The Importance of the Night and Being Blind
Part Six
By Katsuya Kaiba
I heard my own screaming, and the sound of it must have been what pulled me out, but even though my eyes were open, I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop screaming and I sat up as quickly as I could and reached out at nothing, pulling and clawing the empty air in front of me until I finally froze. Instantly I became silent and my hands fell to my lap, but my breathing wouldn't slow and for a few moments I was afraid that I was hyperventilating. Blinking rapidly into the streaming sunlight from the window, I closed my mouth and simply let it fall on my face, feeling the warmth of it calming me somewhat.
Slowly, very slowly, my breaths came longer and less rapidly, and I took it in as calmly as I could, staring into the light and trying to reason with myself. It wasn't anything but a dream, foolish and untrue. It wasn't even real.
I glanced down at my hands, shaking uncontrollably, and I tensed the muscles in my arms and watched as the trembling eventually subsided. I wasn't exactly sure how long I sat like that, desperately trying to regain control over myself, but after a long while it seemed to work, and I let my head fall back to the pillow, sighing in relief.
That had been…horrible. Why had I dreamt that?
Seto's room was silent, and I laid and listened for a long time, until I was absolutely sure that I was fully awake. There wasn't any reason for to have dreamt something like that, and I pushed the memories away as they tried to edge forward out of the darkness in my mind. No…that was just a nightmare. It must have been born from the events of the day before, and then with that thought I remembered exactly why it was that I had woken up in this bed, in this bed, and not my own.
I supposed that Seto had brought me here, after…maybe he had miraculously found me on his way home from work. When I had run into Hirutani I hadn't been more than a few blocks away from the central Kaiba Corp. building, so it made at least some sense. It was all that I had to go off of, because Seto, for some unknown reason, had bluntly refused to tell me what had happened or how he had found me. He'd even gotten angry at my asking, but I refused to give up so easily. And where was he, anyway?
I was alone. He'd said that he would return when he could, which was odd, but I hadn't had the chance to ask what he was up to. I turned my head on the pillow and caught sight of the clock, which told me that it was nearly noon.
I sat up again, almost as quickly as I had minutes ago and stood up from the bed, walking over to the door that I had seen Seto come in through earlier. What could he possibly have to do that would take this long to complete? Had he even come back since the last time I'd seen him?
I approached the door slowly and stood motionless in front of it, wondering whether or not it would be such a bad idea to leave the room. It was almost certainly the wrong thing to do, but I had only been awake for a few minutes and I was already growing tired of the loneliness and unfamiliarity that clung to the walls here. And it was strange for him to leave me here for so long, I knew that it was. I didn't even really know him at all, but I knew that. Seto's disappearance, combined with the inexplicable events from the day before, were just too irregular for me to be able to put from my mind so easily, and my hesitation slipped away as I reached out to the door handle and turned it.
Nothing happened. I frowned for a moment, wondering what had gone wrong. I tightened my grip over the metal and tried again. It was stuck…no, not stuck, I realized, feeling horror and confusion tighten their hold over the pit of my stomach.
Not stuck. Locked. Seto had locked me inside.
I said nothing, did nothing, and simply stared at the hand that held onto the doorknob. There was no way…would he?
I thought about the way that Seto was, and the way that he was towards me, and it dawned on me just then. Yes…Seto would. He would lock me in a room. Of course he would. But for what?
Did he think that I would leave while he was away, or was he up to something that he didn't want me to see? There were hundreds of plausible reasons, especially since it was Seto that I was considering. He was terrifying when he wanted something, and for whatever reasons he had, he wanted me. For exactly what purpose, I still couldn't say, because his attitude and outward character were constantly shifting, making it very difficult to judge him or his motivations.
But this…this was downright frightening. And not only that, it made the hour of Seto's return seem somehow far closer than it had moments ago. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions, but then again, maybe not. Why? Was all this as crazy as it seemed? It could have just been my nervous tension from the dream. But was I supposed to kept in a cage? And was I supposed to be all right with that?
I backed away from the door, not exactly sure what to believe anymore. The memory of the dream that I had just awoken from came rushing back suddenly, and the dulled fear inside of me grew with the recollection.
