Harry Potter and the Stone Of Radical Improbability (SORI)

Disclaimer: If we have acknowledged the fact that J.K. Rowling did not write the first chapter, why on earth would she suddenly be inspired to write this one?

Author's Note: My deepest apologies to those who have been waiting anxiously! I was very busy/lazy! I recommend rereading Chapter 1 to refresh your memory. Forgive me for the wait and enjoy the lengthier, long-awaited sequel!

Chapter 2: Peculiar Things Always Happen At Night

It was now very late at night; the whole street was dark except for the occasional street lamp. And the penguin was still there. The penguin, sitting underneath a sign in front of the house, on which was written in big, bold, letters: #4 Privet Drive. Yes, that penguin; know any other? The penguin was getting very impatient. It had been sitting in front of the house, on the cold, hard ground since early morning, and it was beginning to get very annoyed. It was not a happy penguin. Actually, it wasn't a penguin either, but we will get to that soon enough.

It was watching the empty street, waiting for something to happen. And so, a few minutes went by, and then, something did happen. Something very strange. The wind suddenly picked up, and whirled through the trees, making all of the leaves rustle. But that was just a coincidence. A man had suddenly appeared in the middle of the street. He wore dark purple robes, spectacles on his nose, and he had a long white beard that reached his belt. His name was Dumbledore. The penguin, however, was so startled by the man's sudden appearance that it jumped up and made a noise like a squeaky toy for dogs. The man whirled around and glared at the penguin. Suspiciously.

"Professor McGonagall I presume?" he asked the penguin. The penguin squeaked again. Rather than squeak back three times and spin around, Dumbledore replied, "I would take that as a yes." The penguin suddenly morphed into a middle-aged woman. The former penguin wore emerald green robes, a strict expression on her face, and spectacles on her nose, but she did not have a long white beard since belts weren't currently fashionable for women, or female penguins for that matter. "No", she said, "Frodo Baggins of the Shire." Dumbledore blinked in confusion and didn't notice the flamingo flying down the street, behind McGonagall.

Professor McGonagall began laughing hysterically. Dumbledore looked at her, slightly bemused, and then opened his mouth, as if to offer her a lemon drop, but a sudden gust of wind conveniently blew a leaf into his mouth. Dumbledore spluttered and tried to swallow the leaf, but it lodged in his throat. He coughed loudly and tears welled in his eyes. McGonagall straightened up and laughed, gasping for air, as tears streamed down her face. "Hah! Frodo Baggins!" Then she noticed that he was crying.

"There, there." She stepped closer to him and patted him on the back. He began coughing loudly and grabbed his throat. He tried to say something, but it was hopelessly garbled by the leaf. She raised her eyebrows and asked, "What's wrong? Beef's in your moat?" Dumbledore shook his head frantically, reached into his pocket for his wand, but there was only a silver cigarette lighter inside. Dumbledore gargled at McGonagall. She tried again. "You had tea with your stoat?" Dumbledore almost screamed in frustration. He pointed to a tree then to his throat. "Oh my! You have a leaf in your throat! Are you ok?"

As Dumbledore shook his head, gasping for air, McGonagall despaired, "But I don't know how to do the Heimlich Maneuver!" Dumbledore groaned. McGonagall clapped a hand to her forehead. "Silly old me! I forgot I'm a witch!" She flicked her wand and a large white book appeared in her other hand, titled: How to Do the Heimlich Maneuver without Causing Permanent Damage to Yourself or the Victim. She quickly skimmed through it and then leaped into action. McGonagall wrapped her arms around Dumbledore's waist, made a fist with one hand and grabbed it with her other hand. She pressed her hands into his upper abdomen and quickly thrust upward several times. Another flamingo, flying by, was so distracted by this scene that it promptly crashed into a conveniently placed tree. Finally, the leaf flew out of Dumbledore's mouth.

Dumbledore took in several deep breaths. "Have you recovered?" asked McGonagall, "It says that, if not, I should proceed with CPR." "No, no I'm fine," Dumbledore said quickly, before McGonagall could magic a CPR handbook out of thin air, "Why didn't you just clear my throat with your wand?" "Well, excuse me, for saving your life," she snapped, back to wearing a strict expression. Dumbledore sighed helplessly. "Would you like a lemon-" he asked her. "No, I would not like a lemon drop," McGonagall told him angrily. "I did not sit on the cold, hard ground, since early morning, disguised as a penguin so that you could offer me lemon drops, you fool!" she yelled, going mad with rage and waving her wand wildly. Dumbledore took a few steps backward, almost walking into a street lamp. At #4 Privet Drive, Mr. Dursley turned over in his bed, having nightmares about penguins. "No, no, it wasn't me. I didn't eat that bagel," he mumbled frantically.

