Disclaimer: Don't own them, not likely to in the foreseeable future.

I Don't Deserve Them

In a strangely unfanlike way, I have always been pleased that the Fellowship has never appeared in my home. For starters, apart from what was decided during odd conversations with my sister after reading too many fanfics, I would have nowhere to put them. Not enough rooms, beds or showers. More than nine people sharing a shower, that's just wrong.What am I going to do about sleeping arrangements? Pitch a tent in the backyard and make someone sleep out there? I know I'm Australian, but it's winter and it'd be cruel. Although we now have a rather interesting in-joke about a Legolas sandwich with man-bread.

And what would I do with them? I don't have any of the clichés, no Playstation at my place and I can't afford to take them all clothes shopping. I can't drive anyway. I have to call my cousin and then he and Taylor might then promptly move in and I'd be forced to sleep in the backyard. Movies are probably out as well, can't really afford it and the sword-swinging epics seem to be on the way out anyway. Trying to explain something to them in a movie theatre might get me attacked by fellow moviegoers and I might have accidentally not returned a DVD or two to Blockbuster and owe a huge fine which I can't afford to pay back yet.

I don't cook either. Disasters tend to occur when I attempt to expand my repertoire. If you were from Middle Earth would you really want to survive on scones, pancakes, jelly and toast? That's all I can safely make. Pizza for every meal is out of my financial league too. Besides after more than two days of that, I'd mutiny at the idea and most of the Fellowship is bigger and/or stronger than I am.

A few of them staying might be okay, as long as it wasn't a permanent deal. Leaving with the deceased, yet somehow transported to my loungeroom, son of Denethor could get wearing, especially if you think about the fact that without an identity the chances of him getting arrested by immigration or someone are pretty high. He couldn't really get a legitimate job and I doubt he'd be the househusband type either. Same with Haldir. I can't imagine him living here forever, unless I bequeath him to my relatives should something happen to me. I can picture the reading of the will, "And to my sister, or her children, I leave Haldir of Lothlorien. Ignore him when he's snobby and lock up his weapons when you have guests." In theory I'd have to support them too, and how could explain potential spouses to them? Or them to potential spouses? Forget in-laws, meeting the resident Middle-Earthians would be scary. I mean, I assume that Boromir or Haldir would be at the least vaguely interested in my well-being. (In the case of Boromir I'd hope he'd genuinely like me rather than tolerate me). I'd also assume that they would be armed as well. If they surfed the internet or watched cable (which I do have), I'd probably be lucky if they let me leave the house. Imagine trying to sneak out past them, they'd take shifts or something very military.

Then there's the issue of when they'd actually arrive. Are they going to whine the entire visit that they have to get back to their mission-quest-thing? Or would I get the slightly more peaceful post-quest Fellowship? Problems there since I'm a Boromir fan, would I get Faramir instead? And what about pre-quest? How pre-quest would it be? I don't know how I'd cope with their adolescent versions and wouldn't it affect canon for them to meet too early? Plus I just know I'd accidentally let something important slip. Whenever it was I'd have to be careful since really it's not too far to the sea from where I live. I wouldn't want Legolas to be suffering from sealonging too soon. That does put a damper on the taking all of them to the beach and getting to see them in boardies idea. (sans Gandalf and Gimli) Although if Legolas did want to sail west he'd have to cross an entire continent.

If I got the Fellowship in the middle of the books, would Gollum come along for the ride? Would the ring still have power? Will I have to worry about becoming disturbingly attracted to gold jewellery? I always preferred silver. Do I get the movie versions or will I stare blankly at a Fellowship that I don't recognise? I did read the books so some of the descriptions don't match and frankly, I always thought book-Legolas was a fruitloop.

Then there's the age-old concern of mine, would they speak passable English, Shakespeare type English, Chaucer style English, or gibberish? Shakespearean I'd be able to figure out eventually, Chaucer I'd smile and nod politely and gibberish I'd pass out or dial the nearest Tolkien purist. (Note to self, find out where nearest one is)

But back to my house and the lack of space. I'd also have to hide things from them, the movies, the books, the poster on my wall and many files on my computer. The entire computer, there would be no way to hide fansites from them and unless the slash stories are true, they might get a little upset. Not a good idea when they're heavily armed. Or I could withhold food privileges until I get the swords, axes and bows locked up somewhere. It'd definitely work with the hobbits, but I get the feeling someone in the Fellowship would be able to pick locks. My money's on Aragorn.

But I am being a little self-centred. I've been mostly wondering how I'd cope with them. How would they cope with me? I'm bitingly sarcastic, messy, can't cook, can't drive, wear jeans obsessively, don't work full-time and can't quote obscure facts from the Silmarillion or paragraphs from The Lord of The Rings trilogy. Though they might appreciate the last two. I listen to music turned up too loud (unless it's a Discman), watch too much TV and too many movies, read too much fanfiction and on occasion have the attention span of a concussed duckling. I'm also lazy (being brutally honest here), I consider the floor temporary bookshelf spacesince the real bookshelves are full and I am more likely to wave a hand in the direction of the fridge than get up to get them a drink. And none of them would be allowed to smoke in the house, or anywhere near me. I'm most likely impossible to live with, especially if you suffering from culture shock and I'm guessing the Fellowship would be. But at least I don't really swear all that much in normal conversation and I'm out of school. Not that there's anything wrong if you do. Or are.

So, Fate, Destiny, Valar, Lady Luck, Coincidence, or whoever it is that arranges these matters, dumping them on me is a really bad idea. I can't guarantee their return in anything that even remotely resembles pristine condition.

That said, anyone know how to get Pippin to close the fridge door?

Author Note: Thanks to Terry Pratchett for the quote and to the many good fanfics I've read where the Fellowship shows up in people's houses. Good luck coping with them.