The Perfect Gift

by: Eyes-of-Pearl

Rating: K

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belong to its respective owners.

Synopsis & Author's Note: Special thanks to: Deana, Faerlas, Lara, steelelf and Voldie on Varsity Track for reviewing Faramir the Father. Big hugs to those who checked it out. Now, here is another one featuring our two favourite governors of Ithilien.

Faramir is having trouble finding the perfect gift for his wife. With Legolas, they discussed some of the mysteries of the female race. Features also Eowyn, Eomer, and Aragorn. Arwen and Lothiriel make brief appearances.

The Perfect Gift

He counted the days once, then twice, hoping that he was mistaken somehow. However, it was to no avail as Faramir, Prince of Ithilien, Steward of Gondor sank wearily into the chair of his study. There were only a mere three days until his wife, Lady Eowyn's birthday. It was indeed a cause of celebration but for a husband who had no prepared gift for such a momentous event, it was a time of great trepidation.

"Surely, it is only one gift and she is your wife. It should not be so grievous of a task."

"Such words from one without a wife, I challenge you to stake that claim when you have a ruling queen by your side, Legolas."

"To the mortifications of my aide and that of my Adar, it won't be in this century..."

Faramir sighed and massaged his temples, hoping to rid of the sudden headache that was brewing. Years under the service of Gondor, he could handle the courtiers of Minas Tirith, and easily vanquish the Orcs of the Dark Lord. The bow was his weapon of choice, though, he would much prefer the grace of his quill. On a good day, he could even master a few Rohirric rhymes, though, such words would never be utter within the hearing range of Eomer-King of Rohan. Yet, nothing could prepare him for such a task for pleasing his wife with gifts on such festivities as anniversaries, birthdays, yuletides, mid-summer nights ... and the occasional keepsakes to 'surprise' your one-and-only. To a husband's chagrin, these events come every year. It is truly a wonder that Men are not without gifts to bestow upon their wives already.

"Perhaps, there is a book in Lord Elrond's vast collection about this."

Legoals' eyebrow shot up, "If there was, every male from all over the West would be lining up in Minas Tirith for a copy."

"Perhaps, I should advise King Elessar upon our next meeting that one should be written."

"How would you propose to carry out this venture? Who should be commission to pen this great volume of art?"

"Maybe, you should write it, Legolas, for one who has wooed many a maiden in your long life, you must know of a woman's desire for her birthday."

"Ah, but my Lord Steward, it is not about any particular woman, it is about yours. It is what Eowyn wants."

Faramir winced at that point. Of course, a wife desires something from the heart, one so original and unique that would rival the brightest stars in the night sky. Now with so little time left, the Man was desperate enough that he had employed the assistance of Legolas Thranduilion. However, being singled even after two millennia's existence, the Elf lacked expertise in the workings of matrimony.

"Why not simply ask her what she wants?" Legolas asked, in a tone that suggested that it was the most natural thing to do.

Faramir looked up hastily as if the golden warrior had spontaneously spouted two heads. "Are you mad? One do not march up to his wife and ask what she wants for the answer will always be the same ..."

"And that is?"

"She would say that she desires nothing, and to spare her husband the trouble. Of course, she would be noble about it, conjuring multiple explanations that are absolutely legitimate. An untrained ear would interpret such denials too literally but the truth remains that there is something that she has in mind. However, there is no way of extracting the truth from them because women have some notion that their husbands are gifted with the powers of mind-reading. That was some way in which we could guess what they want."

Seeing the dubious expression of the Elven Prince, Faramir countered, "Ah, I see that such concept is foreign to you. Let me enlightened you. My dear brother-in-law, the great Eomer-King of Rohan, the once proud Third Marshal of the Mark, had his ego slashed not a few months prior. He had done as you suggested and asked his wife, my dear cousin, Lothiriel, what she wanted as an anniversary gift. Like any proud, beautiful and powerful maiden she was, she told her husband that she wanted nothing and that his love for her was enough. He had made the mistake of taking her words for truth and gotten her nothing. Suffice to say, the King of Rohan was denied entry into his marital bed after suffering a severe tongue lashing. He had also incurred the wrath of his sister, my dear wife, Eowyn and that of the Lady Queen herself who by default, sided with Lothiriel. Do you not recall Eomer's visit to Minas Tirith on what he termed to be 'affairs of state'? He came to the White City in hopes of consulting Aragorn and myself on finding various loving tokens to woo his way back to his lady wife's good graces. Of course, this was done with discretion as we tried to avoid the attentions of the Queen. After all, Aragorn still wants entry into his bedchambers. Women could detect insincerity better than Orcs to the scent of blood."

Faramir sighed as he continued, "Certainly, I have hinted to Eowyn with sheer optimism that maybe she would tell me something and can you fathom what she said?"

