Part 9: Coming into the Light:
Ray 3: Making Time
Summary:
Chakotay and Janeway must deal with the effects that the contents of their letters from the alpha quadrant have on themselves and on each other. (J/C, CT)
Pairing: J/C, CT Rating: PG-13 Type of Story: Mush Level: 2
Part 9: Coming into the Light:
Ray 3: Making Time
Chakotay strolled out onto the bridge from his quarters. Neelix had indeed made breakfast and he Tom, Tuvok and Harry had a leisurely meal, but he still had a whole two hours until his duty shift began after he had returned to his quarters and gotten dressed for the day. He had decided to get an early start on his monthly reports, however in order to do that he needed to find the accepted personnel reports from the captain. Sitting in his chair at the bridge, he used the consul to check to see if the captain had downloaded them into the computer. She hadn't. He sighed, he would now have to find the PADD where she had kept the data and see if she had imputed her acceptance code. Maybe she had done so on the individual reports and had not gotten around to downloading all of the reports at the same time into the computer. Chakotay got up to go to the ready room figuring that she would have put it here.
He walked right in and did not bother with the chimes figuring that she would be still in her quarters, he stopped abruptly when he saw Kathryn sitting at her customary position behind her desk.
"Come in" she said with a bemused smile.
'Sorry Captain, but I thought that you would still be in your quarters, you duty shift doesn't start until three hours from now."
"I couldn't sleep"
Chakotay smiled as he came to join her on the desk.
"You should have joined us in the Mess Hall, half the senior officers were there two hours ago with the same ailment."
"Hmm" Janeway smiled and sipped her coffee. She punched in some code on her PADD and then placed on the desk, ready to give him her full undivided attention.
"Did you come in for something specific Commander?"
"Actually since I couldn't sleep, I decided to start on my monthly reports early, I came in to look for the accepted personnel reports."
"Tsks, tsk, tsk, Commander, one workaholic command officer is enough, don't be picking up some of my bad habits."
Janeway took her cup, got up and gestured to the couch, Chakotay followed her,
"Surely there is something else that you could be doing besides work at this hour."
"I guess for relaxation, I could be doing the same thing that you are doing at this hour. And that would be….." Chakotay looked at her questioningly.
She smiled slyly at him "Work. Well I'm better at giving orders rather than following them."
"As first Officer, this I know." Chakotay took his usual seat on the couch so that he could face the captain
"hrumph"
You know you never got around to telling me what your nightmare was about. Unless you don't want to talk about it now."
"It's nothing that big, it actually my usual nightmare, not getting the crew home, it's just that this time there was an alien in it"
"Usual nightmare?"
"Periodically after something bad happens, I have this re-occurring nightmare. It started right after the Borg/Species 8472 conflict and for a period of time after it, the dream was constant. Now it comes in fists and bursts." Kathryn didn't tell him that this time, her nightmare was different. In her original nightmares the crew were either assimilated in the Collective or transformed into aliens. She never had nightmares where they died because it took the full 70 years to get her crew home.
"Don't you have the same nightmares, especially after that period of time?" Kathryn was curious. They almost didn't make it during that conflict, was she the only one who worried about the decisions that she made in the Delta Quadrant.
"No I don't" Kathryn didn't know why, but this answer saddened and angered her at the same time.
"You'll get us home Kathryn, that I know." Chakotay looked directly at her. Kathryn met his gaze but looked away shortly after
"You know what I keep thinking about, Chakotay." What would it be like if we were to get home tomorrow. It has been so long since we heard any news from the alpha quadrant. I wonder how Starfleet is doing especially in the situation that brought us together in the first place. And of course, what happens to us when we get there, especially those of us who were in the Marquis."
"Us!" Chakotay looked directly at her, his gaze intense.
"Chakotay, please, US. We have been through to much together, to start separating out the Marquis from the original Starfleet Crew."
"That may be so," Chakotay's face remained dark, "But I think that Starfleet will be able to easily make that distinction."
Kathryn sat up suddenly and grasped his arm. "Maybe they can, but I won't!" Her eyes pinned him with her stare
"Kathryn, you don't have to worry about us, or even about me. Being part of this crew has turned my life around and I'm sure I'm not the only one. There was a reason for us being stranded here in the Delta Quadrant and there are consequences. I have already made peace with the inevitable when we get home."
"I won't give up on you Chakotay, this is my crew and I won't allow them to be thrown to the wolves, even if the wolves are wearing a Starfleet uniform."
"I know that Captain." Chakotay smiled at the resolution in her voice
"And then again, this maybe a mute point, I doubt that we would be in contact with Starfleet tomorrow, or even the next day."
Kathryn dismissed the thought; they had plenty of time, before they had to worry about that scenario.
Time may have just run out
Kathryn was sitting in her quarters a half written letter on the PADD in front of her. She picked it up and looked at it again, thinking about the same conversation they had about what? A month ago. Talk about premonitions. Now it seemed that supposition was about to become reality. A year ago, she had started this letter and then just stopped accepting the futility of letting people back home know about her days and night in her Command of Voyager. Now she could continue. Or should she. It's been a while since they had their hopes up about getting back home. Did she remember the disappointments that she felt each time they did not pan out.
