This is not what you think. Final chapter. Pretty much explains for itself.
I don't own Lost. I pwn it.
Hurley bounded along the path after Jack, stepping over large logs and scrambling down hills. Now Hurley was much fitter than at the time of the crash, but he still had problems with keeping up a fast pace, especially in the humid heat.
"Dude, wait up! I can't go as fast as you." He gasped behind Jack, feeling rather light-headed, "Do you even know where we're going?"
"Sure I do," Jack lied, jumping down a steep ledge, "Just try to keep up."
"Really, Doc, I think I need a breather…otherwise…" He wheezed at the top of the ledge. Jack turned around to him impatiently.
"Otherwise what?" He asked. Jack didn't need a reply; Hurley had swooned and fainted, falling off the high ledge onto Jack. The doctor could only see stars and his lungs were depleted of air, and when he regained some sense, he was pinned down by the larger man between a rock, a tree and a hard place. He was facing Hurley in perhaps the most awkward position; cringing he lifted Hurley's head, which was resting on his shoulder.
"Hurley? Hurley, wake up!" He slapped the hairy puffer-fish face gently. No reply except heavy breathing, "Hurley, wake up, I mean it." He slapped harder. Still no reply. Jack tried to benchpress the limp man off him, but didn't work. Jack squirmed and slid, but nothing seemed like he could get out of his predicament.
"Fine, I'll wait for you to wake up."
Somewhere a voice manically chuckled. The back of Jack's neck prickled. The sound was so evil that Jack twisted Hurley's head off trying to get the man up.
"He won't get up until I tell him to." The voice said, suddenly nearer. Jack turned around to gaze up into a pair of very blue eyes.
"Who the fuck are you?" Jack gasped at the young woman. She chuckled again, shaking her finger at him.
"Tut tut, naughty naughty. You shouldn't be swearing at me, Mr Doctor San. I'm the one who got you into this predicament and I'm the only one who can get you out." She smiled gleefully, her gums showing. Jack was getting freaked out.
"You're an Other, aren't you?" He asked, still furiously trying to get up.
"Nup. I'm what you call…a Deus Ex Machina. A plot twist. A divine intervention in this story…etc, etc ad infantum." She said sitting on a log.
"What?"
"I'm trying to finish this story!" She huffed as he didn't get what she was telling him. Jack looked at her blankly.
"What story?" He asked. She had to be mad. More insane than the crazy French chick. She sighed.
"Oh, the story I'm writing about you guys. Y'know, all the evil stuff I've been doing to you, putting you into awkward situations, creating lame jokes and what-not," She replied, pushing back her shoulder length dark hair, "and now, I've run out of ideas: actually, I've moved on. New fandoms and such. Also, my dear, this plotline has been run into the ground by your normal creators and I had to turn it into an Alternative Universe, and now…I've introduced a Mary Sue," She sighed, burying her head into her hands, "I've done what I've hated the most."
"What. The. Hell."
"You're in a freaking fanfiction! God! Aw heck, I'm explaining this to the wrong person. Oi, Hurley, wakey wakey!" She snapped. Hurley raised his head from the dirt.
"Yo? Who the heck are you?" He muttered, cocking his head to one side. Jack kicked him off, brushing dirt off of him.
"I'm Sam. You're in a fanfiction."
"Dude," He blanched, then pointed his finger at her, "I knew it!"
"I'm the author of this story," she pointed to the edges of the page, "and quite frankly, I'm getting sick of it. I made the mistake of writing a future-fic and getting my nose painfully rubbed into it, despite getting some fair-decent reviews." She sulked, sitting on a log. The two men looked at her strangely.
"No wonder I feel like I've been doing strange things, as if, as if…what have you done to me?" Jack said, rubbing his hands together, trying to shake whatever virulent thing was on him.
"Dude, she's put you OOC. Out Of Character." Hurley stated, looking at the doctor.
"Yup, ditto with Kate. Actually, I never knew why I focused mainly on her, I really dislike her," Sam scratched her imaginary beard, "I think I was supposed to do evil things to her."
"Well, that you did." Hurley conceded.
"Quite right," Sam brightened, her blue eyes glowed with pure evilness, "thanks for reminding me Hurley."
"No problem. I'm glad you didn't make a slash fic. That would be just plain weird." He shrugged.
"How can you take any of this?" Jack yelled, a vein pulsing in his temple.
"Oh, he can," Sam shrugged, "I just made him this way."
"Why did you insert yourself in here anyway?" Hurley asked her, giving himself over to the fact that he was in a fanfiction.
"To wrap things up quicker. Otherwise this would go on for several more chapters with large waiting gaps in between, which would piss my watchers off. This is probably pissing them off even more, but at the moment, I don't care. Don't kill me guys." She faced the reader. Jack yelped, pointing at the reader.
"There's a huge face! There's a huge freaking face watching us!"
"Reading us," she corrected, "besides, that's only one person, your real storyline has millions of people actually watching you," Sam grinned rubbing her hands together, "aren't you glad I didn't write a graphic sex scene, eh?" Jack and Hurley blanched. She certainly seemed evil enough to do that.
