Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the world of, nor do I own Mr. Potato Head... I will, however, take full credit for Professor Potato Head.

By Neurotica

The summer before Harry Potter's third year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was one his guardians would unfortunately remember for years to come. Since they'd taken him from his Muggle relatives eight years previous, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were quite protective of their nearly thirteen-year-old ward. Their worries for his safety were not unfounded; after only two months of having him in their care, Harry had been kidnapped and nearly killed by Peter Pettigrew and Lord Voldemort. Sirius had interrupted Voldemort's rebirthing ceremony with a well-placed Reductor charm, sending Voldemort back into hiding—he hadn't been heard from or seen since. Pettigrew received the Dementor's Kiss, the worst fate any witch or wizard could imagine, for the crimes he'd committed some twelve years before—he'd murdered twelve Muggles on a London street with one curse, and given away Lily and James Potter's—Harry's parents—to his master.

Sirius and Remus' concern about Voldemort eventually coming back to the world to destroy Harry seemed trivial at the moment as they prepared for something they hadn't counted on when taking Harry in. By no means was Harry James Potter a sheltered child; his guardians told him everything about his parents, the prophecy about him and Lord Voldemort, and just about anything else he wanted to know about. He knew about Remus' Lycanthropy, though he'd never seen his surrogate uncle during a transformation. Remus strictly forbade it, regardless of the Wolfsbane Potion he'd been taking for several years.

There was one subject, however, that neither wizard had even thought about discussing with Harry. There'd been no reason in the past, and it was just never brought up—that was something unimportant compared to the other things the boy needed to know to survive in the world. Neither of them was even sure how the subject been breached, but unfortunately for them, it had, and now they had to deal with it.

Sirius and Remus were sitting in the cottage that had once belonged to Remus' parents. After Sirius' release from Azkaban, Remus insisted his best friend and Harry live with him for as long as needed. Sirius and Harry moving out to get their own place was another subject that never crossed their minds. All three of them were quite content with the living arrangements, though Remus complained often about sharing his home with an ungrateful Auror who insisted on putting itching powder in Remus' clothes on a weekly basis.

The two friends were currently enjoying a quick lunch of bacon sandwiches while Sirius looked over reports for work and Remus prepared his lesson plans for his third year of teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. Harry was out flying with Ron and Ginny Weasley in a clearing deep in the wooded area behind the cottage.

"So I thought we could take Harry on a short holiday before you both abandon me for the legendary castle of Hogwarts," Sirius said, taking a sip of his butterbeer.

"Sure, Sirius," Remus muttered distractedly, furrowing his brow and crossing out something on his parchment.

"Maybe we could take him to France for a week or something."

"Sure, Sirius."

Sirius raised an eyebrow and tried again. "Or maybe Italy... Harry's never been there."

"Sure, Sirius."

Sirius smirked. "You know, even better than that... We could just take him to London. I hear they opened a new gentlemen's club where the women are completely nude, and let you take shots from their... Remus, are you even listening to me?"

Remus patiently sat his quill down on the table and looked across to his best friend, trying to hide his amusement at Sirius' whining. "A holiday would be wonderful. I haven't been to Italy in years. And you are not taking Harry to a strip club."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "He's got to see it sometime, doesn't he?" He grinned.

"Just because you knew every detail of the female anatomy at his age doesn't mean he should," Remus said flatly.

"That is not true!" Sirius said, quite offended. "You make me out to be some sort of slut, Moony."

Remus only raised his eyebrow and sipped his butterbeer thoughtfully. He frowned suddenly, and lowered said butterbeer slowly. "Sirius," he said just as slowly. "Did your father ever give you the talk?"

"What talk?" Sirius asked blankly.

"The talk. You know, the birds and the bees and all that?"

Sirius blinked in confusion for a few moments before his eyes widened in realization. "Oh! That talk."

"That talk," Remus said, nodding.

"Nope," Sirius replied airily. "Father rarely thought me worthy of talking to. Regulus, on the other hand, got it at some point, I'm sure," he added a bit bitterly. "Mister Potter gave it to Prongs and me before third year, though. Really embarrassing, that was." He laughed.

Remus continued to frown. "Yes, my dad gave me the talk just before third year, as well..."

"What's it matter?" Sirius asked suspiciously.

Remus looked out the large window beside the kitchen table. Harry and the Weasleys were exiting the woods with their broomsticks over their shoulders. "Both you and I got the talk before third year... Don't you think Harry should too?"

"What?" Sirius cried, knocking over his butterbeer bottle on his Ministry reports. "Evanesco," he muttered automatically with his wand, cleaning up the mess. He busied himself with shuffling his reports, avoiding Remus' comment.

"Sirius," Remus said.

"Yeah?" the other wizard said, his voice suddenly an octave above normal.

"It's got to be done," Remus said, his tone suggesting they were preparing to commit suicide.

"But he's... we're..." Sirius sputtered. "Harry doesn't think about those things!"

