Author: Angel of Fire SG1
Rating: PG
Pairings: Sheppard/Weir - friendship (but you know, very close to being ship ship)
Spoilers: Everything up to Runner, specifics for Siege Part 3, Before I Sleep, Letters From Pegasus,Runner and Intruder
Disclaimer: Someone named Luke Skywalker dropped by last night and handed me the rights to Atlantis...so it's now mine, mine, mine...or you know, it might still belong to Robert C Cooper & Brad Wright but I'm boring it currently...

The Special Two

"You didn't seem to have a problem with mercy when it came to Colonel Sumner."

The waves kicked up at the bottom of the city, splashing against the wall calmly, not harming anyone, yet seemingly taking their anger out on Atlantis. White spray flew threw the air, but never quite reached the landing that was many feet above them, never reaching the figure that stood there, searching for redemption within himself.

The words, spoken earlier by Colonel Caldwell, echoed through John Sheppard's mind. Was that all any of them thought of him? As having killed Colonel Sumner because he disliked him? Had they thought it easy for him to squeeze the trigger? It had been one of the hardest decisions in his life, and he'd made a few hard ones, yet they all condemned him for it, judging him before they'd even met.

He knew Caldwell was bitter, he hadn't known why, but he'd sensed it had something to do with what had happened on Earth. He'd been an improvement on Everett when he'd first appeared on the Daedalus, saving them, yet now he felt as though he'd done something to offend the man, but something he didn't remember doing.

John leaned forward on the railing, looking down at the ocean, at the place that had changed Lieutenant Ford forever. It had seemed like such a calm, forgiving place once, yet now it held a sense of foreboding, and it brought inside of him the feelings of guilt. It was his fault that Ford was where he was. He hadn't done enough to protect him. His friend.

He could have looked earlier, he should have looked immediately when he got back to Atlantis, should have known something was wrong when he was missing. He could have prevented him from being as far gone as he'd been. And he should have.

"You know, Aiden mentioned you in that tape message he sent…he said you were a good man, that he trust you with his life. You tell me Colonel…was that trust misplaced?"

Ford had trusted him with his life, had known that John would do anything to save him – but he hadn't. He'd watched him as he ran away, watched him as he'd left Atlantis, and been unable to stop him. John wasn't sure what he could have done, but he was sure he could have done something, something more than he had done. He'd stood by and watched as his friend and team-mate had flown the puddlejumper through the gate and away.

And he failed to bring him home when he'd had the chance. Ford had been there, in front of him, he should have talked to him, made him come back to the jumper, he was sure if he'd tried hard enough he could have done it, but instead he chose to shoot at him, to follow Caldwell's orders.

"Ford! Keep your hands where I can see 'em…"
Ford put his hands up.
"We wanna help…"
Ford shook his head slightly. He reached for his handgun and John aimed at his leg, taking fire. It didn't halt him, merely burdened him for what seems like a second.
"You're not getting off this planet."
"I'll show you…You'll see!"

And he'd jumped into the path of a Wraith dart; he'd been taken by them, voluntarily. And what had John done? Nothing, he'd stood and watched: he'd tried to show Aiden that they still cared, that they wanted him there, but he couldn't see it. It seemed as though somewhere inside Ford had cut off every emotion connecting him to his past-life, that all he cared about now was being powerful. He didn't want help, he didn't want to go back to normal, he wanted to be powerful, to hunt Wraith for the rest of his life, and John couldn't watch him do that. He knew the real Aiden Ford was still underneath there somewhere, but he couldn't reach him, he'd tried and he couldn't get there.

"Now, thanks to you, he's in enemy hands with information that could compromise all of us."
"I don't think he'll give us away."
"Oh thank you so much for your assurance, Colonel, I'll be sure to include your feelings in my report…"

How could he even know anymore? How could he be sure that Ford wouldn't give them away? He didn't seem to care…

John closed his eyes, he knew better than that. Ford's brain chemistry might be scrambled, but it was still the same person inside, and he would die before giving away information about Atlantis or Earth. How come Caldwell couldn't believe that? Why didn't he trust him?

Because you're not trustworthy, John reminded himself. Ford trusted you with his life and you let this become of him…

John heard the door slide open, but he ignored it, not wanting to turn around, not wanting to invite whoever it was to join him, he wanted to be alone.

But he knew who it was, the only person who would know to find him there, and who would always manage to do so.

"The gate address will be in the log, there's still a chance…"
"It doesn't matter where he goes, the second he gets to wherever he's going, he'd gonna ditch the jumper, turn around and dial another address – one we can't trace."
"We'll find him."
"Maybe."
"Hey…at least we're still around to try."
"Yeah…"

Elizabeth had watched him from the top of the staircase for at least a quarter of an hour. The city was pretty much silent, most people either off exploring other planets, or taking the day off as it was Saturday. John wasn't doing either, instead he'd remained standing there, and after a few strange glances from people working in the control room Elizabeth had stepped outside onto the balcony.

John didn't move, not even a flinch as he heard the door, but continued staring down at the ocean, not out over it like he had before, but down at where she knew the waves would be crashing against the metal walls of the city.

Without even seeing his face she recognised the look it would hold, the expression she'd seen too many times on his face in the past months. He held a lot of emotion, both good and bad, inside of him, and stopped anyone else from getting through his shield to the city below it. His exterior appeared happy enough, he had fun, watched the same football match that he'd brought with him over and over, made fun of McKay, did his work well, even flirted with the occasional woman, but inside she knew there was a much deeper volcano of emotional baggage that would lie dormant for a very long time.

