Title: Clueless
Rating: T
Spoilers: Little bit for The Long Game
Set: Sometime between 'The Long Game' and 'The Empty Child'

Author's Note: This is just something light and hopefully sweet that is the product of a couple of mini plot bunnies.

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"So, what do I do first?"

"You have to have it on the right setting."

"Okay, so what's the right setting?"

"One hundred and forty five slash C," the Doctor said without hesitation.

Rose raised a cheeky eyebrow, smiling playfully at him.

"You knew that bit quick. Get yourself locked up a lot, do you Doctor?"

He gave her a dry look, "No, but you daft little apes have a tendency of getting in trouble. I have to be prepared."

He was always doing that; ruining a perfectly nice moment by making some arrogant comment about apes and how humans were so inferior. She thought he was pretty lucky not to have been slapped more than once by now.

"Well, that's why we're doing this aren't we?" she replied, a little snappish, "So I can get myself out of trouble without bothering you."

In spite of her tone, the Doctor grinned in a manner that made her want to glare in defiance.

"And get me out of trouble too," he pointed out pleasantly, "You're doing alright with that so far."

Try as she might to scowl at him, Rose couldn't help but join in his grin. That was another thing he always did. Every time she tried to be mad at him because he flippantly insulted either her, her mum, her ex-boyfriend or her entire species, all he had to do was fix her with one of those large, daft grins and she forgot to be cross. In fact he made her feel like agreeing to just about anything which she should probably find a little worrying.

She often wondered if he did it on purpose. If he used that big smile of his as a sure fire way of deflecting an argument, or if he was really as clueless about the effect it had on her as he appeared to be.

The only time in memory that it hadn't quite worked was after they had returned from Satellite 5, having dumped Adam off, the Doctor telling him in no uncertain terms that he only took the best and Rose was one of them. She'd been walking around with a definite skip in her step after that. She wasn't used to receiving such blatant praise and she found that it felt pretty good.

That was until, after one of his more disparaging comments on humanity, she had brightly reminded him that she had saved his life, getting him out of the bindings like that so they could escape the Jagrafes. He had quickly and rather brutally pointed out that that was more luck than judgement. That he'd left the sonic screwdriver on the lock breaking setting. That if she'd had to change the settings he would have been lucky to have left with his arms attached.

As usual he had been clueless as to what it was about that statement which had insulted her so much. As far as he was concerned he had only spoken the truth. Nothing wrong with that.

She'd walked around for days with a sour look on her face. The Doctor had had enough of a sense of self preservation to tiptoe around her and try out various cautious attempts at cheering her up, even if they were to no avail. It was only when she had burst into his room, demanding that he taught her how to use the sonic screwdriver properly and he had agreed that her mood had lifted.

"I just don't wanna be useless alright," Rose said a little distractedly as she set the screwdriver in the way he had demonstrated earlier.

"Rose," he said patiently, "If I thought you were useless, do you really think you'd still be here?"

She glanced up at him.

"No," she admitted, "You never would have brought me in the first place, would you?"

"Precisely," the Doctor beamed with a pleased grin, "Therefore, not useless."

He nodded at the sonic screwdriver, "Now, you sure you've put that on one four five slash C. Not slash B."

She rolled her eyes, "I may not have A-Levels alright, but I do know my alphabet."

"Not the Gallifreyan alphabet, you don't," he pointed out, crossing his arms in a surprisingly serious manner.

"S'different?" she asked, screwing her face up as she thought about it. It certainly wasn't something she'd considered before. But there again since the TARDIS translated all alien languages for her, she didn't really need to think about them at all.

"Absolutely," he said with a sharp nod, "Goes C-U-R-D-A-F-T…"

Rose thought about that for a moment, going through those letters in her mind a couple of times before realising something. Then she smiled.

"You're messing with me, aren't you?"

"Yeah," the Doctor admitted with a small laugh and a wide grin. He shoved her lightly in the arm.

"You're not as daft as you look, you know."

She glanced down at the Union Jack top she'd recently brought then back up at him with a shrug.

"It looked good on the hanger, okay," she reasoned, getting a little bored with his occasional jibes about it by now, "I just need to decide whether I like it on me or not."

The Doctor looked skyward, "Rose, nothing yet has tested the storage capacity of this ship. I think your wardrobe might be the first to make a decent attempt."