"Okay, that was a dream…that has nothing to do with this…" I hoped that if I heard myself say it, than I might believe that it was true, but then my voice filled with reason broke through and interrupted. "Maybe…I should go."
I turned to face the room and scanned the walls, searching for another door and finding none. There was still the window, and I hesitantly stepped forward and peered outside. That wasn't an option. I must have been on the second, or even maybe the third floor, because the distance from my window to the ground was much to far to be considered feasible. There wasn't even anything outside the window to grab a hold of, and I walked back to the bed and sat on the edge on quiet defeat. There wasn't any way out. I was locked in.
Sitting in the silence did nothing to banish my fear of Seto. It was that fear that had led me to hide from him when school had let out the previous day, and now, the only reason that I found myself in this predicament was because I had convinced myself that there was nothing to fear.
I should have gone home.
I should have just gotten in the car with him in the first place.
I should have…there were so many things that I could have done differently. Would they all have led to this end? Was this somehow my fault?
I took a deep breath and unclenched the fists that my hands had made on their own, trying to calm my nerves and think rationally. Perhaps I assumed too much. Maybe Seto himself hadn't locked it at all. Maybe it was to remain locked while he was away. If there was anyone else in his home, I was pretty sure that they didn't know about my presence. That made sense. That made it almost…not terrifying.
I needed something to occupy myself with until Seto came home. Sitting in silence and thinking was only driving me crazy. I glanced around the room, looking for something to do, but there was absolutely nothing, save the closet, the bed, and a couple of dressers against the walls.
I stared longingly at the dressers, finding that I was actually pretty interested in the sort of things that Seto might keep around, but I remained seated and stared. I might be fun, but what if Seto walked in while I was poking around through his stuff? It wasn't my stuff, and this wasn't my room, so I really didn't have the right. I averted my eyes instead and picked at my fingernails, hoping that maybe something exciting might just happen.
Now that I knew I couldn't leave the room, it made the act of leaving seem al the more enticing, and I fidgeted nervously, wondering whether or not I really wanted Seto to return. The fear from earlier had sorted itself out, and was now quickly shifting into boredom, and I glanced over at the clock and saw that a mere ten minutes had passed since I had last looked. Ugh.
I brought my legs onto the bed and sat cross-legged in the middle, noticing for the first time that my shoes hands ever been taken off. I pushed them off my feet, not bothering with the laces, and dropped them on the floor near the edge of the bed. I studied the mirror as I dumped them onto the floor, catching a glimpse of myself and the state of my uniform.
There were stripes of dirt all over my pants and my jacket, and the undershirt that I had worn had a tear across the fabric right over my stomach. What I really wanted to do was just strip all of the uncomfortable fabric away from my skin and put on something a little less destroyed, but I didn't have anything else to wear. This thought brought my grinning attention to the dressers against the wall. Perhaps Seto did.
It was excuse enough, wasn't it? I couldn't wear what I had on, it was torn and dirty, but then Seto might not like it if he came home and found me wearing his clothes. What to do…I was dead curious to see if Seto owned anything other than leather pants and black turtlenecks, and if he did, I had to know what it might be.
I stood up from the bed and approached the first dresser, considering my options. Seto wouldn't want for me to wear what I had on. No, definitely not. I smiled slightly and reached out with both hands, gripping the top drawer by its handles and pulling lightly to my chest. My smile faded when I finally looked inside the open drawer and saw nothing but the bare wooden bottom of the empty drawer. Nothing. I frowned for a moment, but then decided that the odds were still in my favor. There were two dressers total, and each one had four drawers. One down, seven to go.
The second drawer was empty, as was the third, and finally I slammed the fourth and final drawer shut on the first dresser, hoping that Seto's room wasn't totally barren. It was already empty enough to begin with; there was nothing at all on the walls, on the dressers, only a lamp and a clock near the bed. Seto had to own something besides the house itself, didn't he?
I walked over to the second dresser, which was placed dangerously near the bedroom door, although I noted that if Seto chose to unlock the door while I was peeking through his stuff, I would be able to hear the key in the lock and have at least enough time to shut the drawer and hopefully run back to the bed. It was thrilling, in a way, to do this while Seto was away, and I could feel the grin on my face as I pulled open the top drawer.