Not even waiting for the Elf's denial, the Steward recalled incredulously, "She said, Faramir, I love you and I know the man that I marry. You have not cease to amaze me with your presence, so I have complete faith in your powers to please me."

"At least, she did not say that she desire nothing," the Elf pointed out. He leaned forward reaching for the bottle of wine at the side table.

After refilling their wine glasses, Legolas suggested, "The spring blesses Ithilien with various blooms, why not gift your lady wife with this land's finest bouquet?"

The Man shook his head, "I have tried that tack to surprise Eowyn on several occasions already. Flowers make wonderful gestures to remind your wife the extent of your love."

Sighing, the Man further elaborated, "You may say 'I love you' many scores over, but words are hollow without the weight of actions to support those claims."

Swirling the glass in his hand, the Elf next proposed, "Why not offer to forge her a new set of weaponry? In her heart, she is still the Shieldmaiden of Rohan."

Again, Faramir shook his head, "A new sword and sheath for last yuletide, a custom-crafted chain mail for our wedding anniversary, new shield two summers before last, a set of hunting daggers during the anniversary of Helm's Deep. ..."

"You remember all this?"

"Of course, memory work comes with the territory of being a sovereign. Besides, she would undoubtedly remember and I planned to give her some form of weaponry at a later time."

"Perhaps, something to do with the healing arts then?"

"Here, I have been outdone by Aragorn who commissioned for the set of books in Lord Elrond's collection to be translated into Westron. He was clever enough to divide the work into intervals so he needed not worry about gifts for several occasions."

"Then, I'm assuming Eomer bear gifts that are equestrian in nature."

"Of course, he had already written that he is sending a new steed, one that he had personally trained for her birthday. The hobbits are jointly presenting her with a new saddle which complements the horse."

"Then, how about some womanly attires?"

However, that thought was more troubling as the Steward downed his drink quickly and took a deep breath. Leaning closer, the Steward began to explain, "Now Legolas, I am about to disclose something that every male should know. Boromir told me this when I realize that something called a female existed. He said that there are three rules in a relationship between a man and a woman: She's right. You're wrong and she's always beautiful. Do not do anything that would counter otherwise. Your idea though noble presents a few problems. One does not ask for his lady's measurements because we will always get them wrong. Getting one too small or too big will draw unnecessary attentions to her waistline. The husband will be plagued by ceaseless questions from his wife about every dress, shoe and accessory. Now, by some miraculous chance that a man does find a dress to meet his lady's approval, she may see it as dissatisfaction on the part of her husband. She may get the notion that she needs to change, when there is really nothing wrong with her figure. No, such a gift will invoke a whole set of different problems."

Legolas suddenly felt light-headed by the psychologies of a woman's mind. "I thought Eowyn did not care for the vanities and presumptuous natures of the court."

"That is true but with only three days, I am hard-pressed to find a design, garment materials and a willing seamstress to pull it off."

The Elven Prince said to the Steward, "Faramir, you are giving me further incentives to embrace my single life. Maidens of the West would be further wroth with you."

Even, Faramir had to smile at this. "Come now, my friend, I doubt any words of mine would dampen Lady Darthelia's pursuits (1). She was rather dazed the last time you graced this halls."

"Of course, the concept of 'no' is not in that lady's vocabulary."

"Remember the first two rules in any relationship: she's right and you're wrong."

"But, we're not in a relationship!"

"According to any women, 'no' means 'yes' and 'yes' always means 'yes,' my dear Legolas."

"I believe I need another drink. More wine?" The Elf asked indicating the red liquid.

Eyeing the half-empty bottle, Faramir then said, "I believe I drank more in this one sitting than I did in the halls of Minas Tirith. Why not?" Holding out his goblet to be refilled.

Each holding a full glass, Faramir steered the conversations back to its original topic. "Perhaps, I should get Eowyn new clasp to complement my mother's mantle."

However, Legolas was mumbling something incoherently as he sipped some of his wine. Faramir stared suspiciously at the Elven Prince and asked, "What is it?"

Legolas put on a neutral face but years in the court had taught Faramir that this expression was a precursor to some ill news. "Well, Gimli and I had ... umm..."

Waving off the explanation, Faramir said, "I see. I have made the mistake of not asking forthright what your gifts were. Very well..."

--oo–

Over the next days, Ithilien welcomed the parties from Rohan and Gondor for Eowyn's birthday celebrations. The festivities wound down as the friends gathered in the private sitting-room shared by Faramir and Eowyn. Eomer, as predicted came with a new steed for his beloved sister which was enthusiastically accepted. He also presented the gifts from the Hobbits who could not make the journey from the Shire to Ithilien. Eowyn could not fault them for this.

