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Chapter 3: Her Timeless Tendencies

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Mary Sue may have many faces, but some things stay the same...

Now that I've gone through the many flavors of Mary Sue, I have to address the things that are universal. And believe me, there are many, many things...

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The Name Game

Mary Sue's name is what really, truly defines her. If her name stands out, chances are, so will she. Which, to me, means if her name is horribly unpronounceable, horribly overused by other authors, or a name that isn't really a name at all, that gives me the right to point her out for being horribly horrible. Ha ha.

But how do you know what to name your character? Well there are some very good websites like behindthename(dot)com that can help. But if you insist on me telling you, here it goes...

You know your character's name is nuttier than squirrel shit when...

... it's your name, nickname, screen name, pen name, fake name, secret name, web name (that's including MySpace), or any other name that you, or any other living thing, refers to you as. I don't think I missed any names of yours there, but if I did, don't you dare use it. Because I will hunt you down, find you, and humiliate you if I find you are using your own name. There. Glad I got that out of my system.

... someone asks you how to pronounce it, or you feel the need to give readers a pronunciation key. Get rid of it. NOW. And if you're wondering if your OC's name falls into this category, don't even ask. Because if you do, readers will most likely beat you with a pitchfork and call you unpleasant names for being so, pardon me, fucking stupid. In other words, if you have to ask, you have a problem.

... it's any name that can be shortened to "Kat" or "Cat" unless you started writing your story at least three years ago when this name was still legal in PotC fanfiction. Katherine, Catherine, Katelyn, Katrina, Cathy, and so on are bad (unless you use the actual full name all the time I'll say it's okay because those were very popular names back then). But please people, be creative. Dare to be different.

... it's also the name of a rock. Jade, Sapphire, Crystal, and Diamond are rocks and not names that self-respecting mothers in the 18th century would've named their daughters. Maybe today people have some of these names, but back then they didn't. Plus everyone uses them in other mystical fandoms like Harry Potter and LotR so they are very unoriginal. And a pirate named Sapphire sounds kinda funny if you think about it.

... it can be shortened to a boy's name and that is the only reason you use it. Alexandra, Josephine, Jacqueline, and any others you can think of are okay as a full name but many authors use these names just because their character is a tomboy. When the kid was born I hardly think her mom knew she was going to have a fetish for britches when she grew up. It's just too damn convenient.

... it's what I like to call a "culture crisis." Now let me explain. This occurs when you have a very obviously Spanish girl with a name that a very obviously Irish girl would have. And said Spanish girl has absolutely no relationship with an Irish person whatsoever. People in those days did not have baby name books. If it didn't go with their culture they are likely to have never heard of the name before. So please, please don't go naming your redheaded, freckled, pale-skinned Irish girl Carmen. Her friends will laugh. And they have every reason to.

... it's a name that doesn't sound, look, smell, feel, or taste like a name. In other words, if it's a jumble of letters you just thought sounded cute together, throw it overboard. These are the names that even Jack would raise his eyebrows at. They make absolutely no sense whatsoever. And why, why, why do you want your character to have to suffer the humiliation of having a name no one's heard of? That's just setting her up for a lifetime of mockery. Not that she doesn't deserve it...

... it's Serena, Selene, Selena, Serenity or any other name that sounds remotely like these. Sure, they're pretty, but they have to be some of the most overdone names in the history of fanfiction. They're not cute anymore. I'm not giving you an excuse. Plus Serenity is what I like to call false advertising. Sure, your character's name may mean peace and calmness but if she's a Mary Sue she's probably neither of these lovely adjectives. And it's mean to lie. You might hurt Mary Sue's feelings.

