R_S: I think I really like this chapter =)

Chapter 18

Sweetly

It surprised Bambi the first time she thought to herself 'fuck, I am so goddamn happy' and meant it. It was early afternoon in the Wreck Room and she had time off after a legitimate brawl in E-Tent (very surprising to all parties, including some involved). The D-Tent guys were all done with their holes, and she was lounging with them, Squid with his arm casually slung around her shoulder. He had become less uptight about that as his affection for her grew and it became clear that some of the other guys needed reminding that she was off-limits, if they had not seen him touch her in a while.

She also had to acknowledge she had a hand in that. One month to the day he had tied strings around her wrist and she had tasted his lips for the first time, he had tried to figure out some kind of a gift, a particularly smooth stone or a hand-written card or some similar trinket that would be "normal," as she had called it during their first fight. He admitted to her in frustration that he "couldn't figure this shit out" and just had a dirty rock and a blank piece of paper he had even gotten from her notebook. So, instead he broke into Mr. Sir's office and, for once, forwent the camper files in lieu of a Max the Destroyer action figure. It was the sweetest thing she could imagine. That afternoon she had let things get admittedly a little farther than she was planning on going only a month in, farther than she thought she would ever feel comfortable going with any boy after everything that had happened over the past year leading up and including Camp Green Lake. But honestly? She did not regret it. And he told no one, just seemed to feel closer to her. His love language, it seemed, was touch. And frankly, she liked touching him.

Bambi liked most things about Squid, even his bad qualities. He was a jerk, but he was her jerk. And they could sit, surrounded by what she considered to be at least quasi-friends and just exist there in that bubble tucked away from the outside world. She did not have to think about where she was or why. Instead, she could just escape. Maybe that was why she liked it, an impish and cruel voice whispered from the back of her mind, because there was no Derek or Malcolm there. There was no Luis. She could pretend to be whole.

She hated that thought, but it crept in as the mail was delivered and the guys gathered around her care package to eat, careful to make sure the counselors never saw Squid and her touching. The cookies went quickly, as always, and she had taken to letting her tentmates subtly sneak some of the contraband back to the tent for her in exchange for a cut. She got these boxes at least once a week, much to the staff's chagrin, and it served her better to allow her boys (when had they become her boys?) that sense of power and entitlement than to just horde her goods and trade them. She always had plenty to last the week and more than enough to barter and make herself useful to the others. X-Ray liked her a hell of a lot more since she started being liberal with the candy and treated her notably better, bumping her in front of Zero in line. She shot the kid an apologetic look, but he did not seem to pay her any mind. Dealing with his crazy was a little more than she could handle on the regular, but she slipped a whole bag of gummies under his pillow that day- he did totally save her ass from A-Tent, so who was she to throw stones?

That memory nauseated her, and she turned her attention back to the pile. She had letters from her family and one each from Mel and Bri. News about the appeals and the trial and the outside world. Bambi gripped them tightly, unopened, and leaned over to breathe in Squid's ear.

"Hey, it's crowded in here. Wanna go back to the tent for a while?" He kept his face schooled rather than break into that dopey grin he sometimes did, certain Pendanski or Mr. Sir might actually catch onto that. But he did nod.

"You guys can finish whatever you want. Can someone just walk me back to the tent?" She made sure the adults saw her take the letters, let them think she was going to read them in privacy where none might see her cry and allowed them the snide remark with a fake expression of despondence. Squid followed with a practiced blasé expression. The letters where shoved carelessly under the bed as she herself was shoved against the metal bars protecting her area of the tent. Sleeping in what was essentially a cage sucked, but it was still hot to be pressed up against it with Squid's mouth hot on her neck.

He paused after some time, his cheek resting against hers. "Did you want me to take a few so you could read those?" He did not need to gesture to the letters for her to understand what it was to which he referred.

She shook her head, pulling him impossibly closer against her. "They'll say the same shit later. I only have you to myself now." They made out for a while longer, went as far as Bambi liked to let it go. The echoing emptiness within begged for him to touch her, but she was not there yet and let him come undone under her touch in that way that gave her a rush of power instead. She liked that, making it happen for him and being in control. Surprisingly, he was a cuddle fiend, wanting to feel her flush against him and smell her hair and the crook of her neck. Despite the heat, she relished the feeling. And sometimes, on days like today where he had breathed her name just so, he was so damn sweet. He whispered to her how beautiful she was, how he wished time would stop as he pressed chaste kisses across her skin and gazed at her almost longingly. When they had finished, she was settled with her head on his bare chest, their exposed legs tangled together.