Aragorn had wrapped his gift in embroidered silk but its contents regarding the healing arts was graciously treasured. Legolas spoken on behalf of himself and Gimli as an intricate jewelled box was offered. The women (which consisted of Lothiriel, Arwen and Eowyn herself) leaned forward to examine the beautiful clasp.

The Elf glanced over to Faramir for after their conversation which was cut short after the remnants of the wine disappeared into their sated stomachs, he had not seen much of the Prince of Ithilien. Those who knew him saw that the Man was agitated. His eyes bloodshot as he barely slept and was often found pacing in the courtyards, the stables and sought the company of the local merchants and traders. He was present for the welcoming of King Elessar and King Eomer but behind closed doors, Legolas relayed the predicament to the two men. Both husbands had the fullest sympathies for the Lord Steward. Eomer even suggested, "I suppose I could offer him room and board if my sister decides to deny him entry into their bedchambers."

Aragorn nodded, "Or, I could send him on official business to Dol Amroth until Eowyn has calmed." Though it was not spoken aloud, the two Men and Elf did not envy the position that the Prince of Ithilien now faced.

Legolas looked away while catching the eye of the two monarchs. Faramir had given no hints as to what his gift was. Lothiriel and Arwen agreed that their gifts were to be given at a later time away from the company of males. At this, the ladies shared a knowing smile before Eowyn turned to her husband.

Faramir took his cue as he rose from his chair to take a hold of his wife's hands in his. He kissed them chastely and then pressed his lips to his wife's forehead. "I love you, Eowyn," he said.

It sounded like the beginnings of a unfulfilled promise. Unconsciously, the Men and Elf moved the chairs back to avoid any confrontations between husband and wif. "Each day, I count my blessings. Each day, I can scarcely believe the good fortune of having the White Lady of Rohan, the Shieldmaiden as my wife, as the ruling princess of Ithilien. You are the guiding beacon in this humble soldier's life. You are my joy and my sadness. I am honoured to be your husband and there is none other whom I would entrust with this most precious gift."

Fumbling with his surcoat, he withdrew a chain and placed it around Eowyn's neck. There suspended around it was a small key. "With this, my lady, you hold the very key to my heart. May you treasure this for many birthdays to come."

Eyes glistening with unshed tears, Eowyn threw her arms around Faramir's neck and said breathlessly, "Oh, shut up. You had me from the moment that you said I love you."

Despite their esteemed audience, the couple unashamedly kissed, with Eowyn tangling her fingers into the dark locks of her husbands. It was only due to an awkward cough from the males in the room that they broke for air. Faramir had the decency to blush but Eowyn had no plans to relinquish her hold on her husband. The Lord and Lady of Ithilien settled in a single chair with Eowyn sitting on her husband's lap, and her head resting on his shoulder. One of her hands fingered the key that was now in her possession.

Talk flowed freely afterwards, until the ladies stood to retire for the night. Lothiriel and Arwen still had their gifts for Eowyn, so with a kiss for their respective husbands and one for the Elven Prince, the males were left alone. There was a sense of awkwardness in the air until it was interrupted by Legolas.

"Well, Faramir, it took you only three days to procure such a gift. I am impressed."

"Yes, with any luck, that information would not leave the confines of this room."

"How did you manage it?" Eomer asked after gulping the remains of his ale.

"The blacksmith offered his assistance by fashioning me with the key and I bought the chain from one of the travelling traders that was in Ithilien."

"No, from what Legolas told us, you had no inclination three days previous. What possess you to think of such a gift?"

Faramir ducked his head shyly, almost embarrassed but he was silent. At length, he replied, "Truly, it was nothing."

However, the other three occupants were intrigued. Aragorn raised an eyebrow and eyed his Steward, "Faramir, come now, out with the secret. Have you discern some other way to please your lady?"

"No, Aragorn. I am afraid that my knowledge in lexicons does not quite cover the language used by wives to confuse their husbands."

The two married Men chuckled at this. "So, do we continue to dance round the subject or will you tell us?"

"Are your asking me as a friend or as my King?"

"Friend, but I supposed I could order you as the King of Gondor."

"The King of Rohan also ..."

The Elf shrugged and said, "I have Elven hearing. Would you send me to my chambers like a troubled elfling while the grown-ups talk business? Is it not true that you, young ones, must respect your elders ..."

Three pairs of eyes rolled at Legolas' tirade. Faramir decided to indulge his guests as he settled into a more comfortable position in his seat when he said, "Truly it was nothing but know this my friends, womanly wisdom can only be unlocked by another woman herself. If ever you need the perfect gift, the most reliable source is from the uncensored gossip between two kitchen maids!"

The End

AN: With this story, I don't want to sound bias against man / woman. It is only meant to be a humourous, light-hearted story and it is not meant to put anybody down. Hope you enjoy it, and don't forget to r/r.

(1) Reference to my story, Apples Today Keep Restless Elves Away.