Disclaimer: This story is a Deus Ex parody, inspired by The Eurostar Galaxy's excellent story, which seems to be abandoned. Special thanks to FAQ GOD from gamefaqs, because his script bypassed the need to replay the game again. Deus Ex belongs to Eidos (I think) and this story belongs to me. On with the humour.
Parody Ex
JC smoothed his hair and combed his trench coat with his hand. He checked if his body armor was sufficiently waxed. Lookin' good, JC he thought to himself. He leaped onto the dock, rolling into a crouch position. Corporal Collins sighed as JC attempted to look seriously cool. Emphasis on 'attempted'. JC stood up, brushed himself down and proceeded onto the dock. A nerdy guy popped up in his infolink. "Heads up JC..."
"A bomb!" JC yelled, diving to his right and rolling into another crouch position.
"sigh Jaime told me about your intelligence. Anyway, your brother Paul is on his way to meet you at the dock. The NSF are raiding the island and shots have been fired..."
"No shit"
"I repeat: find paul. I will monitor your situation from HQ" Get back to space invaders dude, this is for the pro's.
JC walked up to his brother who was patrolling the dock. "Paul! I thought you were at Donkey Kong!"
"Hong Kong JC. Might as well start using your codename. Think I'd miss my brother's first day?"
"You must have fucked up real bad on your assignment. What'd you do? Kill some hostages? Crash a jet into a village?"
"That doesn't matter. What matters is that terrorists have raided the statue"
"Wow, pointing out the obvious seems to be UNATCO's specialty"
"Your orders are to go into the statue, rescue Gunther Hermann, interrogate the commander, and come back to HQ for tea and biscuits"
"All I've got with me is a comb and hair gel. I don't mind a pointless mission, but UNATCO better issue some hardware"
"Remember that we're highly cool generic super soldiers. Stick with the comb. It'll confuse your opponents or make them laugh at you. Just in case though, Manderley wants you to pick an additional style product. A toothpaste, soap, or mini-hairdryer."
"Never know if I might find a mirror. Give me the soap"
"The soap might be useful. I can see spots all over your face."
"Sorry Captain Perfect. What's the first move?"
"Go meet some bum on the other dock, talk to him, get a key and go into the statue. It doesn't matter if you kill everyone because UNATCO will just kill them anyway."
JC then proceeded onto the island. He saw some crates, but decided he didn't need to get their contents. He could just use his super kung-fu skills. JC ran up to one of the NSF and started combing his hair.
"Thought I saw someone. A guy in a coat"
JC thought about the best way to tackle this situation. He kicked the terrorist straight in the balls.
"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!...AH!" the terrorist screamed as he fell to the floor writhing in pain. JC felt pleased with himself and surveyed the area. He decided to head towards HQ, but not before picking up the nearby TNT crate. He moved forward with the crate.
"Hey did that crate move?" one of the terrorists asked.
"Quiet, I heard something" the other said.
"Yeah it was me talking"
"Quiet, think we got cops"
JC suddenly had a moment of brilliance. He dropped the crate, and took aim at it. This'll blow those amateurs away he thought. Jacobson popped up in his view.
"JC DON'T! YOU'LL KILL YOURSELF!"
"Your just jealous you never thought of this first" JC said as he shot the crate.
JC woke up in what looked like a makeshift cell. He felt like he had been hit by a train.
"I can cut power to the door... wait, this isn't the right cell. Shit"
"What the hell?" JC asked himself. He saw Gunther standing nearby.
"Gunther, you're just as fat and ugly as Jaime said"
"I cant vind a vay oot of zis cell, how are ve gooing to escape now?"
"Gunther, even I can see the brick next to the door"
"Vat brick?"
JC sighed as he pushed in he protuding brick near the door. The door opened. He saw a mirror on the opposite wall. His breathing became heavy. He unholstered his soap.
"No agent, zere are camaras!"
Gunther's pleas were futile as JC raced to the mirror. He wetted the soap with a nearby tap and began rubbing his hands on the white block. The security camera began bleeping, but JC was oblivious to this as he washed his face.
"Scrub-a-dub-dub, agent in the tub" he sang to himself.