"Hey," she protested innocently, "If you insist on taking me places and giving me unlimited credit, then what do you expect? It's not my fault you can't say 'no' to me."

"Yeah, I'm just a big softie at heart, me."

"Speaking of which…" Rose said, reaching round him and picking something off of the sofa. It was a large, rather worn but still cute looking teddy bear.

"Have trouble sleeping, do we Doctor?" she asked with a grin.

He arched an eyebrow and retrieved the toy from her, "Actually he's the brave volunteer who's taking part in your training. Cos if I think I'm letting you practice on me you can get stuffed."

"So you'd thought you'd let me try on someone who already is," she quickly reasoned.

"Exactly. Just needs the finishing touch."

From one of the large pockets of his jacket he pulled out a pair of handcuffs.

"I do not want to know where you got those," Rose said, a little wide eyed.

"That's alright then," the Doctor replied with a mischievous grin, "Cos I weren't going to tell you anyway."

He quickly put them over the bear's arms, a blue beam finishing off the metal semi circle at each wrist as he activated them.

"Sonic handcuffs?" she asked.

"Yep."

He placed the bear carefully on the sofa.

"Now then," he said, turning to Rose, "Shall we get down to freeing our innocent fluffy prisoner?"

Half an hour later, the Doctor insisted she was handling the sonic screwdriver like a pro. Not as good as him of course, but still top notch screwdriver technique. Personally Rose thought he was being a little generous, trying to make up for the insult that had got them here in the first place. She could put the device on the right setting okay and with a little bit of fiddling about she could unlock the cuffs. She wasn't particularly quick, but she could do it without singeing the bear so that had to be alright. He'd even shown her that setting one four five slash D would lock the cuffs again and she'd picked that up too. Not perfect but it could help them if they were in trouble.

"So what do one four five slash A and B do then?" she asked with a curious frown.

He shook his head gravely, "Probably best you leave them alone. Unless you want a smoking pile of stuffing where that bear used to be…"

"Eh?"

"Well there's a very small chance that if used incorrectly on those settings you could turn the subject inside out."

"Oh".

"And then they'd explode."

"Oh….Right then. Avoid one four five A and B."

"Good idea."

Rose turned the sonic screwdriver over in her hand, studying it carefully for a moment, "Just exactly how many settings has this thing got anyway?"

"About three, four thousand. Something like that."

"I take it you know them all," she said with a slightly fond smile.

"Yeah," he confirmed with a grin and a nod, "Most of them."

There were times when Rose felt like she knew him better than anyone. And then there were times when she felt she could learn something new about him every second for the rest of her life and still only have scratched the surface.

"Right then," he said, standing up straight, "Next stage. Human testing."

He picked the bear up, removed the cuffs and tossed it away, taking its place on the sofa.

"But since we don't have any spare humans lying around," he added cheerfully, "You'll just have to do with me. Try not to chop my arms off."

He placed the cuffs on himself, the blue sonic beam glowing lightly on his wrists. Rose couldn't help but blush slightly as the vision of the Doctor in handcuffs took her mind straight to the gutter. It didn't help when her body betrayed her and, without her conscious consent, knelt itself down between his legs so she was eye level with his hands. Amongst other things. Most of the time she kept the obvious attraction between them under control, putting it down to the exciting, dangerous older man thing. Every now and again though he'd do something that sent that sensible part of her brain on holiday. Putting on handcuffs was definitely one of those things.

Thankfully, the Doctor either didn't notice her mild discomfort, or he tactfully chose to ignore it.

"Well," he said shoving his hands towards her face as she hesitated, "If we were tied up in a Estharian dungeon, moments away from being savaged to death by a Anglor beast that some bright spark decided to lock us up with, you'd better be a bit quicker than this. Unless of course you don't want your head where it is now."

"Sorry," Rose muttered, clearing her thoughts with a shake.

She set the screwdriver correctly and carefully went to work.

"That's it," the Doctor encouraged, peering down at her progress, "Good. Remember, don't touch the skin for too long or you could burn me…"

Less than a minute later she had both undone.

"Fantastic," the Doctor beamed, "We'll have you breaking out of prisons all over the universe in no time at this rate."

Rose was looking at him thoughtfully however, realising how much better it was when he had the handcuffs on. Realising what an opportunity she'd missed.

"I think I can do it quicker," she stated, trying to keep her tone business like and confident.

She obviously didn't quite manage it from the odd look he gave her, but went to do as he was asked anyway.