Again, Remus raised that infernal eyebrow. "Harry doesn't think about those things?" he repeated. "Sirius, are you forgetting whose son he is?"

"James', but what does that have to do with—Oh," Sirius said, his face falling. Remus nodded. "So we have to give him the talk, then?"

"I suppose. I mean, he is at that age..." Remus said quietly.

"How old were you when you started thinking about... you know..."

Remus chuckled as he watched his friend start to blush. Sirius Black never blushed. "I don't know... Fifteen, maybe?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Fifteen?" he asked incredulously. "Bloody hell, Remus! No wonder you didn't start dating until sixth year!"

"Shut up, Sirius," Remus muttered, a blush creeping up on his own cheeks. Sirius barked out a laugh and the conversation was put to an abrupt end when Harry and his friends entered through the backdoor.

The three teenagers greeted the wizards as Harry went to the refrigerator for a few butterbeers. Sirius and Remus exchanged a wary glance when Harry very kindly opened Ginny's up for her. It was a simple, everyday thing that Harry probably did all the time for his friend, but try telling those two that...

From their point of view, however, the gesture was so much more that what they would consider friendly...

Ginny and Ron finished their drinks and announced that they had to get back home to the Burrow—their mum was taking them to Diagon Alley for school supplies. Harry led them to the fireplace and held out a bowl kept on the mantle with greenish-blue Floo powder. Now, Harry and Ron may have shaken hands when they said goodbye, but Sirius and Remus didn't catch it; all they saw was Harry hugging Ginny tightly for a little longer than they believed necessary. Sirius thought the hug was much like the butterbeer bottle incident—a little more intimate than the supposed platonic relationship between Ginny and Harry.

"After dinner, then," Sirius said decisively as the Weasleys disappeared in a whirl of green flames.

Remus nodded. "After dinner."

Dinner at the cottage that night was tense. Harry was telling his guardians about the Quidditch game he and his friends had played that day. Sirius laughed nervously at parts while Remus concentrated solely on his meal. They should have known Harry would notice something was amiss, he always did.

"Okay, what's going on with you guys?" Harry asked after Sirius nearly dropped the pie they would be having for dessert.

Sirius' eyes widened. "W-why would you think anything's going on?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the way neither of you have said more than six words tonight. Or maybe the way Sirius yelped when I was talking about catching Ginny before she fell off her broom. Or maybe it was—"

"Okay, enough," Remus said firmly. Harry grinned. "Nothing's going on, Harry. Eat your pie, and get ready for bed; we've got a long day tomorrow."

"We do?" Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow.

Remus glared at him. "Just finish your pie, Harry," he muttered, standing from the table and smacking Sirius in the back of his head for good measure.

"Do we really have to do this?" Sirius muttered as he and Remus stood outside Harry's bedroom door.

Remus sighed. "Yes, we have to," he said, then added under his breath, "Unfortunately."

"But I don't wanna!" Sirius whined.

Remus knocked on Harry's door out of courtesy, but was sure the boy couldn't hear it over the loud music that was coming from his wizarding wireless. The werewolf very reluctantly pushed open the door and pulled Sirius in by the collar of his shirt. "Harry!" Remus yelled over the music. It was some old Muggle rock band Lily used to love; they were singing about stairways and Heaven. The wizarding wireless set Harry owned was top-of-the-line and could play Muggle music as well as magical.

Harry was on his four-poster bed, reading an old book of Remus'. Sirius crossed the room littered with clothes, books, and Quidditch gear to turn the music off.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "What's up?" he asked, closing his book and sitting up on his bed.

"We need to have a talk," Remus said heavily.

"A talk?" Harry repeated. His eyes widened slightly. "It's not about Voldemort, is it?"

"I wish," Sirius said, earning a very confused look from his godson as he sat on Harry's school trunk.

Remus sat beside Harry's bed on his Hogwarts trunk. "No, nothing about Voldemort. It's about..." he trailed off, unsure of how to begin the conversation. Harry never told them if he fancied any of the girls at Hogwarts, but they were sure he'd yet to find a girlfriend. "Right, so Harry... When a wizard gets to be around your age, he starts to develop... er, feelings..." he said lamely, blushing. Sirius groaned and buried his head in his hands. "What?" Remus snapped at his friend. "You think you can do any better?"

"I know I could," Sirius said confidently, lowering his hands from his face.

"Then go right ahead," Remus said irritably as he crossed his arms.

"Alright, Harry. When a witch and a wizard love each other very much, and only when they love each other very much, they do things together," Sirius began awkwardly.

Neither wizard noticed Harry's lips twitch. "What kinds of things?" he asked curiously.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, a deep blush creeping up his neck. "Er, well... things people in love do, you know?"

Harry shook his head. "No, I don't know. Tell me?" he said with an innocence that should have tipped his guardians off.