"I don't believe zis" Gunther sighed as the alarm went off. The turret above the door began firing at JC.
"Do you mind you ugly piece of metallic shit?" he shouted. "Oh fuck, I think I'm dying". Gunther raced out of the room and snapped the turret off it's hinges. He then ate it.
"Gunpowder, gooood. Metal, goooood. Digestive system being vipped apart by turret, not so gooood". Gunther fell to the floor, bullets firing out of his chest. "It's almost a skul-gun" he said to himself. JC left the room and walked straight through the laser trip-wires. Guards poured into the room. JC ran up the stairs.
"Mommy!" he yelled.
He didn't stop and eventually reached a ladder. He climbed up the ladder and hid behind a crate. "I think I'm safe here" he told himself.
"Don't shoot! I surrender!"
"Who the hell are you?"
"Err, I'm the night-janitor. I'll just go home now"
"Go right ahead, by the way, have you seen an NSF commander nearby?"
"Urm, yeah, he was near a gas grenade. When it starts beeping, stop and don't move. He'll find you there"
"Thanks dude" JC said as he began his search for a gas grenade. Alex popped up again.
"Uh, JC, we have reason to believe that was the commander."
"That friendly guy? No way" JC said. He saw a gas grenade and approached it. It started beeping. "See, he never lied. Guess you can eat your words Alex" Alex sighed. The grenade blew, toxic gas filling the room.
"Now this wasn't in the UNATCO manual. Alex, what the hell's going on?"
"JC abort the mission. You didn't rescue Gunther, and you didn't capture the commander. Manderley will be pretty annoyed."
"Wooo, look at all the pretty colours" JC said dreamily as he passed out. A UNATCO troop approached his body. "The chief finally let us loose. We were right behind you and cut through them like a hot knife through butter."
JC woke up, for the second time that night, in what seemed to be a hospital. Jaime approached him. "Why the hell did you tell Gunther that I thought he was fat and ugly? He shot me in the chest FIVE times!" JC decided his life wasn't worth the effort and tried to go back asleep. "Oh no you don't" Jaime said as he used a stun prod on JC. JC suddenly jumped to his feet. "Better. Now report to Manderley. He's pretty annoyed with you JC".
JC stepped out of Jaime's office and decided to check in with Carter.
"Yo pimp Carter, whassup!"
"I'm not a pimp anymore JC, just Carter."
"I can't believe what the NSF did to your cocaine stash"
"That's enough soldier. I lost my cocaine stash, but you lost your ecstasy pills. Which one is worse? I don't think it matters"
"That was different. I was going to sell them anyway"
"Whatever. I've got a multi-tool, lockpick, ammo or a banana. Pick one and go see Manderley"
"You haven't got any style products?"
"No, some thief robbed them" As Carter said that, Shanon walked by. Damn her hair looks good JC thought to himself.
"Well, I'll take the ammo."
"JC, you don't have a gun for the ammo"
"God damnit, I ask for a style product, no. I ask for ammo, no. Screw you!"
JC left Carter's office and headed upstairs. He entered Janice Reed's office. "Go right in JC. Manderley's expecting you. By the way I have your computer login here. Hmm, looks like Alex decided something encrypted would be better. It's login 'JCRetard' password 'bionicfucker'.
"Thanks" JC said as he entered Manderley's office. He looked around. He saw some old guy sitting in Manderley's seat.
"Hey old guy, where's the chief?"
"I'm the chief!" Manderley replied
"Oh. JC Denton reporting for duty sir."
"Do I really look that old?"
"Erm, I don't know what to say."
"Well, you screwed up this mission, but that's ok. Since we payed 50 billion dollars to create you, we're going to give you a second chance, for the economy if nothing else."
"Go economy!"
"Go blow up some generator in New York. If Anna asks to stop at Castle Clinton, tell her to piss off."
"Ok sir" JC said as he exited Manderley's office. He left HQ and approached the dock. He lept onto the boat, landing in a splits position. New... worlds of pain JC thought to himself. "Let's head out" the boat driver said, ignoring JC's screams of agony.
"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH..."