and pulled him into a sitting position so is head rested against Qui-Gon's heart. "Don't fight your feelings, Obi-Wan. Grieving does not make you weak, it means you have lost someone dear to you."

There was silence for a few moments. Then the hard shell of Obi-Wan's self control cracked, and all of the emotions he had been stifling rushed to the surface.

Qui-Gon cradled his protege's head to his chest, and did not stop his own tears from falling. He silently thanked Tahl for helping him to see the wonderful person right in front of him before it was too late. If the Ragoonian flu had gone any longer without being treated, it could have been much more serious.

'Seeing this is all the thanks I need,' he heard her say, and smiled through his tears.

Eventually Obi-Wan, having cried himself out, was lulled to sleep by the beating of his Master's heart.

Managing to move without jostling his Padawan so he sat leaning againt the wall, Qui-Gon slept too, the amazing sixteen year old cradled in his arms warding off the nightmares. The loss of Tahl would continue to hurt both him and Obi-Wan, in different ways, but together they knew they could face the future.

/I love you, Master./

/And I love you, Padawan. So much./

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A/N- Hooray for mush! Not much else to say, I hope everyone liked it. Constructive criticism welcome.