"What do you like?" He asked suddenly as they settled into a comfortable silence. She had thought he was asleep.

"What?" She asked and laughed. "Like, about you? Or did you just want me to say you?"

"Well obviously me," he smirked, "But no, I mean, like, in general. I know you're cranky at 4:30 in the morning and you can't dig a hole to save your damn life." He rolled over on top of her, supporting his weight on his arms so as not to crush her, and started kissing his way up her neck.

"Yeah?" She giggled.

"And I know you make my favorite sound when I kiss you right… here." He pressed his lips to that spot that made her breath hitch and her hips buck up to him, and he was right, that sound she never knew she could make escaped her lips.

"Alan…"

"But I don't know what you're like out in the world, where you belong. I wanna picture it." With a gentle hand, she rolled him off of her and turned onto her side so they could face one another. He played with the hem of her t-shirt and she shrugged, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"What do you wanna know?" Right now, the outside didn't feel as daunting to think about as before, not with Squid tucked into her bed.

"I dunno… like I said, what do you like?"

She rolled her eyes, "Lots of things, you're gonna have to be more specific."

"Fine… dessert."

"Dessert?"

"Yeah, dessert. What dessert d'you miss most? The first thing y'all are gonna get as soon as you hightail it outta here."

"The dessert I miss most is chocolate, for sure. Especially something with hazelnut. I'll probably eat my body weight in Ferrero Rocher when I finally see freedom." Her mom had tried to send her some chocolate, but it decidedly did not ship well, and she was not ok with letting a bunch of hormonal teenage boys watch her lick something.

"Expensive tastes." He noted, sounding slightly disheartened.

"Hey, you asked what I missed most. Now that I can't have it, it's all I want."

"Yeah, but most people's favorite dessert is somethin' like a kind of ice cream or their mama's cake, not some fancy shit."

"I never said it was my favorite, just said it's what I missed most. You didn't ask me for my favorite."

He gave her an exasperated look. "I thought that was implied. Who doesn't miss their favorite thing most?" She pulled him over to kiss him again before answering.

"Someone who already has their favorite dessert, duh."

"Gummy worms?" He suggested, gesturing to her bag.

"Good guess, but no. Jell-O. Strawberry, obviously." They often served it with dinner in the mess hall.

"Jell-O?" He asked, incredulous, "Whose favorite dessert is Jell-O?"

"Mine, ya jerk!" She pushed his shoulder and he laughed.

"Darlin', Jell-O is just… why?"

She ticked off the reasons on her fingers, "It doesn't make a mess, it tastes good, it's relatively low calorie. Boom! Best dessert."

Squid snorted and ran his hand down the dip of her waist. "You chicks n' countin' calories. N'm sure ya don't need to. You're beautiful." He told her in a rare moment of gentility. Bambi smiled despite herself, so hard her cheeks burned and pressed a sweet kiss to his lips.

"Don't go tellin' people I said that shit," he warned gruffly, pulling away, "I just don' wanna see you startin' to do that here n' passin' out again."

"I won't," she laughed.

"Which one?" He smirked.

"Either. I'm too tired to count anything, much less calories in slop. Anyway, I had to watch my weight before. I, sir," she tilted her head up with faux haughtiness, "was an athlete."

He poked her bicep, "You couldn't'a been an athlete- ya got noodle arms."

She shrugged, "I was a cheerleader for a while, but I was a flyer and high on the pyramid."

"I have literally no idea what you just said except for cheerleader, which is super-hot, so…" She laughed, and they shared a chaste kiss. She snuggled in closer to his chest, breathing in the smell of sweat and boy.

A loud bang sounded against one of the cots in the main area. They all but leapt apart, pulling back on their jumpsuits as quickly as possible. Bambi smoothed out her hair while Squid exited her area quickly, all but throwing himself on his cot directly beside it. She could practically hear the scowl in his voice.

"What the fuck, Zero, y'all just about gave us a goddamn heart attack burstin' in here! What's your-"

Before he could finish, Pendanski's voice cut through gratingly. "Hello Zero, Alan. I'm just coming around to everyone in D-Tent to let you boys know we'll be having our group a little earlier than usual today. Have you seen our lovely Katrina?" She winced at the creepy comment and Squid openly scowled at him, jerking his head toward where he had just left.

