IN THE END
Acepilot

Acknowledgements -

- To my fellow unfortunates at Deakin, thank you for keeping me sane.

- CountryLink NSW, for keeping your trains late and letting me get work done.

- All those who contributed to my record collection which has influenced this fic no end.

- Everyone at the AGU Boards and who read and reviewed my fics, wrote their own that I enjoyed and learnt from, and otherwise bantered with me in one way or another.

- And most of all, Chuckangie needs an acknowledgement of his own. This incredible artist himself has found time to beta many of the chapters of this fic and helped them form the shape they are now. It wouldn't have been possible without him. Let there be praise.

Love Your Way
Acepilot

AN - This is the first book in a series of three that collectively make up "In The End". It's not really an epic, just complicated. This fic is quite dark (though that's mostly all in Chapter 2), but it gets better in later chapters, I promise. It pretty much all ends happily, even if it seems like it won't. I hope you enjoy this fic, I've put a lot of work into it.

Disclaimer - The characters of AGU are property of KlaskyCsupo. The song "Love Your Way" is written by Powderfinger (all hail).

---

"We all experience within us what the Portugese call 'saudade', which translates as an inexplicable longing, an unnamed and enigmatic yearning of the soul."
Nick Cave.

---
Lil
---

I push open the door to the apartment, gazing around it levelly. It's pretty much as I expected. The music playing on the stereo system is miserable, there's an old black-and-white movie left unkept on the TV, and the smell of alcohol and smoke is heavy on the air.

I find him, unsurprisingly, in the kitchen, gazing longingly out a window. At the night sky above, at the outside world. The smell of alcohol is stronger the closer I get to him, and the cigarette in his hand is evidently not the first he's smoked tonight, judging by the pile in the makeshift-ashtray on the bench.

"Next time you plan on getting wasted, give me a call, will you?" I ask.

He chuckles half-heartedly and has another puff. "Think you can stop me, or do you just want to join in?"

I slump down in the nearest dining-room chair and drop my handbag on the floor. "Bit of both, really." I forgo the whiskey offered, favouring the wine bottle. There's a glass set up for me already. Unsurprising that he can read my mind. We're twins after all. "So I guess you're not taking it well."

He shrugs. "Nup. Don't tell me you're surprised."

I shake my head. "No, I'm not. I'm pretty much the same, truth be told."

"You hide it well," he observes, pouring himself another drink.

"I hide it better," I disagree, sipping the red cautiously. "I thought you gave up smoking," I point out.

"I took it back up," he tells me. "I only gave it up because she didn't like it."

"Ah," I mutter. There doesn't really seem to be anything else to say.

"What's your favourite thing about him?" he asks. When I throw him a concerned look, he shrugs. "Humor me."

I lean back in my seat, holding my wine glass contemplatively. "His eyes. They're deep. He doesn't see things like everyone else. He sees everything from an artist's point of view. And it always feels like he sees through everything. To the truth of every thing that goes on around him."

He laughs bitterly. "He saw some truths. Just not all of them." He takes a deep breath and sips a bit more at his whiskey. "I love her hair. She never wears it down when she's out. She never wears it down around people in general. But she has it down around the house. It's longer than it seems. And it falls down around her shoulders like some kind of black curtain, and I just want to toy with it and run my fingers through it and stroke it until we fall asleep in each others arms."

Normally this conversation would have been awkward. But we've shared more intimate secrets than this. For all our fights, for all our differences, for all the difficulties we have with each other - we're brother and sister. It's not even that we're twins. But if there's one person who I can trust, who I can count on, who I can turn to unconditionally, it's him. Even when he's mad at me he wouldn't reveal my secrets. Even when he's driving me up the wall, I can't turn him away when he needs a shoulder to cry on.

Or a buddy to drink with.

"Do you think we'll ever get over them?" I ask.

He takes a drag of his cigarette and leans back to look at the ceiling. "I kind of hope not."

I know what he means.

"I never want to stop loving him, either," I agree.

When I leave, at some ungodly hour of the morning, they're still not back, and it makes me wonder if they're spending the night at his place. I shudder at the thought, but know that I have no-one to blame but myself. A classic case of leaving things too late.

I'm suddenly tempted to go back into the apartment and drink myself under the table, as Phil is almost certainly doing, but I resist. I'd only regret it. And if there's one thing my life doesn't need, it's more regret.

---
Kimmi
---

"So, how's it going with Tommy?"

I arch my eyebrow at my brother across the table. "You've been itching to ask that, haven't you?"

"For about twenty minutes now," he concedes. "So, come on, spill."

I shrug. "It's going great. We went out again last night, to that little French place on Jackson Street."

"Ah. Yeah, I went there once. Real posh. Very expensive."

I nod. "I know, I know. I kept wanting to tell him that we could go somewhere else, but he wouldn't have a bar of it. He really wanted to take me there."

"This is getting pretty serious then?" he asks, shaking some of his shaggy red hair out of his eyes as he sips at his coffee. "Should we be expecting Mom to break out the wedding book?"

"No!" I realize belatedly that that was a bit loud and slide a little lower in my seat.
"No. We're not that serious, thank you. We're good friends who are crossing the line into something more, and we've only just started on that path. So let's not be getting ahead of ourselves or anything."

It's his turn to raise a brow. "Come on, Kim. We've all known about this all for years. It's not like you two have made any great effort to hide your affection for each other."

