Disclaimer: Wish I owned CSI . . . so do a couple million other people.
A/N: I probably won't be able to update much. I'm doing an internal medicine rotation for the next two months - it's long hours. I know I have a couple other stories that I've left unfinished. I've read Aureus a million times and I don't know what to do with it. If anyone wants to take a crack at finishing it, let me know :) Happy reading. I hope this helps tide you over until the end of December. - Jac
She thought that it was nothing more than a cold or at worst the flu. She tended not to take care of herself as well as she should. Sara could barely recall the last time she went to see a doctor, but she was vigilant about going to the dentist every six months. Her flawless, white smile couldn't get her out of this mess. She wasn't sure if anything could get her out of this mess.
Her headache, chills, and fever came on slowly. She might have thought nothing of it, but her illness kept her from going to work for three days. By the time the third day rolled around, Grissom and Greg insisted that she go see a doctor. That was the last day that her life had some semblance of normalcy.
She sat in the cold exam room alone waiting for the doctor or his nurse to tell her that she had nothing more than a viral or bacterial infection. Sara believed that a short course of antibiotics might clear this illness up within a week. She wouldn't allow herself to believe anything different. Sara was content believing that she would lead a nice, long existence on earth, even if that existence was lead mostly in solitude. It didn't bother her; she had already spent most of her life alone. Her ability to be self reliant at such a young age was what drove her into solitude. She blamed her parents. They hadn't exactly been around to nurture her. Well, her father didn't get to make that decision . . . her mother decided that for him the second she stabbed him.
The doctor was a nice young woman. She almost looked too young to be a doctor, but that didn't bother Sara. Sara had once looked to young to be a student at Harvard; now, Sara felt as though she looked much older than her age.
The words after cervical cancer were a blur to Sara. The doctor barraged her with questions about her sexual practices and family history. Those questions were easy. Sara hadn't had sex since Hank turned up to be nothing more than a lying bastard, and her family wasn't close enough for Sara to have any idea what her history might be. Then the doctor asked the hard questions, 'how do you feel?' and 'when can you come in for a biopsy?" - those questions overwhelmed Sara. She suddenly felt the unfamiliar desire to be a little less self reliant. She looked at the empty chair next to her and wished someone was sitting beside her.
She answered the questions the only way she knew how. Sara said 'okay' and 'I can come in Thursday after work.' They were such simple answers. They were simple only because Sara had shut down. She willed herself not to feel until she was locked away in her lonely apartment.
Sara absentmindedly drove herself to the crime lab rather than home. It was six hours before her shift, but people wouldn't bat an eyelash at Sara Sidle coming into work early. Tonight, Sara was there so she wouldn't feel quite so lonely. Tonight, she needed something more than self-reliance.
"Hey, girl. A little early for work?" Warrick asked as Sara began to unlock her locker. She looked at the clock and realized that swing shift was just beginning. Her presence might not go as unnoticed as she intended.
"It might be the last time," Sara said absentmindedly as she tried to come up with a clever lie to tell her colleagues.
"Huh?" Warrick asked as he pulled his vest out of his locker, "You finally taking some of that vacation time you have stockpiled for the last five years?"
"Something like that," Sara lied. Her lie didn't go undetected. Warrick arched an eyebrow. It was hard to imagine Sara Sidle taking vacation time.
"Is everything okay?" Warrick asked cautiously. He had never known Sara to be forthcoming about her private life. Sara normally acted out when her private and professional life became overwhelming. She would yell at Catherine or Ecklie. Once she told Grissom exactly where she thought he should go and what he should do with 'his' case. Warrick instantly knew that this much be serious if Sara was lying directly to his face.
"I don't know yet. I'll know on Thursday or Friday," Sara said as she rifled through her locker for the small notebook that she used to record the cases she worked up.
"Sara, what's going on?" Warrick said a little more forcefully this time. Sara avoided looking at him; she was terrified that she would confess her 'condition' to him. Sara was terrified that Warrick might make her put all this cancer business into perspective.
