The Hidden Humour of Harry Potter - A Comic Suicide
Pairing: H/D
Disclaimer: I do not own "Harry Potter" or the characters feature therein; they all belong to J.K Rowling. But the plot is mine, alright, so is the stink-bad humour that saturates it. :) Oh, and the characters Piper and Takeshi are entirely my creations.
A/N: A while back I went through a period in life when I was extremely bored - and it resulted in these completely unnecessary nonsense fictions, but they still feel a bit special to me. I have to warn you, though: There are two different outcomes that might come over you. Either you laugh your guts out, or you walk out of it feeling utterly disgusted and ready to puke your guts out. So, there, you have been warned. Now read at your own risk. Cheers, mates.
1. Introducing the Older Sister
It is a day like any other at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter are loudly disputing over something as usual. Standing in the middle of the corridor, blocking passage for the rest of the student body, they shout at each other at the top of their lungs, already having forgotten why they started this fight in the first place. But what the other students don't know is that these two young gentleman have been having a passionate affair with each other for several months, and that this row is only for show. They cannot at any price betray their relationships to the others, for that would mean the end of the world as they know it.
Unfortunately, there is one person utterly unaware of this but utterly in the position of runing everything for them...
A veela-like girl springs on Draco from behind, a huge (to Draco) demonic grin on her pale face, and casually puts her arm around the blonde's shoulder. "Dracooooooo!"
A little too casually, in Harry's opinion. Their elaborate act notwithstanding, he mutters sourly to himself and shoots angry flashes at the newly arrived female.
Draco's eyes widen in shock and indignance. "You!" he breathes.
The young woman is still beaming, unaware of the acid quality in the blonde's voice. "Aren't you happy to see me, Drakie-beans?"
Draco is drop-jawed and terrified at the mere thought. "Ha... happy to see you?"
For a short moment, Harry forgets all about their act and steps forward a bit. "Who the Hell's she, Dray?"
Draco squirmes embarrassedly. "This is my sister..."
Potter blinks in bafflement and confusion. "Your... what? But I thought you were an only child..."
The Slythering sighs deeply. "So did I."
Turned to the woman: "So, you're Draco's sister, eh?"
Beaming again. "Piper's the name! Nice to meet you, chap! Although, some people like to call me Mary Sue, but I've never quite understood why..."
The bewildered expression on the female's face only baffles Harry even more.
Draco, on the other hand, only rolls his eyes. "Try to figure that one out."
"Oh, come on, Drakie-poops!" Piper exclaims encouragingly. "Lighten up, will ya! So, is he your boyfriend, or what? Wow! I never thought you'd nail Harry Potter! I'm proud of you, little brother!"
"He is not my boyfriend!" the blonde objects with gritted teeth.
Piper blinks stupidly. "No? Then why are you blokes quarrelling like that?"
"He is my archenemie!"
"Really? I don't think so. Well, there's only one way to find out... Honesia Truthifica!"
Sparkles fly out of the tip of her wand and hits the terrified Draco right between the eyes. Harry jumps back, startled. "What are you doing to him?"
Piper casually waves at him dismissively. "Honesty Spell. Now he won't be able to lie for the rest of the day. So, tell me Draco, what do you think of our young Mr Potter here, hmmm?"
Draco immediately begins to jump up and down in euphory, and Harry can almost imagine his eyes are heart-shaped. "He is the most handsome bloke I have ever met!"
Piper blushes with embarrassment. "Oops! Must have given it a little too much flick just there..."
The raven-haired boy grasps her by the collar of her colourful robes. "What? What happened?"
"Well, besides telling the truth he will now be veeeeery passionate about it, too. Hard to tell what he could do next, really..."
As if proving Piper's fact, Draco throws himself around Harry's neck. "Oh, I love you, Harry!"
There is no mistaking Piper's amusement at this. "Well, there you have it!" she declairs with approval.
Harry desperately tries to fend him off. "But Draco, what about last night..."
"Oh, it was the best sex I've ever had!"
Piper gasps and claps her hand to her mouth, but Harry is not as pleased. "No, that's not what I'm talking about! I meant what you said last night! About keeping it quiet!"
Draco lets go of him. A thoughtful frown appears on his forehead. "Oh. That. I see. Right. I'm sorry."
"Don't sweat it, Dray. You've already done it."
As if the Slytherin's loud and clear love declaration were not enough, Ron arrives followed closely by Hermione. "Harry, why are you talking to Malfoy?"
"I'm not, he's..."
"I'm his boyfriend!" Draco proclaims brightly.
Ron's eyes widen. "You're WHAT!"
"I'm his..."
"He's under a spell!" Harry shrieks desperately. Piper cursed him or something to make him... well, to make him in love with me, and... Since it will only last for a day I kind of decided to have some fun with it, 's all. You know."
Ron has a hard time finding his voice.
Meanwhile, Hermione has joined the group. "What is going on here? Ron?" Expects an instant explanation.
Piper is drooling all over herself. "Friends of Potter's..."
Ron and Hermione exclaims: "Who is she?"
"Draco's sister," Harry and Piper replies in unison.
Ron blinks. "Aha."
Hermione bites her lip. "Oh."
To Harry's great discomfort, the blond female decides to play with her puppet brother some more - in front of his friends! "Tell me, Drakie-bums, what do you think of Mr Weasley here?"
"He's a bit of a stiff, isn't he?" the brother replies truthfully. "But I love his hair!"
Ron squirms with embarrassment and turns crimson. "Errrr..."
Hermione is equally awkward. "E, he, he..."
"How about going to the library, Minie?"
"Sounds lovely, Ron."
They hurry off in a cloud of grey smoke. Harry exhales with relief. "Blimey." He scratches his head. "The whole school's going to know about this in 5 seconds!"
"Is that a bad thing?"
"That's a teeeeerrible thing!" Harry yells at Piper. "Now you make him go back to his original state!" He is getting mighty annoyed with the blond Slytherin whom is dancing around his legs like some dog or other.
Piper shrugs. "Can't."
"WHAT!"
"But I can put a Time Eraser Spell on Hogwarts, if you want. That way you may have your one day out in the open and do whatever the heck you'd like, and no-one will remember in the morning. That all right, Harry?"
Harry is impressed. "You can do that?"
"Of course I can! You're not born a Malfoy for nothing, are you? Must find some use for this bloody name."
"Then do it."
Piper bows in mock courtesy. "Aye-aye, Captain! Your wish is my command!"
Harry shakes his head at himself. "Call me crazy, but I think I actually like you."
Draco, whom is now standing beside Harry with a grave look on his face, declairs: "I don't."
A/N: There will be plenty more where this comes from, that's a promise. I have a lot of bad jokes in store, haha.