... it's named after some kind of mythical creature or another animal that you think is oh-so cool. Phoenix, Raven, and Robin are animals that don't belong as names in this fandom. As for these bird names, I will tell you why I hate them. The author uses them for a reason. They can't think up a reasonable title for their story so they come up with the most sickeningly cheesy names like "The Sparrow and the Robin" or "A Tale of Two Birds." That's not clever. It's a really sad, pathetic attempt at being clever. It also makes people want to laugh at how sad, pathetic, and unclever it is. And you don't want people laughing at your title. Because guess what? Sadly, that whole "don't judge a book by it's cover" is bullshit. And readers know that. And soon you will too.

... it's a perfectly normal name, yet you feel the need to destroy it by playing letter manipulating games with it so it is not technically a real name anymore. Do not change i's to y's. It just makes you look like a blooming idiot. For example, Catherine is a good, strong name. Cathirine, Catharine, Catheryne, Catherene, and Cathrine are still the same name in essence but most of them aren't even alternative spellings of the real name. This annoys the shit out of me. People think they have created a new name when they do this. You haven't. Let me say that again: YOU HAVE NOT CREATED A NEW FUCKING ACCEPTABLE NAME! What you're doing is stealing many people's real names and doing horrible, evil things to it. And you wouldn't like it if someone fucked up your name, would you? No, I didn't think so.

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Her Beautifulness™

Now as we all know, Mary Sue is perfect. This of course means she has to have the perfect face, the perfect hair, the perfect eyes, the perfect tits, the perfect ass, the perfect height, the perfect -- you get the point. Keep in mind "perfect" can translate into "what the Suethor thinks is hot" or "the opinions of a teenage girl." And while there's nothing wrong with having opinions on hotness and being a teenage girl, it's very confusing when you can't tell one Mary Sue from another. Because for some reason, they're all the same...

Her "Flawless" Face: Her face is a work of art. All her features are perfectly shaped and sculpted with "sloping lines" and "graceful curves." She has a cute nose that's just the right size. Her lips are usually scrumptious and pouty and described numerous times, especially right before she's about to make out with someone. If her cheekbones, forehead, chin, or ears are described in more detail than "big" or "small", WATCH OUT, because no one in their right mind would really give a fuck about what someone's cheekbones, forehead, chin, or ears looked like unless they could make fun of them for having abnormally large features. Overall, her face is that of a model who's had plastic surgery quite a few times. And it didn't go wrong. Dammit.

Her "Delicious" Skin: Her skin is smooth and silky and supple and tempting. She might be "aristocratically pale" with skin like porcelain which curiously never gets burned in the scorching hot sun. Apparently some people are under the influence that they had sunscreen back then. On the other end of things, her skin may have a "golden tan" or "sun-kissed glow" even if she's never been in the sun her entire life. These people I believe are under the influence that there were tanning salons back then. It's also almost never "dark brown" because god forbid Jack or Will fall in love with a black girl. But oh well... We can still hope, right? Also, Mary Sue has never had acne, oily skin, dry skin, cold sores, chapped lips, rashes, STDs (if she's a whore, that is), or body hair (except for you-know-where). That lucky bitch.

Her "Luscious" Hair: Her hair is really quite honestly scientifically amazing. It's never in tangles, it's always "cascading" down her back, it's never been dirty, it's shinny, it smells like flowers, and it's fabulous. It can be any color you can buy for $10 at your local drug store. For example, golden blonde, chocolate brown, fiery red, and raven black are some of Mary Sue's favorites. It's never dirty blonde, mousey brown, rusty red, or plain black because that's ugly. And Mary Sue's not ugly. Her beautiful color is accompanied by waves, straightness, or perfect curls. The words "frizzy" and "messy" are not in Mary Sue's vocabulary even though I imagine it's very humid and windy in the Caribbean. It's also almost always flowing down her back. And for those of you who didn't pay attention before, in those days that meant you were a whore. So maybe that's why she puts out so easily...

