There was hope for a normal day in the office. Really, there was. Everyone was at his (or her) desk, quietly working on whatever assignment they had. Even Mustang.

Ok, so maybe it wasn't even normal to begin with.

Then Hughes came in, and it all went downhill from there.

"Yo!" he called, fairly startling everyone. "Guess what I've brought for you, Roy! One of Gracia's app—"

He stopped, because Hawkeye had beat him to the front desk, and was talking about the steaming cup of coffee she had just set down.

"…and I used those imported beans that you like, too, sir." She threw the tiniest of glares at Hughes as he came up behind her.

Hughes slammed the basket of pie down, almost knocking over the coffee. "Apple pie, Roy! Gracia made it!"

"Taisa, you know you shouldn't eat that much sugar right before lunch."

"Who are you, his mother? He can eat pie whenever he wants."

"The Colonel is a busy man. He needs the caffeine."

"I don't see why I can't enjoy them both," Mustang grumbled.

"You can't!" Hawkeye declared.

"You have to pick one or the other!" Hughes echoed.

They glared at each other.

"Aren't you his subordinate?" Hughes started again. "Don't they frown on that sort of relationship?"

"You're a lower rank than he is, too, Chuusa. Besides, don't you have a wife and daughter?"

Mustang sighed. His life was hard. "Look, I'm really flattered by you two fighting over me, but I can't have you going at it like children in the middle of my office. There are civilized ways to solve disagreements, such as—"

"Taste test," they demanded simultaneously.

Roy tried to hide his grin. Yes, his life was waaay too hard. He proceeded to taste test his way through half the pie and until the coffee was gone. They watched him expectantly for his verdict.

"Ummm…" he announced.

They started to press him, but he held up his hands. "Hughes, your pie was excellent, earning you a total of ten points."

Hughes beamed.

"But. Since you didn't actually make the pie yourself, you lost eight points, leaving you with two."

Hawkeye smirked.

"And your coffee, Lieutenant, was also first class, and you earned 12 points."

She smiled and Hughes made some indignant noises, but Mustang continued.

"But. Since you didn't…grow the beans yourself, you lost ten points leaving you with two as well." He rushed through the last part, hoping his math added up the way he wanted it to.

They were speechless, but in an angry sort of way. Roy figured it was a good time to move on to Plan B.

"It's a tie, you see, so now you have to do it my way." He rose from his chair, and looked into their eyes. "It's time for….

Round One

D E A T H M A T C H

They stood out in front of Central Headquarters with a crowd surrounding them on all sides. Mustang stood in the middle with Hughes and Hawkeye facing him.

"What are you doing announcing "round one" when this is a death match?" Hughes yelled. "There aren't going to be any more rounds!"

Hawkeye also was displeased with the turn of events. "Taisa, I think this is one of your worst ideas to date."

Mustang just shook his head. "You two are the ones who want to fight over me. Now you can. And with an audience."

Hughes and Hawkeye threw each other a glance, but it wasn't exactly a glare this time.

"Ok, the rules are obvious," Mustang said, "you fight until there's only one left, and I guess that's the one who I'll pick. Any last words?"

Hawkeye pulled her gun, and Hughes produced his tiny knives from somewhere.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked him.

"I'd say I could throw one of these in about the same time as you could get off a shot," he replied, glasses flashing.

"Ok, time's up!" Roy yelled, "FIGHT-O!"

He barely had the reflexes to jump back in time as a bullet and then a knife buried themselves in the ground where his feet had been. He looked up to see the "combatants" aiming at him for a second go.

"What are you doing?" he shouted, "You're supposed to be fighting each other! Remember? Death match!"

"We've decided that we don't want to fight over someone like you," Hughes said.

"Not when you're just going to use us as a sporting event," Hawkeye said, giving the crowd a look.

The crowd slowly backed away.

Mustang, seeing an opportunity, tried to slip away with them.

A shot rang out, the bullet missing him by almost nothing, and he gave up stealth and ran for it.

Hawkeye sighed, lowering her gun. She turned to Hughes, who was pulling up his knife from the cement. "He can be a jerk sometimes."

Hughes nodded, "He's got a real heart of metal, it's a wonder why we fell for him at all."

They eyed each other, deciding not to get into that topic.

"So," Hughes went on, "I'll meet you after work behind the dumpster?"

It was Hawkeye's turn to nod. "I'm sure no one will be around." She paused. "Will it be to the death, then?"

Hughes grinned. "Naw, where's the fun in that? I want to be able to gloat about my victory."

She glared again. "Alright, but if you end up dead anyway, it was only because you provoked me."

They both laughed, and then went their separate ways.