Draco Malfoy's Diary of Ways to Snog, Shag or Marry Hermione Granger
Summary: Draco Malfoy is infatuated with Hermione Granger (well durr…) and he's desperate enough to start a journal about her and all the ways to win her heart (or her bed…)
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Chapter 1
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September 3rd
Hogwarts School of Comfy Beds and Closets
The Holy Room of Sex
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The truth is, during the holidays I found my 1st diary from 3rd year, nicely entitled as Draco Malfoy's Ways to Kill, Maim or Torture Harry Potter. After reading through this diary- I decided to start a new one. No – don't worry – it's not on the same topic. No, now I have decided to write about my new obsession, entitling this diary as Draco Malfoy's Diary of Ways to Snog, Shag or Marry Hermione Granger.
Somehow, I decided a while ago that I have no chance of ever achieving this. I mean, come on, I was an arrogant asshole before, and to top it all off, last year when her parents and pet died, I, thinking it hilariously funny, sent her a sympathy card saying;
" I express my deepest sympathies for your loss of such a furry, funny, faithful feline. And I'm not talking about the cat."
I know what your thinking. I've told myself the same thing for the last few months. I should have added "do you want a sympathy shag?" I've been tearing myself up about it for months.
Anyway, now I can start. I humbly present to you:
Draco Malfoy's diary of Ways to Snog, Shag or Marry Hermione Granger.
1. Walk up to her and snog her senseless (this appeals in may different ways, such as I get snogged to, but I might also get slapped. Oh what a cruel life.)
2. Profess my undying love for her in the middle of the great hall (embarrassment factor…)
It was today, I remember clearly, that I saw her. And her hair. And all of her - well all of her that not covered by clothes. I did see the clothes though. I really don't see how one can concentrate on potions when she is sitting in front of you, completely focused on a small, long, pink, naked worm. Which is why I didn't get my potion finished. Oh the horror!
3. Abduct and carry into private Head Boy suite (realised issues with this as she is constantly followed by love sick fool of a friend with four eyes and messy hair. That asshole…)
4. Send romantic love notes to every day for the rest of the year. Pink paper, confetti and gorgeous perfume. Somehow I don't think she'll go for it…
On with my day though. After stuffing up double potions I walked with her towards the outside world, and Care of Magical Creatures. After spending numerous minutes attempting to mentally undress her, I realized I should be paying attention as we were off in search of a grindylow in the Great Lake.
So off we went… and despite the fact that the day was warmer then normal, the waters could still freeze your balls off. I'll be surprised if I ever get to father children. In fact, I was even more surprised that Smelly Potty was able to get a boner just 10 minuets after we left that horrid hell hole.
The joy of yelling "ooh, Smelly Potty has a boner!" was diminished by the shockingly hateful glare given to me by the one and only love of my life. The look in her eyes almost made me weep in front of everyone. Luckily I saved myself from social suicide. Imagine what she would think of me if I wept in front of everyone.
5. Sing a romantic Celine Dion song to her using muggle electrical appliances… I'm not willing to be castrated yet though so this might have to wait a while…
Oh well… must dash for dinner…
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September 10th
Hogwarts School of Comfy Beds and Closets
Transfiguration Room of Bondage
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You know… the only thing we don't learn in this room is how to make a condom out of a rubber glove… do we even have rubber gloves?
6. Ask parents for an arranged marriage… they might disapprove though. I mean, she is a mudblood and they might think I was referring to Pansy Parkinson… and that's a fate worse then the Dementor's kiss.
The past few days have been full of flying insults, horny change rooms and numerous slaps. Hermione Granger is, I fear, against me. How did this happen?
My life is over…
7. die for her! That does leave the slight problem that I won't be here for her to thank afterwards…
8. do a Romeo and Juliet thing for her… same issue with the dying. How can I shag someone if I'm dead? Will have to ask Moaning Myrtle some time. She's such a nice ghost. Can ghosts shag other ghosts? Ew, bad mental images of the Bloody Baron and Myrtle… gives a whole new meaning to seeing everything through.
9. Seize at the end of this lesson and take to a broom closet to snog forever! Mwah ah aha ha aha ah! I think I will! Excuse me…