"Sidle, do you live at the lab?" Nick joked as he entered the locker room.
"Shut up, Nick. This is serious," Warrick said a little too harshly, but he had never seen Sara so close to being composed, but so close to having all her emotions unravel. Sara seemed to be walking a narrow line. Warrick didn't want to give her a reason to go home and drink those feelings to death. He had seen her do that more than a few times.
"What's going on?" Nick said as he sat a little too close to where Sara was now frantically searching for the damn notebook that she couldn't seem to find in the small locker. She couldn't figure out how it could get lost in a place so small. Sara knew Warrick had seen through her lie. She wanted to tell Warrick and Nick, but she didn't really know how. She desperately wanted to someone to be in that chair next to her when she went back to the doctor's office this week. She just wasn't sure if it was a good idea to mix work and private business.
"My doctor thinks I have cancer," Sara said so softly that she had to strain to hear herself. The locker room immediately silenced; it was the most deafening silence Sara had ever heard. She knew they heard her quiet confession. She knew they were trying to think of the right things to say. Sara didn't even know what she would want them to say to her.
"What kind of treatment are you getting?" Warrick asked. Warrick knew he was the levelheaded one of the threesome. He knew that this time it wouldn't be any different.
"I guess it depends on my biopsy results. I don't really know. I haven't really thought about it," Sara rambled as she finally gave up on her quest for her notebook. She stood staring some place beyond the metal backing of her locker.
"When did you find out?" Nick asked. Nick knew his voice was audibly shaky as he said the first thing he thought of. The thought that Sara, his friend, was sick chilled him to the core. Sometimes, Nick wished that he didn't feel things so intensely. He wished that he didn't take on the hurt of others, but he couldn't help but feel for Sara. Sara had always been there for him. Sara had saved his life not too long ago.
"About an hour ago," Sara replied.
"Why are you here?" Warrick asked as he sat numbly on the wooden bench. He knew Catherine would stalk down the hallway soon. Nick and Warrick were late for the team meeting. Their absence would be glaringly obvious, since there were only three people on the team. He couldn't bring himself to leave. Sara had somehow managed to be like family to him. He wasn't supposed to like her. He wasn't supposed to think of Sara as a friend. For the longest time, Warrick had a hard time allowing himself to befriend the woman that was brought in to investigate him. He couldn't help, but care for her. She was like him in so many ways. Sara Sidle was stoic; Warrick and Sara were normally the rational ones. Catherine and Nick were the intensely emotional ones. Warrick never really figured out exactly what Grissom was.
"I didn't really want to go home. Home is a little to close to three different liquor stores. I could probably walk to those stores in my sleep," Sara rambled.
"I have some old cases that I'm working on tonight. You want to help me?" Nick offered. Nick was surprised to see Sara nod before she turned around. Tears silently streamed down her face.
"Let's wait for the biopsy results before you start thinking about what you are thinking, Sidle," Warrick cautioned, "What kind of cancer do they think you have? I mean, so many cancers have at least one treatment."
"Cervical. I think the doctor said something about stage and metastasis determining if I'll be able to fight it. I didn't really understand," Sara said softly as she tried to remember exactly what the doctor told her.
"Okay, Nick has off on Thursday. He's going to take you to the doctor. You're going to stay in my guestroom so you can't go for any walks," Warrick replied.
"You don't have to," Sara replied weakly. She hadn't realized how tired she actually felt. The shock was giving way to exhaustion and fear that was nearly suffocating her.
"I want to help you. You saved my ass more than a couple times," Nick replied with a slight smile.
"Sara, no arguments. At some point this lab became a family. We have to take care of each other," Warrick replied. Sara stared at him blankly. He was about the last person that she would have expected to step in and begin to organize her life, while she couldn't.
"Guys, it's time for our meeting," Catherine said as she quickly walked past the locker room.
"No arguments," Sara replied as she watched Warrick and Nick stand up and walk out of the locker room.