This time is different though, Kathryn mused to herself. They weren't getting home, they were just going to be in contact, and since that was less than she wanted, this time it may just come to pass. The Doctor would be back through the alien array at any time, she could feel it in her gut and that was a good sign.
It's been a while since I last wrote to you, Mark, and it has been four years since I have been away from you and still, even this far away, something would happen to me during the day; an ordinary thing and I'd remember you and remember us. All the times we had together and all the plans that we made.. I don't miss you as much as I did when I was first stranded here, but in the unguarded moments, it seems that the pain of being apart from you as fresh as the first month that I have been stuck here.
Kathryn wasn't so sure what she felt at that instant, but she knew if there was any hope that Mark had waited for her she was going to encourage it. They had been engaged and had been through too much together for her to give up on them without a fight.
I told Kathryn that I was prepared to face the consequences when we got back home. Now I'm not too sure. I know that she'll fight the hardest for us, but Starfleet is not going to just let us go on to resume our normal Marquis activities. We will be detained until the fighting is over. I can't believe that I will have to spend the rest of the war in a prison cell. Part of me is glad at the prospect. We have so much of a Starfleet crew over the past four years, I had forgotten how much I had missed it, how much I had missed wearing the uniform. Yet still another part of me is trying to figure out how to convince the Captain to let is out before we reach Starfleet headquarters so we can continue the fighting. Still one step at a time. If you are reading this, I'm sure that at this time, all we will have are two way communications.
Chakotay lowered the PADD as he finished scribing that statement. Should he expect more than that? And why did he feel as if he hoped for less.
Chakotay could feel all eyes on him as he descended to his seat on the bridge. He wished that he had more to say, better news to give, but there wasn't any. The Doctor was just not back yet, and they didn't know when he would be, if he would be. All they could do was wait and hope.
Taking his seat, he noticed that Kathryn was trying hard to hide a PADD from him.
"What's that?"
"Letters home," she says. "I started them a year ago. One to my family...one to Mark," she adds with a shy smile. "I'm making a few updates just in case...I know. It's premature," she admits.
"It's probably a mistake for us to get our hopes up at all. We've been through this before."
Janeway stared at him and unable to keep his secret any longer, he broke into a smile.
"All right, I'll admit it. I just finished a letter to my cousin in Ohio." Janeway slapped his arm playfully with the PADD as they share a cautious chuckle.
"It looks like our discussion a month ago was not too much off the mark." He said in way of conversation.
"I know, who would have thought that we'd be here now, waiting to get word that people in the Alpha Quadrant at least know that we are alive?"
"Who indeed" She looked so cautiously optimistic that Chakotay did not have the heart to mention some of the dark thoughts that had been running through his mind about their possible communication link to the Alpha Quadrant.
Chakotay sat staring out of the window. The stars were not moving. Usually they were whenever he stopped and took the time to look out. But not today, because today was one of the most important days of their time in the Delta Quadrant. They had made contact with the Alpha Quadrant. People knew they were out there and were trying to get back. They would try to stay in constant contact, would try to help them get back a little sooner, they would bring news of home.
They wanted you to know that you were no longer alone.
60,000 years just got a little closer today.
Chakotay put the PADD in his hand on the desk and moved over to the couch. Somehow, he could not take his eyes off the windows.
The chime sounded. Chakotay stood, "Come"
Janeway entered Chakotay's Office and was surprised to see him standing by the couch.
"Any word?" He asked. They were standing dead in space waiting to see if any response would come from Starfleet along the same relay network that they had used to send the Doctor.
"No, not yet"
"How long are we going to wait here?"
"As long as it takes Chakotay, I don't want to have a mutiny attempt on my hands." Kathryn came and joined him at the couch, they both took their seats.
"True" Chakotay replied, but Kathryn noticed he was a little somber.
"Apprehensive Chakotay?" He met her gaze. "I guess that I am" Chakotay deflected her. "What about you?"
"Same here, although I guess it's for a different reason. For a long time we have been the single voice of Starfleet. Now I am going to be one arm of the original voice, one ship among many ships that are being directed by Starfleet command."
"Do you know how long it has been since I have been given an order? I don't know how well I'll respond to one that I don't agree with." Kathryn looked bemused
Chakotay laughed aloud.
"Kim to the Captain."
"Yes, Harry"
"Please come to the bridge, we are receiving a transmission."
Kathryn and Chakotay shared a look as they made their way to the Bridge.
What was going on with the Cardassian/Maquis conflict was only one of Chakotay's concerns. He hated to put a damper on things, but this was something that he was tossing about in his mind and had to be said.
"Probably, but I can see where it might make it more difficult for some, I guess a lot of people had given up on us, done their mourning, gone on with their lives, found some kind of resolution and now they get word that we are alive but so far away that we may as well be dead."
Watching Harry and Kathryn keeping their hope alive, he didn't have the heart to press home his point. But there was something, something dark looming, his gut could feel it. It was another reason why he didn't press home the point. He had a feeling that he should let them have their joy and their hope now, he was certain sorrow was following.