Her "Sparking" Eyes: Her eyes are probably the feature that stands out above all else because they are commented on in nearly every other sentence. It's true eyes are windows to the soul, but you don't need to describe them obsessively in order to see into Mary Sue's soul. We already know it's empty. But there's a lot to be said about the color of these "windows"... I mean, have you ever seen a real, true purple eye? No you probably haven't, and I'll tell you why: PURPLE EYES ARE EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY RARE! So rare, that they're usually found in albinos. And is Mary Sue an albino? Of course not! However, gray or hazel or plain brown eyes are quite common. But they don't sound as pretty as "sapphire blue" or "emerald green", especially when you add the long, thick eyelashes to top it off. Even though there was no mascara, of course. In addition, Mary Sue sometimes even has eyes that actually ((gasp)) change colors. I know some people are expecting me to say it's bullshit, but guess what? My eyes change colors too! They can be greenish blue or bluish green or sometimes even greenish, bluish gray. However, they do not, and I repeat, DO NOT change from brown to blue to green to hazel to gray to red to purple depending on my mood. That's what people think is acceptable and they are W-R-O-N-G. Eyes can change color in different lights, but they don't turn blue just because you're feeling blue. Big diff.

Her "Voluptuous" or "Curves In All The Right Places" Body: Her body is gravity defying. Usually she is slim, slender, and "delicate" with abnormally large boobs. Sometimes she's so muscular she could pass as a man if it weren't for her abnormally large boobs. She has Curves In All The Right Places which really means she's a size 2 with a size 12's boobs. There's really not much more to say about her body except it gives men of all kinds erections by just looking at it. These men can include pirates such as Jack, blacksmiths such as Will, beggars, prisoners, aristocrats, the Commodore, the Royal Navy, and maybe even the governor (because he's a dirty, dirty old man).

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Her Fears And Foes

You would think because of her seemingly perfect exterior, Mary Sue would have no fears or foes. But that's not the case whatsoever. In fact there are many things she's afraid of and many things that don't like her (not including us). Some of these things may surprise you (but they probably won't).

Ugliness: I don't think I need to explain this one. Or at least I hope I don't...

Elizabeth: Mary Sue may say she likes Elizabeth, but we all know the truth. She's jealous, plain and simple. She's beautiful and married to a gorgeous blacksmith. I mean, wouldn't you hate her? Sometimes Mary Sue gets off easy because Elizabeth is mysteriously missing. This could be because she's either dead or just plain out of the picture. This happens solely because Mary Sue knows that Elizabeth is just too awesome to compete with.

Ana Maria: Yes, it's true Ana Maria can be a bitch, but that's only because Jack stole her boat. Apparently Mary Sue is so threatened by her that if Ana appears in the story Mary Sue is likely to kick her ass. No one is quite sure why Ana Maria is so despised by Mary Sue, but I have an idea: she's Jack's ex-girlfriend (sorta)! And you know how women are about ex-girlfriends...

Common Sense: Yeah... I think this pretty much speaks for itself.

Other Crewmembers: The male crewmembers may act like they like Mary Sue, but really the Black Pearl is like high school. They are relatively pleasant with her to her face, but behind her back they either hate her or want to do dirty things to her beautiful body. Or both. Either way, they don't like her because she's a women and we can thank Mr. Gibbs for letting us know that all women are bad luck. Mary Sue will take offense to this, but by the end of the story she'll realize they're right. This is because half the crew will probably be killed by some evil force who would much rather murder her, but she's way too selfish to die instead of them.

Rum: Why is rum a foe of Mary Sue? Well the same reason it's a foe for the rest of us mortals. It makes her dumb(er). And it makes her try to fuck Jack before she's destined to. So, yeah, it's bad.

Jack (The Monkey): He's too cute and even Mary Sue can't compete with an undead monkey.

Prostitutes: This one, of course, only applies to those Sues who are not supposed to be whores. Or it may apply to them too because more likely than not, they probably never wanted to be one in the first place. But why does Mary Sue fear these ladies of the night? Because she's afraid Jack will cheat on her, of course! I mean, if she's a virgin, Jack's probably going to want to fulfill some of his more naughty desires with a women who knows what she's doing, not some squeamish, inexperienced girl who doesn't fully understand the concept of "knockin' boots."