"In here. Got it, thanks." she called, not bothering to open the flap. She had found a work around to calling him by his given name or the camp moniker by simply never directly addressing him by any title. She wouldn't be disrespectful by calling him Mom, but she also didn't have to piss off her campmates by calling him Dr. Pendanksi. X-Ray was still fairly annoyed by it, but she had a feeling Squid secretly liked that he was dating a good girl, even if he glared at her too.

When she heard Pendanski leave, she slid out with half a bag of gummy bears.

"Thanks, Zero," she told him simply, tossing it beside him on his cot, "that was solid." She shot a pointed look at Squid, who had been harassing the boy, but he was not one to be told what to do and just offered the smaller kid a nod. She figured she would take what she could get.

"I better start on dinner, if we're starting group early. I'll see you later."

"Should I walk you?"

"Nah," she poked her head out, waved an arm out of the tent at someone, and popped back in, "Zigzag's by the spigot. I'll make sure Mr. Sir sees me talking to him, let him think he walked me." They practiced making sure the counselors saw her around the other boys regularly enough that they did not get suspicious of her time with Squid. He let her kiss him, since it was only Zero around, and she walked out, offering the kid who was already digging into his candy a little wave.

That had been one of the good days. There were enough of those to keep her going, to push her through the day-to-day. Most days were not so idyllic, simply made up of slogging monotony, though. Others were even worse.

There were days, Katrina was learning during her stay at Camp Green Lake, when everyone was in a shit mood. That day her first week, when the lock was broken off her shower, that was one of them. She had just been too new to pick up on it. Now, though, she could feel them under her skin. Maybe it was something in the water those day, maybe a storm that did not pass the mountains but messed with the bariatric pressure around them in the same way that cause migraines. Either way, the air was always full of tension and shit just went wrong.

It was one of those days. She was pacing around the tent, trying to relieve nervous energy and ruminating on the shit storm that was her life. Her Nair, the only hair removal she was allowed as there was no one to supervise her shaving like they did the boys, had spilled all over one of her notebooks, ruining much of the paper and forcing her to ration the remaining depilatory lotion until she could get more. Great. She had one fucking good thing going for her in this shit hole, Squid, and he was not going to want to run his hands across her hairy-ass legs. She had not slept with him, not even close. And he was fine with that, made it quite clear that they were in a good place. Still, it felt tenuous. She knew it was ridiculous, but some part of her felt like she needed to keep things right so he would not get bored. It was unlikely, she admitted. He seemed to really genuinely like her, and it was not as though he had a better option. This was his only option for regularly scheduled make-out sessions and hand-jobs, so to be honest, she probably had him on a pretty short leash. But Bambi was not going to let anything ruin it when she had a good thing going, least of all becoming unattractive to her boyfriend. Then again, if she used it just a little less it would save her a lot of time and energy…

Fuck it. He probably only wanted her because she was his only option, the jerk. Well, ok, that was hypocritical- she honestly sometimes wondered how much she liked him and how much she liked just not being alone and scared. Usually, she just pushed that thought away; the amount he made her laugh when they were alone was evidence enough that she liked him in a very real way. But today that guilt festered and just made her angrier. Fuck him, using her. And fuck this place. She kicked the side of her cot and tried to ignore the pain radiating up her foot.

"Hey." A gruff greeting accompanied the sound of flapping burlap. Speak of the devil. Squid entered the tent carelessly, dropping down onto his own cot.

"Wreck room too crowded?" Bambi asked, schooling her voice carefully in an attempt not to betray her mood. He only grunted, not unusual for him but inexplicably infuriating that afternoon. "Ok, I don't know what that means."

"It means yeah, and I'm in a bad fuckin' mood and don't wanna talk." He snapped.

"Fine. Whatever." He did not answer that, and she just stood awkwardly over her own cot. She wanted to take a walk, badly. But he was the only one around and god for whatever fucking reason, she did not want to see his stupid face. Except that then she immediately did, because then she started thinking about how he only had so much time left there and would leave her behind and she wanted to cling to him as much as possible until then. That just made her feel pathetic and angrier. Fuck it. The guys all kept to themselves on days like these, and she could at least pace or something in the kitchens. She just did not want to be there with him.