She took several deep breaths and continued in a calmer voice. "I wanted to know if you-know-who is gone. And Lily and James…are they…dead?" Dumbledore nodded sadly. "Oh Dumbledore, I just…don't want to believe it. After murdering so many people like Lily and James, how could one year-old Harry simply stop Him?" "We may never know," Dumbledore replied ominously, glad the old bag was no longer screaming at him. "So, what are you going to about Harry?" asked McGonagall curiously. "Well, er, Hagrid's bringing him to #4 Privet Drive," replied Dumbledore, nervously. "What! Are you out of your blooming mind?" she shrieked. "You trust him to get Harry while I have to do….everything I said a moment ago just to find out about the current situation?" "I would trust Hagrid with my life," Dumbledore replied defiantly.

McGonagall humphed loudly. Suddenly, a motorcycle carrying a giant man in a large, furry coat fell out of the sky and landed right on top of Dumbledore. The giant smiled at McGonagall and greeted her. "Hiya Professor McGonagall." He looked around. "Where's Dumbledore?" McGonagall pointed underneath the motorcycle, with a trembling finger, "Hagrid, he's under there!" Hagrid jumped off the motorcycle, panicking and shouted, "Under where?" Dumbledore came out of nowhere. "Ha! You said underwear!" McGonagall and Hagrid stared and stuttered, "But…how?" Dumbledore smiled mysteriously and replied, "I'll tell you later." Turning to Hagrid, he asked him, "Where'd you get that motorcycle anyway?" Hagrid turned red and said, "Well, you know…I found it in me pocket." "By the way, where's Harry Potter?" Dumbledore continued. "Harry Potter? Oh, that Harry Potter! Where is he, anyway?" Dumbledore began to fear for Harry's life.

Hagrid turned even redder. "Oh yeah! I picked him up, and then I…put him in my pocket…" and began rummaging through his oversized pockets inside his large furry coat. He took out various items including a red handkerchief tied to a yellow handkerchief tied to a blue handkerchief, a fire hydrant, a pet rock, a pair of ruby slippers, a small remote control, a roll of toilet paper, a library book titled Proceeding With CPR, a vacuum cleaner, a golden ring on a silver chain, a bunch of strange keys on a ring, and an unidentified flying object. "Aha!" Hagrid exclaimed, and took out a baby dead monkey. Gasp.

A few things happened simultaneously. McGonagall took a step backward, bumping into and triggering the burglar alarm of Hagrid's motorcycle. Dumbledore screamed like a little girl, cracking the window of a nearby house, and a flamingo dropped dead from the sky. Hagrid realized what he was holding and threw it over his shoulder with a yell. After a few ages, Dumbledore stopped screaming, and Hagrid pointed the remote control at his motorcycle, which, instead of shutting up, rose into the air and disappeared. "Damn!" swore Hagrid angrily. McGonagall screeched, "Shh! You'll wake the freaking muggles, you big twit!" Lights began turning on in several houses. Dumbledore shouted at both of them to shut up. He glared at Hagrid, who took out a small bundle of sheets holding the baby and handed it to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore dropped the baby gently underneath a sign in front of the house, on which you know well what was written, in big, bold letters. He then took out an envelope and covered the baby's ugly forehead with it. He turned to his two companions and waved his wand, disappearing along with McGonagall, protesting of leaving baby Potter at #4 Privet Drive, and crying Hagrid, with the contents of his pockets, in a bright flash of light. Underneath the envelope, the baby's forehead was marked with a large, glowing X.

And that concludes SORI chapter 2! I hope it was funny, and that you laughed, chuckled, and/or snickered while reading this chapter.

Here are the answers to the eight reviews I received before the publication of this chapter:

deppangel818: I'm sorry I kept promising and never updating!

CHICKENS of DOOM: Sorry I didn't update for such a long time! Did you pass your last math test using my Paranoia Formula?

Silver Mayflower: Yes, I did read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and I liked it so much that I decided to mimic Douglas Adams's unique style of writing!

Dragon of the lost world: Happy you liked it!

Caitlin-and-Emily: Of course! Go randomness!

FireAngel375: Here's the "more" you've been waiting for! (That rhymes!)

choochootrainofmonkeys: Love the name! I have written more! Keep commanding me to write more, and I just might listen!

Ok! That's pretty much it for this chapter, I will post the next chapter in at most a month, at least a week. Please review and tell me which chapter you liked better! See you then!

Alphapolitan