But I didn't think it would be for me and for every other Marquis, and in fact every other member on this crew.
Chakotay sat transfixed at his desk. He had gotten through the first few lines when he thought it best to finish the letter in private. Ayala and Jarvin where on the Bridge and from the time he had read Sveta words, he knew that he couldn't face them, not yet and definitely not in front of the Bridge Crew.
I've got terrible news Chakotay,
It's Over. We have been defeated.
They were waiting on word. On news on how their battle had feared in their four year absence and he knew that they would be able to tell if something was wrong by his expression and by his refusing to say something. But he couldn't tell them anything, he didn't know what to say and how to say it because he couldn't absorb it himself. He had read it over an hour before he could begin to in his quarters, and still part of him was looking for something in that this was an elaborate hoax. But it wasn't, and Chakotay knew that he had to begin to accept that.
His hands formed a steeple in front of his face. Chakotay tried to figure out what he felt. There was numbness. He knew he should feel anger, but helplessness fought for most of the numbness. They should have been there. If Janeway hadn't destroyed the Caretaker's array, then they would have been and they would have died for what they believed in, for what they had been fighting for. And yet if she hadn't, he would have never gotten the opportunity to explore this wondrous part of space, to be a part of Starfleet again and to be a part of the crew of one of the most amazing, determined and wonderful women that he had ever met.
But all the dead, they had needed, him as much as the living on this ship had needed him also. And now the living would need him more. Not only the Marquis survivors, but the Starfleet personnel.
The Federation is now at war with the Dominion who have taken up residence in Cardassian space in the Alpha Quadrant
The Federation at War.
Wasn't it just over a year ago, when he and Kathryn were talking about something that she had mentioned that the Federation had been at peace for over 80 years? She had spoken about it as if they would be at peace for another 80 more. In the space of one year, so many things have changed.
Chakotay got up. He had to go to Kathryn. He had heard that she had gotten a letter, she must know the kind of news that they were getting and they needed to talk about this, to figure out how to deal with the emotional health of the crew.
He stopped short, when he reached the door, his anger came to him in a short burst. Let Kathryn worry about her own crew, right now there was someone who needed to know about this first before anyone else. He and B'Elanna had been through to much for her to find out from some else. He had to tell her personally.
Chakotay had no idea what he was going to say even as he approached B'Elanna, she was working on the upper deck in engineering. He clung to a wild hope that maybe the letter he got was a hoax, maybe she had gotten one that would confirm that theory.
"Have you gotten a letter yet," Chakotay asked by way of greeting.
B'Elanna did not look up as she answered, her demeanor, seemed to reflect his mood.
"Don't expect one." Came the reply, she did not stop working. Chakotay knew it was time to stop grasping at straws.
"Do you remember Sveta?" he asked;
"Of course"
"I got one from her."
"Why would she be writing you?" Chakotay had been facing B'Elanna but he found that now that it was time to give her the news, he couldn't. He turned away from her and was silent for a long time searching for the words to tell her of what had happened in their absence.
Warning bells were going off in B'Elanna's head. Chakotay looked as if he had given up his soul, she had never seen him look like that. She placed her PADD on the deck, her concern growing into almost panic at what she was seeing. Whatever news he got from back home, it seemed that he almost could not bear it.
"Chakotay, what is it?"
"Something terrible has happened," Chakotay finally says. "I read that letter for an hour before I could accept it. Now I have to tell everyone else...and I'm not sure how to do it."
Finally he looks over and faces her. "It's over, B'Elanna. There are no more Marquis."
"What are you saying? There are thousands of us."
"All wiped out. It seems the Cardassians have an ally...a species from the Gamma Quadrant who supplied them with ships and weapons."
B'Elanna shook her head in disbelief. "Atara...Roberto...everyone except us is dead?" she asked, her voice rising.
"Just about. Sveta and a few lucky ones are in prison."
"No!" She moved away from Chakotay. Realizing her rage for the hurt and pain that it was he tried to reach out to her, to touch her in some way, to try to share her grief.
"B'Elanna!"
"You don't try to console me! I don't want to be comforted! Those were our friends...good people willing to put their lives on the line for something they believed in and now you're telling me that they are gone...that they are slaughtered."
"Those are the risks we all took, we knew where it could lead…" Chakotay tried again to reach her, he didn't even believe what he was saying, he just wanted to touch her, in some way commune with her with her anger to lesson some of the pain that they both felt.
"It's not right and you know it, I will make someone pay, I swear I will" At this time she leaned against the banister hiding her face from him, isolating herself and keeping the pain personal refusing to share it with him, refusing to diminish it in some capacity, in order to justify the guilt and helplessness that she felt being so far away.
"If we ever get back." Finally B'Elanna faced him.
What good was hope in a way home if it got you back to an alpha quadrant where slaughter on such a massive scale was committed?
Chakotay tried one more time to reach out to her by putting his hand on her shoulder and this time B'Elanna sagged against it. He knew that B'Elanna would need time alone to grieve
But Chakotay found that he could not stay there, any longer, he himself now felt that he had to be alone.