"Yes, but having a mutual crush and actually forming a relationship are two completely different things." I gaze at him over the rim of my cup. "Anyway, everyone knows you and Angelica have a thing for each other but I don't see you two -"

"This isn't about me," he cuts me off. Any humor from our recent discussion left his eyes the same moment I mentioned Angelica. I'm dying to know what's happening there, but I'll find out soon enough, I guess.

"Okay, it's not," I recede from the topic. "Anyway, I don't think Tommy's going to want to rush into anything, either. We're still young."

"I know," Chuckie says. "Just don't leave it too long. You never know what's going to happen."

I smile softly. "Since when did you become so philosophical?"

He shrugs. "It's nothing."

I wouldn't count on it, but I can't be bothered arguing the point. I rise from the table and pull my coat on. "I've gotta go. Thanks for the lunch, though."

"No problem." He grins at me. "You sure Tommy won't be paying for it?"

"Goodbye," I reiterate as I walk out the door.

---

---
Phil
---

"She didn't come home last night."

"Ah. And how did you feel about this?"

"How do you think?"

"I'll take that as a 'not so great'."

"That'd be a good idea."

"Phil, I think I've got to be honest about this. This interest you have in Kimmi...it's getting to the point that I'd consider it unhealthy."

"It's not unhealthy. It's just...I don't know. Maybe it is unhealthy. Maybe I just won't admit it to myself."

"Maybe. Phil, I understand that you love this girl. But...I think that maybe, you've lost control of this situation. I understand that you're not entirely happy with this - and I don't blame you - but I don't think there's anything else you can do here. I think you've got to stand aside here. But understand this - I don't think you should give up. Just because Tommy and Kimmi are together now doesn't mean they will remain so forever. You've missed your chance now, but that doesn't mean you won't ever have another one."

"Yeah, whatever."

"I'm going to make you an appointment later today for a friend of mine, Dr. Thanas, maybe you've heard of him?"

"Yeah, a few of my friends go to him."

"I'm going to get you to talk to him, and I'm going to recommend that, if he agrees with me, you look into getting onto anti-depressants. Will that be okay?"

"Uh...thanks, but no. I think I'll just sit this one out."

"Look, Phil, it's possible you have clinical depression here -"

"No, I'm just depressed. Thanks for your time, Doc, but my hour's about up and I don't have the money to go overtime today."

"You know that's not a problem."

"No, it's alright. I've got to go, anyway."

"Think about what I said, though, Phil."

"I'll think about it."

"That's all I can ask, I guess."

"Goodbye, Doc."

"See you next week, Phil."

---
Kimmi
---

I slide my key into the lock and push the door to the apartment open, and have to fight the temptation to stagger backwards. I step in and try not to breathe too deeply. The place is clean enough, I guess, but the smell of alcohol and smoke is heavy in the air. I notice several open windows, but this is going to need serious airing out. Not just a brief breeze.

"You didn't come home last night."

I finally look away from the windows to see Phil standing, arms crossed, in the doorway.

I resist the urge to flinch. "I stayed at Tommy's."

He nods slowly. "Cool. Are you staying for dinner tonight?"

I shrug. "What are you making?"

"Lasagne," he tells me.

"With the tough crusty bits?" I ask, grinning broadly.

He nods and smiles at me, and I realise that it's been an age since I've seen that expression on his face. "Yep."

"I'm in," I tell him. "I'm just going to have a shower."

He nods slowly. "No rush. Won't be ready for an hour or so." He narrows his eyes. "So that should give you just enough time to check your make up. If you really are going to have a shower, I'll have to keep a plate warm."

I pick up a cushion off the sofa and fling it at him. "Watch it, mister."

He grins darkly at me. "You know you can't resist me."

"Let's just not put that to the test, shall we?" I call to him as I stroll through to the bathroom.

"Aw...why not?" he whines, following me to the door.

I peck him on the cheek as I pull my hair out of its ponytail. "Because if I could resist you, you'd be shattered."

"No fear!" he exclaims, holding his arms out in front of him in some hilarious karate move surely designed to incapacitate your opponents by making them laugh to the point of unconsciousness. "Phillip knows he is as amazing as he thinks he is."

"Just keep telling yourself that," I suggest, closing the door.

"Phillip has that effect on all the girls..."

---
Lil
---

Dear - ...

I don't think she went home last night, which means she was probably at his place the whole time.

Should I be happy for my two best friends? Wait a minute, don't answer that. It's such a stupid question, I can't believe I asked it. Of course I should be. I should be ridiculously happy for them. They've found happiness. I should be happy for them. I should be pleased to see them enjoying their lives.

I certainly shouldn't want to end their love.

Because he chose her. I mean, it wasn't like he had all the options available to him.
But...well, what does it matter? It's all in the past now. Of course, it's still happening, so I guess it's kinda in the present as well, but...well, you know what I meant. As much as a piece of paper can know what anything means. I mean that he made his choice already, and giving him options now wouldn't change anything. And it shouldn't.

I think I'm dealing with it better than Phil is. In fact, I'm almost certain. I won't say that I'm not worried about him. When I went over there last night, I thought he'd gone past a line. He's...he's a mess. An utter, complete mess. He was drunk and smoking...and I did nothing to stop him.

Maybe it's because I know where he's coming from. I know why he's like this at the moment.

I sometimes wonder if he dreams of Kimmi? I dream of Tommy.

I had one dream last night - or this morning, I guess - where we were together. He proposed to me. It was incredibly romantic. A candlelit dinner in the park. We ate, and played, and made love, and he proposed. It was a perfect time. A perfect evening.

And then I awoke to this. Life, as usual.

Where do I go from here?

Lil.

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