Poor, trusting fool.

"No," she instructed, her throat feeling strangely dry, "Hands behind your back."

He raised a curious eyebrow.

"I think you were putting me off," she lied, much more smoothly than she thought she'd be able to under the situation, "Staring at me like that. I'd rather you didn't watch."

By the look he gave her, he clearly thought she was off her rocker, but he handed over the cuffs all the same.

"Go on then," he encouraged, turning his back on her and clasping his hands together.

Rose felt the smallest twinge of guilt as she put the cuffs around him. Yes, she was essentially abusing his trust in order to get her own way. But how could she turn down an opportunity like this? When did she really have him as a captive audience and the time to do what she wanted? If she let it go now, would she ever get a chance again?

Once he was secured, and before he could react, she turned him round swiftly and used a firm shove to push him back down onto the sofa. He landed in it with a soft 'oof', looking up at her with a curious expression.

"See now Rose, there's your first rookie mistake," he pointed out lightly, although his mildly concerned tone betrayed him a little, "You need to be able to get to the handcuffs to undo them."

Without a word, she turned to the small side table and carefully placed the sonic screwdriver down, making sure it didn't roll off before going back to him.

"Now that's just amateurish," he continued, sounding distinctly nervous now, "Honestly, Rose, haven't I taught you anything?"

There was silence for a few moments as she contemplated her next move.

"Would you forgive me if I did something you probably won't like?" she finally asked in an innocent tone, ignoring all that he'd said.

"Well that's a stupid thing to say, isn't it?" he complained after a moment's hesitation, trying to get up and finding that he was helplessly stuck in the soft sofa without his arms to give him leverage, "If you know I won't like it then why would you want to do it? That's not very nice, is it?"

"You know us humans," she said with a mock weary sigh, "We're just curious. You didn't answer my question."

The Doctor shot her a slightly irritable scowl.

"How can I forgive you for something you haven't done yet?"

Clearly not being in control didn't agree with him.

"Fine," she said gently, "Just promise not to chuck me off the TARDIS then, yeah?"

He opened his mouth to protest once more but stopped when Rose gave him a pointed look.

"You know I wouldn't," he said with a huffy sigh, "I wouldn't permanently inflict your mum and Rickey on anyone, no matter what they did."

"Good to know," Rose said, with a slightly nervous nod.

There was another pause.

"Well," the Doctor pressed eventually, "Shouldn't you do whatever that ape brain of yours seems to think I need to be handcuffed for you to do? And hurry up about it, my arms are getting sore."

Rose was still at a loss as to whether he really was clueless, or just good at ignoring things he didn't want to face. She guessed she was about to find out.

Moving over to him, trying to disregard the pounding in her chest, the slight light-headedness that swept over her and the heat of her blood in her veins, she knelt on the edge of the large sofa, carefully straddling one of his legs.

He instantly froze, clearly not expecting this turn of events at all. But at least he wasn't trying to stop her which had to be an encouraging sign.

Her eyes locked on his as she braced her hands either side of his body, blocking his escape route. She leant in, her face moving closer, her breath nervous and ragged. She watched hesitantly as he gazed down to see her automatically licking her lips in preparation. She thought she could hear the odd rhythm of his hearts pounding but decided that might just be the sounding of her own blood rushing through her ears.

He still wasn't pulling away.

Moments before her lips met his, his eyes drifted closed and Rose could have cheered. Instead, she just followed the hypnotic pull that seemed to be forcing them together, trusting that it knew what it was doing.

Her lips brushed his tentative and sweet, and shortly he responded in kind. Despite the base part of her that wanted – or in some cases, needed – for her to throw herself on top of him, she continued to kiss him softly. This was her first kiss with the Doctor. She didn't want to ruin it. She didn't want the memory of it spoiled by going too fast.

As they continued to kiss gently, she marvelled at how soft his lips were despite his age. She was amazed at how tender he was. At how he felt familiar and yet unfamiliar all at the same time.

Slowly moving her lips with his for the final time, she dragged herself away, loving that he tried to make her linger there as long as possible. Drawing back slightly, she watched his face for any sign of reaction.

He sat there, frozen for a moment, as if he was working things out in his head. Then he slowly opened his eyes and looked directly at her.

"Forgive me?" she asked softly, needing to break the silence.

"I'll think about it," he whispered, a trace of fondness evident in his obvious disbelief.

