Disclaimer: Not mine (nah, ya think?)

Also, when you finish reading this, please let me know if I should write more or not. I'm not sure if this is best as a one-shot, or as something longer…

Painful Remembrance

By BreathingFlames

The silence was suffocating. And the darkness. All was completely still but for the mechanical repetition of the much-loathed mechanical breath. It was the only reality within him then. The only thrice-cursed, sith-damned reality that he had left—its only purpose now was to make him miserable for eternity. Remembering.

He had forgotten for so long. In the heat of battle with the weaklings who called themselves rebels, he had been able to push the remembrance far away, back into the fantasy of his deep mind. They had spiraled into the distance, leaving behind only the evil that was the Dark Side. And he had liked it that way.

Now, as he sat in his personal chambers on the Executor, his emotions suddenly, painfully, all came gushing back…

He was alone.

He was cold.

He was miserable.

The long-forgotten feelings churned around him like a cyclone, and, no matter how his subconscious attempted to escape the pain, the grief, the loneliness…he couldn't.

And before he could catch it and stuff it back into the far reaches of oblivion, a single memory broke free of the fortress inside his mind and blazed into veracity before his eyes…

Chocolate ringlets.

A stab of pure agony tore through him like a blade, mauling what soul he had left, mangling his spirit with daggers of red-hot pain. He couldn't think of her. Not now…

But it was too late for that.

The memories came rushing back. Her soft smile, the way her eyes shone with happiness when she saw him, how she cared so much it hurt…

He needed anger. It made him powerful. Yet he couldn't be angry. Not at her. At others, but not at her. Never at her.

He remembered her eyes. Beautiful, swirling like twin pools of coppery brown. They had always shone with joy…and compassion…and…

Love.

The entrance of that emotion struck a stake right into his heart of evil and hatred, the shell of darkness which he had strived so hard to create shattering upon impact. With a half-strangled sob, the memories came rushing back, a tide of sorrow.

He had been so healthy. So happy. So strong. His chest ached in the memory…it had been just him, Jedi, against the world. Him and Obi-wan…

His anger flared up. Him. He despised his old master with every ounce of his being, the hate lending fuel to his power. The furnace of shadows flamed within him…

But was drenched suddenly. Those memories were back too. Obi-wan showing him how to hold a lightsaber, smiling at him, eyes shining with pride as he was knighted, the two having a food fight after he had told his master that the food tasted like Bantha fodder.

And he also remembered other things. The beauty of the Force. Master Yoda smacking him with his stick and telling him to reach out with his feelings as if he wanted to catch a fish.

He almost smiled. He had asked master Yoda what a fish was in front of all his fellow padawans. It wasn't his fault he'd grown up on Tatooine.

Once more, his fury flared up in a hellish inferno. They had doubted him.

The images flashed before his eyes. He was too old. Too much anger. Too much fear. They hadn't thought he would be able to do it. Thought he'd become an agent of evil…

With an almost-audible crack, his tortured soul splintered in the darkness. His recollection brought pain, brought hate, brought…love.

It hurt so much. It hurt that they had not allowed him love. It hurt that Padme had loved him. It hurt that he had trusted a world which exploded beneath his faith. It hurt that they hadn't believed in him, had thought that he would give in...

In the darkness, the last piece of his heart throbbed silently, only interrupted by the mechanical whooshing of his breath…

But what hurt most of all was that they had been right.