Flaws a.k.a. Deepness: She has no weaknesses or flaws that are truly real. Sure she might be scared of spiders, but unless you have a giant Sue-eating spider in your story, it's hardly relevant. There's not much she's not good at and she's never described using "bad" adjectives. Basically, there's no depth to her. And this is probably the main reason we hate her.

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Other Warnings

There's a few other little (or not so little) things that Mary Sue is known for. Not all of these are mandatory for Mary Sue and not all of them immediately mean she is in fact a Sue. But too much of a good thing is bad. And when you put them all together, it's definitely too much for one bitch to handle.

Her Ship: Yes, some Sues actually have their very own beautiful boat. Excuse me, ship. It really is quite amazing because somehow some idiotic individual actually gave a woman a ship and thought it was a good idea. She's the captain and, more often than not, she's a very "notorious" captain. I'm sure all the men are so scared.

Her Pet: Sometimes Mary Sue has a little companion in the form of a bird, cat, dog, or maybe even monkey. Why? Because they're so cute! And she wouldn't be able to live without it because it's probably the only living creature on earth who "understands" her. Because dogs can understand. Right...

Her Posse: These are her "friends" that aren't quite as amazing as her, but they'll do. They're usually there to either set her up with Jack and/or Will and give her advice on all things dealing with love. Sometimes they're there to make her look smarter than she really is, and other times they're just there so she's not so alone on The Pearl. Because god forbid she make some new friends!

Her Ass-Kicking Skills: She can beat up Jack and Will and even Elizabeth if she has to. She's an ass-beating machine and she's not afraid to kick your balls and/or cut them off. She's a master at using a gun because, well, she's a master at everything, remember? She can also handle a sword quite well. Not that sword, you perverted little freaks. A sword, sword that's long and hard and stuff (again, perverts). Anyways, she can chop people's head off with one swish, and she can do it better than Jack. So HA.

Her Tragicness: Yes, you knew it was coming, but sadly I had to save the saddest for last. Because once you've read this you might need a tissue. Or two. Because Mary Sue has been through shit. And I don't just mean shit, I mean stinky, nasty, smelly, plug-your-nose-with-a-clothes-pin SHIT. This SHIT can include any of the following: her parents abandoning her (awww), her killing her parents (but why?), her parents catching on fire (hahahaha), her parents beating her (ouch), her parents not understanding her (I wonder why), her daddy raping her (that's not cool), her mom whoring around town (but she loves you), her parents being alcoholics (because of her), her parents being too nice and/or stupid (a child's dream), her parents being rich and not caring about her (but at least you have tasty food!), her getting raped randomly or by some guy she knew (this is why men can't be trusted), being a prostitute (because what else is there?), living in the streets (it's called getting a job), working in a pub (good job!), being "shunned" by society (because she's too pretty), the Commodore proposing to her (but he's kinda cute!), having to wear a corset (because beauty is pain), being dumped (but haven't we all?), anyone she loves dying (life's a bitch, then you die), killing someone (because, dammit, they had it coming), and being generally unhappy (boo hoo). Of course, Mary Sue never picks just one or two of these burdens. She has to have at least five because only then does she still have something to complain about. But oh well... She just wants attention. Poor thing.

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Author's Notes: Hi everyone! I know it's been, what, a year or two since I've updated? Yeah... I would just like to say that I'm absolutely, positively, most definitely, inconceivably, unconditionally, incredibly, indescribably, totally, seriously SORRY! A lot happened in those two years and I simply wasn't in the mood to write. But I was bored one day and I decided to check this page out and I saw all these reviews and I was so touched that I just had to start writing again. So I'm back and hopefully here to stay.

I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! Look out for the next one which will include (finally) plot clichés. Yay!

And now a big thanks to all my awesome reviewers:

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I effin' love you all!

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