Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the Harry Potter books or anything else written by J. K. Rowling. All I do own is this little bit of imagination. Please enjoy reading it.
- Trying to Forget -
I close my eyes for a second, shutting out the images I see over and over again. I always seem to do this. I always remember this feeling at the strangest times and always when I don't expect it. That's what makes the impact so strong each time, I suppose.
It doesn't matter if I try to think of something else, of the happy times, because this always comes back. This is always stronger than anything happy I can feel.
I open my eyes again because shutting them is pointless, I'll see the images anyway. I'll hear the words anyway.
Why does it still hurt me? It happened such a long time ago…I've gotten over it, I moved on. At least that's what I thought. I was passed all this and lingering in something that ended isn't like me.
But still…
Even though I know that you don't love me anymore, and though I know that my head tells me I love someone else now, even if I know that this person could be really good for me and that I really care for him, my heart just sometimes ignores this and reminds me of the feelings I once had for you.
Strange…
And this always makes me feel sad again. Not because I still love you…well, perhaps exactly because I still love you, I don't know anymore. But this sadness is mostly consistent of the fact that your love for me ended so suddenly while my own love kept growing stronger. It's a sadness of disappointment.
Why am I thinking like this? I'm happy now, aren't I? Then why do I always get a sudden flash of guilt whenever I realise that I can feel love for someone else too…
That's my problem, not yours. After all, you don't care anymore. You said those words, not me. I was quite happy with you, but you obviously weren't. So now I try to be happy with someone else and I know I should cherish the feelings.
Yet you still seem to come up in the back of my mind and ruin it for me. You don't have the right so stop it, okay? Stop hiding in my memories and disappear.
I don't want to hear your voice anymore. I don't want the ringing of the telephone to remind me of you for the rest of my life. I can't go round crying my eyes out every time someone tries to call me, can I?
'It's best if you don't come over…'What?
'I…err…you see…'No! No I didn't see! How was I supposed to know?
'It's not you…'It never is…
'But it's just that you were so far away…and-'I knew what you were going to say. I suppose that's why I didn't want you to finish your sentence. So I told you to be quiet, but you really needed to say those words to me out loud, didn't you.
'I met-'What was her name again?
'Irina…she's from my school and she's really quite nice.'
I'm sure she is.
I hold my breath. Why am I still so bitter? Because I was so sure back then and now I'm always confused and uncertain when it comes to these feelings.
'Please don't write me anymore.'
You didn't need to worry. I didn't want to anymore anyway.
'Irina…doesn't like it.'
Who could blame her? I wouldn't like the person I love to receive huge letters from another girl.
'I wanted to tell you face to face but I couldn't get the time off..'
I was quite surprised about his English. His accent had improved a lot. Perhaps working in so many different countries and talking English a lot helped.
'I could not write this down so I thought calling…'Yes, thank you Viktor. Calling was certainly a lot better. Now if you don't mind I'll go and throw myself in the lake. Perhaps the squid would like to help me drown my pain. Yes, I still feel it, okay?
It's not a nice thing to hear over the phone, is it. 'We're over.' I know you weren't happy about breaking up with me. I know it was a necessary evil for you.
I just know that it will keep with me for ever, even if I try to forget. I'll never be able to feel the same for someone else, it will always be different. And I also know I will always compare everyone to you and your love even though I don't mean to.
You were my first love, Viktor, if you like it or not. And if you like it or not, if I like it or not, I will always remember you and everything we ever did together.
I just hope I can get on soon. I want to. I feel something like I felt for you for someone else now and I don't want to feel guilty about it anymore. I want to be able to love him without thinking about you.
I want to love him…I want to truly love Ron…
And I can't do that while still remembering you so vividly. So I'm saying goodbye to my memories of you for now. I'm going to try and forget everything, from all our moments together to every kiss.
So I can love properly again.
- The End -