Socks. The entire drawer was filled with black socks, and I stuck my hand right into the perfectly lined rows and fished around for anything that might be hidden underneath. My hand hit nothing but more socks, and I gave up on drawer number one and moved on to the next.
I bent down slightly, reaching out for the handle on the second dresser drawer, but then I heard a soft sound, so quiet that I was almost positive that I'd imagined it. I turned and looked anyway, searching for the noise, and with a nearly inaudible gasp I realized that it had come from the door right next to me. Just half a second later I heard a hard snap, like the sound of a deadbolt turning, and I jumped away from the door and sat back down on the bed, trying to look as though I had been there the entire time. It wasn't as if I'd found anything interesting, anyway. Socks. Maybe Seto didn't have anything to hide. Or at least, nothing to hide with any physical evidence. My feet hung over the edge of the bed and I swung them idly, hoping that I looked as bored as I felt.
The door opened in that second and Seto came storming in afterwards, looking tired as hell. He slammed the door shut behind him and walked towards the bed, coming to an abrupt halt a mere foot or so from where I sat. He never said a word and simply stared, and I stared right back, wondering if he finally felt like talking. He didn't look as though he did. His usual jacket was nowhere to be seen, and he looked…different without it. Less threatening and somehow taller, in a weird way.
"Hey." I hesitantly tested the water between us.
Seto watched me for a few more seconds before turning and sitting down on the edge of the bed, right next to me. He never replied, but I took his action as the response that it was. I thought that I was getting rather good at reading his strange and unpredictable behaviors, and while I was still confused most of the time I found that I wasn't confused all of the time, which was a miracle in itself.
Ignoring the remnants of the dream that still clung to the back of my mind, I turned my vision to face him fully. He clearly hadn't been to sleep, wherever he had been, and his pale complexion had taken a grayish shade, his skin nearly transparent with wear and stress. I felt something just then, not sadness or sorrow but something very similar, for the way that he looked just then.
It must have been that unidentified feeling that lifted my hand from the bed, and before I knew what I was doing my fingers were lightly and hesitantly skimming over the surface of Seto's face. He turned to face me, but he didn't try to move away or make me stop, and I tentatively rested the palm of my hand over his cheek, wondering why I had done so. He looked so worn out, and I was…I supposed that I was worried. I didn't know if his brother knew that he had been out all night, but I assumed that he didn't because he never would have allowed it.
It was strange, the way that Seto operated. He could run any sort of business or indeed anything at all and make it the best of it's kind, crushing all competition and succeeding in anything he set out to complete. But when it came to things like sleeping and eating, he was incompetent.
"Seto…lie down." I let my hand fall from his face to his shoulder and I pushed him back gently, meeting to resistance from him, surprisingly. It wasn't too terribly often that he took orders, but I didn't mention it and instead fell backwards alongside him to the bed beneath. He lay silently and stared at the ceiling for a while, and then I remembered what it was that I needed to say.
"Why did you lock me in your room?" My voice was louder then before, and I watched his face as I spoke, hoping that it wasn't going to make him angry. It was hard to say what might.
"Because…" He paused mid-sentence and smiled knowingly at the ceiling. "This is where my things belong."
The very first thing that I felt was anger. I frowned at him and his smirk, and the expression on his face made me ever angrier than before. I wasn't a thing, something to keep somewhere. I had been scared, really and honestly scared, when I had discovered that he'd locked me in, and he didn't even care. He thought that it was funny, that he could just be that way and I wouldn't do a thing. I hadn't, not yet, but I meant to. I lost my fear completely, of only for a moment, and spoke my true mind.
"What is that supposed to mean?" my voice was quiet and firm, and I was surprised at the sound.
Seto lost his smile and instead settled for a blank and unfeeling stare. He didn't answer, and I continued, not sure what I meant to say but knowing that it needed to be said.
"Look. I don't belong to you. I don't belong to anyone. So stop saying that I do, because it's not true."
I watched his face as I spoke and I saw his eyes change slightly when he understood what I was saying. The weariness and the silence in them dissipated and was swiftly replaced with a challenge and a question.
