Rest for a Chaotic Mind

She'd done it again. She walked by his former department half expecting to see him through the window, but of course he wasn't. Instead she saw the room where he used to be, echos of the music pulsating while he worked a case, empty carrying only his essence now. She paused a moment imaging him as he worked from one item to another. While he worked ,the outside world disappeared, it was only him and the evidence. Exhaling deeply, she began to walk again, forcing the tears back. Getting on to the elevator, Alexx thought to herself, ' I gotta get away from here.' As the lift traveled down to the morgue , Alexx gazed into space, reminiscing on the good times with him; company picnics, nights out with the team, time with her family. Lost in the past, Alexx let the tears fall, contemplating turning around and walking out the door. Instead the door to the elevator opened and she stepped out.

She opened the door to the morgue, and shivered. The sensation caused confusion for Alexx; she didn't know if she belonged there anymore. Nothing had been the same since the day that he lain on her table. She constantly heard his voice, and saw his body still lying on the stainless steel. On that day , doing what came naturally, Alexx lost herself. Cutting him open , she stared into an abyss , unable to comprehend how he could end up on her table. Everyday, every moment since then, her mind filled with the details; shot in the chest , bullet lodged in the heart , blood in the lungs, died instantly. She couldn't escape the feeling of despair when she undressed him, or her heart breaking while she cleaned the blood off of his face. Unlike every other autopsy, she had been silent. Her tears were the only sound that was made as she made the Y incision.

Sighing deeply , she settled behind her desk, attempting to push the turmoil back in her mind, trying valiantly to finish reports that were piling up on her hard drive. From time to time she glanced at the autopsy theater, allowing the tears to resurface. It had been like this since he'd been gone. She could not finish her work, not in this room . Not where she last saw him. The cell phone at her side startled her out of her funk, the familiar ring annoying her. Despite her despair, life had to go on and it also had to end. Her job was never done.

The day was bright and warm, sweltering to the tourist, but it was comfortable to the locals, who were accustomed to the heat. Just another day in Miami. The wind was stiff ,but not enough to drive the humidity down. The haze of the sun pierced through Alexx's eyes that were red from crying, and she pulled her sunglasses down over them. She didn't want anyone to see that she had been crying yet again. She didn't know how many knew about her special relationship with Speed, frankly she didn't care. But she did catch wind of others talking in whispers about her detached behavior after he had died.

Getting out of the car, she noticed Horatio as he began to walk towards her. He was always in control of his emotions and sometimes that annoyed Alexx. Just once , she would've liked to have seen him cry for his fallen colleague. But Horatio just continued to work , pushing his pain aside. He'd been there when Speed was fatally shot. He held him and comforted him until his last labored breath passed from his lips. Then he went out and found the little boy and returned him to his mother. Speed would not be coming back, and Horatio knew that all too well. Still Alexx wondered how he was able to function at the level he did. Some days it was an effort for her to get out of bed, much less to perform in a successful manner at work. But years of sorrow and guilt had perfected Horatio's ability to focus on what mattered, completing the work he was commissioned to do.

"Alexx, how are you holding up?" He asked taking off the sunglasses. His blue eyes held concern and familiar sadness.

"I'm fine. It's just been a hard day for me, you know?" She said grabbing her kit. She really wasn't in the mood to talk. " Where's the DB?"

Horatio led her to a spot behind a cluster of bushes. " How original." Alexx said simply. She realized that she sounded like Speed. He always had a sarcastic comment to say.

Horatio looked at Alexx, observing the way she approached the scene. There was something definitely wrong with her. " Is everything alright, Alexx?"

Alexx continued to work, processing the body and ignoring Horatio's question. She didn't look up , knowing that if she saw Horatio's eyes, she would crumble. She couldn't deal with her feelings, not here, not now.

" Liver temp was 77 degrees, puts time of death around ten to twelve hours ago. She's got signs of strangulation , bruising presents that a rope of some kind was used. Found something on her eyes. I'll get it to Speed...Um Mr. Wolfe after post."She continued to work her preliminary analysis aware of what she said. She felt Horatio's compassion as he looked at her. He knelt down beside her , placing a comforting hand on her back. Before he could say anything , Alexx got up quickly. Turning away from him, she took a moment to gather her thoughts, staving off any tears that threatened to swell to the surface.

" I'll page you if I find anything else," she said with her back to him.

" Alexx,..."

"I'll know more at post."

" You need to talk to someone."

"I'll call you if I need you , Horatio," Alexx said walking away.

Horatio watched as she left, feeling that something wasn't right. He knew that someone had to talk to her about Speed. He himself had relented and began seeing a psychologist , and he was able to get his grief out. But , he still held the guilt of not being able to save him. He continued to watch Alexx as she passed by Calleigh and Eric without speaking and got into her car. Calliegh looked back at her with a quizzical expression.

"Horatio, what's going on with Alexx?", Calleigh asked.

" Speed."

Calleigh knew that Alexx had taken Speed's death hard , but she had decided to give her friend room to grieve. Now her concern grew as she observed as Alexx became more distant to her and the others.

"You want me to go talk to her?", Calleigh said her southern accent lilting.

" Let's process this scene first , then we can talk to her. As a team," Horatio said before the cell phone rang. He walked off leaving his two CSIs to do their work. As he talked with the detective on the other end, he still thought of Alexx. He didn't want to lose another member of his team.

Leaving the scene, Alexx's eyes overflowed. She couldn't stand it anymore, the memories, the feelings, the despair. She felt as if her sanity was slipping from her. She couldn't go back to the lab, he would be there haunting her conscience. She turned the car around and dialed the morgue. She needed to find peace ,to be with her feelings and to deal with them. There was only one place that she knew of that could provide her with that sanctuary.

Walking from the car, Alexx turned off her cell phone and slipped it into her purse. There would be no interruptions. Before bringing the car to a stop, Alexx had stopped at a florist and bought a single red rose which she now held in her hand. The light breeze kissed her face and fingered through her long hair. A sense of peace washed over her as she looked for the fountain. Finding it, she then walked to the right until she saw the bench. Looking down, she took off her sunglasses, revealing the pain in her eyes. She knelt down and ran her fingers over the marble stone, tracing the etching of the letters, Timothy J. Speedle 1972-2004. The tears flowed heavily as she placed the rose on top of the stone. She sat on her knees for a moment, letting her grief wash over her. She then got up and sat on the bench that she had erected in his memory, and began to speak. Her words, even though she spoke softly, sounded ominous in her ears.

" I thought about you a lot today, Timmy. I've been thinking about you a lot these days. I can't concentrate, get my work done , or function like a human being. I've alienated the team. It's horrible! You were the glue holding us together! I'm angry at you , Tim. I'm pissed that you left us. That you left me," Alexx said weeping again. The grief that she held hostage was taking over, making it hard for her to control her feelings. She didn't want to let it all go, she wanted to hold on to him. She couldn't let him go.

Then all of a sudden a strong breeze blew through the cemetery and whipped around Alexx. Even as her heart was in turmoil, she felt an easy presence. Rest was finally coming to her chaotic mind. She heard as a soft voice spoke to her, telling her to let it go. Remember, but let it go. She closed her eyes, letting the soothing breeze melt the pain and stress off of her shoulders. She swore to him that she would let it go.

Getting up from the bench, Alexx knelt down and touched her hand to her lips then to the stone.

"Thanks, Tim. I'll talk to you next week."

She walked back to her car , feeling the despair wafting behind her. Her heart had stopped breaking , but she knew that it would be a long time before she could truly let go of him and heal completely. She would make it inch by inch, breath by breath, day by day. With him always in her heart, she would make it.