"Lieutenant Ford is just finishing recording personal messages from all the team members…if you'd like?"
"I'm good."

She approached him, not entirely sure if he wanted company, but knowing that was what he needed. He'd blocked himself off from people long before the Atlantis expedition, but she could see it getting worse every day that Ford was gone. They all missed him, Elizabeth sometime's felt herself close to tears when she thought of his smiling face, of what had happened to him. But she could see John beating himself up over for hours, alone, refusing to let anyone else share the blame for what had happened to him.

"Hey…" she said, quietly, leaning on the balcony railing next to him.

He didn't look at her, but he did look up, out over the ocean. She studied his face, the expression she knew would be there was clearly present, the hollowness that appeared in his eyes when he did this to himself was there, and she could see that inside he was crying. He would never do such a thing outwardly, he wouldn't show that emotion, not to anyone, but inside it ate away at him as though his life was being sucked away by a Wraith.

"Don't do this, John," she said.

She felt her insides shattering with emotions, she wanted to help him, so much, she wanted to make him stop blaming himself for things that weren't his fault. She couldn't watch him like this, it hurt her, it hurt her to see anyone like this, but seeing him like that was worse somehow, maybe because of the deep connection she'd some how felt building between them over the year they'd spent in Atlantis.

"I have to," he replied, his voice not full of its usual confidence, wavering slightly.

"John, it's not your fault, you did everything you could, you've done more than anyone would ever hope their friend to do," she touched his arm lightly.

He turned to look at her and she could feel his hollowness coming through his eyes and drilling into her. It scared her, as much as seeing Ford almost strangle Beckett had, but this was brought about by his own doing, not by that of a Wraith enzyme flooding his bloodstream.

"I should have done more," he whispered. "I should have saved him…he should be here!"

She felt the urge to move backwards, his tone growing louder, angrier, but she stood her ground not planning to let him drive her away as she knew he was trying to.

"Elizabeth, wait…"
"You can't…"
"I have to and you know it."
"John…go…"

"I failed him, Elizabeth…he trusted me with his life and I failed him."

John waited for her reply, knowing exactly what she was going to say. She didn't understand, but she tried, she was a good friend, better than he was to anyone.

"John, you have saved this city and everyone on it multiple times, you can't save everyone…I know that's hard to live with but you…can't save everyone – and when you fail you keep trying, he's not gone yet," Elizabeth replied.

He turned so his whole body was facing her, resting his hand on the base of her neck. "I have to try and save everyone…I know you don't understand that, but I have to."

"Why?" she replied, so quietly he barely heard it.

He looked at her eyes, at the new-found look of hardship, of having been through battle and mass loss, something he knew she'd never experienced before. He didn't want her to know what he'd been through, what he'd done, and how many he'd failed, but he wanted her to understand that he had to try, that he had to save Ford.

He didn't answer her, and after a few moments he could see in her eyes that she accepted it, that she knew she wasn't getting an answer. He wanted to hold her, to reach forward and put his arms around her and feel her around him to know she was alive, and in return know he was also alive, because at that moment he didn't feel as though he was. His insides had returned to the darkness he'd fought for months before meeting Jack O'Neill and learning about the Stargate.

It had given him hope, escape from Earth and from everything that had happened, yet here he'd found more misery, more loss and destruction. It followed him wherever he went, and no matter how many people he saved, the losses rained over them.

"Well, I'm home."
She approached him, smiling in a way he'd never seen her smile, and before he knew it her arms were around him, holding him closely. He placed an arm cautiously around her back, not entirely sure what was happening, and then she pulled back, placing her hands on his arms, as though afraid to let go.
"Yes, you are. I truly thought…"
"Yeah, yeah I thought the same thing about you a minute ago…we gotta stop that."
"I'd like that."

He looked at her eyes again, they stared directly into him, and he knew she saw past everything, past the façade he placed in front of him to hide who he really was from the others. She saw through it, yet she was still standing here offering him help, and he was refusing it.

The same way that Ford had refused his help.

It was like a punch in the chest as he realised what he was doing. He was pushing her away, trying to lock himself up by himself again, and she knew it. If he continued down that path he would end up with no one here, the same as he had on Earth.

"We're here for you, John…" she said. "I'm here for you."

She paused, the meaning getting through to him, no matter what, she would be there when everyone else was gone.

"We'll find him, I promise," she reached up and rested her hand on his arm.

It was then he realised his hand was still resting at the base of her neck. Before he knew it he'd pulled her into a hug, this time surprising her in the way she had him months earlier.

"Thank you, Elizabeth," he said, holding onto her as tightly as he could.

"Thank you, John," she replied, placing her arms around his torso.

He wanted to tell her so much more than 'thank you' but it was all that would come out. He was still full of guilt, but he knew he wasn't alone.

"We're about to start our mission briefing so…"
"I'll be right there…actually John…give me a minute will you?"
"Sure."

"Thank you, Elizabeth," his breath was against her ear, he'd pulled her so close, she could feel how scared he was.

"Thank you, John," she replied, putting her arms around him and holding on as well.

She knew it would look strange to anyone walking past and glancing out the window, but it was what he needed, to know he wasn't alone in the world, that he wasn't the only one who felt the way he did, but he had to live on.

She knew that was asking the impossible, but until that day, if it came, she would be there. And if it never came, then she would never leave.