Sirius' blush was in his cheeks by now as he looked over to Remus for help. Remus sighed and looked around the room. "Ah," he said suddenly, standing from the trunk and crossing the room. When he sat again, he had two objects in his hands, both Muggle toys of Harry's from when he was younger. One was a stuffed black dog and the other was a Mr. Potato Head that had been charmed to have long, greasy hair, and a pointed nose.

"What the hell are those for?" Sirius whispered incredulously.

"Demonstration," Remus whispered back. "Now, Harry. Pretend the dog is a witch and Mr. Potato Head is a wizard—"

"Wait a tic! Why's the dog got to be the witch?"

"Because that's what I grabbed, Sirius."

"Use the bloody wolf!"

"Padfoot, shut up," Remus snapped. When he spoke next, his tone was full of irritation. "Right, then. The dog's the witch and Mr. Potato Head is the wizard."

"That's not even anatomically possible, I'll have you know," Sirius muttered.

Harry continued to stare at Remus curiously. His eyes were dancing in amusement, but he fought hard to keep a straight face. He'd pay anything to see where this was going...

"So the witch and wizard are very much in love—" Remus began.

"That thing looks too much like Snivelly for anyone's good," Sirius interrupted.

"You charmed it, Sirius," Remus said through clenched teeth.

"Well, yeah, but I never thought it would be used for something like this," Sirius said defensively.

"Anyway!" Remus said loudly. "The witch and wizard are very much in love, Harry, and they decide they want to further their relationship."

"Are they married?" Harry asked.

"Yes—" Remus said.

"No, but—" Sirius said at the same time.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Well, which is it, then?"

Remus bit his lip nervously. "They, er... They are—"

"They're not married, but they plan to get married very soon," Sirius said.

This time, Harry bit his lip. Not out of nervousness, but to keep himself from bursting out laughing. This was too much...

"So they want to have sex?" Harry asked bluntly. The reaction of his guardians was priceless. Remus dropped the toys he'd been holding, and Sirius fell sideways off his chair to the trunk with a yelp.

Remus was blushing so deeply that the color of his face would have easily matched the color of Lily Potter's dark red hair. "How—how do you..."

"How do I know about sex?" Harry asked lightly.

"Stop saying that word!" Sirius cried.

"What word? Sex?" Harry was sure he'd cracked a few ribs trying to keep from laughing.

"YES!" Sirius and Remus said in unison.

"What—what do you know about, er, that?" Remus asked lamely. Harry could feel the heat coming off his surrogate godfather's now very red face.

Harry shrugged. "Enough, I suppose. I know how everything works and all that," he said flippantly.

"Not from experience, I hope!" Sirius sputtered.

Again, Harry shrugged, not looking away from his guardians' looks of horror. "I pick things up around Hogwarts. Last year, Ron figured out how to get into the Prefects' bathroom, but instead of it being the guys' side, we got into the girls'. And I am on the Quidditch team, so it's not like girls aren't always hanging around the locker room." His guardians' jaws dropped so low they threatened to touch the carpet. "Not to mention, Angelina and Katie don't even use towels anymore after they shower... And they're always talking about contraceptive charms, and such."

None of this was true, of course; Harry just wanted to see his guardians' reactions.

Sirius paled, but his face was still quite pink. "So you're not, er, you're not—innocent, then?"

"Oh, no," Harry said brightly. "Not for some time now."

Remus thought he was about to have a heart attack. "But you're only twelve," he said weakly.

"I'll be thirteen in three days," Harry corrected.

"Moony, I think this discussion's over," Sirius said hoarsely, staring at his godson in disbelief. Lily and James are probably turning over in their graves, he thought. Then they're going to haunt Remus and me for the rest of our lives for corrupting their baby boy...

"Right you are, Sirius," Remus muttered. Without another word, the two wizards left Harry's room. That was not how they thought the conversation would go...

The two friends collapse on the sofa in the living room, and Sirius summoned a fresh bottle of firewhiskey. There was no need for glasses, it seemed; Sirius took four large gulps of the drink, and passed the bottle over to Remus.

Remus had only taken a few sips before his ears prickled. He lowered the bottle very slowly and turned towards Harry's room. "That little berk..." he said quietly.

"Eh?" Sirius grunted, snatching the bottle back.

"Sirius, do you hear that?"

"I don't hear anything..."

"He's laughing at us," Remus said slowly.

"He's... what?" Sirius said, his brow furrowing as he turned to look down the hall. Straining his ears, he could indeed hear the very muffled laughter of his dear godson. "He was lying to us..."

"He wanted to see us embarrass ourselves," Remus said.

"That was the most evil prank he's ever pulled," Sirius said quietly.

"Padfoot," Remus said evenly.

"Yes, Moony?"

"Never again will we speak of this night."

"Over my dead body," Sirius agreed.

"Or Harry's, whichever comes first."

"Because he cannot get away with this."

"He will not get away with this."

The last two Marauders raised their eyebrows at one another and began to plot revenge.

Harry would never know what hit him...