He looked at her in askance and she just shrugged with a lopsided grin.

"Well, I can't go back to Earth without having kissed an alien, can I?" she pointed out.

The Doctor shot her a soft smile, "No, you can't. What was it like?"

Despite her best efforts to prevent it, a huge, dopey grin bulldozed its way across her face.

"Nice."

"Nice?" he said with mock affront.

Rose managed to smooth the grin from her features a little as she pressed her hand to the top of her stomach, just below her rib cage.

"I can still feel it," she said, closing her eyes for the briefest moment to enjoy the sensation, "Right in here. Is that some special Time Lord power, or something?"

The Doctor shook his head, "No."

""Oh," Rose mouthed softly, "Must just be you then."

"Could be coincidence," he reasoned, "Could be something you ate. Told you not to try that stuff on Titan, no matter how much it smelt like marsh mellows."

Rose knew he was trying to lighten the moment, but she wasn't smiling.

He shifted nervously.

"Er….there's one way to scientifically test that, you know?"

"Hmm?" she asked, a little despondently.

"Repeats."

Without hesitation he leant up a little and pressed his mouth to hers again. Rose was taken off guard and the first few moments of the kiss were a little awkward and disorganised. Then she slowly pressed him back into the sofa, once more finding a compatible rhythm with his lips. Her hands slid over his shoulders this time and she shuffled forward so she could press her body to his more intimately, feeling a slow growing burn inside her increase. It took her a few brushes against his lips with her tongue for him to get the message, but eventually he did what she wanted and opened his mouth. Rose immediately deepened the kiss, loving the way the Doctor moaned softly when her tongue ran along the roof of his mouth. Adoring the way his tongue explored her just as thoroughly when she let him.

She had always gathered that he was slightly psychic. Or at least that he could do some brain related stuff that she wasn't capable of it. He had certainly hinted at it a couple of times; like the way he said he would have been able to sense if another Time Lord was still alive. Maybe it was those abilities which explained what she was feeling right now because no other kiss had been like this. It was like he was inside her, mentally. Like he was drawing her in, wrapping himself over, under and through her. Everything that was him was entwining around her being. She'd never felt anything so wonderfully intimate. For one perfect moment she knew all that he was.

When he finally pulled away, realising before she did that she needed to breathe, Rose found herself in mild shock. Her head was spinning and her whole being felt fuzzy, like she'd only just woken up.

"You alright?" the Doctor asked, peering at her cautiously.

She nodded, delighting in the warmth that was still flowing in her veins, "Amazing."

"Well, I wasn't going to say so myself…"

She whacked him lightly on the shoulder for that.

"How do you feel?" she asked curiously, not quite finding the confidence to divulge what had happened to her yet, but wondering if he had felt the same.

He looked thoughtful for a moment as possible responses rattled through his head.

"Better," he settled on eventually.

She frowned, not completely understanding what he meant. Better how?

"Thus from my lips by thine, my sin is purged," he said with a small, satisfied nod, evidentially talking to himself more than her, "That Shakespeare bloke was much smarter than I gave him credit for."

Rose still didn't quite understand what he was getting at, but decided that in this moment it wasn't important.

"So," he said brightly, turning his attention to her once more, "You gonna uncuff me then?"

Rose grinned coyly.

"I dunno," she said, her fingers playing with the edge of his jacket, "I quite like you like this. All tied up and helpless."

"You'd like me a lot better if I could use my hands," he said, raising his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

She giggled, "You think you're all it, don't you?"

"No," he corrected, "I know I'm all it."

"You're not as charming as you think."

"Yeah I am."

She leant forward and kissed him quickly, loving the fact that she could.

"Shut up, alright. Or I'll leave you like this."

Thirty seconds later, Rose had the cuffs off and the Doctor was standing, rubbing his slightly sore wrists. She immediately stood before him, taking his hands and soothing his skin with her fingertips.

"So," he said in a surprisingly conversational tone after a few moments of companionable silence, "Where exactly does this go from here then?"

Rose looked up at him with a grin. To be honest, she hadn't thought about that. It should be complicated. Different. Gallifreyan, Human. Nine hundred, nineteen. Time Lord, shop assistant. Yet here they were. And it all felt so simple

"Dunno," she admitted with a shrug, "Wanna find out?"

A grin split his face as he wrapped his arms round her properly for the first time.

"Yeah, alright then."