"So, I expect the real reason we're on this island and all the crazy phenomenon happing because of us is because…" Jack started.
"Because the writers are doing so. There's no other reason for it. You're just great entertainment." Sam giggled, once again rubbing her hands.
"That's not the real reason, is it?" Hurley looked at her. She blushed.
"No…Ha, I'm no longer sure. You see, the third season is already out in America and I don't know what the heck is happening, being all the way down in New Zealand."
"Oh…well, dude." Hurley said, lost for words.
"Oh, I've been meaning to say this for the last few paragraphs, but I'm kinda procrastinating, that's why I'm writing this." She faced the reader again.
"Procrastinating for what?"
"An exam."
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
"Whoa, dude."
"I love writing 'dude' all the time." She giggled randomly, "and I love procrastination." Jack groaned.
"Oh God, make this stop." He massaged his temples.
"Alright, alright, stop being so impatient. I'll get to wrapping this up in a second." Sam frowned. She snapped her fingers….
…….
And they were on the beach with the rest of the cast and original characters. Most of them looked confused at their surroundings and then pretty much all of them looked at the tallish, plumpish, pale young woman with bright blue eyes.
"Hello peoples, my name's Samantha Westend aka Angel Uriel. I've come to finish this story and wait for the crowds of angry fan peoples to flame me at the stake." She announced, her fear of crowds magically gone due to the magic of fanfiction. Everyone looked freaked out and looked for some means of escape by what looked like a very evil person. However there was none, due to the very evil person being very evil. Mwahahahaaaaaa!
"So, you're the one that's been messing around with us." Charlie said, somehow knowing that things that had been happening were due to some divine Angelic power.
"Yup, for the past year and a half. And to think this will all be over in the next few paragraphs! Yay!" she whooped as the sound of fast keyboard strokes filled the air, "I'm on a roll peoples!"
"Merde, would you kindly 'urry up. I'm seek of being mocked for mah accent, just because I'm French." Danielle huffed, putting her nose in the air.
"First, say: the thesaurus and the thesis is in the house." Sam chuckled, ignoring proper grammar.
"Ze Zesaurus et ze zesees ees in ze 'ouse." She repeated because she had no choice. Sam cracked up laughing and didn't stop for a few minutes. She looked at her watch.
"Hoo, nearly dinnertime, I'll hurry this up." She pressed the magic fast forward button Kate and hey, presto! She delivered a beautiful baby boy.
"What the hell?" Kate said, holding the squalling child in her arms. Jack was already cooing over it.
"We're calling him Christian." He said, tickling the baby's feet, making it scream louder.
"Hell no, we're calling it Thomas." She said and the two began to argue over who would get the middle name position. Meanwhile, Sam was smooching Sawyer.
"Goddamn, I've been wanting to do that for years." She said, breaking away, leaving a befuddled hot man. She did likewise for Charlie and he magically turned into a hobbit. Ok, now I'm officially on crack.
…Press the magic rewind button…
"Hell no, we're calling it Thomas."
"Quiet you two, I'm calling him Hunter. So that's final." Samantha huffed. Meanwhile, the reader was by this time thinking of some evil flames to post to this girl. Samantha chuckled in this knowledge, knowing that this is the last chapter and she wouldn't be posting any more and flames wouldn't affect her. Ha ha!
"Ok, so the deal was that everyone was to break up and look for little Aaron here, who happens to be one of the New Messiahs. They all get captured and have to break out otherwise the entire would be broken up due to giant electromagnetic forces placed on earth many (3) decades before the main storyline. In Jack's absence, Kate has the baby and the Other's waiting for the second of the New Messiahs, pounce on them. Meanwhile, Sawyer defeats the entire army single-handedly and dies a true Boromir's death protecting his friends and his love Kate. Jack with resolve goes and destroys the machinery along with Locke and the world is saved. With the electromagnetic forces gone, boats and planes pick up rescue signals and everyone on the beach is saved. Everyone is happy, except for Sawyer and Sun, who are dead.
"I thought that was lame and too much of my time, so I've ended it like this. Oh, and Sawyer scores with Ana-Lucia before he dies, and she gets pregnant, not the other way around…and he's not pregnant." She explained to a captive audience.
"Why do I die?" Sawyer growled.
"Because you're hot and cool, and everyone hates it when eye-candy dies." Sam sniffed. She looked at her watch again. Time to go.
"Alrighty, back to your normal storyline on international television." She said brightly and pressed the button.
…The Magical Cop-out Button…
Everyone wakes up from their respective sleep on the island, and the collective thought is…
WHAT. THE. FUCK???
END
MWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA, I am so evil.
Quiet you lot. This is one way of finishing a fanfic which was really going nowhere. Now I don't have to worry about it never being finished. And I have one less thing to update. At least I hope it got a laugh out of you guys who are not incensed about being cheated from a story. Besides, I'm sure you guys are noware on to the next season and therefore the next level of fanfics. Anyway, if you're anything like me, you dislike original characters, AU and unfinished stories. Think of it as a bullet to put out of one's misery.
See Ya Laters Peoples.