Harry Potter and the Cliches of DOOM
Draco watched Harry pace back and forth outside of the prefects bath. Shouldn't he be in his common room by now? That is, after all, what Dumbledore had ordered...
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for being out in a time of emergency!" Draco yelled as he sprang out of the shadows. Harry stopped his pacing and looked up.
"Twenty points? But--but you can't take points from me!"
"Oh? And why not?"
"Because...because we're in love!" Draco rolled his eyes. He was really in no mood for Potter's Gryffindorian antics, couldn't he see that? Honestly, he wasn't even wearing his leather trousers. Partly because they wouldn't fit due to the unseemly bloating that comes with pregnancy, but he certainly wasn't going to tellhim that.
"And you think that just because we're in love I can't take points from you? Really, Potter--"
"I've been up your bum, Draco, I really think you can call me by my first name now." Harry's comment brought Draco back to exactly what he had come looking for Harry for, and his anger mounted all over again. He hissed the password to the baths, and dragged Harry inside. Harry started to take off his shirt, but Draco grabbed his arms and pressed him against the wall.
"Speaking of being up my bum! Speaking of that! SPEAKING OF THAT!"
Harry was bewildered.
"Er...yes...speaking of that...?" Draco paused, and thought how to best handle the situation.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for getting me pregnant!"
"WHAT?" Harry wrestled out of Draco's grip and jumped back, shocked. A man, pregnant? This was ridiculous!
"You heard me! Pregnant! With child! In the family way! I've got a bun in the oven! Take your pick, Pott-"
"Harry."
"Take your pick, Harry, but that's how it is! I. Am. Pregnant!" Harry sagged against the wall in shock. Well, this was odd. Only several days of being in love and he was already going to be a father. Suddenly, a huge grin spread across Harry's face.
"You're pregnant!" he whispered happily. Draco rolled his eyes and tapped his foot impatiently. This is what he got for falling in love with a Gryffindor, though, wasn't it? An insane amount of witlessness.
"I think I've already mentioned that one."
"This is great!"
"GREAT? You think this is GREAT? I can't believe you! What if people find out about this? Do you know how hard it is to be intimidating when your nine months pregnant?" Harry shook his head. He didn't have any idea, and he was pretty sure Draco didn't either.
"Come on! You mean you don't think this is wonderful? A baby! A product of our love! A combination of rather great shagging session! The fruit of our loins! The--"
"Potter, SHUT IT." Harry stopped speaking and pouted a little.
"Draaaacoooo," he cooed, slowly undoing the buttons ofDraco's shirt. Draco swatted his hand away, scowling. There was absolutely no way he was letting Potter get into his uncharacteristically large trousers that night. But Harry didn't stop. Instead he just moved down to said uncharacteristically large trousers, with a sly, very Slytherin smile on his face as he undid the zip in a painfully slow fashion.
"Fine," Draco said with a sighonce his trousers were down around his ankles and Harry was looking up at him expectantly. "But I get to be on top this time, all right?"
Mary Sue crept slowly down the stairs of Gryffindor Tower, clutching her amulet. If Dumbledore thought she was just going to peacefully sleep while Voldemort was out there, hissing up a storm and killing people left and right, he had another think coming! Grinning wildly, she stepped into the common room and whispered, "Lumos," only to be greetedby the sight of a half-naked Ron and Hermione snogging on the couch. Ron immediately jumped up and raised his hands as if to say, "I didn't do a thing!" and Hermione turned bright red as she moved to quickly cover herself up with Ron's shirt. Mary Sue pouted. And she'd thought that Ron was all hers!
"What are you doing down here?" Hermione whispered angrily.
"I could ask the same thing of you!" Mary Sue said, her eyes brimming with tears. "I can't believe you did this to me!" she bawled, rounding on Ron. "I thought you were my One True Love!" Ron had the grace to look more than slightly embarassed as Hermione made a noise of disbelief from her place on the couch.
"Oh, honestly! This can't be true!" Hermione looked at Ron. "Right, Ron?"
"Er...well...we did snog--"
"YOU SNOGGED?"
"Once! Once! It was just ONCE, that one time after Potions-"
"AFTER POTIONS?"
"Yes! ONE TIME AFTER POTIONS! All right, I admit it! I went behind your back and I snogged ONCE with Mary Sue in a broom closet after Potions!" Hermione gasped and stared at Ron. Then, she slapped him hard across the face and ran from the common room crying. "Er...that didn't turn out well..." Ron muttered.
Mary Sue, on the other hand, could have clapped her hands with glee. That annoying swot Hermione was gone, and good riddance! She slowly walked up to Ron and put her arms around his waist, pouting.
"Help me defeat the Dark Lord, will you?" Ron considered it. Here he was in the middle of the night, alone in the common room with an insanely attractive exchange student just begging her to help him defeat the Dark Lord. Though he thought she might have been talking about the actual Dark Lord rather than some obscure reference to her viriginity, he nodded.
"Alright, I'll help you. Just let me get my wand!"
Lord Voldemort was upset. Not only had he been stuck in a shack in the Forbidden Forest for ages, but Wormtail had forgotten to pick up his dry cleaning. AGAIN. It was a shame he couldn't AK the stupid rat. Sighing, Voldemort leaned back in his chair and took a toothpick to his teeth, fishing out the remains of his delightful lunch of caviar and foie gras. It took several seconds for the illustrious Lord of Darkness to realise that there was a knock on his door.
It's Wormtail with the dry cleaning! he thought with glee as he pulled open the door.
But it wasn't Wormtail with the dry cleaning. It was two students. One, a blonde, beautiful witch with a glint in her eye and a very scary amulet, the other a very scared, horny-looking redhead with freckles and a smile.
Well. This was odd.