METROID: con-FUSION
By tikitikirevenge.
Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…
Prologue
This prologue is very mysterious, and it is hard to guess who I am talking about.
The Chozo Ruins
Norfair
Planet Zebes
The Galaxy
Kraid's skull
Out of the darkness, a pair of eyes glowed, providing the only light in the chamber.
"Is it ready?" hissed a voice.
"Of – of course, our leader. We are confident that the final phases will be completed within the next three light-cycles."
"Good," said the leader of the… uh… group which may or may not be the space pirates, who we shall refer to as… uh… Ripley… for now. This wasn't the real name of the leader, though it could – I stress could – bear some connection to the real name. "But if this doesn't work, be warned that I may have to enlist you in you-know-where…"
"Not – not the Zebesian gym club!" stammered the creature which may or may not have been a space pirate. This is, after all, a prologue, so we don't need to know for sure, even if identities are glaringly obvious.
"Oh, and why not?" said Ripley.
"Because I am a loyal space pirate! I would never do anything to harm the cause! Please don't do this to me!"
"I tire of your begging," said Ripley. He swished his tail impatiently. "Come to think of it, you aren't even part of team Omega. There is no reason for me to spare you. Here…"
"No…" begged the space pirate – the possible space pirate, again. "I don't want to join the fiery gyms of Norfair!"
"After you failed to carry out even the simplest of orders?" The possible space pirate leader's voice was rising now, as was he, his wings expanding to create a frightening sight.
"I – I didn't realise you ordered iced tea, o great leader!"
"FOOL!" roared Ripley, his flaming breath singing the space pirate. "You know that I always have my tea iced! You are incompetent! You are a waste of resources! You are currently standing on my tail! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now."
The space pirate – possibly – thought quickly. "Uh… because I make a really good vodka?"
"Give me another good reason."
"And I always perform my duties perfectly!"
Ripley sighed. "Fine. I'll just sentence you to eternal torture."
"Noooo!"
Ripley flicked a small laminated card at the space pirate. "Present it to the front desk at the gym. They'll take you to a private room."
"You can't do this to me…"
"I," said Ripley, "can do anything I want, and you are going to stay in that gym for as long as I feel necessary." Noticing how glum the space pirate looked, if it was indeed a space pirate, he said, "Cheer up. It's not like it's swimming week or anything. That's the week where we practice swimming in acid."
The space pirate bowed his head. "I understand, o our great leader."
"Good. Leave. I have no further use for you… unless… I think I'll go check with our medical division if space pirates are low-GI. Stupid eating disorders – it's NOT ALL IN MY HEAD, I TELL YOU!"
And with a flap of his wings, he was gone.
Can anyone guess the identity of Ripley and the creature which could be a space pirate? It's not as hard as you might think…