Disclaimer: I, the almighty (to a small extent) enVii, (okay, okay, to NO extent) hereby declare that I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any other copyrighted…things. None at all……………..DON'T LISTEN! I'm only saying this at gunpoint – it's not- (a loud BANG is heard…)
The Mysterious Person Who Isn't Me Conspiracy
"Great – just great! Now that our boat's been eaten by sharks we're stuck on an island again!" spat Edward.
"Yeah, what are we supposed to do now?" asked Lust.
Envy simply smirked. "Learn from the master," he said, pausing for a moment before clicking his fingers.
At that very moment, a rescue blimp came to land on the island.
Roy decided to give it a try, but his clicking only resulted in setting the island ablaze. "Damn," he said.
The door to the blimp swung opened and a figure leaned out. "Hurry – get in!"
They didn't hesitate.
Once they were all safely inside, it was time for the explanation. "Envy!" yelled Dante, "How did you make that happen?" she asked, on behalf of all the others.
"Let's just put it like this – the fangirls saw me in danger, the fangirls came to rescue me with a blimp."
"What do you mean 'let's just put it like this'?" asked Edward, "That's exactly what happened so how could you have put it any other way?"
"I don't know…I could've added robots or something."
"So who are you?" Lust asked their mysterious saviour.
"Ummm, ahhhh…" said the pilot, taking off her hat with all the corks hanging off and adjusting her mask so that they wouldn't be able to discover her identity, "just…no one in particular!"
"Say," said Wrath, "is that a 'Namu and the Special Deer 4 eva!' badge you're wearing?"
Roy squinted, "So wait a second – does that mean you're…"
"NO! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG!" and with that she jumped out the window.
"But you don't have a parachute," said Hohenheim.
All of a sudden she had a parachute and drifted down safely.
"Who has the power to make parachutes appear and gain blimp-piloting skills all of a sudden when they're obviously not really qualified?" asked Edward. "OH! Now I get it……no wait, I don't get it at all."
"That reminds me," said Envy, "now that we don't have a pilot we're plummeting to our doom!"
"I hate plummeting to my doom," said Lust, "it's just one of those things that I hate."
"Can't you do alchemy or something?" Sloth asked Wrath, Edward, Hohenheim and Dante.
"WHY DIDN'T ANYONE ASK ME?" asked Roy.
"Well can you?" asked Wrath.
"…maybe………..no," he hung his head in shame.
"Still plummeting here…" Envy reminded them.
"Don't worry," said Hohenheim, "hitting the ground after falling this far would result in extremely graphic, violent, bloody deaths – and this is rated 'T', so somehow we're not going to die!"
"How did you know it was rated 'T'?" asked Edward.
"The screen of course," he said, pointing to the computer screen at the pilot's seat.
"This is the script! So that means that girl really was-"
Luckily, but not unexpectedly, the blimp landed in the sea, just off the coast.
"We're alive!" yelled Edward, but the sins were glaring at him. "Well…sort of."
"So let's hurry up and get to shore so we can find Greed and go home," said Envy.
"Nah," said Wrath sarcastically, "we won't hurry up because we're all just enjoying being stuck out at sea on this crazy adventure…"
"Well it looks like Roy is," said Envy.
Sure enough, Roy was tormenting small fish and splashing around happily. "I love to swim!" he sang, until he remembered that he couldn't. "AHH! I don't have my floaties! I need my floaties!" he screamed, and started clinging on to Wrath for dear life.
"Can't…breathe!" cried Wrath, who was far too small and ended up being dragged under the water along with Roy.
Just in time, the surf lifesavers turned up and saved them all. "Remember to swim between the flags next time, dudes," they said.
"Uhh, in case you didn't notice, we just crash-landed from a blimp…" said Wrath.
"Hey wait – how could you possibly NOT notice? We were still clinging on to it when you rescued us!" said Dante.
"Well…" said the surf lifesavers, "…RUN!" they yelled to each other and off they ran.
"There's something fishy going on here," said Edward.
"Sorry," Roy said, smelling his uniform. "But you know what? I don't think they were real lifesavers at all…"
Everyone did the anime fall.
"Has Roy always been this stupid?" asked Lust.
"Only since Greed got taken away – we were missing that major stupidity aspect," Edward explained.
"Colonel Stupidity!" said Roy.
"Listen," said Lust, "does anyone have any ideas as to how we find Greed now?"
"I think it's more important that we find shelter for the night," said Hohenheim, "if we don't want to be eaten alive by killer wallabies, that is."
(enVii: maybe not killer…but we did have to run from them at camp…or was that just from murderers? I don't remember…)
"But who would let a bunch of strangers like us stay at their house?" asked Edward.
"Who wouldn't?" said Envy, adjusting his hair.
Just then a limousine pulled up next to them. "Are you the 'FMA gang'?" asked the driver.
"Leave this to me," Roy whispered to the others, "Yes…yes we are…" he told the driver, very suspiciously with his eyes shifting from side to side.
"You don't have to act like that you dimwit!" said Sloth, "WE REALLY ARE THE FMA GANG!"
"Nice work there, Sloth," Roy whispered to her, "you're a natural."
"Well," said the driver, "someone's willing to let you bunch of strangers stay at their house."
"Yes…yes of course they are…" said Roy even more suspiciously. "You're doing great," he whispered to the driver.
"…?"
"ROY!" yelled Envy.
"Don't worry – I can handle him," Roy told Lust. "Listen Envy, I don't know what you think is going on here but I can assure you you've got it all wrong…"
"ROY – Envy is on our side! In fact, there are no sides! Stop acting like this is some sort of under-handed scheme!" yelled Lust.
"Not to worry," Roy whispered to Envy, "we can knock her off at the next pit-stop if it looks like she's coming to close to the truth…"
They all got in the limo, and for the rest of the journey Roy's mouth was duct-taped shut.
"Soooooo," said Dante, "by the by, who's house ARE we going to?"
"Well," the driver answered, "we're going to the house of- OH! I LOVE THIS SONG!" he yelled, turning up the radio.
"Hey!" said Envy, "We want ans- OOH! I LOVE THIS SONG TOO!"
"My loneliness…is killing me!" they all sang.
"And I!" added Hohenheim.
"I must confess – I still believe!"
"I still believe!" added Edward and Envy.
"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" yelled Lust, "why do we keep ever-so-conveniently being stopped from finding out who this mysterious person is?"
Everyone had stopped to hear her out but then the big line came. "HIT ME BABY ONE MORE – AHHHHHHHHHHH!" The driver had gotten so into the song that he had closed his eyes – causing them to crash.
enVii: It's almost BBQ time - but first, WHO WILL SURVIVE THE CRASH? You'll never guess!
Roy: All of us, right?
enVii: O.o Well at least none of you know who the mysterious person is! -hides mask and incriminating disguise outfit-
Roy: Hey – where'd you get that 'Namu and the Special Deer 4 eva!' badge?
enVii: IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR!
Roy: You must have got it at the same place as that mysterious person!
enVii: …uhh…yes of course…
This has been an enVii-corp production – enVii is a proud member of-
Pride: heheh…proud…
A-hem! As I was saying, enVii is a proud member of EAECCIASWIBY (pr. ee-chi-a-swee-bee), 'Ed And Envy Can Co-exist In A Story Without It Being Yaoi' - JOIN TODAY!