Disclaimer: I don't own L&O: SVU or the characters. I'm just playing around with them! Please don't sue, I have no money!
RainSummary: A sleepless night leads Olivia to contemplate her life, and a certain person in it. EO.
She could hear the steady rhythm of the rain as it hit the windowpanes outside. She hated when it rained at night; it always woke her, and then, she could never fall back asleep. She flung the covers off and made her way to the small kitchen. She started to make a pot of coffee; she knew she wouldn't be sleeping anymore tonight. Or morning, she realized, glancing at the microwave clock, which read 3:37. It had been a long week; hell, it had been a long year. She wanted to use this weekend to sleep and forget about it all. No such luck, but wasn't that her life.
She wished sometimes that life had been kinder to her, she had seen things and lived things that most never had to. She almost laughed at her own pity, she had chosen this life, right? Maybe she hadn't chosen the horrible circumstances of her existence, but all of the other choices, they were all hers. She wanted this. This. She looked around at her small apartment, the ghost-like atmosphere, and the lonely, empty spaces. She was alone, and it seemed she always would be. Yeah, she wanted this. God, what was wrong with her, she didn't usually waste her time contemplating her life. But she had time to now as the rain poured down and the thunder rumbled. A flash of lightning illuminated the kitchen to an unnatural bright light and she squinted. Ah, definitely no sleep tonight. She picked up her mug of coffee and sat on the couch.
She sometimes wondered where she would be if she had decided on being a teacher, she had loved biology and wanted to become a high school teacher. Somewhere along the way, she had found that she wanted to be something more. Something more had turned out to be a detective with the Manhattan SVU at the 16th Precinct. She loved her job, but in all honesty, she wondered if she would be happier teaching high school bio. Maybe she would have a normal life. Normal, with a loving husband and beautiful children. She wouldn't feel so empty and desolate like she did now, on this cold, rainy night.
Who was she kidding, there was only one person she had ever imagined being the father of her children, the one who held her on those cold nights, and she didn't see that happening. She didn't want to cry, not now. She'd been over this many times, it was impossible. He was married. Period. The voice in her head said He's separated from her; it's over for them. She wanted to tell that voice to shut the hell up. He wanted his family. She knew this without a doubt. He missed his children; she believed that he even missed his wife. He never said that, but the look in his eyes, the lonely look told her so. What the hell did she have to offer him, besides a whole lot of problems? Her life was complete confusion; he didn't need that in his life. That annoying voice said You love him. She could give him love, but whose to say he wanted it, wanted her.
She knew she loved him, with all of her heart and soul. She wasn't sure when it had happened, but it had. He was there for her in a way nobody ever had been; at least he used to be. She supposed she had felt a spark of attraction from the first moment they met, but she had always pushed it aside, he was married and she was only allowed to be his partner. Partner may have been too loose a word, somewhere along the way, he had become her best friend, and then, the man she loved. She felt the tears and she wiped at her eyes.
The separation had been hard on him, and he had been pushing her away. They rarely ever spoke about anything besides the cases. She missed him, missed him so much it hurt. She felt abandoned by him, she felt lost. He didn't need her, it seemed, not the way she needed him. She felt like she couldn't breathe without him sometimes, she felt like she was gasping for air, and he was watching her with no intention to save her. She was barely hanging on; she was only going through the motions. She hated it, hated the false relationship they now had, she sometimes even hated him. She hated him for letting her go. He didn't even seem to care. She was slowly dying inside and he didn't even give a damn.
She finished her coffee and glanced at the clock, it was 4:49. She pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache coming on, and wishing she could fall back asleep. The ringing of her cell phone on the coffee table shook her out of her thoughts. She answered, and found his voice on the other end of her 'hello'. She listened as he told her about the newest case and the location. Apparently a new rape homicide. She hung up the phone and went to change.
She wasn't in the mood to see him, not now; she pushed her previous thoughts out of her mind. She had a job to do now. She had a purpose. It didn't matter that he had let go and never looked back, she could make it, she'd be okay without him, she was strong. She would be fine with or without him. That nagging voice had to get the last word, You know you would rather be with him. Maybe someday, she thought, but it doesn't look like now. She grabbed her jacket and keys and closed the door. Someday, maybe he would see. Maybe he would look back and realize she was not there, not the way she used to be. She sighed. She would just have to wait for him to find her again.
The End