She headed for the exit when his grip caught her wrist, loose but still tighter than usual. "Where the fuck you goin'?"

"I'm antsy and I don't want to be here." Bambi snapped, ripping her wrist from his grip.

"N' what, you're just gonna wander off?" He shook his head, "I don't think so."

"I'm just going to the kitchen!"

"Not without an escort, you ain't."

"Oh my god, you're so fucking controlling! You're not my boss!" It sounded childish even to her ears, but the emotions had escalated beyond either of them acknowledging that.

"You're my girl, Bambi, I take care of you! But I can't do that if y'all go wandering off carelessly!" He usually called her by her nickname, they both did unless they were well into exploring each other's mouths and bodies. But for some reason, today, being Bambi to him instead of Kat made her heart sting and her blood boil.

"Yeah, for now Squid," she hissed, "but what about later? You get out before me. What about when you won't need me anymore?"

"What the fuck are you even talking about?" His expression was angry and confused.

"You like me cuz I'm here. It's like… it's like being prison gay." She threw up her hands.

"What the- you're calling me gay now? What is this, Kat, is this some weird ploy to get me to, I dunno, be more affectionate or something? Cuz you're makin' up some crazy shit-"

"I'm not making anything up, Alan! I just wanna know how I'm supposed to know this is real. How am I supposed to know you like me for me, not just cuz I'm the only thing you can get right now; a sad consolation prize until you can have something better out there." Tears stung at her eyes, and he looked stricken.

"No… no, babe, it ain't like that-"

"Just… never mind, I need to be alone."

"You ain't allowed to go anywhere alone, Kat- Kat!" She brushed him off and walked away, ignoring his calls.

They were mad at each other for a couple days. He still walked her places, glared down wandering eyes and put them in their place, but they spoke little. She felt like she should apologize. He honestly had not really done anything wrong. But apologizing felt so submissive, like she was acquiescing to the fact that he would not want her after he left and she was fine with that. Still, she grabbed his hand as they left one morning and asked him to meet her back at the tent after his hole. Seeing he looked worried, she pressed a kiss to the side of his neck, let him know she was ok. He came to her guarded that afternoon, arms crossed and distance maintained. But her explanations eased him closer to her, until they were snuggled onto the cot whispering soft words and exchanging even softer kisses. He pushed her hands away when she tried to touch him in the ways he liked, and it scared her, wondering if that meant he might be pulling away.

"Not now," he whispered, "I don't want that to be how you apologize t'me." He asked her instead to tell him what was going on, make him feel like she really wanted him the way he wanted her. So she did.

"It's just… you know I want you. There are like 40 other guys, but you're the only one I want to be here with. I don't know that you like me and not just… y'know?"

He gruffly assured her he thought her beautiful and funny and that he was happy.

"I dunno, there are a lot of hotter girls out there who would want you."

He snorted at that, declaring he was not exactly a ladies' man. It was hard to take girls out when you had no money, no car, and an alcoholic mother back in your run-down home. And besides, most people were scared of him. He liked it that way, but it also meant girls looked at him like he might… she kissed that thought away for him, whispered how he was nothing like the A-Tent guys who would do something like that. She had seen him raise hands to a lot of the males around camp but never to her, not in a million years.

"But Alan… what am I going to do when you're gone? They'll still be here but you won't."

"You'll be D-Tent's responsibility. I'll make sure you have someone lookin' out for you, no question. Nothin' is gonna happen to you, I'll make sure of that. Just… don't go lookin' for no one else here. I don't wanna think I was just a… just don't. You're mine."

She kissed him slowly at that. "You took care of me long before any of this. I didn't need to be with you; I wanted to. I don't want anyone else here, wouldn't want them."

"So it wasn't like… if it wasn't me, it wouldn't be Zig-Zag neither?" She looked affronted at that.

"What?"

He shrugged, "I dunno, kinda thought for a while… we got a li'l physical over it a couple times." She laughed, and he looked put out, but she rolled onto him and kissed him deep and long.

"Zig-Zag's cute, but he's not you. He can crush all he wants, but I'm good where I am." She yawned, "Being mad at you is exhausting."

He wrapped around her tighter, "Reckon we got time for a quick nap."

Bambi nuzzled into him with a contented mewl, "I like the sound of that."

End of Chapter

R_S: I'm thinking about posting this to AO3. I hear that's what all the cool kids do now?