"No?" His voice was encircled with amusement, and although his empty stare never faded I could fell something slowly stirring underneath. The fear that I had banished returned, and I didn't respond.
I sat up instead and stood up from the bed, feeling suddenly awkward and out of place. What was wrong with me? I didn't belong to him. So why did I feel as though I were the one who was mistaken?
"Where are you going?" The sound of his voice was strangely disturbing, and it reminded me of something, from days ago.
"I'm…I'm leaving." Was I? I hadn't the slightest idea of how to leave the house that I was in, but I would have to at least try.
I could feel something, there was an air of anticipation between the two of us that was startling in it's quickness, and I felt as though I might do something terrible, something regrettable, if I didn't leave right there and then. There were too many unchecked emotions and fears in my mind, and I knew from experience that my mind and my body didn't exactly see eye to eye when it came to situations involving Seto. I thought it best to leave before I knew that I couldn't.
Which was a futile thought to think, because I knew that it was already the case, deep down. I wasn't going anywhere. Still, I shakily walked across the room until I reached the door and then turned to look one last time in Seto's direction, which was a mistake, or meant to be, whichever one made more sense in the end. It didn't even matter.
Seto was standing next to the bed, but he was still and he watched me from where I stood, waiting to see if I would really leave. It made me stop, when I saw what he was doing, and it looked as though he didn't at all believe that I could do it. It was his doubt that fueled the hesitation in my mind, and I froze with my hand on the doorknob and wondered if he was right.
"Go on, then. Leave." Seto's voice carried well through the air between us, and there wasn't even the barest hint of sarcasm or anger. Rather, it was an order.
I made up my mind to turn the knob, to leave the room, to leave the house, but it never came. I couldn't. There was something treacherous and sick inside of me that just didn't want to. Who was really sick? Was it me, after all? Had it ever been Seto? I wanted to leave, but then, I really wanted to stay. Here with him.
I felt that perhaps I really was beginning to finally lose my mind. There were so many things that I wanted, I needed to do, but only one voice, one motivation rang out clearly in the end. It was the weaker part of me, the Joey that dreamt of Seto, the Joey that never fought back. The Joey that wanted Seto in the same way that Seto wanted him, and possibly even more. The Joey that Seto had seen in my eyes that day. It seemed so long ago, but it hadn't even been a week. Now everything was so different, and yet I knew that it wasn't true.
Everything was exactly the same, and I had finally opened my eyes and taken a good look. Why was this so hard?
"I'm waiting for you to leave. Or…have you finally noticed that you don't even want to?"
Seto knew. He knew what my problem was, and he had known. I hadn't realized just how well. It was strange, far too strange, for someone who had hated me up until just a few days ago. How did he know so much about me?
My hand was still and motionless over the metal of the doorknob, and I let it fall to my side, utterly defeated by my own self and the sickness inside. I remained silent, and waited for Seto to speak instead. I wanted…
I wanted to leave. I wanted to stay. I wanted to break away from everything inside of me that held me away from what I wanted. I wanted to fall down to my knees and scream at the pain, and scream for myself and for Seto, and for what I wanted. I wanted to never, ever dream about he and I again, and I wanted Seto to feel something for me besides a right to ownership.
I wanted to hate Seto, as I had always pretended, and I wanted it to be real. I wanted him to hate me as well, I wanted to play the game that we always played, and so then I could hate him even more when I faced the fact that, more than anything, I wanted…I wanted Seto Kaiba.
I did. I almost laughed at the thought. How obvious it was, must have looked, and really, really was.
Aiiiiii...poor Joey's having a rough time of it. Why is it so hard to see the things that are so obvious to everyone else? Has anyone ever noticed that? Sometimes people will say things about me, and I'll think about it and say, "oh, yeah. Duh. Of course I'm like that," or "Of course I feel that way, why didn't it ever occur to me? How obvious it must be, too." Is everyone in the world blind to themselves? And then sometimes, I will say to someone, "Look, at what you'redoing, don't you see it?" It seems so obvious. But it is so different, to be it, rather than to see yourself as you be it. I suppose that's what this story is really about.
It's about seeing the things that were always there.
Has that ever happened to you? If it has, i'd like to hear it. It's important, no matter how late you come to find out. Some people never do.